burying my head in the sand

[ostracized]

Hi, have namechanged for this - don't even know if I have spelt "ostracized" right. Basically, dh and I had an argument almost three weeks ago and he has hardly spoken to me since. He has done this kind of thing before - namely once for 5 weeks two years ago. Then I was desperate for the sulking to stop and eventually got him out of it by "approaching him" in bed. This time however we are a lot more distant and angry with each other and don't sleep in the same bed. I am too pissed off with his general behaviour with me during normal times to approach him physically. This behaviour is fairly companionable but distant during the week and very critical and complaining at the weekends. To the point that I withdraw and become a shadow of my "during the week" self.

During this most recent bout of sulking I have been thinking why on earth should I force someone to talk to me who obviously doesn't want to, though the whole situation does make me sad. Plus we went to see his family this weekend and the sulking didn't stop him saying several critical lecturing things and being generally rude a few times. I was also called "pathetic" on friday. So it seems he can stop talking to me but also "interact" if he needs to .

What worries me this time is that I fear that unless I make some move towards him, he will never talk to me properly again. He has a tendency to do this - he hasn't talked to my sister properly since they had an argument a year and a half ago and doesn't talk to two of his own sisters at all.

I clearly need to say to him that we need to go to counselling. If it was just us I could move on but we have kids. BUT I am scared of suggesting anything for fear of being shouted down. I don't feel I have the strength to deal with how upset I become if he starts being horrible.

Not saying I haven't contributed to the "relationship" being in the sorry state it is, but he is the one who is uncompromising, bossy, critical and complaining.

I clearly have to do something about this but there NEVER seems to be a good time. Dh CONSTANTLY on laptop working and he doesn't seem to care that things are crap between us.
There are lots of things I don't like about him at the moment and he probably feels my dislike, but I am not the one who is so difficult. I am far more laid-back and far less critical. Plus I would love to be able to talk about our non relationship, but he dictates what we can and can't talk about.

I think I hit the jackpot with this behaviour.

I would ask what you are getting out of this relationship now.

What you are both teaching the children about relationships here are damaging lessons which they could impart to their own children so the dysfunctional cycle continues. These children are picking up on all this crap their parents are doing to each other. His private war against you is also affecting his children.

He would never agree to counselling and you yourself write he is countemptuous of it. If you have counselling you'd be far better doing that on your own.

He won't change (I would say he is emotionally abusive) and no amount of talking or letter writing to him will help; you can only change how you react to him. You cannot fix a relationship on your own. He is patently not interested in you and this relationship. He has you dancing to his tune.

this is controlling behavior and you state in your first post how it controls you - you becoem a shadow of your former self. He makes you do this.

So stop letting him control you and in doing that you stop him controling your behaviour

You carry on as normal without him, explain that you are not going to let him control you by his sulking and if he wants to be part of spouse life let alone family life then he needs to buk his ideas up and get real without sulking and get on with life going out meeting friends and looking after dc. Don't play his game and let him control you get on with your own life and if that ultimatly means in your own space without him then so be it

I'm not sure why you'd want to talk to him TBH - he sounds horrid.

malinkey because otherwise OP is living in a state of perpetual limbo and misery. Unless you are prepared to either 1) leave without any attempt at resolution 2) accept that you have reached an impasse in your life but fail to care, you have no choice but to talk - if only to confirm he is a selfish twunt, and allow you to think about your next steps.

Don't worry, won't be approaching him in bed as present climate is far too antagonistic to even sleep on the same mattress. Agree about not dancing to his tune and most of the time during the week I am okay doing that as have other people to see and things to do, but find it harder at weekends when he is being nice to kids but not to me. Again, not saying I haven't done things to damage "relationship" but I really dislike how emotionally unavailable he is. Letter idea good but would have to pick a really good time to give it to him. Issues seem so explosive that even though we are sitting in the same room at the moment, there is no way that I would broach them. Agree about kids having "bad" behaviour modelled for them and would like to change for them as well as for me. One of his sisters didn't speak to her husband for several years but for some reason they carried on living together. Now that all their kids have left home she seems to magically be talking to him again. He however looks grey and worn down and I don't want to become that just because the person I am with comes from a family where they have unhealthy ways of dealing with their emotions. A lot of this comes from their dad I think who was an unpleasant alcoholic who left the family home when my dh was 15.

It's true sj, at some point there will have to be some kind of conversation, but yes malinkey, I don't exactly feel like having it!!!

Know it well. Being nicey and talking to the children - but not to you.

So effective at emphasising is silent treatment to you. Very effective.

His silent treatment towards you.

How long have you been married?

And you find it hard to talk to him.

Hi Ostra, you have all my sympathy, I put up with this for over 30 years from my dm. It's horrible. My df and I used to tiptoe round wondering what the hell we were supposed to have done, and I can remember being really frightened.

I can remember meals when if she wanted salt or pepper or something else on the table she would ask for it coldly without looking at either of us. I can remember telling my dm how awful it was, and as she said with a smile, "Yes, I know I'm doing it". It sends shivers!

Have you considered going to counselling on your own? It would give you a space to sort out your feelings, and might give you some strategies to deal with it, as well as improve your self-confidence.

I was wondering if he did it before you were married. If he didn't, it shows that he doesn't have to, ie it is something he can 'not do' and therefore it's something he chooses to do.

Unless, he changes, which given the fact that it seems to be a family trait, I would think is unlikely, you will have to find a way of dealing with it that doesn't leave you feeling worse. Do you work? or do you have your own social life? It might be worth going out with friends if you can, so that you don't feel permantly sent to Coventry.

I really do feel for you, but sadly don't think that there is a way forward for you unless he is prepared to change.

ostracized - what are the things that you have done to "damage the relationship"? Are they as reprehensible as refusing to talk to your partner, name calling, verbal abuse or general controlling and bullying behaviour?

There is nothing you can do to change his behaviour. But I was serious before when I asked why you wanted to talk to him. What do you get out of being in a relationship with this man? Are you always tiptoeing round him in fear of setting off one of his punishments? Sounds like he's got you scared of talking to him. And as someone wiser than me said on another thread 'Punishment has no place in a relationship'.

I have been in a similar relationship to this - my soon to be exH has serious sulking issues - he didn't speak to his brother for over a year and would have done the same to his mother if she hadn't bent over backwards to make amends - neither of them did anything to deserve this treatment - it's all to do with him.

And, also, is he allowed to get angry/upset but if you do, then you are being unreasonable?

gardenglory do you live with a sulker as well? We've been together for almost 15 years and married for 9.
tb, I'm sorry to hear about your mother, that sounds really really hard, especially for a child to have to deal with
yes I think dh has always had a tendency to sulk but to be fair he has actually done it less in recent years than he used to, last time I really remember it happening was the two year ago 5 week terrible episode
counselling is a good idea for me but sometimes I don't see where I would fit it in and I also slightly resent the fact that I should go (which I agree that I should) because someone else is difficult
I don't work but I do a bit of voluntary work. I have friends who I see and weeks are okay. It is just sad that the "core" of my life is so relatively dysfunctional. It is not only his sulking which I mind but how critical he can be often at the weekends. He has become very negative and kind of cynical over the years and any comment from him about something which is not "right" sends my mood into an instant downward spiral

So, he is knowlingly doing this behaviour which causes you distress. Nice.

The good thing is the damage his behaviour causes you will be less, hopefully, as you have outside interaction/friends.

Unfortunatey, my experience has been to have this behaviour and, if I am honest, I have no friends. So, you see, this behaviour, isolated me further and further.

malinkey and gardenglory, missed your posts
the things I have done to damage us are kind of passive aggressive, being messy is one of them (very messy at times) but no in general I am not a bully, I am far more laid back than dh
I tiptoe round dh at weekends and during the week I just wish we were closer, ie. that he sometimes said something nice about me, but also to be fair I am not always nice to him and he can sense, I think, how much he annoys me
it's totally true that punishment has no place in a relationship and when I read the threads where people talk about how much they like their partners I am always impressed by those people who say that there partner has never got angry with them or been aggressive or called them names
I think I would want to talk to dh just to sort out lots of our issues, but he clearly does not feel the need to talk, he would just like the house to be a lot tidier
not sure what I get out of being together with him at the moment other than of course we have a family together (major major thing) and a warm comfortable roof over my head - i think it's very hard when you have children to see the wood from the trees but I do think it's very important to still be very good friends with the other parent as isn't that the whole point - that you got together once upon a time because you liked that person so much that you wanted to spend time with them
I am scared of talking to dh it's true
do you have children malinkey?
yes gardenglory, he is allowed to get more angry/upset than I am

do you still live with your partner gardenglory? I am sorry you feel and are isolated

Yes, I have one DS who is 3.

I also worried about wanting our family to stay together and like you wanted so many things from my partner that he was unable or more likely unwilling to give me. But I got to a stage where I realised that he is the way he is and all my wishful thinking wasn't going to change that and I realised I was unable to live with it any more.

I found myself getting more and more depressed but as soon as I eventually allowed myself to think that I didn't have to stay in the relationship I started to feel more like myself.

I also became worried about DS learning that his behaviour is normal so that helped with the worry about splitting up the 'happy' family and I hope that DS will grow up not learning these damaging lessons about relationships.

As for your situation, I don't think being messy is 'damaging' to the relationship. Just sounds like another thing to control you with. Do you think if you become incredibly tidy suddenly all would be well with your relationship?

"I do think it's very important to still be very good friends with the other parent" - it doesn't sound like he's much of a friend to you.

ostracized, this is a really sad aituation. I don't have anything to add other than to say that just ignoring / not speaking to you for long periods of time is really horrible bullying behaviour which your DC will be picking up on. My stepmum once didn't speak to me for a whole year and we lived in the same house. It was horrendous for everyone and I never ever got a proper answer out of her as to WHY she was doing it. I used to try and shut her in a room to force her to explain it to me and she just refused to speak. I know from speaking to my brother since then that even though she was lovely to him personally, the atmosphere in the house was pure poison and really upsetting.

I think you need to get the courage to really confront him as it sounds like a pretty toxic environment to be living in - for you and for your DC

Thanks for your sympathy, it's ok now, I haven't seen her for over 18 years, thank goodness.

Taking the longer term view, your dc will notice his treatment of you, and may well start to copy it. Do you really want to be treated like that by 4 people? I would think it would be absolute hell.

Also, when you stand up to him, does his behaviour ratchet up a few notches?

Tbh, the only time I managed to resist, was when dh and I were living with my dm to pay her bills. My df wasn't able to be an ally, the house was in her name, and she had threatened to sell it and put him on the street.

If not counselling, do you have a university with an extral mural studies dept within reach? Sometimes they run assertiveness courses that can be really good. Something like that may help, too.

When we resisted, her behaviour got more and more extreme, as she tried to bring us 'into line'. We were so 'beyond the pale' that she left fruit we had bought in the fruit bowl to go mouldy, and then put cling film on top of 'her fruit' to protect it, but left the mouldy stuff there.

If I were living with someone that annoyed me to that extent, I would have to let them know. I couldn't keep a lid on it. I'd just have to tell them. Can your dh show anger constructively, or is it only in this cold aggressive way?

However, even though it was tough, it's worth resisting, otherwise you get ground down the way my poor df was, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. His only friend was Gordon - the gin.

ostracised - thank you. Yes. Your H does not do this constantly then, two years ago you said was the last time he went silent on you. It is not a constant thing which is better than my experience.

The total ability for him to be able to interact with anyone except you, I know. Very effective on destroying self-esteem. The knowlingly upsetting you and then calling you 'pathetic', very familiar with.

Also, familiar with the 'shadow of your normal self' scenario.

Have you asked him if he wants the marriage?

This man is a nasty woman-hating wanker. HIs behaviour is deliberate, the intention is to upset you and make you feel gulity, uncomfortable, scared and inferior. He has cast himself as your boss/owner and it is your role to obey him, placate him and be a thing he can fee his ego by damaging.
He isn't going to change. People like this can never get over the idea of themselves as superior, and are pretty much hooked on the jollies they get from causing others distress.