Sticky Situation

[BreakFree]

My partner and I are splitting up after 5years together. He is not the biological father of my older child but he knows no different as he was only a baby when DP came along. My other daughter is both of ours and only a toddler.
I am worried because when we split up where does it leave my son? My partner has been bitter and said that if I split with him we can't play happy families anymore and he won't be my sons father anymore. It really worries me how my son will take this if it happens and I feel like its is all my fault for ending up with such a horrible self centred ass hole in the first place. He is emotionally verbally and psychologically abusive.

You are right. He wouldn't call you those names and be aggressive towards you if he really loved you. You know that you are lovable, it is just him that doesn't love you. He just wants to keep his home and everything paid for IMO and IME. You are right, even if he changes for a while, it will not last. I just hope you will find a way to make him go or leave yourself. You are being very strong by telling him it is not fixable etc. Could you ring one of the helplines mentioned?

Well done for sleeping in seperate rooms.

Thanks a1 I feel really bad now though. I assume thats normal. It means he's creeping back into my head with all these promises of change.I said he needed to move out and do all these things and even then I could not say I would ever want to go back to him. Maybe that sounds too hopeful for him but I couldn't look him in the eye and say I wanted him gone. He was being to civil and agreeable which totally unnerved me.

I think it is probably normal to feel bad. And he is trying to make you feel bad. Has he agreed to move out etc., in the hope you might get back together? Or are you still stuck?

Still stuck at the moment because he says he has no where to go (no money) and if he were to go back to where he is from he says he would never see the children and he cant do that.He referred to my DS as his own and said stuff he said he didnt mean he was just trying to hurt me. Exactly. I asked him to leave for a few days to give me space. ,and he said he would do that.
I am just exhausted mentally today. New years eve and I just have this feeling of dread and anxiety not hope for a new year. I don't know what to do for the right decision. I mean don't statistics say that emotionally/verbally abusive men won't change even with anger management/counselling. but then what if he does change and I walked away. I am such a dumbass.
I feel so confused and so pressured by everthing and everyone and so down
I was talking to my mum earlier and she heard it in my voice and asked me was I a bit down.
I said yes, but didn't go into why.They've heard it all before.
Mum thinks that if he moved out and genuinely got help that he could change. When he is in a good mood he is great but he flys from happy to angry all too quickly. I think he has bipolar disorder like his mum but he is undiagnosed as he went to one psychiatric appointment last year and a few personal counselling sessions and never returned even though at the time he said it was actually a good thing. We did Relate counselling last year after things came to a head and for a while it helped but he said that all that time he was in denial that he had a problem.

I am far to used to reading that men don't change.
I think I'm the one that needs counselling to be honest.

IMO abusive men don't change and also everything I have read. No wonder you are mentally exhausted. Is he leaving for a few days very soon? I have heard the not got anywhere to go and no money and so have other people I know. He will just have to apply to a landlord who takes Housing Benefit. Or go to a homeless hostel. Could maybe get a list from the local council. I seem to remember he only pays a loan and internet. It is not your responsibility to give him a roof over his head. He is a grown man. People told me this, I know how hard it is to put that thought in to action.

Apparently now I'm cold hearted and pathetic because he again tried to "get with me" tonight and I was having none of it. Apparently I'm "as bad as he is" I am the problem and my parents are the problem. He actually thought we would go to bed together "just for this one night"
and was disgusted when I said no. And raged at me after.

Sorry he walked in. He raged at me from the door about how much of an ice queen I am. That I can't see my faults and only talk about him and that I make him out to be bad to stop myself looking bad.
What a mind fuck.
It was all going civil until he decided he wanted sex. He SAID "I cant believe sexually you don't want to be with me tonight"
AND THEN HE WONDERS WHY I WENT NUTS!!!!!

Please someone reply. Anyone. I am just getting headfucked here by him storming into the room every now and then to tell me how horrible I am. That the rows were all 50/50 that I cant just forget 5years and walk away. He has gone from nasty to sitting down on the couch being nice and when i didnt reciprocate he went off in a storm again.
Classic . Yes I know. Doesn't make it any easier while I'm sitting here ..

none of who said what to who when etc matters any more. dont get into any more dicusssion with him over who is at fault.

stick to broken record technique - very calmly repeat "i do not want sex with you. I need you to leave for a few days. after that, we will talk".

yes counselling for you is good idea - but you need him away from you.

and if he wont go; then seriously, pack up the DC and go somewhere yourself - oldest still on school hols? what is stopping you. go to your mum, whereever.

i was in similar situation xmas 2007 - exP had been away, had returned to see the DC, promised he understood i didnt want him any more , he would sleep in DS bedroom etc etc -it all changed when he arrived and he bahaved as your P - saying we could work it out, trying to sleep in same bed etc .... it took til the april 2008 before i was able to move out - only option as he refused to.

your p wont go easily that is for sure - think thru realsitic options

Thankyou CLV..he is busy msging me on msn from the other room now. ffs.
I will crack up.
Thanks for your advice. You are right.

Honestly dont enter into discussion with him. He will just twist it to make out you're the one at fault, not him. The less you engage with him the better.

I have been in a similar situation - like cestlavie I had to move out in the end as nothing short of a nuclear missile was shifting my Ex. We spent 6 months living in the same house after I told him it was over, and it was only when I actually moved out that he finally 'got' that we were finished...

ignore him . it is late.

not engaging is hard work but do it you must.

just keep repeating camly to him, "there is nothing more to be said. you need to leave for a few days".

if he doesnt - then you need to do so with the DC.

no ifs no buts no listening to his pleading /niceness/anger.

Well done breakfree, for not giving in to "get with" him last night. How horrible, what you are having to endure. Is he going for a few days? Or could you go to your parents till school starts, as CV suggests. (probably no public transport today, but could ask them to collect you? Or go when buses on again?). What CV, and hatesponge said as well.

Ok, you're the one with the money and the power. Find another house locally that you LIKE. Big enough for you and the kids. Rent it IN SECRET. Stop paying the rent on the current one. Leave him to it.

Like the comments on here that advise disengaging. Don't bother arguing and start doing things for yourself. He's being a complete freak because he's terrified of your power to leave. He needs you far more than you need him.

Get family help if it boosts your confidence.

The longer you stay, the more down you'll feel.

And only you'll know when the time is right to do all this. Only you know when you've had enough. It's nobody else's decision.

Hi breakfree, how are you?