I have demeaned and humiliated myself.

[tametiger]

I posted on here back in the spring, after a horrible and complicated break-up with my exH. Very long story, but I have have suffered a great deal and am having psychotherapy to help me come to terms with the whole mess.
I am slowly feeling (a bit) better and have come to see that I was subjected to years of emotional and verbal abuse by this man, I just didn't see it for what it was.
The thing is, during all the years I was addicted to him I repeatedly demeaned myself by being the one to go back and beg forgiveness, by tolerating his moods and vile behaviour and having zero self-respect.
After one episode he did say to me that as I was always keen to soak up all the blame he was happy to let me and that I 'kept turning up like a little stray dog' and that I was 'a loony'.
Just writing that makes me feel dreadful.
I am coming to understand the awful sado-masochistic nature of our relationship but I am finding it very hard to forgive myself for being such a pathetic and willing victim.
Finding it difficult to stop torturing myself with thoughts of all the times I was so weak and needy.
Thanks for listening.

good posts dittany

tiger there is no need to blame yourself for your past.

You have been sucked into abusive relationships and are now free. It is enough that you suffered these relationships in the past, there is no need to do further penance by beating yourself up about it now that these relationships are over - to do so doesn't help anybody at all.

You are a product of your own upbringing and if your parents had done a better job it is unlikely you would have become stuck in abusive relationships. The blame game - blaming yourself or others for the past - just gets in the way of moving forward in a positive way. Dump those thoughts and be kind to yourself - you truly deserve kindness. Give yourself some recovery space and time to adjust as you have been traumatised by your experiences. You have reacted to your circumstances as any normal human being would and you are not weird for how you behaved whilst in an abusive relationship.

Your psycho therapist should help you to move through this stage in your recovery and if not then please change therapist.

anothermum says 'you are moving on and learning from the past'

It is a very simple sentence but loaded with truth.

That is what Being Alive is all about. For many abused children (who go on to be abused women) life seems to be lurching from one crisis to another.

But actually, it is about learning from the past. That's the way to view it when you are starting to recover and get your own (stolen) soul back.

not much to add in the way of advice but all of the abuse i had in my past centred around making me feel that i was the defective one and it/everything was my fault. it is not surprising that this kind of thinking then continues in the absence of the abuser.

i'm glad that you're getting help with this. bear in mind that feeling shame and guilt etc are things put upon us by abuse and are a part of what dictates our quality of life later. i think actually they may be the very things that make us likely targets for later abuse - because we're programmed to feel ashamed and guilty already and those are the kind of qualities that abusers can exploit.

deal with it now so that it doesn't carry forward. i will too.

Think I will change my name to FerociousFearlessFabulousTiger.

Yes, please do that tiger! You aren't to blame for having been programmed in the past, you made your escape and you are now free of that behaviour. Enjoy it! You can't change the past, but you can control the future. Well done you.

You are all amazing!! TT keep strong, you're clearly doing brilliantly - never forget that :) I too have recently escaped from a nasty man and although it's hard with small children, I have peace of mind - fabulous. Loads of hugs to you all xxxx

I'm currently mentally kicking myself for putting up with all the crap that I have put up with. It makes me feel such a ffing idiot.

BUT

I know now that what he did was insane, and anytime I sit there and think, oh if he only showed an interest in our family, it'd be OK. I stop myself and remind myself that I have papered over far too much for the entire relationship, because I was scared of not being in a relationship.

Now I am older, I know that it is truly better to be alone than to be in any relationship.

Tiger you were not to blame, no-one made him treat you so abysmally. Your esteem and self worth was broken down to ensure that you clung to him.

Joke is, we women, the victims are the ones with less natural insecurity. They had to grind us down to get us to where they wanted us, to be on their level. But, like water, we will find our level once again.

Look forward, look to the future.

Has anyone been disposed of by an abusive ex?

Don't be embarrassed. You did what you were brought up to do, but now your natural good sense has broken through and the bastards will never be able to grind you down to the same extent again.

gardenglory, no, I doubt that happens, they are more addicted to their victim than they let on. They spend all that energy drumming into the victim that they are shit, worthless and lucky to have them, because that's all they have to use to try and keep someone.

Once you realise that, once you realise that actually they are insecure and scared of losing you, terrified you will leave, and they have to beat you down emotionally to ensure you don't, they effectively lose all their power.

Oh dear. I think I am going to be unique then.

really? that does surprise me? Unless you started showing signs of breaking free or he found another victim?

But at least you are out of there!

What is the relevance of showing signs of breaking free?

Hi there, I am in what I would term an emotionally abusive relationship, long term sulking, shouting down, not allowed to express any emotions or be called a loony or pathetic or needy, however I have become stronger in myself through going to college, making a huge support network for myself and standing up to him more and for this reason it is he the dysfunctional one who is finding it or me no longer acceptable ! so this is an occasion gardenglory when it can happen when they feel they are losing the power, your H may be picking up on your questioning of the status quo

And set a world record for being told it so many times.

That you will be dumped, I mean.

I think you can safely assume that it is his insecurity of being dumped which makes him use it as a threat for you, to try and increase your anxiety. This is a weak man and you are a strong woman who is on the start of a journey to finding the self esteem and confidence that you have within you.

This is not the past tense, btw.

Gardenglory, I got dumped, too (by #2). The crappier he became, the harder I clung. He divorced me for emotional abuse, and he wasn't wrong ... I'm sure he'd have kept me on if I hadn't complained so much! There was a little survivor in there, struggling to get out

God, I'm glad he left me. I might still be chirruping - tensely - "Oh, I never know where H is! He's his own man, haha, I just get on with things ..." etc. And my internal injuries would be worse than they are

Just seen your last :(
Keep posting.

I think the warning signs are always there but we are not in a place to recognise them or we need something from them at the time which blinkers us to the reality ! I remember early on in our relationship I frequently would beg him to make up before bedtime as I hated going to bed on an argument, I literally would lie there crying and he would coldly turn his back on me and say I was pathetic.... :( Id never expereince that before in my previous long term relationship I knew it was odd but I got used to it then you start to adapt and compromise and before you know it youre a raving mess ! its taken me years to slowly pull myself away tho I am still married and in the same home it is me now who is detached and I want a divorce... sad for my dd tho who loves him

Now i have cold feet about instigating the divorce, scared of change, scared of finances ! the unknown ! missing my dd on his days etc .... but I know it has to be done

It does make you feel really pathetic. But apparently, I'm now waiting for the start of the final finale, again.