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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

'd'h has just thrown a hard object with force at my head

97 replies

tiredandgrumpy · 29/11/2010 20:19

Sorry this is long and overly detailed.

It's ds' birthday. We were waiting for h to get home early for ds' birthday cake. He got home 45 mins later than planned, because he'd had a difficult journey home (though I think he left work too late). Waiting then for h to come and sing happy birthday etc. Niggles ensued, he got so cross with me that he threw a pocket magnifying glass at my head (heavy, solid metal frame), hard, from a close distance. Kids were watching and of course very upset. I calmed them down, we had cake etc, I put the kids to bed. They seem ok. I'm still shaking now.

2 hours on and he still hasn't apologised to me, blaming me for making him so cross. This isn't the first time he's hurt me, but it has been a very long while. He clearly came home in a bad mood and I obviously did wind him up, but still, acting like that in front of the kids? No apology? I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/11/2010 11:23

OP, there is concern and care for you here (no matter what you decide to do/not decide to do)

Pleae let us know if you are ok x

NicknameTaken · 30/11/2010 14:41

OP, hope you're doing okay. I left my H when he started behaving like this and it was the best thing I ever did. Knowing that something like this can happen again at any moment (and it will happen again) - it's no way to live.

It took me a while to get ready to live, and it involved first seeing a counsellor and then talking to Women's Aid. It is hard, and I didn't feel ready to leave even as I was walking out the door. As another poster said, these shouldn't be the childhood memories that your dcs carry with them.

Original poster

tiredandgrumpy · 03/12/2010 21:09

Thank you everyone for your support. We had a good chat about it all and dh did apologise, both to me and to the kids.

I know this sounds odd, but he genuinely didn't realise what he'd thrown at me was so hard and heavy. He has hurt me before - nothing major, but probably well over a year ago. I trust that he's a loving, supportive husband and dad virtually all the time. If I ever suspected that he would physically harm the kids or that they'd be better off away from him, then I believe I'd have the guts to take them away.

I showed him all your comments on here. We have agreed that in future, if he gets worked up again, he will just walk away to calm down. I believe he will genuinely try.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 03/12/2010 21:11

see you back soon then.......he will do it again. shame you dont have the conviction to move on......bigger shame for your dc. he can talk the talk then,your dh....

Desiderata · 03/12/2010 21:14

My dh does this to me periodically, although it's a little worse than a magnifying glass to the head, generally.

I'd be interested to know just how many women go through this.

Of course, it's always easy to say, 'leave him.'

For many of us, the question is, where do we go?

Doha · 03/12/2010 21:18

You are buring your head in the sand

Of course he will do it again, amd again and again

your kids will witness this again and again and again.

He will make excuses again and agian and again.

you will be back-no doubt about that.

Shame for your DC's tho ! what is this teaching them

Sassybeast · 03/12/2010 21:18

Desiderata - you will come to a point when you realise that it's not normal, and it's not right and that no man or woman has the right to physically hurt someone they are supposed to 'love'. You WILL get to that point someday as will the OP and only then will you be able to move on and build a safer future.

OP - print this thread out and read it again if/when he does it again.

GypsyMoth · 03/12/2010 21:18

a hosterl
desiderata....a hostel.....which is what i did with 4dc in tow. best thing i ever did!

by staying,you are damasging your dc

Desiderata · 03/12/2010 21:21

Ah, I don't need a soft lecture on domestic abuse. Life is complicated.

These things are always easier when you have parents to run home to, amongst other things.

BoffinMum · 03/12/2010 22:02

Desiderata, you need a running away fund with enough for a deposit for a 2-bed flat near your children's schools, and the first month's rent or so. You organise this before you decide to leave, get the utilities sorted and so on. The week before you leave you do a big grocery shop, with your DH's money preferably, and stock the cupboards and freezer well. Fill up the car and have it serviced, preferably also with his money. Make sure you and the children have had recent new shoes, dental checks and haircuts, all that sort of thing. Be up to date with all your bills. Then when you are ready, announce you will be moving out soon because you are unhappy about him throwing things at you and getting angry. Tell him he will be able to carry on seeing his children frequently and you intend to be very grown up and civil about things. If he is likely to start chucking things when you tell him, do it with a friend there and clear off straight away (having made sure the flat is ready to receive you and your children).

This is how to leave with dignity.

GraceAwayInAManger · 03/12/2010 22:11

What are the chances of DH getting some therapy, to find out where his underlying anger's coming from? When you behave 'unknowingly' like this - out of control - it's always for some reason other than the one in front of you. It seems important that he learns how to fully understand it. Otherwise, he can't undertake not to do it again, can he, not if he was acting out unconsciously?

I confess to a degree of scepticism about the loss of control, mind you. He didn't know what he'd thrown at you but knew he'd thrown 'something', and you both seem to find that OK. If your only concern is his choice of weapon, I suspect you have an interesting time ahead.

kettlecrisps · 03/12/2010 23:48

Next time you find yourself "going on" at this lovely man about something or other that you feel frustrated or feel you need to defend your position about take a good long think about why you feel like that in the first place.

I'd lay a bet on the fact that he is much more disrespectful in general to you than you've woken up to yet. Take the blinkers off and really look at his demeanour and begin to believe that someone loving would never throw something at you.

I'm not being critical and saying you should know this already as it's a slow road to really see what is going on right in front of your eyes. Please start looking.

booyhohoho · 03/12/2010 23:51

he needs to leave.

he tried to physically harm you and is unremorseful. he sees no wrong in his actions. he will do it again.

WilfShelf · 03/12/2010 23:51

The two alarm bells here are:

throwing something at you. Not at the wall, not hitting or kicking a thing in frustration, but THROWING SOMETHING AT YOU. Intending to hurt.

and

blaming you for 'winding him up'.

Neither are acceptable. Both need tackling. You need to knock the latter thinking on the head right now: in any relationship, you are allowed to express your feelings, even angry and frustrated ones. If he can't handle that and over-reacts violently, it is HIS problem, not yours. See a therapist. Relate are very good.

Mumi · 04/12/2010 00:49

"I know this sounds odd, but he genuinely didn't realise what he'd thrown at me was so hard and heavy."

This doesn't make him any less dangerous (in fact it makes him more so as he is unpredictable).
You are completely missing the point, which is that he should not be throwing anything at you at all.

"At least he doesn't hit me"
"At least he doesn't hit me with anything hard or heavy"
" ... "

BonniePrinceBilly · 04/12/2010 01:05

How do you not realise something is not hard and heavy when you are holding it in your hands? While you are THROWING IT DELIBERATELY AT YOUR WIFES HEAD IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN?

Please don't kid yourself. Next time it will be he didn't mean to punch me, he didn't mean to kick me....and don't think your children won't remember this.

BaggyAgy · 04/12/2010 03:58

Hi,

If your partner,male or female assaults you, especially in front of the children, they, not you, should leave the home. Courts are very quick to order the aggressive partner out of the home immediately. You will still get Legal Aid for an injunction. Always take photos of injuries, show your neighbours or GP. Go to the hospital where they will record your injuries, and listen to your story. Children who witness domestic violence grow up to commit violence or to suffer it, believing that is what happens in marriages/relationships. 2 women are killed by domestic violence each week. Courts take any level of violence, very seriously. Even pushing and shoving is unacceptable. Throwing things at your head is clearly not acceptable. Your son on his birthday every year, will remember that his father assaulted his Mother, and she accepted it. He has been damaged! What a childhood memory. Will he grow up to be an abuser like his father?

djlancerock2day · 10/12/2010 15:52

Doha....what you said, you've got it spot on.

Don't be fooled by his apologys...he knew what he was doing. Don't put yourself or your kids through this

cestlavielife · 10/12/2010 16:14

what boffin mum said - which is what i did... and if you have no money etc then yes a hostel/refuge. there is always a way...

tired and grumpy - there is a problem with his "he genuinely didn't realise what he'd thrown at me was so hard and heavy."

as others said - how can eh not realise?
would it be ok if it was something soft?

no - not when thrown in anger...

because there is a chance it might happen again as he is so "out of control.

well, wait to see if he does "walk away" next time... what will you do if he does not walk away?

it also isnt about the kids being harmed directly by him physically - it is about what he does to you. in front of them.

cestlavielife · 10/12/2010 16:16

baggy aggy is isnt quite so simple as getting agressive partner ordered out of the family home. i was told i had to wait for more excessive violence. and as i didint get legal aid i put the £2500 towards a deposit on a flat (london prices) not towards an injunction...

however your other advice is spot on:

"Always take photos of injuries, show your neighbours or GP. Go to the hospital where they will record your injuries, and listen to your story."

FreudianSlippery · 10/12/2010 16:21

Only just seem this thread, but WTF, why does it matter if DH knew the object was heavy or not - he threw it at you there's no excuse for that.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/12/2010 16:45

He didn't realise what he had thrown was so hard or heavy - so he fully realised he had chucked it at your head

He has no right to throw objects at you and I am not convinced he won't do similar again.
Please try and keep yourself safe and don't hesitate to come back and post no matter what happens.

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