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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sticky Situation

92 replies

BreakFree · 27/11/2010 02:31

My partner and I are splitting up after 5years together. He is not the biological father of my older child but he knows no different as he was only a baby when DP came along. My other daughter is both of ours and only a toddler.
I am worried because when we split up where does it leave my son? My partner has been bitter and said that if I split with him we can't play happy families anymore and he won't be my sons father anymore. It really worries me how my son will take this if it happens and I feel like its is all my fault for ending up with such a horrible self centred ass hole in the first place. He is emotionally verbally and psychologically abusive.

OP posts:

EnnisDelMar · 27/11/2010 07:36

Oh my goodness. What is clear immediately is that although you 'can't win' either way, you cannot allow this man to stay in your lives and doing the sort of damage he is doing already.

my feeling is that if he stays away from your son, your son will be better off tbh.

I'm so sorry you are all going through this (you and the children)

He does sound really horrible.

EnnisDelMar · 27/11/2010 07:38

He's actually probably using this threat to try and keep you in his power anyway - an abuser needs someone to abuse and he is scared you'll actually leave him.

Don't take anything he says to heart, it's probably empty posturing.

Do what you need to do to protect your children and yourself from this asshole.

Womens aid will help you if you call them x

TDaDa · 27/11/2010 08:10

Oh my god.... your DH will go to any extreme to control you. I hope that you find a way to break free. warm wishes

gardenglory · 27/11/2010 08:23

How old is your oldest child? Has he been a good stepfather to him?

gardenglory · 27/11/2010 09:15

Is it in your child's interests to carry on his relationship with him? If he is a good stepfather to him?

Just realised he says he won't bother with him anymore if you split - manipulative.

gardenglory · 27/11/2010 09:38

If he does carry out his proposed action regarding your son, then, IMO, it is better it happens when your son is young (don't know his age), rather than having someone mucking his head about with sporadic contact, as and when he feels like it.

EnnisDelMar · 27/11/2010 11:08

He doesn't sound like a good father because a good father wouldn't try and intimidate his children's mother or threaten to treat one of them differently if she dares leave him.

Men like this make me so, so angry. How dare he - does he think you are willing to put up with any old crap from him just so that he keeps acting the dad to your son?

I hope you are doing Ok OP.

gardenglory · 27/11/2010 11:31

Yes, he does.

Original poster

BreakFree · 27/11/2010 21:38

Yes, he does.
He told me today that I am not worth it and that I am ignorant all because I wrote him a letter explaining why I want to split. I didn't get angry, point the finger of blame or anything. I just calmly stated I felt the relationship was over. He said he wasn't going to act like daddy while someone else was with his missus! and also he said "I can't see me being Daddy in the long run and you off with someone else, working out" He can't bloody seperate a relationship with a child to a relationship with a lover or something? Am I being unreasonable. My son is 7 and their relationship has been ok. He doesn't like how DP shouts at me all the time and I think he is jealous (DP) of my parents who dote on my Son. He actually tries to make out that we spoil my son and ignore my daughter. He has gone so far as to say that I favour my son over my daughter

His last words to me, after my reasonable letter where I explained how I honestly felt,
were, I will let go, don't worry about that. Because it's like trying to talk to a brick wall with you. I will be nice for Christmas for them alone, I'm not going to play happy happy with you though, you're a head wrecker

You're so ignorant you still insist I only want you for s. (I never said that, what I said was the only time he showed me love or affection was if sex was his next move) You're not worth it, thanks for clarifying that in my head. I'm beginning to feel sorry I ever fell for you. You really know nothing about me

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 27/11/2010 21:42

Oh, I think you know enough about him to realise this is the right thing to do. What a horrible man.

EnnisDelMar · 28/11/2010 07:23

He is a very angry and confused and really rather stupid man.

I think you know what to do. Your children will be relieved I think.

gardenglory · 28/11/2010 10:04

Breakfree - I am very happy for you that you have reached this decision. Worrying about how he will cope must be put aside to allow you to concentrate on your future with the dc. I have never had the experience of being with someone who appears to be vulnerable - I can't even imagine it.

gardenglory · 28/11/2010 10:05

Favouring your own son - this will get worse.

detachandtrustyourself · 28/11/2010 12:09

IMO, take it one step at a time breakfree. You have decided to separate for the well being of yourself and dc.IMO Do the practical things to separate and meanwhile/when you have left/got him out, get some advice how to help ds if HP refuses to "play happy families" as he so nastily puts it.

detachandtrustyourself · 28/11/2010 13:37

gardenglory expect you and everyone knows this but will risk looking silly as this is, I hope anyway, anonomous. Some abusive men are not vulnerable, or don't want you to see them so. Want you to think how lucky you are to have them, you should be grateful. They can do anything better than you can, use methods to use interaction with the children to hurt you (like breakfree partner saying he will make christmas nice for kids but not be 'nicey nicey' with breakfree).
In other cases, they decide they need more cards to play, e.g. try to make woman feel guilty/it's not fair/man is vulnerable. If that doesn't work, e.g. in breakfree's case, say they will no longer act as stepfather to stepson, use dc to manipulate the mother.

gardenglory · 28/11/2010 14:08

alb2 - it is unfortunate when they are invulnerable.

detachandtrustyourself · 28/11/2010 15:47

gardenglory, I can remember a time when my xh was invulnerable. I had done some thing wrong and to the outside world he hadn't. It was like he had an excuse to be controlling because of something I had done. His invulnerableness (invulnerability?) made it seem like I was useless, 'not making a contribution', a 'parasite', unwelcome outsider in my own home. It is unfortunate when they are invulnerable, as you say.

detachandtrustyourself · 29/11/2010 18:04

btw I had done things he considered wrong.

detachandtrustyourself · 29/11/2010 18:32

breakfree don't know if you are coming back on this thread. I wish you the strength you need to cope. If you want to post on here again, or start another thread, there are many knowledgable women who can support you. And I hope you can get some real life help as well. Have you spoken to your parents about this? They could be a big support as well as outside agencies.

Original poster

BreakFree · 01/12/2010 22:47

Hi alb2
Thanks for taking the time to reply to my woes , you and everyone else.
Been peaceful the last few days, as DP has asked what would it take to get things right between us. I said I wasn't sure anything could, but for him to start he could go and commit to taking anger management and counselling which he has agreed to but he also wants me to go to which I'm not sure I want to.
I know I can react badly when he throws a tantrum but I know its only because its my own self defence mechanism that I try to stand up for myself when he throws a wobbler at me and then turns verbally abusive.
I would like to think we could just act normally for Christmas and then have him see and be assessed by a proffessional and have their advice as to how to move on from this.

He also apologised for the rant he had about our child (my child) and said he loves him very much and would hate to lose us all.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

LoopyLoops · 01/12/2010 22:56

I have no experience of splitting up from a relationship involving children, but I do have experience of people who are emotionally abusive.

The attitude he has towards your son is very worrying. He is using him as a pawn to keep you. He is happy to cast him adrift fatherless, and claims that your favouritise him over your daughter.
In my experience, if he is to maintain a relationship with both children, it will only go one way. He will resent your son more and more, and begin to emotionally abuse him too. You won't be aware of everything going on, as you will no longer be involved in their relationship. Imagine the issues this will lead to with DS and DD.

I think the issue really is how much of a relationship you will allow him to have with his daughter, and how this is to be arranged without her falling victim to his abuse.

DS is old enough to understand that Daddy is a grumpy man, but will be hurt and upset that he doesn't want to see him. Does XP work? Would it be possible for his contact to happen in the day during the week, when DS is at school? OR alternatively, can you arrange an exciting activity that takes place every time he has contact with DD?

ChippingIn · 01/12/2010 23:04

Men like this don't change. A man that can say those things will always be trouble.

How near do your parents live?

If you split up - who would stay in the house and who would leave?

detachandtrustyourself · 02/12/2010 14:32

Break free, you may think or be told you react badly when he throws a tantrum. IME abusive man argues in such a twisted and confusing way and will not listen to reason. I used to start shouting in a demented manner. Which may seem odd, as I was frightened of him. He wanted to provoke me to shout so it would look like he was reasonable and had such a calm voice and I would look like the 'bad' one. Is that what you mean when you say you "can react badly". Or something else?

I ask the same question as chippingIn, If you split up - who would stay in the house and who would leave?

Does he think it is 'his' house?

TrappedinSuburbia · 02/12/2010 14:38

What about the christmas thing? (presuming he's out the house for then)
If he's going to be nasty to you then I wouldn't let him in for the full day tbh because it will upset the children to see him horrible to 'mummy'.
He's turning nasty because he's losing control.

gardenglory · 02/12/2010 14:52

alb2 - your last post. How did you change your perception that you were not 'the bad one'.?

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