It's another of those "didn't think it would happen to me" threads

[NotSureWhatNow]

Name changer due to SIL posting here and don't want her knowing about this.

DH and I haven't been getting along amazingly - no rows just a feeling of something not being quite right for a while tbh. I have been away working for a few days. Got back today and was sorting washing from the airer. Found a black holdup which as I don't wear them was hardly a good sign.

Stupid DH had done washing and when unpacking his suitcase from a couple of weeks ago hadn't noticed bringing that back with him.

We have been talking. Have been being surprisingly calm. Is a person from his old work and sounds like they have slept with each other a couple of times. Has been happening since about August I think.

Our sex life has been crap for ages - for the last two years or so.

Both of us have said we've felt unsure about how the other one felt about them - I have felt DH not liking/loving me much but seems he has been feeling the same.

A few years ago I had an emotional affair which ended up with a kiss or two. Feel this is some karma for that having happened.

Is DS's birthday tomorrow (excellent timing). Feel somehwat numb tbh. As my name says I'm not sure what to do now. I think we need some sort of help here but don't think we can afford counselling. Not sure we can afford not to though.

Am just sad tonight.

There is wine but really don't want it.

He obviusly has lied KM or at least lied by ommisson ie I knew he was in London just didn't know what he was doing.

I agree Eurostar that the cost of not having counselling seems likely to be greater than not both financially and everything else.

The irony is that I have been putting the DC beofre him I think. "we" have been on the back burner for longer than this.

Am not connecting it and DS birthday but it is crap timing to find out now.

Well I would think as he did the washing, put the hold-up on the airer and left it there for you to see when you came home, he actually wanted you to find out about this. That sounds insignificant in the great scheme of things, but if he did want you to discover what has been going on, it sounds as though he is still committed to your relationship and that this affair was the ultimate in passive-aggressive gestures to tell you he doesn't know if you love eachother any more.

I would imagine you could recall a 100 other examples of less than direct communication, but this is probably the worst one yet.

Like others, I think you're in shock and I empathise with that enormously. Having had to keep cheerful for a similar family celebration within a couple of days of discovery, I can imagine how you're feeling.

It is vital that you hear more from him and I expect he has gone to bed while he thinks what he is going to say. Tomorrow will feel utterly surreal and from a physiological perspective, try and eat because there will be moments tomorrow when you will feel quite faint.

I would suggest if you both work, you take some time off, assuming that the DCs are at school and you can therefore talk in the day. If they are not at school, call in a few favours and get them invited out elsewhere to give you some space.

At this stage, just ask questions and listen. Don't rush to a decision and never be afraid to say you need to think through what he has told you. One ground rule at the moment - ask him to give you the respect and courtesy of complete honesty.

It's the most gut-wrenching feeling this and I feel for you. Keep posting.

WWIFN thank you - your first paragraph does make sense. And possibly is better out in the open although feels not at the moment.

Both DC in school. I mainly don't work although do some that invoves going away every 6 months or so (obviously that happens at the same time as this).

Am doing a bit of other work this week but there is some time where we should be able to at least have lunch together. H had to take time off work for sick DS last week while I was away - not sure he should take more time off now but I think an extended lunch is fine.

Still feels so surreal.

I don't think an extended lunch is going to touch the sides. I think this must be your shock talking, to be honest. In a few months time you will be amazed that he went to bed without talking more.

Trust me. You need to have this discussion sooner rather than later. Get him to call in sick, move heaven and earth to sit down and talk. This crisis could affect the rest of your life and it is more important than anything at the moment, especially work.

Probbaly not but am trying to think a bit at a time. And we are going to talk between now and next Monday a lot.

Is DS's birthday now. Happy birthday to my lovely boy.

Thank you everyone - am going to try and get some sleep now.

Will change back to usual name and come bacdk here at some point.

But.... you did it first. I know you didn't sleep with the other person but there's not much in it really.

I think both incidents cancel each other out. Talk, decide what you are both going to do.

Maybe you are right Pamela. Not sure that they exactly cancel each other out though.

Had OK sleep - woke up crying but hey ho. DS bounced in and we both rallied very well.

Would be easier if I felt like I hated H but I don't. There is counselling available through his work and he has investigated it and emailed stuff about it. I feel like this is a good thing.

Have said we need to organise something more concrete about it before i go away next week and he agrees.

Is still shit. Numb etc. But have realised I can cope without him if that is what is best and that is helping me a bit. Have told a RL friend and that also helping.

Did he know about your emotional affair? Because if he does I would assume he is trying to get you back for that. If not, well, maybe he sensed it anyway.

Pamela, are you really suggesting that her EA gives her husband carte blanche to screw someone else?

OP, even if he did know about the EA, that does not give him the right to do this. Nor is it a valid excuse.

I'm not going to say that I think that, because I don't want to upset her. But it can't be denied that if one person cheats it sets up an imbalance in the relationship which, if not resolved (properly, like with counselling) can lead to the other person feeling inferior and therefore doing something in order to get the 'power' back. Like shagging someone else. I have no idea whether that's actually what's happened here, it's just a guess.

Yes, he did know about the emotional affair. It ended over 4 years ago.

I think because I had an EA i understand how someone can fall into one. I feel I don't have any moral highground here but do feel he could have tried talking to me rather than having sex with someone else. But at the same time I know neither of us have been totally "happy" recently.

I am not sure whether trying to separate what I did and this is a good idea or not. I have felt shit enough about what I did for a long time.

Whatever happens we both need to talk with each other a lot.

Am still feeling determined though which is good. And I know I can cope on my own (or with DC) which is also good.

Am trying to be careful not to out myself. Is hard work.

I reckon (and I could be wrong) that they are connected. It's not the worst thing ever, though, and I think if you both get some counselling you can kill two birds with one stone. If his infidelity is a symptom of yours then there is only one 'cause' (why you had the EA in the first place) and everything unravels from there. If you can fix that one thing, I reckon you can sort everything out.

The only relevance any former infidelity has to a current relationship is whether the whole issue of fidelity was resolved then, in your relationship. It doesn't sound like it was, or this wouldn't have happened. But it's impossible to say, without more information.

You don't say whether you both analysed why your EA happened and whether you made efforts thereafter to work on the fidelity in your marriage. You don't say whether he was emotionally attached to this woman before he had sex with her, or indeed whether this relationship is now over.

What I would counsel against however, is assuming that infidelity is purely relational, or assuming that it happened because of his lingering hurt about your admitted EA. Given that this wasn't a secret between you and he made the choice to continue in the marriage despite it, you should not bargain away that he then went on to make yet another choice, which was to be physically unfaithful to you. He needs to own those choices and not make any excuses for it.

There were a myriad of other choices he could have made along the way, but this is why I wouldn't assume that just because your relationship has been challenging, this in itself caused the infidelity. You are able to empathise with temptation and this will stand you in good stead, but from the little you have posted, it sounds as though unless it was your affair partner who stopped this from becoming physical, you made a different decision to the one made by your H, when push came to shove. You crossed many lines when you had your EA, but not all.

Hence, your individual and lifestyle vulnerabilities to infidelity might be entirely different to eachother's. You might both have a different moral compass.

Your EA and its impact on your H's infidelity might be a massive red herring, or it might be a contributory factor. But just as the problems in your marriage i.e. the relational factors, won't be the entire cause of this latest crisis, if the EA is a contributory factor, it won't be the defining issue.

WWIFN thank you again for your post. We never did analyse why my EA happened - it got rather swept under the carpet and then my on and off depression got the better of me and somehow we never talked.

In terms of my EA not becoming physical it was the other person who wouldn't. I can't know that I wouldn't have done but he was the one who stopped it.

Am getting more cross now tbh. Which might be a good thing.

DS had a good birthday :) Still have his party on Saturday (an all day trip with a few friends). Am losing some motivation for the finishing touches which I will try and attack in the next few days.

Still feeling this is some sort of test and it didn't actually happen. But know really it did.

Just feel I don't really know DH at all. Maybe our moral compasses are different.

Well, that's honest of you and I had a feeling you would say it was the OM who put the brakes on. Unfortunately there is a myth that persists that men's affairs are driven by sex and women's by emotions. However, I have seen so much evidence now to contradict this and increasingly find that men often stop affairs becoming physical.

So, you don't know what you would have done. I imagine you can take a fairly good guess though, if you put yourself back to that time.

Hence, you will be able to understand some of this.

It also doesn't surprise me that the EA was swept under the carpet and not dealt with, but what does surprise me is that you are now over 24 hours on from discovery and it still doesn't sound as though you and your H have talked. There are clues in what you say about a part of you pretending that this didn't really happen. The first stage of bereavement is denial/shock and I think you're in that at the moment, but sooner rather than later, you are going to have to get some information, because you've both got some huge decisions to make.

Do you want him to end this relationship? Is there any part of you that sees this as a get-out-of-jail free card? If you think that this woman actually loves him more than you, will you stand aside?

My instincts are telling me that he is not emotionally invested in this relationship and that he hasn't seen this woman as an alternative life partner, but unless you are with-holding details on here, it seems that you don't know this either.

WWIFN, i am so glad you are here, you really do say what needs to be said, asked, thought.

NSWN, I am rooting for you, WWIFN has so much to give and advise on this, I can't add a thing, but know that I am here watching and willing it all to be better for you, soon.

When we talked yesterday, he said that he didn't see her as some long term thing. Am pretty sure I have worked out who she is - I know he used to work with her in old job although think I was wrong in thinking she is based where she is. Still about same distance from where we live though.

Which relationship are you talking about him ending? Mine or hers? I know she is in a relationship with someone (he told me this) although not married. Obviously have no idea how she feels about him. She also presumably hasn't had to deal with the mundane aspects of life with him. But she may love him.

Today (well yesterday now) was DS's birthday. That was coming first yesterday. This might sounds like some excuse for why I haven't been interrogating H but I don't think it is.

Ate a bit today. Which is good.

Thank you for answering my poorly contructed posts and seeming to have a great understanding (better than I do) of what might be going on a bit here.

Thank you too LittleMissHissyFit. It really does mean a lot knowing people care even though you don't know me at all.

Well of course I am presuming you don't. Would be just my luck to find out I do actually know you!

Never really read threads in Relationships before. Was more of a Primary Education person recently.

Am wondering if this says something about me although I think that is being a bit daft.

what a shame for you, notsure. i know you are all at sea now but i hope that this will turn out to be a revelation that you can overcome togehter. like you say, you know it is possible to be drawn to someone else. wishing you all the best.

I was referring to him ending the relationship with her.

I honestly think you are in shock, but I know that this will wear off after a while and I want you to think ahead a bit if you can. Do you have to go away next week, or could this be postponed or cancelled? Is it your plan to hear the whole story including what he wants and then retreat to decide? Shock is a strange thing and I think when something like this happens, it doesn't always occur that this is a crisis of epic proportions and so normal life actually needs to be suspended for a while. Hence there is a tendency to press ahead with plans, despite the fact that the world has stopped turning on its axis.

Now, I understand why that was necessary today, with DS's birthday, but have a think about the other things you are auto-piloting, when it's not necessary to do so.

Happy to help in any way I can.

I haven't felt like having sex for ages and so we haven't really. Oddly (or maybe not oddly) I feel more like having sex now than I have done for ages.

Feel it could well be driven by knowing someone else has. And he's mine, not hers.

Hate knowing someone else had sex with him and woke up in a hotel room afterwards. Am trying and failing to remember when we last stayed in a hotel.

Not helpful thoughts. Not a helpful time to be awake.