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Original poster

move in with boyfriend =lose teenage son

94 replies

saffy66 · 04/12/2010 11:11

I am a lone parent and my new man who is wonderful and everything I could wish for in a man asked me to marry him and move in with him. So what is the problem?My son (16)has told me that if I move in with my partner he will move back to his dad.He lived with his dad before only 4 month ago he moved in with me which I was very pleased about as I didnt get on with his dad at all. Now I am in the middle of this as my son doesn't want to know my new boyfriend let alone living in his house. My new man lives very close to me so we wouldn't have to change schools or anything. My son is in 6th form.
Now I don't know what to do - if i choose to be with the love of my life I lose my son - it is heartbreaking .Should I wait until he finished 6th form and moves on to uni? Would my boyfriend wait 2 years before I can move in with him just because my son wants me to himself ?

OP posts:
sarah293 · 04/12/2010 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CrazyPregnant · 04/12/2010 11:22

How long have you been with new man? Ans what made your son decide to move back in with you 4 months ago?

FakePlasticTrees · 04/12/2010 11:25

how long did your DS live with his dad before moving in with you?

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

Does your boyfriend have DCs?

If you explain to your boyfriend that you can't move in until your DS is at uni, would he dump you for that - and if so, do you think he's thinking long term and is he the man for you?

What would happen to your current home?

rainbowinthesky · 04/12/2010 11:25

Why is your son objecting?

Reality · 04/12/2010 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

booyhohoho · 04/12/2010 11:28

i agree with riven. at 16 your son should have a level of maturity that means he understands and accepts you are entitled to a relationship that isn't with his dad. he sounds like he is manipulating you and doing a good job of it. how does he get on with your partner when he is at your house? i think you need to sit down with him and your partner and have an adult conversation. treat your son like a mature adult, tell him that you are going to move in with your partner and would very much like his support with it, you would love for him to join you in your new home and would be very dissappointed if he couldn't put aside his childish jealousy and be happy for you. then let him say his piece and ask any questions. i don't think this is something you can let your 16 year old decide. you wouldn't be losing him if he chose to live with his dad, you could still have a very full relationship with him.

GettinganIcyGrip · 04/12/2010 11:31

How long have you been with new man? why did your son live with his father previously? Why did he move to yours?

Reality · 04/12/2010 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MollieO · 04/12/2010 11:39

I think there is probably quite a back story to this that the OP hasn't chosen to divulge. For any proper advice it would be better to elaborate on why your ds wasn't living with you in the first place and why he chose to come and live with you 4 months ago.

Presumably your relationship with your dp is well established so your ds would have known that this is a likely plan? Also assume you would have discussed this with him when he said he wanted to live with you 4 months ago. What has changed since then?

booyhohoho · 04/12/2010 11:42

why does OP need to tell us why her ds wasn't living with her? if this was a male OP would anyone be asking why his ds wasn't living with him?

Dipso · 04/12/2010 11:45

You say "new" man OP, how new is that? And if your son only moved in 4 months ago this is a lot for him to take on board. But agree with others - you need to tell us more about your situation. And I don't believe in the concept of a person being the love of one's life. Sorry, am a bit of an old cynic at times Hmm

LadyLapsang · 04/12/2010 11:46

I think you should put your son's needs first for the moment. It's not like you can't continue seeing your new boyfriend while living at home with your son. Only going on what you've said so far, your son has seen his parents divorce, he has lived first with you, then his dad and then back with you again.That's a lot of change for a child / young person.

If this new guy is so wonderful he won't want to make you chose between your child and him, he'll be patient and wait.

rainbowinthesky · 04/12/2010 11:49

I agree with Dipso - no such thing as love of your life. WHere is the op anyway??

booyhohoho · 04/12/2010 11:52

lady? where does OP say she got divorced and that her son saw it or that he lived with her first and then his dad? unless she has posted her history previously of course?

MollieO · 04/12/2010 11:56

Of course the OP doesn't need to say anything. It just seems, at least to me, that something happened four months ago to cause the ds to go and live with her. I assume he must have felt a need to move home and therefore feels very unsettled. To make such a major move (assuming he has always lived with his father from birth) is hard enough and then to have his mother say actually I'm going to move too so don't get too settled here. Must be very hard.

I'm a bit Hmm at posters assuming that the ds is in the wrong because 'teenagers are selfish'. Yes some are, however loads are not and can be incredibly sensitive.

dreamylady · 04/12/2010 11:58

I'm with reality and Fake Plastic on this one - whatever the reasons, 16 is still quite young and he has had some disruption previously. there are obviously some issues between him and his dad too.

Its a risky age for him to feel pushed out (which he will, rightly or wrongly - and the judgement of that can't really be done without understanding the dynamics of his relationship with you and your BF)

Your BF has a chance to show you how caring, understanding, and unselfish he is! Lucky him Wink

dejavuaswell · 04/12/2010 11:59

The one I have sympathy for is the 16 year old - sorry no time for the OP at all!

Dipso · 04/12/2010 12:04

I went out with a man who had an 17 year old son who lived with him. We were planning to get married but he made it quite clear that he had to get his son on his feet first and that marriage wouldn't be an option until the lad had moved out. It didn't work out between us (for other reasons) but I respected him so much for this. Wonder where OP's gone....

huffythethreadslayer · 04/12/2010 12:04

If the op moves her new man in, she'll lose her son on so many different levels. I have a friend who moved in a new man when her boy was in his early teens and though he stayed at home, he has increasingly become distanced from his familial home. Now he's 16 and he spends no holidays with his half brother and his mum. He either stays with his dad or, more recently, his girlfriend.

He's a lovely boy. He loves his mum very much. He doesn't get on with his step dad. And lets face it, he doesn't have to!

He has told his mum he loves her and doesn't particularly want to move away, but feels he has little choice. He understands, however, that his mum needs a life of her own and that his adult life is about to begin, so he would never give her an ultimatum. Having said that he needs to be happy too.

What I'm trying to say, in a long winded way, is that you'll lose your son if you move your new partner in. If you're happy with that, go for it, but don't expect your son to play happy families for you. He doesn't have to if he doesn't want to.

Tortington · 04/12/2010 12:06

son comes first - but the way i read the OP inda felt liket he son was holding her to randsom - which i wouldn't put up with either

sfxmum · 04/12/2010 12:11

I think the children have to come first
and I don't think that talk of 'love of my life' is a good sign

but you are entitled to have your own life, although we all have constraints on that, I am sure that with care and good will you can all find a way forward

honestly entering into a conflict with a boy and making a stark choice seems at the very least to be very unwise

droves · 04/12/2010 12:21

Op s son is 16 . And has just moved in with her .
Id be making the BF wait a bit , until the 16 yr old is more settled . Or turns 18 , whatever comes first.

Some 16 yr olds are very immature ...and just need to be "parented" a wee bit longer .
This teenager has obviously wanted his mum enough to move in with her ...he needs her to himself a wee bit longer.

If she gives him this , then when hes grew up a bit ready , he`ll be fine with mum having a life with BF.

truffleshuffle · 04/12/2010 12:28

You have to put your son first.
If your boyfriend is a decent person he will understand this.
If he lives near to you there is no reason to move in together.
You could wait a couple of years to get married.

MollieO · 04/12/2010 12:36

I would add that if the OP's dp is not prepared to wait until her ds is 18 then it isn't much of a relationship to begin with.

spidookly · 04/12/2010 12:43

Yes, son's need most important.

Need no. 1 - to learn that he can't play his parents off against each other by threatening to live with the other one.

Explain to him that you and his Dad are both happy to have him and that at 16 it's his choice whom to live with.

But noone will be begging him for favours.

What is your feeling about his reaction to your marriage? Where's it coming from?