'd'h has just thrown a hard object with force at my head

[tiredandgrumpy]

Sorry this is long and overly detailed.

It's ds' birthday. We were waiting for h to get home early for ds' birthday cake. He got home 45 mins later than planned, because he'd had a difficult journey home (though I think he left work too late). Waiting then for h to come and sing happy birthday etc. Niggles ensued, he got so cross with me that he threw a pocket magnifying glass at my head (heavy, solid metal frame), hard, from a close distance. Kids were watching and of course very upset. I calmed them down, we had cake etc, I put the kids to bed. They seem ok. I'm still shaking now.

2 hours on and he still hasn't apologised to me, blaming me for making him so cross. This isn't the first time he's hurt me, but it has been a very long while. He clearly came home in a bad mood and I obviously did wind him up, but still, acting like that in front of the kids? No apology? I don't know what to do.

Well he's thrown something at you, hurt you and doesn't think he's done anything wrong - if that helps you to see more clearly.
Are you OK? Do you have a lump? Did you lose consciousness at all?

It's not long or overly detailed. In your position, I could have written considerably more.

Your h's behaviour is unacceptable and I would insist on an apology, that he accepts responsibility for his own behaviour and agrees to seek help for his anger.

I hazard a guess that the violence is not the only thing you are unhappy about, and urge you to seriously consider whether you should stay in this relationship, for your own safety and sanity as well as your children's.

NOTHING you could do to "wind him up" could be used as an excuse for throwing something heavy at your head. Nothing.

You said that he used to hurt you, how long ago was that? What did he do?

He was violent to you and will not apologise.

Poor you. POor DCs.

I would wait a while and let him calm down. Violence or angry outbursts like that are bad and should never be tolerated. Having said that, did you wind him up for being late? I know you had agreed times to be home etc, but he was 45mins late not 4.5 hours late?

he needs to fuck off. i am so angry for you.

two things

he's blamed you

and it's not the first time

it won't stop or get better. it will get worse in time. he did it in front of the children

he'd be getting his marching orders

it's quite chilling, you made him cross, so he felt it was ok to throw a hard object at your head in front of your children and it's not the first time he's hurt you

not to mentioned being late for the DSs birthday

hope you're head is ok

i would take pics of the injury and go to the police and get this abusive man away from you and your children

so id could have equally have hit one of the dc if he'd missed his aim/it had bounced off something onto a little persons head etc etc......

he's done it before. it will happen again

the dc have seen

weigh it up

hayhey . are you for real?? ' did you wind him up for being late? I know you had agreed times to be home etc, but he was 45mins late not 4.5 hours late?"

so , she gets the arse as he's late, maybe gets cross, so he's ok to throw an object at her head?? in front of the children?

a real man would have walked away and cooled down, rather than getting something out of his pocket and throwing it at his wife's head

"Having said that, did you wind him up for being late?"
heyhay, if she "wound him up" he'd be justified to be in a huff or irritated. Nothing she could have done justifies having something heavy thrown at her head.

Explain calmly that you reserve the right to throw any object at hand at his head, whenever you feel he has 'wound you up' by disagreeing with you or whatever. If he feels this isn't acceptable, ask him why not, as that is the rule he is justifying using for himself. If he says yes this is fine, then he has some seriously fucked up ideas about how people who love each other should treat each other.

Try the 'if it was your daughter' tactic as well, it may just get through.

I'll be honest, unless he is able to see his actions for what they are (the thin end of the abusive wedge) and if he is still jsutifying and excusing and blaming you for what he did, I'd start making an exit plan.

Please don't let him make you think its your fault. Saying that you wound him up is typical escusing behaviour of someone experiencing domestic abuse.

See your GP tomorrow to get this put on your medical record. Tell the police.

Would you press charges? Do you want to be with him or kick him out?

Yes what everyone apart from 'heyhay' said.

In her h had walked in on time with flowers and op had screamed at him, he still would not have had a right to physically assault her, heyhay.

Op are you ok? Is there anyone who can come and be with you?

What lilac and Lulu said.

Hope you are OK, OP. Sending strength. You'll need it.

Um, heyhay, what are you on about?

Whether the OP was charming or pissy as he walked through the door has nothing to do with it. It's never acceptable to hit or hurt your partner in any way and the fact he is doing it in front of the kids is a major, major warning sign. Your tone implies the OP is somehow responsible or even 'deserved' to be hit. Which is total bollocks.

tiredandgrumpy If a stranger threw that magnifying glass at your head in the street, you'd have called the police. Do the same. Your children deserve better than to grow up in a household where they watch their mother being attacked in front of them. It's your son's birthday. Nothing you could ever buy him would be as good a present as being able to grow up feeling safe.

Thinking of you and your family tonight. Be strong.

45 minutes late is really not a big deal.

If you were in London you would most likely have to put up with this at least, as there is a tube strike today.

However, it is NEVER acceptable to deliberately injure your partner because you are cross with them or even because they have "wound you up".

So sorry you have been through this, op.

tiredandgrumpy, have you ever heard "Hit me once and you're history"? Perhaps you've even said it yourself. Then, you might have heard "Get hit once and you're a victim; get hit a second time and you're a fool". How long before you say "I don't mind if he hits me, as long as he doesn't hit the kids"? How long after that before you're saying "I keep telling him not to hurt the kids"?

Cataclysmic - because it is. Forget this rubbish about anger management, as well as whether you annoyed him (like that makes it okay). Your H assaulted you with intent to wound. That's a crime. Two hours later, he was still not of a mind to apologise. That's malicious. He did it front of children. That's child abuse.

I'm sorry. The sooner you get to grips, the better.

i never said that it was ok for him to hit her, i am pretty sure i said violence should never be tolerated.

i think its very easy for people to see where they have been wronged and ignore the part that probably led/contributed to a certain behaviour?

her husband has behaved badly and that is why i said to give him time to calm down and maybe he will apologise.

OMG. I can't believe some people are trying to justify his behaviour and debate the point of whether 45 mins is late enough to be pissed off about.

He threw a heavy glass object at her head

He hasn't apologised.

He has hurt her before.

Call the police, leave, ring women's aid and be assured that life with this man will only get worse if you stay with him.

I suspect also that this is the tip of the iceberg and that his behaviour in other areas of the realtionship is also bad.

NOTHING justifies /contributes to a physical assualt.

if the OP is a screaming shreaking harridan, then the H has to have the sense / calmness to leave the room/house /space she is in if HE cannot control himself

it was not a lashing out , he had to reach in his pocket and pull something out and throw it

IT IS NOT THE OP's FAULT.

do you thikn women in short skirts are contributing to a sexual assualt? Or having a flashy phone is inviting a mugging?

Don't you dare take any responsibility for this man losing his temper and lobbing things at your head. There is never any justification for a grown adult to behave in this way. What an arsehole. Get bloody angry.

I am so sorry, you sound as if you kept it all together on the sceen for the sake of your children.Also sounds like you are both unhappy. He sounds really wound up. On a practical level, generally, men are physically stronger than women and so you need to have this recorded confidentially and the way to do that is to confide in your GP/practice nurse. They will record it but take no action. If it ever comes to the point when you need to make a case, this will support it.

Giving him time to calm down and apoligise is all well and good but what will happen next time he feels annoyed by her? Will he feel that its OK to do it again because he's done it once and got away with it? These things do have a tendency to escalate.

I don't think the OP should have to leave her home but if she wishes then she should be able to make him leave. However tonight may not be the best time to make a move on this. A safer time when you can have family/friends there may be better. Unless the OP is prepared to call the police and have him arrested.

I may be wrong here, the feeling I have is for you to allow this to have a chance of happening again is something social services would intervene and as you are not protecting them, take them from this abusive situation, that you are in.

In taking the blame and shushing the children, putting them to bed etc, and taking it, you are teaching your children it is ok to hit and blame others for your stuff, or it is ok to be abused and take someone else's stuff.

I am guessing that you have been where your children were tonight youself as a child in some form or another, and that is why you are posting.

Let me guess, you are going to baricade yourself in the bedroom with the children tonight incase of another outburst? or you are going to take him to bed or something similar to stop this happening again tonight!

You need to get youself strong for you and for your children, women's aid are good at this, it does not happen overnight, you could speak to your gp and get the incident recorded, and if you are feeling up to it report it to the police and get this dealt with before he goes any further!