I cannot tell if I am overreacting by wanting a divorce or not...

[SalFresco]

...and would appreciate advice.

Basically, DH and I have two DS's. We have been togther since we were teenagers, today is our tenth wedding anniversary. I have been away overnight for work (a very rare occurance) rushed back today so that we could see the DS's and go out for our anniversary. DS's were at nursery / afterschool care, DH was at home, he'd taken the day off and said he was going to tidy up / cook tea / etc. I get home half an hour before we were due to pick DS's up to find DH paraletically drunk. This is something that happens every few months. The last time was 2 weeks ago, when he was drinking while looking after our 1.5 year old. He has now passed out in the bedroom, and I am sitting here looking up how to get a divorce.

When he is not drinking or being an arse, we get on well, and he is good with the DS's.

Am I overreacting?

Thank you everyone. I took a break from reading the thread because I was getting upset - mainly because this is really the first time I have "spoken" to anyone about the problem, or acknowleged it was there. I'm sure it wouldn't be a shock to people around us - but somehow between us, we have never acknowledged the problems we've had. It's not been something we have consciously decided to do - I mean we've never had a conversation and said, let's keep it quiet - but it seems to have been an unspoken agreement. Maybe this is part of the reason I have never followed through on any of the ultimatums I have issued - because it would have then meant explaining why we had seperated, and acknowledging there had been problems all along. Also perhaps why I have not forced the issue of seeking help, and have instead accepted the good periods in between as normal, and hoped that these incidents would not repeat themselves. WHich, of course, they always do.

I do find it hard not to feel responsible for some of it, and especially what would happen if we did split. I would like to think that it would galvanize DH into making the changes and seeking the help he needs. This is why I started the thread saying I am considering divorce - because I feel it has got to the stage where only extreme action can make any difference - both in terms of frequency and seriousness. I don't want to believe that my DC's are at risk when with their own father, but I know that if he decides to drink, then they are. THe incident two weeks ago has really changed things - I had always beleived that he would put them first, and never do anything to compromise their safety, in the same way that he seems to be able to control himself when I am around - but now I know this isn't the case.

I appreciate the suggestion of counselling, but it seems like all our problems are related to alcohol, and until that is sorted, working on any other issues would be pointless - I don't feel it is "worth it" when an incident like this would just undermine it all.

I am going to have a look at the Al-Anon site, and also look at other support in our area. I really do feel that DH is going to hae to move out, because I realise now he will never accept how serious the situation is while we carry on as we are.

Thank you very much for everyone's comments and advice, I really can't tell you how much it is appreciated.

good morning, sal

what a rollercoaster last night must have been for you !

I think you are truly doing the right thing.

Start telling your friends and family today and make sure you ring Al Anon today

When will you tell him what is going to happen ? Please do not feel bad about what he might do when he has to leave.

I imagine he will have a few benders. You will need to harden your heart to that and accept that when he does that he is choosing alcohol over his family

Employ the broken record technique with him, and with yourself. choosing alcohol over his family He won't be able to help doing that at first (since you have enabled him to do that for so long) but now it stops

If he seeks help, and takes it seriously, he has a chance to choose his family. as things stand, that will never happen.

Or a catastrophic event will force him to accept his problems. I don't need to tell you what form a catastrophic event may take...I am sure those kinds of scenarios are running through your head all the time

good luck x and keep posting

SalFresco - Go along to an Al-Anon meeting, it helps to have support.

Your DH is the only one who can make the decision to stop drinking and follow it through. And, while he drinks, yes, you will have to organise your whole life (eg childcare) around him - ie he is not responsible enough to be left looking after little children. Your life will be dominated by alcohol; such is the effect of living with someone with an alcohol problem. You have to think, ALL the time, about making sure you are the responsible parent available for childcare all the time. You have to always get back home to look after the dc because you KNOW it is not safe to not be there. You have to organise your plans and your life accordingly; that is the reality. It is hard work - you have a partner, but parenting wise, you have to be take all the responsibility, and deal with the impact it has on your home; the drinker carries on suffering no consequences unless something happens to change the situation.

Good luck.

By not being secretive about it you are making a huge step forward; although, people may suspect what you say anyway, depending on what they have seen.

HE needs to find some help around his drink problem.

You need to get tough tonprotect your children.

Good Morning.
By doing everything you suggest, telling family and friends, asking him to leave, and demanding he sorts himself out if he wants to continue in the marriage, you are doing everything you can so that he can actually face up to the fact that he HAS a serious problem, rather than brushing it under the carpet. You are doing this as much for HIM as for yourself and your family.

My fil was an alcoholic. He died from a knackered liver when he was 55. Mil spent her life searching for his secret stash and trying to smell his breath. He had bottles hidden around the block of flats, so even a walk with the dog would include a stop for a glass of something somewhere. It is not a nice life when alcohol takes over and people go in to debt to pay for drinking habits.

Does he acknowledge he has a problem with alcohol ? It is obviously it is not acceptable for him to be drinking during the day when he has a duty to collect the dc - what if you hadn't come back in time ? He can't stop at one, whatever he will claim, so needs to resolve to have none. Similarly you need to stop covering for him so he has to face reality. Have you contacted AA or Al Anon ?

OP, you will save yourself years of misery if you do what you can do to make you and your dc's life better now - he will have to help himself. You help yourself and dc.

Good luck today - keep strong - sorry you were up in the middle of the night thinking about it.

P.S - You are being quite brave: it's so easy to carry on, hanging it all on the good periods, thinking the best, giving hi the benefit of the doubt. Thousands of people do that, and in the end it doesn't help the person with the alcohol problem, it doesn't help the kids and it certainly doesn't help the person who sugjugates themselves to that process.
Good for you.

tsc..perhaps you should be raising it as an issue now before you both get too far down the road ?

just a suggestion..as it seems you might be making the exact same mistakes as Sal here

I see.

People who drink too much are boring, they don't seem to realise that, do they ?

My DH didn't use to have an off button. Still doesn't sometimes and looks like a prat, but knows it so doesn't happen often. He is improving as he gets older though. There were some very hard conversations when we were younger.

It was pre-children though.

I think people who are out of control with their drinking once children come along are on a slippery slope, tbh

good luck x

however, you must make sure that you are whiter than white...or else no leg to stand on for you !