burying my head in the sand

[ostracized]

Hi, have namechanged for this - don't even know if I have spelt "ostracized" right. Basically, dh and I had an argument almost three weeks ago and he has hardly spoken to me since. He has done this kind of thing before - namely once for 5 weeks two years ago. Then I was desperate for the sulking to stop and eventually got him out of it by "approaching him" in bed. This time however we are a lot more distant and angry with each other and don't sleep in the same bed. I am too pissed off with his general behaviour with me during normal times to approach him physically. This behaviour is fairly companionable but distant during the week and very critical and complaining at the weekends. To the point that I withdraw and become a shadow of my "during the week" self.

During this most recent bout of sulking I have been thinking why on earth should I force someone to talk to me who obviously doesn't want to, though the whole situation does make me sad. Plus we went to see his family this weekend and the sulking didn't stop him saying several critical lecturing things and being generally rude a few times. I was also called "pathetic" on friday. So it seems he can stop talking to me but also "interact" if he needs to .

What worries me this time is that I fear that unless I make some move towards him, he will never talk to me properly again. He has a tendency to do this - he hasn't talked to my sister properly since they had an argument a year and a half ago and doesn't talk to two of his own sisters at all.

I clearly need to say to him that we need to go to counselling. If it was just us I could move on but we have kids. BUT I am scared of suggesting anything for fear of being shouted down. I don't feel I have the strength to deal with how upset I become if he starts being horrible.

Not saying I haven't contributed to the "relationship" being in the sorry state it is, but he is the one who is uncompromising, bossy, critical and complaining.

I clearly have to do something about this but there NEVER seems to be a good time. Dh CONSTANTLY on laptop working and he doesn't seem to care that things are crap between us.
There are lots of things I don't like about him at the moment and he probably feels my dislike, but I am not the one who is so difficult. I am far more laid-back and far less critical. Plus I would love to be able to talk about our non relationship, but he dictates what we can and can't talk about.

Breakfree, I think controlling men somehow deliberately make you worry about how they will cope. But you have yourself and your two small children to think about.
As you are ready to leave -
Can you get some advice from Women's Aid or a free half hour with a solicitor about what to do about him refusing to leave the family home?

So gardenglory, are you always wondering when this horrible not speaking will happen again?

sorry gardenglory sorry to ask a direct question like that, tired, please ignore it.

Different to op's. Constantly used.

gardenglory, are you going to end this beastly relationship with your HH anytime soon?

gardenglory, looking back through posts and can see now that I should have realised you are coping with this cruel treatment constantly. Also seen "sometimes, they don't want to set you free - it suits them". I'm guessing here and don't know you or full situation. It seems you have stayed because he is preventing you from going, told other people you are neurotic, isolated you. He maybe has made it look like this is your fault, because of something you have done and he is so nice. "look how nice I really am".(look what a fantastic father I am ....) He maybe trying to make you feel guilty. That makes you think you have no alternative but to stay and live like this. You have found a way to cope by watching what he is doing. He stays frustratingly calm so he can say he is reasonable. Sometimes you lose your rag because his cruel behaviour is so maddening and untolerable. He uses this against you as further 'proof' that he is a nice person and you are behaving inexcusably. But in fact he is manipulating and he is behaving inexcusably. You have become aware of what he is doing, but powerless to do anything about it.

UnlikelyAmazonian and gardenglory, wrote my last post before I saw UnlikelyAmazonian's post. Think it is called x posts.

gardenglory I agree with UlikelyAmazonian. I understand how impossible it seems.

I agree with UnlikelyA even though I understand how impossible it seems.

alb2 - controlling men don't always (I am sure everyone knows this) try to worry you as to how they will cope. The opposite is often true - they fuel your lack of belief that you will not be able to cope constantly; if there are 'weaknesses' in you, they will play on them. In fact, some are so full of confidence/no apparent weaknesses that it is almost as if they are inhuman and beyond the smallest vulnerabilities of any human being - as if, nothing will ever touch them. And, I don't think alot does in reality.

I have not had experience of long periods of refusal to communicate like OP; that's why it is interesting to hear OP's experience, but also, I understand what she is going through, and the effects it has on you, and how, if you are told it is your fault, you genuinely doubt yourself sometimes that it is all your own fault - which is still, honestly, where I am at

A feeling of powerlessness. Yes. That is why I worry for OP and I can see the effects it has on her - the shadow of her self etc...., and if it isn't sorted somehow, eg OP's DH becomes englightened and wants to go to counselling etc with her, or he is self aware enough to sit down with her and communicate and work together to improve things, or she accepts that she will try to deal with his behaviour in her own way (difficult), or she divorces him.

Forgot to add - that he accepts 'any' of the blame.

Also, in my situation, it is seen as being all my own fault, that he is like that with me. It is quite easy for someone who is quite isolated to be convinced that it must be me - but I am work in progress!

sorry, should have said some controlling men sometimes try to worry you about how they will cope.

xposts

alb2 - Not my experience!!!

Some consider you lucky to have someone like them. That they are a brilliant catch etc.....

Breakfree - Why do you have to worry about how your H will cope? (completely alien to me).

Is the reason he refuses to leave because of his financial situation? Or is it - the principle that it is 'his house too and he pays for it'?

Breakfree - I can't imagine thinking about how an abusive man will cope if I leave him.

Mine tried to make me feel guilty about how he would cope financially if I left him. And especially as he considered everything to be my fault so it wasn't fair that he would not be able to cope financially as a result of me leaving. And he said it wasn't fair if all the kids live with me. (And he said I wouldn't be able to cope with the dcS on my own.)

because he was so fantastic at everything and I was useless at everything!

That he would be able to cope financially - not relevant personally.

Ostracized, I wish you success with dealing with your DH's behaviour in your own way; the downside is that it can become somewhat of an endurance test.

Thank you gardenglory, I wish you all the best too :) And everybody else who has similar issues - breakfree / a1b2 / UnlikelyAmazonian.

gardenglory, I am glad you are a work in prgress.

ostrasized I hope you are coping ok and will come to your own decisions and if you want to keep writing things that's ok and if you don't want to write anything that's ok too and the supportive women on here can give our support in an unconditional way to you, and other women, whatever advice you choose to take or not.