Sticky Situation

[BreakFree]

My partner and I are splitting up after 5years together. He is not the biological father of my older child but he knows no different as he was only a baby when DP came along. My other daughter is both of ours and only a toddler.
I am worried because when we split up where does it leave my son? My partner has been bitter and said that if I split with him we can't play happy families anymore and he won't be my sons father anymore. It really worries me how my son will take this if it happens and I feel like its is all my fault for ending up with such a horrible self centred ass hole in the first place. He is emotionally verbally and psychologically abusive.

He said he wouldn't act like daddy while someone else is with his missis. I wonder if he suspects anything, or is he just being his jealous self.

It's probably natural to dream about what might have been if you had chosen someone else long ago. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had carried on going out with a boy I used to know when I was very young. Or about other 'chances' I had. But if they turned up on my doorstep tommorow, I would not want to be with them, as apart from anything else I need to sort my head out first! And make sure my dcs are ok.

I think you should treat whether or not to be with this old friend as a completely seperate matter. If you leave to be with old friend, your HP will have massive sticks to beat you with after you have split.

You need to be on your own first. Not go straight to another man.

You need to heal from this abusive relationship.

You need to be independent again. Before you get together with another man. And then you need to be sure your home is in your name, not his. If you end up having a relationship with a new partner, they should have their own place, and not rush in to moving in together.

If he loves you, he will give emotional support without having to be with him in a relationship straight away.

Do you have any female RL friends you can talk to about this? You might be surprised what support you can get from people who are not much more than neighbours or mums at the school gate.

Could you 'phone women's Aid, or even shelter, or the council, to see what your rights are re housing?

And breakfree, it doesn't matter how old you are, you are still your parent's baby/ daughter (IME). Just like your dcs will always be your babies, and you want them to be happy, most parents would want to help. Can you talk to them about how to get away or get rid of you HP, about what is happening, the misery you are enduring and how trapped you are?

I do see what you mean about not talking to anyone else in case you end up letting him back in. But if you talk to others, it will give you strength not to let him back in. The women at women's Aid, I have read, will not pressure you to leave, they will give you support and information, whatever you do. They will understand the temptation to let him back. They have seen that before. But you don't want him back, you know you don't.

Breakfree - I have been in a similar situation to you regarding your dc. Take advice from someone who experienced this with the dc for many more years than you have, do something about it now, otherwise you will regret it later that you did not take action in your dc's lives and, as a mother, you will have difficulty in forgiving yourself and will torture yourself because you carried on.

You will be giving your dc (your ds especially, who you say your DH treats differently) the chance of a happy childhood.

I know what I am talking about, Breakfree. The future will not be good;your ds will have a hard time. Hopefully, you have better support than I had, including MN, and this will help you.

Breaksfree, mbs. I know that regret and torture too. Like I said before, especially about my eldest DC. Time goes by so quickly and then it is too late. Please, please do something.

As you are in knots with anxiety, how about going to your doctor about anti anxiety, anti depresent medicine. Tell the doctor as much as you can about what is causing the anxiety. Doctor will probably be able to refer you for practical help as well as medication

sorry about spelling

alb2 - what practical help do you refer to? Breakfree is, of course, in an anxious state due to her situation, and maybe, the GP will consider medication to help her at this tough time, together with counselling?; I just wondered if you knew of anything, apart from pills, which a GP would recommend in this hard situation?

Obviously - to be physically apart. But a GP won't tell you what decisions to make in your life. (I don't think?)

I know I put it badly mbs. No GP wouldn't tell you what decisions to make, but yes medication to get her through and counselling. Counsellor would not tell her what to do either, (IME) but help her to work it out herself. It depends on the GP, maybe health visitor would be better. I was given a card with a number on to phone for advice from a health proffessional, but can't remember exactly who. Or many health centres have leaflets, even in the toilets, about domestic abuse, with numbers on to ring for advice.

mbs, break free has made the decision to be physically apart and told him. He refuses to believe it, thinks it is his right to stay in the house, and continues with verbal abuse and being unfair in treatment of DS.

how are you breakfree?

Hi A1b2 Sorry I hadn't been back in.
Was ill yesterday but we were invited to this party so I felt I had to go at least for a few hours. Got there and I was just not feeling the best at all even though the evening was enjoyable at the start my ill feeling went from bad to worse.He didn't immediately want to take me home or anything or show much concern except moaned slighly that we never get out and should be staying out to make the most of it. It ended up that I got annoyed and just went quiet and sat there feeling a migraine coming on. He got annoyed then because in his words "we need a lot of fixing" and "you don't even love me anyway" etc etc. Felt like what was the point in even arguing with someone who clearly doesn't see that he is the issue here. Finally when we left I was barely able to see for the migraine and he drunkenly helped me into bed with the advice to just curl up and go to sleep. Don't know if he drank anymore after that but he came to bed 2hours later and just immediately started snoring loudly. So I was tossing and turning and feeling nauseous and eventually went back downstairs to watch some tv. It was awful. I just felt minging.Had to then get ds up to take to school. DP stayed in bed with hangover now complaining he had migraine too. I was so angry. He knew I had been genuinely ill and he had nothing but a hangover yet I was expected to cope with the kids having been up all night ill myself.
Feeling increasingly anxious but just hiding it to get through christmas all the while really wishing i was somewhere else.

oh breakfree, seems he just doesn't accept that you mean it that you are seperating. Saying you "we need a lot of fixing". IME and from what I have read, abusive men rarely if ever acknowledge that they have done anyting wrong. He probablbly thinks he is justified calling you "b" etc and other abuse. But there is no excuse. And saying "you don't even love me anyway" is an accusation I got. It is twisting things, at that time he said that I didn't love him any more, and for good reason. Wonder if that is how you feel too.

It is exhausting when you are up all night ill then have to carry on as normal, with a migraine, with dcs next day. It takes such a long time to catch up with sleep doesn't it. And all the time in pain from migraine and feeling nauseus. Best thing I find is to go to bed as soon as the dcs do.

I know you said the only place you could go is your parents, but you can't live with your parents due to distance from school and don't drive. But could you and dcs stay with them over the christmas holidays? I do understand if you feel you can't do that.

Stay strong and you know at some point you have to tell HP again you are splitting up, there is no "fixing" to do. I do understand that you don't want to argue with him about it any more.

I have to admit by the time I decided to tell Hex I wanted to seperate, he did too, (due to my many faults of course!)(plus he had s** on tap waiting in the wings). So it is harder for you than me. I still had the problem of who was going to live in the house like you do, and that he still thought I was there for his sexual "needs".

It is a shame there are not more wiser posters on here who could give you better advice.

I wish you the strength to get through this terrible time and find a way out of it.. While you are getting through the lead up to christmas, could you at least get some advice about your housing options etc, as mentioned in other posts? So at least you have a plan.

A1b2 you are so kind. Thankyou for listening to me and replying every time. Its hugely comforting to talk to someone who has "been there done that"

Hi breakfree, hope you are coping ok. Sorry not been back for a while. Advice on here is unconditional, if you find comfort and support in contact with your very old friend then that is ok. I hope you are still making plans how to seperate. Your eldest dc will have a difficult time living with this man. And as he gets older it will IME and IMO get worse. I know. And you don't want to have that regret me and mbs have.
DS is young enough for the rest of his childhood to be a lovely childhood with you. You have been strong and brave to tell HP you want to split. You have to tell him again, till he accepts it. There is no fixing to be done and IME he will probably never acknowledge his abuse. He is already saying you need a lot of fixing, and calling you b etc, like it is you that is doing wrong. But remember it is not you, it is him. Nothing you have done deserves this abuse, and nothing you have done makes HP treat your ds badly, favouring dd, etc. You have to find a way out and live your life with your dcs and make it a good life

Breakfree, I have just phoned this number for advice on abuse still happening (btw. I can assure you abuse after seperation is much easier to deal with than when you are still together). They were very helpful and also found me a local number for local support. Don't be put off by the answer message saying 'domestic violence', they are there to help with all abusive behaviour. 0808 2000 247. They could help you with support, and advice, very non judgemental and let you make own decisions, and giving you local numbers for help. I just think it will help you to get real life help as well as the support on here, and from experts. Still please keep posting to let us know how you are, even if you feel unable to take action yet.

Breakfree sorry to hear you are so unhappy and struggling.

Can I ask why, if you have decided to end the relationship, you are still sharing a bed with your P? And going to social events as a couple? Isn't that giving a very mixed message to P? Or is it because you are afraid that if you sleep elsewhere he will be angry?

Could you address this or are you worried by his reaction? Having your own space to sleep in would be a small start for you.

Wishing you well

I don't understand why this isn't posting.
I've tried to post numerous times today and my posts aren't showing. just testing

hi breakfree. How did christmas go?

Hi A1b2 Christmas was very awkward. We are sleeping in seperate rooms. He did try to see could we talk it out and sat down and asked wha t he could do to make things right with us. I said that it wasn't fixable and he got upset and said that he would do whateever it takes to change. I said I had heard it all before and he said he couldnt just leave when he still loved me so much so I said that if he loved me he wouldnt be calling me those names or being aggressive to me.My head is a mess. I knew to expect this from that book but it doesn't make it any easier. He sounds so believable but I've been here before and it changes for a while and then back to the same again. He said he didn't try hard enough the last time and said all this stuff about being in denial about his anger and disrespect towards me. My head is just so messed up right now .