It's another of those "didn't think it would happen to me" threads

[NotSureWhatNow]

Name changer due to SIL posting here and don't want her knowing about this.

DH and I haven't been getting along amazingly - no rows just a feeling of something not being quite right for a while tbh. I have been away working for a few days. Got back today and was sorting washing from the airer. Found a black holdup which as I don't wear them was hardly a good sign.

Stupid DH had done washing and when unpacking his suitcase from a couple of weeks ago hadn't noticed bringing that back with him.

We have been talking. Have been being surprisingly calm. Is a person from his old work and sounds like they have slept with each other a couple of times. Has been happening since about August I think.

Our sex life has been crap for ages - for the last two years or so.

Both of us have said we've felt unsure about how the other one felt about them - I have felt DH not liking/loving me much but seems he has been feeling the same.

A few years ago I had an emotional affair which ended up with a kiss or two. Feel this is some karma for that having happened.

Is DS's birthday tomorrow (excellent timing). Feel somehwat numb tbh. As my name says I'm not sure what to do now. I think we need some sort of help here but don't think we can afford counselling. Not sure we can afford not to though.

Am just sad tonight.

Someone?anyone? am very :( tonight

Shit.

So sorry to hear this.

Don't think it's karma, please. You H decided to do this all by himself. Did your H know about the EA?

I don't really have any advice, but let yourself digest the news before you decide anything.

What an absolute cock.

:(

Has he agreed not to see her again? I don't have any great wisdom on this, but that would be the first step for me, that it's completely over between them.

Thank you.

yes H did know about the EA - I don't think at all that he did this because of that but just some sort of external thing. Or something.

It is bothering me who it is - not sure why as it doens't actually matter.

Is shit really.

Oh hun, not sure what to say. You sound like you're in shock. Have you got anyone if RL to talk to? I guess you have to try to get through tomorrow and see how it goes from there. How long have you been together? Did he say what he plans to do?
I hope you're okay, just because we read about a fair few of these circumstances on mn, doesn't make it any easier when it's happening to you.

I didn't want your thread to go unanswered after what must have been a real shock.

I think you could see a counsellor at a reduced cost if its an issue - know its like that where I live anyway?

Sounds like there are other issues going on - hope you can work things out, and maybe with help you can.

I'm so sorry, poor you. You sound very calm, considering what you have discovered all in one day. Some counselling would certainly be a good idea. Relate costs about £45 per session, but they will provide a counsellor for free if you can't afford it. You may have to wait for a regular appointment though, sometimes up to 6 weeks.

Your H's affair is not karma for your own emotional affair. Instead, both are likely to be result of the same cause, ie both of you feeling a lack of fulfillment in your relationship.

You both have to put on a brave face for the birthday tomorrow though. Good luck.

Oh Notsure, so sorry to see this, I feel so bad for you.

Second that this is not Karma, you had the good sense to stop before damage was done, he must have banged this woman in your house? Ew.

Let the situation calm, let your brain process your feelings and then you can decide what you want to do.

He is an absolute cock.

You don't sound as bothered as expected - I'd have throttled him.

If it bothers you who it is, then that is a completely valid concern.

You're right, it is shit. :(

We live about 200 miles from where she does and so I will not be the trusting wife when he goes somewhere.

I don't know whether he wants to see her again at the moment or not. Haven't actually pressed him about it. Am going to though.

oh saw the bit about the suitcase. better.

but he is still a cock.

I have to go to bed, but I hope you're okay. And that you get through tomorrow alright. Take it slow, don't make any rush decisions. We're thinking of you.

colditz I am feeling totally numb. Is horrible. The anger is there but I couldn't do it tonight when it is my gorgeous boy's birthday tomorrow.

Fuck am sobbing now.

No, it wasn't here. If it had been I would have gone completely mad.

Was in some hotel in London a couple of weeks ago (he hadn't unpacked his suitcase and I hadn't done it either).

Focus on your boy. Right now he is the only man in your life that is worth a damn.

OK?

Sorry about my confusion over location.

Of course you feel numb, sick and bewildered. This will pass quite soon and your feelings will kick back in.

Try to put all this to one side until the party is out of the way.

Then you will be able to start thinking of the things you want to ask, the things you want to say, the things you want to demand, and if you want him in the house at all while you are healing.

Don't you dare beat yourself up about the EA. For all we know there were reasons then why you felt lost in your relationship. You had the good sense to make sure it ended when it did. Shows you are a strong and fundamentally good and dignified person.

Hang onto that dignity, hold onto that poise and strength. It will help you get through this.

Thinking of you, sending massive hugs

I should think it got swept up into his suitcase the morning after or something like that. Anyway it isn't important really as it happened and it's how I/we deal with it that is important.

Birthday tomorrow, party on Saturday. Then I go away on Monday for a week. Is money I only get if i go (sort of self employed) and is good money. So I will go. No chance of them meeting while I'm away - also his mum is coming up then too.

he is asleep. I am rather sadly not.

Is a bit of a wake up call - do I want to save this or not? Am not sure at the moment but appreciate am not in the best of frames of mind.

I think the time away will do you good actually. Time to think and reflect. Or time to escape and not think about it, depends what works for you.

Oh, how I'd be livid at him for sleeping how can you do that and then not lose sleep.. I'd slam a few doors/tell him to sleep downstairs where the dogs sleep.

Too early to tell about saving it or not. A lot of the answer to that question is actually down to him. He needs to work damned hard to pull this back.

Do you wish you didn't know? or somehow is it better to know what has happened?

Again, hugs and thinking of you, wish I could take away the pain you are feeling.

concentrate on the birthday boy, his smiles will get you through this!

I asked and yes he did KM.

You say that you can't afford counselling - but if it helps to get the marriage back it works out a lot cheaper than a divorce.

Lots of hugs. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You can't possibly sort out whether or not you continue in the marriage tonight - do you think you can get to sleep? Do you have any wine??

So sorry you have to hea this on the night before DS bithday...but try to seperate the two events. hink of the event as when it actually happened.

If it affords you ANY comfort at all, it could simply have been sex...as in he needed the release...it sounds that way...nothing but the physical act. Like shitting.

You are still his wife. If you decide you do want to continue with him...I can ony advie that you put you and your son first and be very, very kind to yourself.