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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I have demeaned and humiliated myself.

85 replies

tametiger · 22/11/2010 16:26

I posted on here back in the spring, after a horrible and complicated break-up with my exH. Very long story, but I have have suffered a great deal and am having psychotherapy to help me come to terms with the whole mess.
I am slowly feeling (a bit) better and have come to see that I was subjected to years of emotional and verbal abuse by this man, I just didn't see it for what it was.
The thing is, during all the years I was addicted to him I repeatedly demeaned myself by being the one to go back and beg forgiveness, by tolerating his moods and vile behaviour and having zero self-respect.
After one episode he did say to me that as I was always keen to soak up all the blame he was happy to let me and that I 'kept turning up like a little stray dog' and that I was 'a loony'.
Just writing that makes me feel dreadful.
I am coming to understand the awful sado-masochistic nature of our relationship but I am finding it very hard to forgive myself for being such a pathetic and willing victim.
Finding it difficult to stop torturing myself with thoughts of all the times I was so weak and needy.
Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 22/11/2010 23:39

you are welcome!

hugs to you, thinking of you tomorrow!

hugs to GG and to our Fearless Tiger

Hugs to all that have had to put up with this crap.

gardenglory · 22/11/2010 23:46

Lmhf-hasn't said he'd leave.won't.grey comment-plenty opportunity I am older.

gardenglory · 22/11/2010 23:50

Sadly, zero friends in my case.Off to bed now.thanks lmhf.check back tomorrow.

gardenglory · 22/11/2010 23:50

And to grace.

IfGraceAsks · 22/11/2010 23:52

I wish I'd been leaning on your window sill when you told him that, LMHF Grin

I'm thrilled to hear you're heading out the door, breakfastfairy, well done!

While I was still buggering about with horrible men, I didn't know about projection - but I worked it out during a row with #2: "You're not talking about me, you're describing YOURSELF!" I think that was the night I [a] realised he was actually mad in the head, and [b] decided the next time he left, he could stay gone.

I wish it had all worked out as cut and dried as that. It didn't because - well, it wouldn't, would it?! It's still very good advice to listen to the next rant, turning all the "you"s into "I"s. Recognise anybody? Wink

Thanks for your kind words, LMHF. It helps a lot. x

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/11/2010 00:04

GG, been there with the no friends. Thousands of miles away from home, no communication with the outside world too.

What is stopping you from making some?

GG, what are you getting out of this relationship?

Grace, the projection? YES, you are so right!

I spent 8m on my own with DS here in the UK after the 3yrs of practical isolation in the open insane asylum that is Egypt. During all this time there and here, I had little else to do than try and make sense of my world.

The 8m back here, I battled agoraphobia, rented myself a house, bought a car, got DS into nursery, applied for school and tried to slot into life. It was hard, it still is. I still hate going out, I still don't look men in the eye. Argh it's shit.

When HH came over a couple of days before christmas and in the car from the airport started telling me off for finding someone's handbag and deciding to post it to her, cos he said she wouldn't bother if it were mine.
I wobbled, i almost fell in with his thinking.

But then realised that he was being mean, and if I lost my bag, however cheap, if it turned up in the post, I'd think the world was not such a horrible place after all.

He really IS a despicable person. I like being kind, I like to help, it makes me happy to see people happy.

I have long thought he is only happy when others are sad. What a shitty way to live!

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/11/2010 00:06

off now.. good night to you all, see you tomorrow probably!

tametiger · 23/11/2010 09:43

So many sad stories here yet so much courage and determination.
I believe breaking up with my ex was the hardest and most painful experience of my whole life (and I've had a few). I am not young any more, not stupid, not undeucated but shocked at how I've managed to stay so blind for so long.
Lots of love and good vibes to everyone out there struggling with vile, abusive, bastards disguised as dads, husbands or partners. If I can get free anyone can.
Am signing off now to practice Ferocious Tiger roar and bite off a few heads.
Bless XXX

OP posts:
tametiger · 23/11/2010 09:43

...uneducated...Blush

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 23/11/2010 10:02

Had XH make some comment about my hair once, I shot back "At least I've GOT hair!"

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