'd'h has just thrown a hard object with force at my head

[tiredandgrumpy]

Sorry this is long and overly detailed.

It's ds' birthday. We were waiting for h to get home early for ds' birthday cake. He got home 45 mins later than planned, because he'd had a difficult journey home (though I think he left work too late). Waiting then for h to come and sing happy birthday etc. Niggles ensued, he got so cross with me that he threw a pocket magnifying glass at my head (heavy, solid metal frame), hard, from a close distance. Kids were watching and of course very upset. I calmed them down, we had cake etc, I put the kids to bed. They seem ok. I'm still shaking now.

2 hours on and he still hasn't apologised to me, blaming me for making him so cross. This isn't the first time he's hurt me, but it has been a very long while. He clearly came home in a bad mood and I obviously did wind him up, but still, acting like that in front of the kids? No apology? I don't know what to do.

Do you want your kids to have these kind of memories?

"I remember one birthday we were all waiting fo dad to come home and when he did him and mum had an arguement and he threw a magnifying glass at her head"

What an awful memory for a child to hold

I wouldn't call the police. Not unless I really thought he intended to hurt and would do it again imminently.
This has to be worked through by the OP and her DH.
No wonder there are so many broken marriages if people aren't given a chance to work it out for themselves.

Not saying what he did was right (obviously) but it doesn't necessarily need external intervention or hhe end of a marriage.

greenshadow, I also agree people need ot work at marriage. I have been with DH almost 14 years. it takes effort and work and ou have ups and downs

however, the day he throws an object at my head in front of the children, he can kiss the marriage goodbye.

it is a total and absolute dealbreaker

no wonder is it 2, or more women die every week at the hands of their partners.. if women feel to blame or they're not trying ahrd enoug

Greenshadow - thank you for the above.

The problem is is that there isn't really any way of telling if he's going to do it again. The fact that he hasn't said sorry I think speaks volumnes about his attitude towards her.

Maybe there are a lot of broken marriages due to people not been given the chance to work it out but there are also a lot of battered women due to women giving their partners chance afetr chance. I do think something like this needs nipping in the bud, a clear message that its not acceptable.

Personally I'd be slinging him out and then talking. Yes I'd give him the chance to discuss/sort things out. But we would remain seperated while attending counselling while I decided if I thought it was likely to reoccur.

the OP has said

'THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME HE'S HURT ME'

so, this won't be the last will it??

why should she feel to blame?

why should he not shoulder the full responsibility for this? in front of his children FFS

OP I felt so sad reading your post.

Sad because you excused your H's behaviour (my mum does this with her violent and aggressive H).

Sad because your children have seen this. They would have been scared. Violence by their dad towards their mum in their own home. Where they should feel safe.

This has happened before - why are you still with this man?

Behaviour
Threatening with an article used as a weapon e.g. a knife, tool, telephone, chair.

Possible Offence
Threats to kill, common assault, affray, threatening behaviour.

Behaviour
Throwing articles, e.g. crockery, even if they miss their target.

Possible Offence
Common assault, actual/grievous bodily harm, wounding, criminal damage, affray, threatening
behaviour.

This is from the Crown Prosecution Service Policy on Domestic Violence, appendix A.
page 72.

He has committed at least one crime of violence against you today.

HeyHey when in a hole stop digging

TiredandGrumpy there is absolutely no excuse for what he did. I don't care whether or not he is stressed nor if you were grumpy when he got in nothing justifies him using violence against you. You are not his emotional or physical punchbag for him to work out his stresses.

Look at it this way, if he got delayed on the way to a dental appointment so the dentist complained to him or refused to see him and your DH then threw a heavy object at the dentist's head he would have been arrested. No one would be arguing the dentist "wound him up so it was OK for him to be violent". So if its not OK to do it to a total stranger it is absolutely not OK to do it to you.

I would make sure you get photographic evidence of any marks and consider ringing womens aid for some advice when you are alone.

Heyhay - what a fucking stupid post.

I'm curious. All of you "work it out" advisors - do you throw objects at people's heads when you're pissed off?

Greenshadow - this isn't a little row this is someone being violent i.e. a man committing a serious crime against his wife. I sincerely hope that this marriage is broken and wonder why you are so keen to see a bad marriage survive?

I really don't understand why people trot out the "no wonder so many marraiges break up if people don't work at it" line. Whether people work at their marriages or otherwise is irrelevant and in fact this board would tend to suggest the opposite - that many of the women on here work too long at their marriage without much reward.

Lulu - I am with you 100%. Total dealbreaker and I can't believe some of the responses on here.

You say that he has done this before?

If this had been a one off then i would be telling you to sit and have a calm discussion about his temper and get him into anger management.

but it isn't a one off. this is something he clearly has a problem with.

you need to sit down and think carefully about what you expect from a marriage and what sort of behaviours you will tolerate.
This incident is beyond acceptable, not least because it was in front of the children.

It is not our place to tell you to leave immediately. if you don't believe yourself to be in immediate danger then maybe he will agree to some counselling.

His lack of remorse is worrying me though

Heyhay - your second post is fucking stupid too. He hasn't 'behaved badly' - he's committed a crime.

Fucking hell. I can't believe people are whining about broken marriages when the OP has been assaulted in front of her children, on a childs birthday.

Firstly I totally agree with those saying it is completely unacceptable for him to behave like that. He clearly thinks it is acceptable because otherwise he wouldn't have done it.

If I was in your situation right now I would inform "H" that his behaviour was unacceptable and that if anything similar were to happen again I will leave. I would tell him that you will not tolerate any violence in the house. I would also expect an apology.

Over the next couple of days I would get together any paperwork in case I needed to leave and anything I wouldn't want to lose like photo albums.

Plan for the worst, hope for the best, iyswim?

Hope you are ok op.

At the 1st sign of anything happening again, go.

If you can't face the thought of speaking to him about it then its time to leave anyway.

Totally unacceptable behaviour all his fault and responsibility. Get some professional advice here and weigh it all up. If you think he is likely to be violent again leave you will be ok.

Domestic violence

Never to be tolerated.

OP, pleae ring Women's Aid and get some advice here

I am so sorry you are living with an abuser, and that your children are witnessing spousal abuse

I may again be wrong in this, I understand that places like relate refuse to do couple councelling with an abusive relationship, as the abuser uses it to abuse further!

The sort of counselling I would be advising is for op alone to gain knowledge and strength for herself and her children! w/a help with that.

it is unrealisitic to expect 100 % happiness day in day out

most people, especially with young children, are stressed, simply day to day stuff is stressful with small childrne, many families are under increasing financial pressure, the weather is dreadful too, it's dark and cold and people get bad tempered.. of course you have to put the effort in to ride it out..

but when the day is that bad and you are that angry, you walk away, you don't throw a heavy object at your partner's head in front of the children

I cannot beleive the 2 posters on here who are trying to justify it

And yy at the lack of remorse. Even the vilest of abusers manage to turn the waterworks on a few times. This one won't even give you that.

OP, really, you should have left the first time he hurt you

Never mind that now, you know he has crossed a line (again), don't you ?

I would call the fucking police. A man who isn't instantly mortified at such an action needs a MUCH bigger wake-up call than a "serious talk" and vague threats of divorce.

Oh and if he becomes violent again ring the police. He will probably end up with a night in the cells...

I sooo would not challenge him at all tonight that is dangerous, I would quietly act as normal tonight. Tomorrow is when you get the paperwork and make appointments when he is at work and kids with someone or school x