I have demeaned and humiliated myself.

[tametiger]

I posted on here back in the spring, after a horrible and complicated break-up with my exH. Very long story, but I have have suffered a great deal and am having psychotherapy to help me come to terms with the whole mess.
I am slowly feeling (a bit) better and have come to see that I was subjected to years of emotional and verbal abuse by this man, I just didn't see it for what it was.
The thing is, during all the years I was addicted to him I repeatedly demeaned myself by being the one to go back and beg forgiveness, by tolerating his moods and vile behaviour and having zero self-respect.
After one episode he did say to me that as I was always keen to soak up all the blame he was happy to let me and that I 'kept turning up like a little stray dog' and that I was 'a loony'.
Just writing that makes me feel dreadful.
I am coming to understand the awful sado-masochistic nature of our relationship but I am finding it very hard to forgive myself for being such a pathetic and willing victim.
Finding it difficult to stop torturing myself with thoughts of all the times I was so weak and needy.
Thanks for listening.

Has your therapist spoke to you about Stockholme sydrome ?

Dignified - we have talked about the dynamics of the relationship and I can see how it all developed. I do understand the theory of Stockholm Syndrome and I can see the similarity.

Nearly everyone who has left an abusive relationship struggles with feelings similar to yours , myself included.

I think as we gain more understanding it becomes easier to let it go. We would not speak so harshly to a freind , yet we speak like this to ourselves.

Try to change the inner critic and instead say the things you would say to someone else , write it down , as daft as it sounds it does help . You wouldnt say those things to me , nor i you .

I feel like this all the time about my ex relationship. In fact I could have written your post today as I'm feeling especially angry with him and disgusted at myself lately.

Don't know what to suggest as to how to not feel this way, except to say that it sounds like you're making brilliant progress and good steps in the right direction. Remember, it was always his defective personality and his problem, never your fault.

Good luck OP.

God yes, I felt like that too, but oh boy, it can make you so,so strong and determined. I don't let anyone mess me around now.....and I look back and think 'ugh'...... It's 6 years on tho, and it fades with time.

TT, I remember you (if not the exact details)

You have said enough in your short Op though for me to think that you should forgive yourself.

We have all done things we are ashamed of. If I told you the way I demeaned myself in my first serious relationship, it would make your toes curl.

I sometimes want to take that person and shake the stupidity out of her, but I try to think that my experiences have made me a different person to the one I was back then IYSWIM.

You loved him. He abused that love. He was very clever and manipulative and you were desperate to hold onto the relationship. I know how that feels. You should not be ashamed but learn from it

Twenty-odd years on...I can still physically cringe if I have a flashback to a particular scenario

Dittany - my dad was bad tempered and intolerant and we all tip-toed around his moods.
I then married a man (my first marriage) who turned into a bully who physically attacked me. It took me 9 years to summon the courage to get out of than one.
Second marriage (to the ex in my original post) who I thought was the love of my life and I thought I'd put the past behind me.
Feel as though I've been blind and naive.
Thanks everyone for all your supportive words.

OP my dreadfully abusive husband died, and I realised a long time before that, that the abuse was not about me it was about him. Now hes gone I sometimes wonder WHY did I not stand up to him but deep down I know he scared me on many levels, even subconciously. I'm just relieved I'm out of it now

tt, can I ask how you and your ex came to split up finally?

First boyfriend, together 14 - 18yrs, beat me up three times.

Second boyfriend (7yrs long) was lovely.

Third svengali was a bastard of the highest order who dumped me when I was pregnant. I had a termination which screwed me up for years.

Fourth boyfriend was a complete mysogynist whom I left in the middle of the night. With nothing. Leaving myself homeless.

Fifth boyfriend shagged around for England and I was the last to find out.

Sixth boyfriend I married. He fucked off after five years leaving me with a baby and no money.

I don't have boyfriends/partners/anyone to fuck my life over anymore but I do have a beautiful son!

Four years ago I realised my parents had abused me. Continuously. In many mind-bending ways. They set me up for life to be an easy target for those 'boyfriends' outlined above.

I no longer have any contact with my family.

It has taken me a long time to forgive myself for being such an apparent raving idiot and for many years I thought I might be seriously loopy and quite clearly unloveable.

Bollox.

I am now happy. Strong. Single. Loving life.
I have many wonderful friends, I love my own company. My son is a gorgeous boy and a delight to everyone who knows him. I am a good mother. I have come through unbelieveable shit.

And you can and must too. Cut yourself some slack girl!!
You can translate 'weak and needy' as 'loving, emotional, a deep person with strong feelings, a giving person' and 'begging forgiveness' as 'knowing my own faults and apologising for them and therefore not being an emotional abuser...like your exH'

Thanks god your exH is gone. You can slowly reclaim the real you again. Avoid relationships for a while. Be strong. Be bloody. You will get there. Love yourself. All else will follow.

hugs

dittany says 'You were brought up in a family where you had to appease an angry bullying man'

spot on

apple fantastic post

Applebaum.I love your penultimate para.

Apple - hugs to you. A long learning curve but you've got there. 'Be bloody', I like that.
Merry - I realise now that I too was actually frightened of him - not physically but because there was always the threat that he could leave me at any moment and without a backward glance.
Garden - I eventually left him because I couldn't stand him being horrible to our son (we adopted him aged two). DS became the scapegoat for H's frustration after his business failures. I maintained contact because I thought it was best for DS. I never really stopped loving him I suppose but I let him too close and got hurt again.

Only just worked out how to do this

Back story here if anyone interested

Having just read the thread you linked to, I can see that you have come a very long way since the spring.

Well done. Really well done.
Oh, and I am that you live in rural suffolk. It's so beautiful.

What an utter, utter, Head of the Shitbank your ex is.

I did that, too, TT - with the two bad marriages. The first one was physically violent like daddy so I thought the second was a nice, normal man. He wasn't, he just used emotional violence instead of his fists. It takes a while for these lessons to sink in - and, ime, Mumsnet is an incredibly powerful learning resource!

I still, too often, find myself wondering if my Xs behaved the same way to their next wives ... or did I really 'make' them do it?? But. Of. Course. I didn't bloody make them! They did it to me and are probably doing it to someone else now. No-one else finds me so annoying they "have to" abuse me!!

Just remind yourself. You're recovering, you're learning, and you've already got a huge amount to be proud of :) You're getting your freedom, possibly for the first time ever. Well done, you - you're great!

Wonderful, inspiring advice on here, as usual.
I too have been buoyed up by all the support on MNers. TBH, I sometimes think I could have saved a large small fortune on therapy by posting it all on MN.
Apple - ever thought of setting yourself up as an inspirational life-coach?

IfGrace - if it helps, I became friends with my ex's first ex (too late, I know). Her experience of being married to him was just as bad. Sher went on to train as a social rorker and now accurately defines our mutual ex as 'seductive and sadistic.' Makes me shudder now.
Of course we didn't make them do it.

She went...
social worker...