Sticky Situation

[BreakFree]

My partner and I are splitting up after 5years together. He is not the biological father of my older child but he knows no different as he was only a baby when DP came along. My other daughter is both of ours and only a toddler.
I am worried because when we split up where does it leave my son? My partner has been bitter and said that if I split with him we can't play happy families anymore and he won't be my sons father anymore. It really worries me how my son will take this if it happens and I feel like its is all my fault for ending up with such a horrible self centred ass hole in the first place. He is emotionally verbally and psychologically abusive.

gardenglory, I must think about this question to remember and answer properly.

gardenglory - I am not very skilled at writing consisely and in an organised way, but here goes. How I changed my perception that I was 'the bad one'

1. realising that it was sort of selfish to keep last dc (he kept trying to pressure me to have abortion), but that didn't mean I was 'the bad one'.

1. looking objectively at things he said made me 'the bad one'

1. seeing the ridiculousness of some of his arguments and seeing him applying his seeing other members of his own family as lazy, untidy and 'scroungers' who spent too much money. When it was obviously not true. Seeing his treatment of his own family.

1. Being helped to realise I had been passive aggresive (by a health proffessional) and also being helped to realise that it was an understandable reaction to his controlling behaviour. (I did not believe it straight away)

1. eg. realising me not wanting sex at least once and preferably twice a day at any time of the day and night, did not make me bad, and did not mean I had robbed him of the prime years of his life!

1. reading Lundy Bancroft book "why does he do that? inside .......of controlling...."

1. Seeing by chance, a film of abusive controlling man and how he treated wife and stepson and recognising hh in the man in the film, recognising treatment of stepson in his treatment of my eldest dc, (his stepson)[shocked]. (in film was physical as well but could see phsychological etc abuse. Cmore. Can't remember how much like me the woman was, but it helped me realise it was him, not me!

1. Remembering a book i had read years ago and parallels with me and him. When I read the book years before I met him I could see he was the bad one, not her.

9. Remembering me and my son were happy and independant before I met him. He had not 'rescued' us. (he seemed to think he had). Realising I did not have to be grateful for small crumbs of kindness from him. Realising no one is perfect. Being not perfect (one e.g. being disorganised)does not make you 'bad', 'dispicable' etc.

There must be more ways I changed perception.

Do not know if any of these like you or OP, or help you or op. Think can apply situations to other situations though.

alb2 - rescued (and also that you are a charity case); you do end up desperate for 'crumbs of kindness', yes.

gardenglory and breakfree and everyone. Even if a woman is 'rescued' and 'a charity case', does not mean she owes her 'rescuer' forever. It doesn't mean he is a 'good catch'. Even if he is as handsome as Sean Bean, (or whoever you think is handsome) with lovely accent and voice, and at the same time landed gentry!(not my dream to catch a man from the landed gentry by the way) (or any man at all tbh) Even if he keeps you and dcs in the lap of luxury, and with him, you never have to wonder where the next meal is coming from! (not my experience!)

There is no excuse for a man to be abusive.

I never need or feel desperate for,'crumbs of kindness' now because I don't live with constant or intermitent unkindness and hurt any more. And IMO, and IME, other women who have broken free of abuse feel the same. (exstatic to have got away, mostly)

Sorry I haven't been back to this.
I am in just such a head-f* at the moment. Just as I suspected DP seems to thing it has all blown over and that once Christmas passes it will all go back to the humdrum.
He is staying anyway through Christmas that was my decision as I don't want the kids to remember Christmas as when we split or someone left.
The reason I say that is because as A1b2 said yes he does think its "his house" and his "right" to stay here. Even though I am the one that pays the rent on it!His share of the bills are basically paying back a bank loan and the internet bill. I've been called bitch already 4 times today. Nice eh.
Me moving out would mean having to move in with my parents which is not really an option as they live quite far away and school is very close to where I live. I don't drive so I usually walk the kids to school and public transport is not great around here. So he would use that as a hold over me. Refusing to leave. The council won't move him out either because his name is on the lease even though I pay the rent.

I don't know what to do really. I am just sick of being stuck in this cycle. He will have sex with me and then a few hours later call me a bitch for having a differing opinion to him. When I said I can get quite angry back and lose the head I mean that yes I do talk back to him but I don't usually shout. I can get very angry though and next thing I know I'm taking out my frustration out on the kids by being abrupt with them. My older child has already said a few times "god I wish he would just leave" and "I wish Dad would stop shouting"

He says I am the one that favours between my two children. He is the one that does it. I have caught him on many occasions being unfair to my son. Example, this morning I was upstairs and I heard him scolding and taking something off my son to give to my daughter because she wanted it - even though it belonged to my son and my daughter had just lost hers as usual. I came down and intervened and of course was the bitch from hell for doing so. But I just knew by the way he spoke to my son that he was being unfair.

He claims he loves him like he loves our daughter but I clearly don't think that no matter what he claims.
He is so nasty with me. The names he calls me you wouldnt call a perfect stranger . I resent him so much. I go through the motions of sex just so that there is no fighting from him. but even at that it still happesn.
I feel trapped. I would love nothing more than to break free.

So Feel like I am betraying myself everytime I live another day like this
Why is it so hard to break out of this?
I used to be such a strong independent woman.
My sons father treated me like crap and I threw him out and was so so strong and everything and now I am reduced to this weak
pathetic being. I'm letting my kids down.
I don't need people telling me to "leave now! and "why arent you gone yet" and lecturing me. . I don't know what I need to be frank

Also A1b2
This has really stuck out to me

"

1. Remembering me and my son were happy and independant before I met him. He had not 'rescued' us. (he seemed to think he had). Realising I did not have to be grateful for small crumbs of kindness from him. Realising no one is perfect. Being not perfect (one e.g. being disorganised)does not make you 'bad', 'dispicable' etc "

"have him see and be assessed by a proffessional "

what kind of professional?
what assesment are you thinking?

Breakfree, I am so sorry you feel trapped like this. I'm sorry can only give quick reply at moment, getting dcs off to school and nursery, then work, but will check back later. I have been through similar, house was in exh name and he thought he had right to stay there, but not council, so not sure of regulations. You could try phoning or website of Shelter (housing) www.shelter.org.uk. 0808 800 4444. or women's aid - www.womensaid.org.uk - 0808 2000 247.

When I first said I was thinking of spliting up, exh twisted arguments to make me stay, he actually said later it was only because he could't afford the house and to live without my money. (and children's money in fact!) After that point when he said he needed my money. It still took me about a year after that to get away. I so much regret not leaving sooner, especially effects on oldest dc (my child, not his), I thought of christmas too, but that christmas with him was horrible, and the following christmas when we had got away was peaceful and so lovely to be relatively free of him.

Your son has said he wishes dad would just go/stop shouting, so if you did get away before christmas he would be relieved to have christmas with you, step dad not there. Your toddler IMO is too young to look back and remember it as the christmas of the split or when somone left. I realise it is very close to christmas now to get him out or leave. Unless you could stay temporarily with parents once it is school holidays?

I'm sorry I have to go in a few minutes, might be chance to write something before work, otherwise will be later. Stay strong. You can do this, it is just a matter of working out how.

Breakfree, he will keep telling you that you favour your son if he has already started doing that, he will use that against you, and be severe with your son, and, unless I am wrong, this will cause alot of friction between you, and be the cause of many arguments to come. I know. How has his relationship with your son been before?

How was his relationship with your son before your daughter came along? It sounds like he is using your son as another 'stick to beat you with'.

You earn money, you still have some independence; you can be an independent woman again - back to how you were when you met him.

Breakfree - you have lost your 'self-belief'. That's what happens in these situations.

And, breakfree, they always keep telling you how you are 'not worth it'. They want you to feel you are nothing, meaningless, unimportant... What someone from an older generation (without knowing all the terms/language to describe it) as generally 'a nasty piece of work'.

That's what someone would generalise about such a person, I meant to say.

breakfree, everything dhn said.

Breakfree, I think the general principal is the mother and children take priority when it comes to housing. But you would need to 'phone or see an expert for advice - shelter or women's Aid. Or you can get a free half hour with a Solicitor (govt is making cuts but think it is still available). You might need to ring the Council and explain what has happened, to see if your name can be put on the lease.

When you moved in, did he already live there, or did you move in together? Why is it his name on the lease?

Could he afford the rent, on his own, if you weren't there?

I was told a court order could be made to make him go, but in my case I knew he felt above the law, plus I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own, and I knew he wouldn't help me, plus I just needed to get away from him, his sense of entitlement and how he was behaving, meant it was better for me and dcs to get away. I might have tried harder if I was in a council house, low rent, I don't know. I found a private rented house, still in walking distance of school.

Whatever you do, do not leave without your children, even temporarily(I'm sure you know that)

Thankyou for your replys girls.
I have still been going through the motions and living outside of my self and pretending it is not happening. He has been nice for the most part until I can't hold up the act any longer and suddenly i am called cold and horrible. went through the motions of you know what last night but got a lecture about how I refuse to give OS and that I am weird and abnormal for not wanting to please him that way and that normal women do it. I said only some weeks ago when I wrote him the letter of informing him I wanted to split that I would never love S or OS the way he does. I told him that I was not the right woman for him. He said "maybe you're right" not because he agreed, there was sarcasm in that statement.
I know you are all thinking what the hell is she doing having S with him if she told him she wanted to split up. I really don't know its not for my enjoyment anyway believe me. I guesss I am just so used to acting to keep peace at this stage.
But last night followng the act I got told how cold I was to him and he went to sleep in the spare room in a huff. Not that I cared, I slept like a baby after that.
I realise while writing this out that I sound like a frightened little lamb or something. I
guess I am. I allow these things to happen and put on a smile and an act because otherwise ther would be a fight and he has woken the kids up several times in his temper slamming doors downstairs or ranting at me from downstairs

As for the house.We moved in together. He claims he has no wher to go and no money to do it. He hasn't worked in a while. Was made redundant from his job and has not been able to get another one.I wish I could say that he's only been like this since then but its not true. Its gone on for years and I should have left sooner but then I got pg with my daughter. Also before my daughter was born he was great with my son. His attitude with D is similar to me. D is always wrong and is never really praised or appreciated by DP and like how he is with me his attitude towards D is up and down. Perfect father to him one day and another day just seems to make D upset and if I was D I would feel picked on too.
Today he has changed his relationship status on facebook to its complicated. At least he's right about that.

Breakfree, I understand you having sex, acting to keep the peace. I'm expect there are other women who understand too. This is not sex with true consent. As you have found, just doing it, still gets him telling you how cold you are to him. Well done for refusing to give OS. You are not wierd and abnormal not wanting to please him that way. I don't know if 'normal' women do it or not. But I have never met a woman who says she enjoys it. (IMO any woman who does say she enjoys it is lying or deluding herself.) Maybe some do, or enjoy giving the man they love pleasure that way. It requires much more action on your part, and feels horribly more invasive, than just going through the motions, IMO, not entirely sure why. You might find if you just tell him that as you are seperating, only in the same house temporarily due to christmas and he has nowhere to go and no money etc. therefore you are not doing sex any more, he reluctantly accepts it, only occasionally trying for it again (which you can refuse). Seems like you are used to acting, you had sex when you resented him and wanted to get rid of him, and didn't want it for your enjoyment. So now when you have told him you want to separate, it doesn't seem so different to you. But it is different.

If you haven't got the strength/frightened to tell him no, or not give in if he pesters you, just so you can go to sleep, yet, please do ensure you have reliable contraception.

(sorry for long sentences.)

Please ring women's aid, or tell someone in RL about this.

Well done, OP, for refusing to do OS. He won't like that. He didn't win on that particular thing with you. You have started to start finding boundaries as to what is acceptable and comfortable behaviour for you. Of course you don't feel like doing an intimate act like OS to a man who is being unkind to you; it would feel demeaning and humiliating. And don't berate yourself for going along with it, in your situation; you are not the only woman who does this; that is the reality. But, intrinsically, of course, no one is supposed to go along (or worse be bullied) into sex. Does he tend to call the shots, anyway, as to when you two have sex? And, it is sad, but it is a situation sometimes of a man treating a woman like an object in bed (instead of being a loving partner), getting nil response, and then using that to beat them with a stick about - 'you're cold, you're not very exciting in bed, you're boring, sex is just mechanical with you......'

If you are going through with separating from him, I wouldn't let him think you are still available for him for his sexual purposes. It won't help your self-esteem. Take care.

Going along with sex, I meant.

I want to say thanks again to all of you for taking the time to reply to my problems. I have never used a message board before and I am so grateful that you have cared enough to reply to me with such advice.

The biggest issue I have right now is my own weaknesses. I seem to cave just because I don't want another fight or to be told I am a b* or c** or whatever. At the same time he seems to still have his head in the sand and believes that I do not want to go through with this seperation.

I am fed up of the years of emotional abuse and how it has affected the children.At the same time I am terribley afraid of the break up process because of how he is. So stubborn in his own mind that I am the wretched one. I wrote things out clearly and pointed out to him in those letters pretty how it was and how it was going to be.
He doesn't seem to be listening. He told me he would go to anger management and therapy.
I know for a fact that isn't going to work and he would slip back to his own ways as soon as he got his foot under the door.
Why is it not getting through to him. I know the sex thing shouldn't have happened. I'm sure he would say I'm leading him on.
He went nuts today because he said I thought Take That were fit. He said not me. I tend not to even notice other men to be honest although I had said that it brought me back to my childhood. He said I shouldnt be looking at other men because its disrespectful and its not on.
This is what I live with. Thats not right at all! I am always afraid to go out anywhere with him because he will throw a fit if I speak to an old friend (male) and god forbid I should have any contact with any friends who are male at all. Interrogation springs to mind. Then of course I get flustered and feel on the defensive and I get accused of being suspicious because I'm so defensive.

Oh I could go on and on.
It is so hard to end this for good. I feel like he owns me or something and that I'm trying to escape. I just wish he would leave.

We care, Breakfree, and I wish I had been able to get more such advice, from people who understand what I was/you are dealing with. I don't want you to continue to have to put up with this. You 'go on' as much as you like.

The break up proccess is difficult. But you have already started it. And it will be so worth it in the end. He probably won't dissappear, but you will be free. Might have to deal with verbal and text abuse. But that will be nothing compared to what you are living now.

About the house, you moved in together, so surely, with it being council, the size of it, certainly, if not getting a council place at all, was on the strength of you and dcs, not just him. Even if it is his name on the lease. But if this is going to be too difficult, you may have to leave with dcs.

Facebook status - it's complicated - form a queue ladies. I am available! I am losing hold over current DP, but cannot accept this until I have reasonable prospect of regular lovemaking with another. I will give you an amazing time in bed. I need a woman who will give me a place to live/help pay my rent here if current DP and dcs leave. Also financial support in other ways. In return, you get me, lucky ladies!

I laughed at your last paragraph
I went to bed last night alone again because he had another fit over something ridiculous. He accused me of being a horrible B and tht I had too much hatred in me. Then when I said that he hadn't listened to a word I said and that I was serious about the break up he called me all sorts of names including that I was ugly. I replied that this abuse is exactly why its over. Not that that had any effect. He continues to insult me as I went to bed.
I just ignored him. I have learned that retaliation is just what he wants.

Glad you liked last paragraph

yes breakfree, hatred, towards him and caused by him.

You are right, retaliation is just what he wants. Doing the right thing ignoring him. And you should be sleeping apart from each other every night of course.

Should be in different houses.

I know a1b2 , I know
It doesn't' seem to be getting through to him either. Just last night he asked did I want to go to bed with him to smooch
Instead of saying No and giving a reason why I found myself making the excuse that I had my AF which is true but at the same time I found myself wondering why I was so weak as to not just say why I didn't want to have sex with him. I am so exhausted by the fighting that I just couldn't go through another round of verbal insults and a tantrum.
I just feel so tired. I find my stomach in knots all the time with anxiety and I am trying to keep on this false face with everyone - that I am coping fine and much as I would like to tell someone what I'm feeling I can't either because I don't trust myself not to let him back in again if you know what I mean.
I have found myself drifting away lately dreaming about another man that I loved dearly as a friend for years and years before I met DP We were never together as a couple but were best friends with definite attraction. When I started seeing DP some weeks in the friend of mine told me he regretted not having made his move and it shocked me to the core. But I chose to be with DP and break contact with this man. DP refused to hear of me speak or talk about him anyway as he was jealous so jealous of my male friends. I hid contact with this friend last year and confided in him how badly things were with dP and he was there to listen to me. Now nack in contact again just coincidentally he emailed to see how I was doing and it all poured out.This man doesn't want anything but to be there for me always and I know in my heart he is my soulmate.I know I am having an emotional affair with this man via secret email but I know this man loves me and would treat me with the respect and love I deserve.
I know what I am doing is wrong but I can't help it/ I can't help dreaming of what I do not have.
I am feeling so low and depressed and to make matters worse DP was being nicer to me today. I am sorry for how long this is my mind is just a mess. I can't sleep or anything.