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Original poster

move in with boyfriend =lose teenage son

94 replies

saffy66 · 04/12/2010 11:11

I am a lone parent and my new man who is wonderful and everything I could wish for in a man asked me to marry him and move in with him. So what is the problem?My son (16)has told me that if I move in with my partner he will move back to his dad.He lived with his dad before only 4 month ago he moved in with me which I was very pleased about as I didnt get on with his dad at all. Now I am in the middle of this as my son doesn't want to know my new boyfriend let alone living in his house. My new man lives very close to me so we wouldn't have to change schools or anything. My son is in 6th form.
Now I don't know what to do - if i choose to be with the love of my life I lose my son - it is heartbreaking .Should I wait until he finished 6th form and moves on to uni? Would my boyfriend wait 2 years before I can move in with him just because my son wants me to himself ?

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 04/12/2010 15:45

A 10 year old shouldnt have been allowed to make a decision to stay with an abusive adult.

crystalglasses · 04/12/2010 15:46

In my experience, most teenagers are sullen and incommunicative. They can't help it, and I know how exasperating and downright embarrassing their lack of social skills can be. Plus he may find it difficult to accept that you have/want a sex life. If your bf is going to be a permanent feature in your life, maybe you should be trying to get them to build a relationship with each other, even if it is just a toleration of each other's presence.
The reason I am 'siding' with your ds is that my work as involved therapeutic interventions with teenagers to help them overcome huge insecurities and psychological damage because the mother has chosen the bf over the child

GettinganIcyGrip · 04/12/2010 15:48

Absolutely what crystal said. And rainbow.

GettinganIcyGrip · 04/12/2010 15:49

Have you said yet how long you have been with your boyfriend?

HerBeatitude · 04/12/2010 15:50

I think you need to get your DS into counselling tbh.

It is not normal for a 16 yar old to be so controlling, but at the same time, I'm not sure the best way to manage this long term, is simply to say "No, you're not controlling me". I'd say that without hesitation to an adult male, but not to my very obviously damaged son.

He needs to get help ASAP to learn some boundaries, otherwise chances are he will be an abuser like his dad.

Your problem here isn't getting your DP to wait - it's getting your DS to become a decent adult man. I don't think you'll be able to that at this late stage, wihout some professional help.

rainbowinthesky · 04/12/2010 15:53

Herbeatitude speaks sense. I hope you take note and get outside help for him.

Monty27 · 04/12/2010 15:56

I was thinking the same as other posters, your son is exhibiting a controlling nature which is probably due to the example his df has set. He doesn't like situations out of his control, he is saying he doesn't like change. He may need help.

crystalglasses · 04/12/2010 16:06

I can hardly believe what I'm reading! some of you are calling a 16 year old a potential abuser, manipulator and in need of counselling, just because he doesn't want the op to move her bf into her home. Give him a break! He has had a disruptive childhood, already been abandoned by the op once, and by all accounts lived unhappily with his other parent. It sounds as if his needs have never been put first. He needs stability, security and to know that he is loved. Sooner or later he will probably accept the bf as the op's partner. Give it time.

jacksgrannie · 04/12/2010 16:08

Your son comes first. He has had a horrible time and needs some stability. It is only a couple of years before he is an adult and you could spend that time getting to know him better.

Why does everything now have to be instant gratification?
You can still see your new man and your son can get to know him better. If your new man really is the love of your life (bit cynical here - how many times do we see that phrase and know the whole thing is doomed) then of course he will be fine about taking his time.

Crystalglasses speaks sense.

solo · 04/12/2010 16:11

I thin k abandoned is a bit strong a description crystal. He was given the choice of which parent to live with.

Monty27 · 04/12/2010 16:12

How long has op been with new dp? I've read through but haven't found it.

Crystal I agree with you that ds needs love and support.

ItalianLady · 04/12/2010 16:18

Your son must come first.

purepurple · 04/12/2010 16:20

A 16 year old boy is at the most vulnerable stage in his life, imo.
He needs his mum, even more so, given his background. I would be inclined to take things very slowly with the new man. Your son just needs time to adjust.

rainbowinthesky · 04/12/2010 16:25

Needing counselling is not a insult to the child.
As you say yourself,
"He has had a disruptive childhood, already been abandoned by the op once, and by all accounts lived unhappily with his other parent. It sounds as if his needs have never been put first. He needs stability, security and to know that he is loved."
The op may not be best placed to manage all the damage done herself. WHat's wrong with suggesting he has outside help?

I dont go along with him being an abuser, manipulator myself. He sounds damaged though and a child in need of help.

rainbowinthesky · 04/12/2010 16:27

The op said her ex is emotional and sexual abuser and a manipulative bad tempered control freak. On what planet is it okay to leave a 10 year old with him because that's what the 10 year old wanted??

crystalglasses · 04/12/2010 16:28

Yes, I've reread the op's explanation and maybe 'abandoned' is too strong a word, however a 10 year old might have found the break up of the family very difficult to cope with. We don't really know what happened, what he witnessed then and since, and what choices were made and by whom. It is unusual for the dm to leave the family home rather than the df and she must have had very strong reasons for it.

HerBeatitude · 04/12/2010 16:31

Getting outside help may be the best way of ensuring that he doesn't become a controlling, manupulative abuser.

He's got a good chance of becomign so, if that's what he's been role-modelled. And certainly his current behaviour is not good. Handing him control without getting help, just doesn't seem to me to be a very pro-active way of dealing with this kid. The fact that you think he is damaged, is even more reason to seek help before he gets into more damaging relationship patterns, no?

crystalglasses · 04/12/2010 16:38

Rainbowinthesky I wasn't implying that counselling is an insult per se, what I meant was that some people seemed to implying that the ds needed counselling just because he doesn't want the bf to move in, thus placing the blame squarely on his shoulders. Some FAMILY counselling may be a good idea.

rainbowinthesky · 04/12/2010 16:40

I think we agree then Smile

Eurostar · 04/12/2010 17:32

Crystalglasses - good few answers on here demonstrating why you will never be out of a job!

Saffy - why are you being so all or nothing and dramatic about this? Keep getting to know your new man, let your DS get to know him slowly. If he is the love of your life then you will both be able to do the adult thing and help your son get used to the change slowly.

spidookly · 04/12/2010 17:34

But DON'T let your son dictate the terms of your relationship.

This is YOUR home as well as his and you are the parent. If you want to have your new boyfriend over to stay that is you decision. He does not get a say.

GettinganIcyGrip · 04/12/2010 17:57

And if he is a decent man he will be a good thing for your son, who will see a proper, loving adult relationship working as it should.

It will probably be good for you also, as it means you will not rush into anything.

There is a lot you can do from age 16 to 18 to help a mixed up son who needs plenty of love from his mother.

HerBeatitude · 04/12/2010 18:13

Yes I don't really see why it has to be all or nothing. Why not jsut be gradual about it? Start by having your DP over once a week, then up it and keep upping it according to what feels right.

There's a balance between ensuring that you don't impose an intrusive step-relationship on a child, and allowing that child to dictate your life. It's finding the balance that's the tricky thing...

catwalker · 04/12/2010 18:28

I have 3 teenage boys - being moody/withdrawn/showing no respect goes with the territory. You move in with 'the love of your life' (reaches for sick bucket) and lose your son. You stay put and keep your son and presumably, if the om is what you think he is, you maintain a relationship with him. And you find this a hard decision?

Your son has obviously not had a very good upbringing - broken home, abusive father, mother who left him. I am sure he feels insecure and issuing these ultimatums is no doubt him trying to test you to see how much you love him. I bet, if you say, OK, I won't move in, he may come round to the om eventually. He may even feel guilty that he has stopped you doing something you wanted to do and relent a little. He may stop seeing the om as a threat if you can convince your son that HE (your son) is the most important person in your life. But then again, you may find that difficult because it sounds like he isn't.

As someone who would put her sons before any other living person on this planet, and who wouldn't have to think for more than a nano-second about this I find your stance incredibly difficult to understand.

solo · 04/12/2010 18:31

Another angle on this is did his Df have a new woman in his life? did she move in? was she a good influence etc or the wicked step mother?

Also, Op was going to move into the new mans place, not he move in with her, so that would have been a big change for her son. His house, his rules maybe.

Everything happens for a reason they say, so just maybe, Op shouldn't actually be moving in with him for a reason and maybe having the time not living together will reveal this good reason? Hmm maybe?