burying my head in the sand

[ostracized]

Hi, have namechanged for this - don't even know if I have spelt "ostracized" right. Basically, dh and I had an argument almost three weeks ago and he has hardly spoken to me since. He has done this kind of thing before - namely once for 5 weeks two years ago. Then I was desperate for the sulking to stop and eventually got him out of it by "approaching him" in bed. This time however we are a lot more distant and angry with each other and don't sleep in the same bed. I am too pissed off with his general behaviour with me during normal times to approach him physically. This behaviour is fairly companionable but distant during the week and very critical and complaining at the weekends. To the point that I withdraw and become a shadow of my "during the week" self.

During this most recent bout of sulking I have been thinking why on earth should I force someone to talk to me who obviously doesn't want to, though the whole situation does make me sad. Plus we went to see his family this weekend and the sulking didn't stop him saying several critical lecturing things and being generally rude a few times. I was also called "pathetic" on friday. So it seems he can stop talking to me but also "interact" if he needs to .

What worries me this time is that I fear that unless I make some move towards him, he will never talk to me properly again. He has a tendency to do this - he hasn't talked to my sister properly since they had an argument a year and a half ago and doesn't talk to two of his own sisters at all.

I clearly need to say to him that we need to go to counselling. If it was just us I could move on but we have kids. BUT I am scared of suggesting anything for fear of being shouted down. I don't feel I have the strength to deal with how upset I become if he starts being horrible.

Not saying I haven't contributed to the "relationship" being in the sorry state it is, but he is the one who is uncompromising, bossy, critical and complaining.

I clearly have to do something about this but there NEVER seems to be a good time. Dh CONSTANTLY on laptop working and he doesn't seem to care that things are crap between us.
There are lots of things I don't like about him at the moment and he probably feels my dislike, but I am not the one who is so difficult. I am far more laid-back and far less critical. Plus I would love to be able to talk about our non relationship, but he dictates what we can and can't talk about.

I guess because I am very soft hearted myself. I don't like to see any human being going through pain even though he has inflicted so much on me emotionally and psychologically.
Also for the same reasons as a1b2

I don't think I have seen my DH ever in pain.

He seems to be able to switch people off (out of sight out of mind), and if he ever got hurt (which I find hard to even think of an example), any feelings would disappear almost immediately.

Just thought, even if you can acknowledge things you could have done better or different, it still doesn't excuse his abusive behaviour.

breakfree I hesitate to say this with all the stuff in the media about people who claim benefits. But have you looked into what benefits you could claim if you left or got him to leave? (child tax credits, housing benefit for somewhere to live if it is too difficult to get him to leave because he feels entitled to the house (he isn't, by the way)and other benefits). They are a safety net which amongst other things, help enable women escape from the misery caused by pschologically, emotionally, (maybe financialy, maybe sexually), abusive partners. It doesn't have to be for ever, and no one need know. And you can still claim if you are working, but don't earn enough to live on.

What is it with these women who judge, as far as I'm concerned, if someone is completeley ignoring you, then you'll try anything to get their attention, including the "approaching in bed". Speaking from my own point of view, most mothers with young children don't want conflict as they know that this affects their kids, and so does separation (speaking as someone from a one parent family, whose mum was always working and trying to make ends meet)so, one step at a time girls. I also have a relationship with ups and downs and I have one golden rule of thumb (which I try my best to stick to), is get the kids out of the way and then invoke a really big barney. It's amazing how you feel afterwards - get it off yer chest, say exactly how you feel inside, shout at the top of your voice and make yourself be heard. If I've got a problem with my DH, I ask him calmly when the kids are around for a "meeting", I put the kids in after school or whatever, and then I give it to him straight. he hears and he reacts, sometimes shouting and geting annoyed - but in the end we usually reach a middle ground. My fella can be a selfish, thoughtless arsehole - but I can be a manipulative, selfish arsehole - we're human. So, my advice to you is 1) schedule a "meeting" and give him it with both barrels when the kids are at school. (schedule it for the morning when you've possibly got a few hours), ring work sick - you have to find time for this because if you don't , separation will cause a lot more upheaval.