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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

move in with boyfriend =lose teenage son

94 replies

saffy66 · 04/12/2010 11:11

I am a lone parent and my new man who is wonderful and everything I could wish for in a man asked me to marry him and move in with him. So what is the problem?My son (16)has told me that if I move in with my partner he will move back to his dad.He lived with his dad before only 4 month ago he moved in with me which I was very pleased about as I didnt get on with his dad at all. Now I am in the middle of this as my son doesn't want to know my new boyfriend let alone living in his house. My new man lives very close to me so we wouldn't have to change schools or anything. My son is in 6th form.
Now I don't know what to do - if i choose to be with the love of my life I lose my son - it is heartbreaking .Should I wait until he finished 6th form and moves on to uni? Would my boyfriend wait 2 years before I can move in with him just because my son wants me to himself ?

OP posts:

Jux · 04/12/2010 18:56

Actually, having read more of this now, I am appalled that, having abandoned (and yes, I'm afraid it was that) your son to the exigencies of a sexual and emotional abuser because he "doesn't like change", that you have even had to ask the question in your op.

That boy has had the most appalling role model for 16 years, 6 of which you weren't there to ameliorate it at all.

You left him there. What happened to him there? Did you defend him against his dad? Did you cuddle him and reassure him?

And now you're wondering whether you can bear to wait for your 'soul mate'?

It's about time you stepped up to the mark.

crystalglasses · 04/12/2010 19:13

Actually Jux, I know where you're coming from and my posts have been along your lines but but even I think that's a bit strong.

solo · 04/12/2010 19:15

But we don't know the whole story Jux, we weren't there and Op hasn't elaborated very much, so we can't really assume anything IMO.

My Sil left her Dc's with their father and whilst I couldn't for a second dream of doing the same, she had her reasons and even now after 10 years of knowing her, I'm certain she hasn't told me everything that went on. Life is hard sometimes.

solo · 04/12/2010 19:16

(But I do know her exh was not abusive).

GettinganIcyGrip · 04/12/2010 19:19

Yes I wondered about the father and if he had a new partner, and if so, how that had worked out.

With teenage boys you have to be really pro-active in showing how much you love them, despite their non-communication! It does go in eventually, and they do have very strong feelings, they just can't show them.

Original poster

saffy66 · 04/12/2010 20:07

I can see a lot of misunderstanding going on here. I have tried my son to move with me I didn't just leave him,that is very unfair to say,I moved closer to his school and spent a lot of time taking him to counselling while he was living at his dads and also requested a CAFCASS report . He was settled at his dads and didn't want to move. His dad was abusive whith me not with him. Although yes I do see signs of his behaviour resembles to his dad's and yes perhaps counselling will be an option again. There is no way I want to choose my new boyfriend without my son accepting the new situation.They both know that.
His dad has remarried 2 years ago.Now they are much better off financially than me as I am a single parent living on my salary only and paying a mortgage. I don't know anything about how his marriage with his 3rd wife is working out. My son doesn't care about the new wife he told me.Like I said his dad was very interested to keep our son with me and this is what happened. It doesn't make me a bad mother and I had regular contact with him at the weekends and every single holidays I had him with me.
I agree with having to wait with my move but some people are very accusative and rude regarding judging me as a mother.

OP posts:

SpiritualKnot · 04/12/2010 20:39

I know what you mean Saffy.

My ex was abusive to me but my kids never really clocked it and he's always been a very loving father to them..it was just me he disliked! I have an 18 year old and an ll year old.

I'm just going through divorce and am a long way off another relationship but am following this with interest.

CapriceNelson · 04/12/2010 20:59

I have been in this position and I would say make the boyfriend wait. I thought my son was mature enough to cope but he wasn't. He is 22 now and we have been building bridges since.

GettinganIcyGrip · 04/12/2010 21:32

If your son is not bothered about his father's wife, and he is beginning to see the real person that his father is, you have a perfect opportunity to get really close to your son in these last two years of his school life.

With lots of your love and care he will blossom into a young man to be proud of. 16 is very, very young for a boy. They change and grow so much in these years up to 18. He has been through a lot if he has a new step-mother also. I think he will need some time of stability where he is put first.

He has said that he likes your partner, so that is a good start. Please just give your son these two years. You don't need to stop seeing your boyfriend, of course not, is there something that they are both keen on? Football or rugby perhaps? Does your new partner have children?

You will never regret putting him first for these years. It will give him a chance to get his head straight and perhaps do well in his exams if he is staying at school.

Original poster

saffy66 · 04/12/2010 22:01

Thank you GettinganIcyGrip -I feel better about the situation now. He is actually 17 in January and he is in first year in 6th form.

OP posts:

noddyholder · 04/12/2010 22:03

You need to put your son first for now.If the new man is the one he can wait until your son feels secure enough in his new home with you before you bring someone else in.he probably wants to test you and make sure he is number one which he should be atm

UnlikelyCrackerzonian · 04/12/2010 22:47

Apologies, but may I just hijack and give IcyGrip a small squeeeeeeze.

Thanks

Monty27 · 04/12/2010 23:05

Saffy - does dp and ds have a workable relationship at all?

MerrilyDefective · 04/12/2010 23:11

I'd always put Dcs first.
Even if they were grown up,and 16 is not grown up.
If the OPs DP doesn't want to wait then he's not worth it.

LindaLaHughes · 04/12/2010 23:49

Why oh why oh why do some women even contemplate putting a man ahead of their children? Sixteen is still young, he needs you more than he will ever tell you.

2rebecca · 05/12/2010 00:12

Now I'm older I probably wouldn't move in with someone for the sake of it. If you can afford to live apart then I'd do so. I probably wouldn't live with someone unless I planned to marry them. Teenage son then objecting to you living apart from your husband looks a bit silly.
Moving in with someone is a big committment, akin to marryiong them.
If you wouldn't marry this bloke why are you moving in with him?
4 months with you isn't long. Few men make good step parents, then generally less flexible and less good at the step parenting thing than women so your son is right to have reservations and being a step parent could kill your relationship if your son isn't happy.
Unless you need to live with this bloke I'd be patient and give it more time. At 16 he shouldn't need "babysitting" so you should be free to spend evenings and nights with this bloke if you choose, without having to live together.

QuintessentialShadows · 05/12/2010 00:20

You left your 10 year old son with an abusive, controlling and manipulative man, just because he did not want change.

We dont know what life your son has had over the last few years. It may have taken him a while to make his decision. You dont know why he is so withdrawn.

Maybe he figures that he cannot bear to live with another man, one who does not at least "purport" to love him? Like his dad?

Maybe he is scared?

Op, I dont understand how you could move from an abusive man and leave your child behind. I dont understand how you can even contemplate putting another man before your child.

I dont believe any parent can be that selfish.

dittany · 05/12/2010 00:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nancy66 · 05/12/2010 12:05

Your son comes first. He sounds very lost and confused and he needs you.

to be blunt (and I'm only going on what you've said) it sounds like he's been badly let down by the adults in his life.

If you've just met this man then he isn't the 'love of your life.'

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