I have demeaned and humiliated myself.

[tametiger]

I posted on here back in the spring, after a horrible and complicated break-up with my exH. Very long story, but I have have suffered a great deal and am having psychotherapy to help me come to terms with the whole mess.
I am slowly feeling (a bit) better and have come to see that I was subjected to years of emotional and verbal abuse by this man, I just didn't see it for what it was.
The thing is, during all the years I was addicted to him I repeatedly demeaned myself by being the one to go back and beg forgiveness, by tolerating his moods and vile behaviour and having zero self-respect.
After one episode he did say to me that as I was always keen to soak up all the blame he was happy to let me and that I 'kept turning up like a little stray dog' and that I was 'a loony'.
Just writing that makes me feel dreadful.
I am coming to understand the awful sado-masochistic nature of our relationship but I am finding it very hard to forgive myself for being such a pathetic and willing victim.
Finding it difficult to stop torturing myself with thoughts of all the times I was so weak and needy.
Thanks for listening.

you start to adapt and compromise and before you know it youre a raving mess - you got it exactly right, breakfastfairy. How old is DD? Remember, all young children love their parents. They're hard-wired to, and don't have any knowledge to benchmark their parents with. In fact, that's how parents like mine manage to 'programme' their kids so effectively.

Far better that she grows up with a healthy 1-parent family model, than a sick 2-parent one imo & ime.

Keep getting stronger :)

Oh gardenglory, I'm sorry love, I didn't realise you were still in the midst of it all.

What breakfastfairy said. he hasn't actually dumped you though has he?

He can't. See that light? it's a chink in the armour...

You want to scare the shit out of him? as long as he is not violent, call his bluff, tell him you know he's right, you are a lost cause and he would be better off without you.

i recall a time when 'H' left in the middle of the night, because I had spoken to someone I was told not to speak to.

I let him go.

he came back with his tail between his legs and really freaked by it all. I stupidly took this to be an action of one who truly loved me, but didn't know how to show it and told him I'd never give up on him no matter what happened.

yeah I know, you can all slap me now...

Turned out there was no power on at his flat, no heat and it was middle of winter...

I should have double locked the frigging door shouldn't I?

See, flipping easy for us to beat ourselves up...

Right, enough of that.

I know now that it was wrong and it's why I'm taking the decisions I take now. Without the past I would not truly appreciate the wonderful friends I have in my life.

One foot in front of the other.

I will not be demeaned by myself or by others today.

GG, when mine left I was a blubbering mess on the floor ... but I clearly 'heard' a calm voice in the back of my head, saying "At last, the final rejection. Good!"

Later, he expected me to grovel more but, even though I was still in pieces, I pushed him to divorce me. It'd make a good comedy - if I hadn't been such a wreck.

Yes. Never any making up before bedtime.
Breakfastfairy - it is great that you are taking some control.

IfGA - trying to think that.

GG, you can get through this, the other side is serene, peaceful. There is no broken glass to walk on.

It'll be OK. Let it all go.

Been here many times though.

I will not be demeaned by myself or by others today.

That's going on my stairs wall :)

Humiliated. Is there a prize for it?

I will need it put on the fridge, the toilet door, the bathroom door, the back door. But then, he will see it!

Fuck it. Let him!

I borrowed it from the Brave Battling Babes Bus...

Being stuck in an abusive relationship is the exact same thing as being addicted to alcohol.

To rid ourselves of these life threatening afflictions we need will power, strength and to remind ourselves that we are worth the fight.

Whatever it takes.

Grace, you are so strong, so awesome, you don't deserve to be in anything less than a loving appreciative relationship. Thank GOD you complained! Thank GOD he left. You are stronger for it!

GG, what is it going to take for you to break the cycle? if this guy threatens to leave, don't panic, let him go.

I know I am a fine one to talk. H is still in the building, but he is powerless and he knows it. I won't let him even look at me in a funny way. I know he is not strong enough to keep me down, I know what he is and it's been devastating for him. Now that I see though him, he has nothing.

That said, he stalked off the other night after a row, and my stomach still twinged. I had to tell myself not to care, tell myself to get used to it.

5 mins after he had gone, I was pleased he was out of the house.

GG, tell yourself whatever it takes for you to regain your sense of self. You know what is going on is wrong, so stand up for yourself TO YOURSELF if nothing else, and speak the truth to yourself.

You have been fed this crap for ages, now is the time to stick to the truth. Sure it hurts, yes we beat ourselves up, but recognise what we are doing, be conscious of it and make sure it's kept manageable. Learn from it, don't allow it to swamp or over power you.

One day this relationship will go (mine) and one day may be so will yours. We will then both be free to breathe air that is untainted with insecurity, fear and control.

Don't be frightened. That's what he's banking on. That's his only weapon, your own fear.

LOL, in Egypt I used to arrange the fridge letters to say

We are a team, Play NICE.

Didn't work. Nice is not allowed when it comes to the male/female dynamic. It's unmanly apparently.

DD is 7, HH (horrible husband) takes her out on Sundays (I know its like weve already split |) so shes used to that, he spends a fortune on her of course and she is loving that ! I meanwhile have to do all the discipline and caring (mind you I dont mind that ) We are almost separated in the same house ! however it is not good her seeing two adults never talking and the seething contempt in the house so it is down to me to actually push things forward. I have no income though I am keen to work part time school hours. dont know how it will work out with finances but cant keep hanging on another month just to get the next months housekeeping ! We havent actually had THE conversation, he wont talk and if I ever do talk to him about us he says things like shut up or shut the f.. up ! or what are you wittering on about now !!! nice eh

I think Ive worked out over the last ten years .. he doesnt actually like women !! says things like women arent funny ! wont watch female comics, all red heads are loonies, most women are ... on the edge.. he just can tell ?! and if I ask him to do things he says.. youre not my mother.. weird.. he lived at home until he was 32 and moved straight into my home

I don't understand why you aren't in a womens refuge brekfastfairy. What is so impossible about leaving him right now that you have to inflict all this on your daughter?

You don't have to be there. Why are you still there?

HH! love it!!

ha ha ha!

My HH won't do anything with DS, it's not his job apparently. oh he cuddles and kisses, but that, dear reader is IT! Plus he spouted a sack of shite to my dear friends about me, so bizarre I honestly didn't recognise him.

So I told him he would never get to take DS out again without me that his passport is in a safe place and that the passport office have been warned.

oh breakfast, that sounds awful. This too shall pass. I wish you all the luck in the world to get some work and some independence.

TBH I doubt your HH will ever have the talk.

Why don't you go to the CAB and find out what help you can get with benefits etc, and get divorce papers drawn up and serve them on him.

You are sitting there waiting for him to give you permission to discuss your life?

Not any more you are not! hug

well. that is exactly what I am doing tomorrow have third appt with my solicitor so that I can move forward... any time before this I would not have been in an emotionallyt strong enough place.. it can take time and noone else can do it for you..Also you almost feel guilty for allowing this to happen to you ! there is always a feeling that if you were better stonger more capable, he thinks I should be out earning in a high powered job ! then it wouldnt of happened.. that is sometimes the fleeting thoughts you get

What? HUGE HUG! well done breakfastfairy!
You go girl!!

Guilty? I know, I know! Ignore, ignore ignore.

Everything that comes out of their mouths is designed to hurt, maim and disfigure.

But we don't have to let it. Challenge everything HH says with a huge pair of BOLLOCKS, and a super-sized side order of Scepticism. Basically, whatever he says, translate it to the pole opposite in your head.

You are on a path, his comments won't divert you.

These for me were turning points.. may seems trivial for some but for me the sheer spite made me turn for good.. on holiday last summer me and daughter just to go to pool I ask do I look ok in this bikini (bearing in mind mid forties) he grunts ignores me I ask again and he says nastily.. you look like any other middle aged woman ! .. then when I had my hair up I asked if he liked it and he said.. nastily.. you know I dont like the colour of your hair (highlighted recentely... a sign of rebellion apparently !.. next.. laughing at the top of my head whilst in male company.. I ask what ? is there a spider on my hear.. he replices.. no didnt realise how grey youd got .. get my point.. down right nasty... and weak weak weak

One day you will be back in a high powered job, IF YOU WANT TO BE!

He will still be a weak, powerless little prick who gets off on trying to erode your self esteem to make himself look good.

Sad bastard, it's the ONLY way he can look better.

As I told HH the other day, for him to make me look bad to people that know me, he has to lie, crazy stupid lies.

For me to make him look bad, all I need do is tell the TRUTH.

Funny, he had no reply..

Grr, if you don't go to the Solicitor tomorrow, I'll come round and drag you there myself!

I had the grey comment too! The day before I turned 40... nice.

Stop courting his opinion, that is another power mechanism. you don't care what he thinks, cos he is full of it anyway. WTF does HE know?

Ilike it LMHF ! Thanks for all your help.. and big hugs to all gardenglory x x Im off to sleep now.. need to keep a clear head.. updates tomorrow....

People that know me tell me lovely things about me. I have some great friends, not many, but growing and quality over quantity..

People that don't know me so well, ask me out, have a laugh in my company, email me and thank me for help, advice etc.

HE is the only one saying I'm crap, so in the balance of probability, I can discount what he says as being outside of the majority, surely.

Works for me. It's hard, need to constantly tell myself it over and over, but it gets easier day by day.

I don't care what he thinks of me. He is not a friend.