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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

move in with boyfriend =lose teenage son

94 replies

saffy66 · 04/12/2010 11:11

I am a lone parent and my new man who is wonderful and everything I could wish for in a man asked me to marry him and move in with him. So what is the problem?My son (16)has told me that if I move in with my partner he will move back to his dad.He lived with his dad before only 4 month ago he moved in with me which I was very pleased about as I didnt get on with his dad at all. Now I am in the middle of this as my son doesn't want to know my new boyfriend let alone living in his house. My new man lives very close to me so we wouldn't have to change schools or anything. My son is in 6th form.
Now I don't know what to do - if i choose to be with the love of my life I lose my son - it is heartbreaking .Should I wait until he finished 6th form and moves on to uni? Would my boyfriend wait 2 years before I can move in with him just because my son wants me to himself ?

OP posts:

Jux · 04/12/2010 13:17

Your son has had hardly any time to really settle in to his new home, regime and so on. And here you are, trying to force yet another change on him.

Your wonderful new man will wait as long as it takes, unless he's not really that wonderful. In fact, if he were that wonderful, he would have shown some understanding of your son's position when proposing to you "I know ds has only just moved back in with you, and there'll be a lot of settlign down for both of you yet to come, but once things have sorted themselves out, would you ...... etc".

How wonderful is he? He sounds slightly selfish to me as he really shouldn't be putting you in this position at all. Moreover, are you sure he's not asking you because he feels his own position is being usurped by your son and he's playing alpha-male?

You'll certainly reject my suppositions, fair enough, but I think they're valid questions which you will need to address.

DuelingFanjo · 04/12/2010 13:27

Depending on how long you have been with the new man I would wait a while. Presumably he's not going to leave you if you decide to delay moving in and as you live so close to eachother anyway then there should be no problem continuing to see eachother just as much as you do now.

Original poster

saffy66 · 04/12/2010 14:17

thanks for the replies
I separated from xhusband about 6 years ago because emotional and sexual abuse and moved out than my son changed his mind the last minute and decided to stay with his dad saying that he doesn't like changes which is true he likes routine and stability as most children do. I started having him at weekends and holidays so we had regular contact and i was very involved in his schoollife too i have a full time job and his dad is retired so in a way it was easier for me even tough i missed him and was very pleased when suddenly he decided 4 month ago to move in with me.I have no illusions i live walking distance from his school and all his friends in my area whereas before it took him an hour to get to school on different buses. His dad is a manipulative bad tempered control-freak but there was nothing i could do to get my son come with me i tried everything but now I suppose my son realized this too as he is growing up. I am careful not to say negative things about his dad though in front of him.
About my new boyfriend -yes he would wait and wouldn't leave me just because i don't move in with him just yet however it is awkard as my son is very withdrawn and normally he would not talk to me much or show me too much or any respect when I ask him to do something in fact he became unfriendly towards me so it is not easy no matter how much i love him too. I have a feeling he only moved back as it is closer to his school and I am not as controlling as his dad. I agree with the most of you who was saying that i should maybe wait but how long? 2 years ?I just feel so sad that finally I meet somebody i want to spend the rest of my life with but can not because it is not right for my son.I don't let my boyfriend sleep over at my place simply because my son told me he doesn't want him sleep here. I respect his wishes .I don't think i am selfishly pushing my son to away at all.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 04/12/2010 14:23

I don't understand why he doesn't want you to be happy. Your happiness would benefit you and your son (and dp). Does he have any sort of relationship with your dp?

Have you had a close talk with him about this?

LadyLapsang · 04/12/2010 14:26

I am surprised that you left your son with someone who is sexually and emotionally abusive (in your own words a manipulative bad tempered control-freak ). If I was leaving someone because of abuse I would be taking my children with me.

Maybe your son hasn't moved back in with you because you live near school, maybe he wants some more 'mum time'.

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 14:29

Why doesn't your son like your man?

Original poster

saffy66 · 04/12/2010 14:31

It is very difficult to talk to him. He is very withdrawn. He hasn't spoken to his dad or met him maybe more than twice since he moved with me. Sometimes I worry about him having this condition where you can not show your feelings at all. I hoped I could change him but it is bloody hard .It was the same when he was living there. I had to phone him all the time or we would never talk. I suppose most teenagers are like this a little.

OP posts:

Ephiny · 04/12/2010 14:32

It's a difficult age - if your son was younger I'd say definitely put his wishes first as he's still a child. If he was 18+ I'd say he's an adult and has to accept you have a life of your own. 16 is young though, lots of boys can be quite emotionally immature at that age, and can be quite a vulnerable time.

If you see this as a long-term relationship, possibly becoming a second marriage, then 2 years should be nothing. Lots of couples live apart for that length of time in the early stages of their relationship, many even in separate cities/countries because of working or studying there.

So on balance I'd probably say wait a while, it may not even be two years in the end, your son might come around to the idea.

Original poster

saffy66 · 04/12/2010 14:36

He likes my partner he told me yesterday, he just doesn't like changes

OP posts:

homeboys · 04/12/2010 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 14:52

Wait.

FakePlasticTrees · 04/12/2010 14:56

Well, if your DS doesn't like change, then you why aren't you doing little changes over long time, rather than one huge life change in one go? Start having your DP stay over night - tell your DS it's your home and you are an adult so will have your DP to stay if you want.

Give it at least a year with your DP before you think about moving in together - hopefully by then your DS will have got used to him, and might be mentally preparing to leave for uni anyway, and be less resistant to change.

But then I dont really see waiting 2 years to be with someone if they are 'the one' is that long...

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 14:57

Your man can wait. It's not as if you have to make a decision involving moving away or anything - you live locally to each other, so there is no problem.

Just because he is 16, it doesn't mean he is full mature, and he has had a rough time.

believeyourtruth · 04/12/2010 15:00

And your son, at 10, when you left your abusive husband, was old enough to be very aware of what was going on in the household. Or maybe he is wary of living with another man after his childhood history.

LoveMyGirls · 04/12/2010 15:08

I agree with fake plastic.

I wouldn't have my children telling me who I can and can't have to stay in my own home unless they had very good reasons for not wanting them there.

emmyloulou · 04/12/2010 15:09

Quite manipulative for a 16 year old isn't he? I'd be worried he was going the same way as his Dad tbh.

At 16 he should have a level of maturity about him to understand you maybe ready to move on.

If you wait 2 yrs, he'll probably have flown the nest anyway and then where will you be? On your own if he has his away.

He won't change much from 16-18 IMO, his foundations are there. So as well as this emotional manipulation, using you as a hotel and playing his parents off, he shows you no respect, wihtdraws himself and is unfriendly to you?

Kind of history repeating itself and he really has taken his dad's place hasn't he as "alpha male" using his Dad as the example.

I think you should go for it.

pinkstarlight · 04/12/2010 15:19

your son says he likes your new man but doesnt like changes,sounds like hes been very honest with you.i would put off your man moving in for a year giving your son time to get to know him better.

booyhohoho · 04/12/2010 15:21

emmylou, i agree.

crystalglasses · 04/12/2010 15:24

Sorry Op but I think you have to put your son first. 16 year olds are still vulnerable and need to feel loved and wanted by their parents. I think you may cause untold psychological damage to him if you choose to abandon him in favour of your new bf.

Anyway why can't your son live with you and your bf?

booyhohoho · 04/12/2010 15:30

the son doesn't want to crystal.

hairyfairylights · 04/12/2010 15:33

There is no contest here. Do not do this. Your sin needs you.

emmyloulou · 04/12/2010 15:38

Got to be honest, I don't see this as a case of her son needing anyone, he is just emtionaly manipulating her and wanting to control her.

Now his Dad isn't doing it, he has taken over. 16 coming up 17 he knows what he is doing.

GettinganIcyGrip · 04/12/2010 15:40

How long have you been with your new man? Your son most certainly can change between 16-18!

He sounds confused and upset to me. If he has been living with a manipulative and unpleasant father since he was 10, and has now come to live with you it sounds as though he is trying to make sense of what has happened to him. And he is coming round to your way of thinking.

He sounds to me as though he needs some love and attention from his mother for a while. He doesn't sound manipulative to me, he sounds lost. It is a huge thing for a boy to accept that their father is not all they thought.

Surely another two years is nothing if you are intending to be with the love of your life forever?

ChippingIn · 04/12/2010 15:43

I think he is turning out like his Dad and I wouldn't be putting up with being told who could or couldn't sleep in my house.

He doesn't dislike the boyfriend, so it's not that there is a personality clash - he just wants control and quite frankly he wouldn't be getting it.

I would simply tell him that I love him, but will not be dictated to. From now on NP will be staying when he wants to, so DS will have to get used to it and from x date you will be living together and that you would like him to live there too - but if he doesn't want to, that is his decision.

If you feel he has 'issues' you need to get him into some kind of counselling - not second guess them and live your life around a guess.

rainbowinthesky · 04/12/2010 15:44

To be blunt sounds like he is damaged from spending the last few years with an abusive man. WHy the fuck didnt you take him with you??

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