It's another of those "didn't think it would happen to me" threads

[NotSureWhatNow]

Name changer due to SIL posting here and don't want her knowing about this.

DH and I haven't been getting along amazingly - no rows just a feeling of something not being quite right for a while tbh. I have been away working for a few days. Got back today and was sorting washing from the airer. Found a black holdup which as I don't wear them was hardly a good sign.

Stupid DH had done washing and when unpacking his suitcase from a couple of weeks ago hadn't noticed bringing that back with him.

We have been talking. Have been being surprisingly calm. Is a person from his old work and sounds like they have slept with each other a couple of times. Has been happening since about August I think.

Our sex life has been crap for ages - for the last two years or so.

Both of us have said we've felt unsure about how the other one felt about them - I have felt DH not liking/loving me much but seems he has been feeling the same.

A few years ago I had an emotional affair which ended up with a kiss or two. Feel this is some karma for that having happened.

Is DS's birthday tomorrow (excellent timing). Feel somehwat numb tbh. As my name says I'm not sure what to do now. I think we need some sort of help here but don't think we can afford counselling. Not sure we can afford not to though.

Am just sad tonight.

It's not odd at all to feel that your libido has increased. It's a less common side-effect of a discovery. Part of it is shock, jolting you out of your complacency. Some of it is wanting to reclaim him and if you've had the first honest conversation about your relationship for 2 years, some if it will have been driven by this too. This doesn't just happen after affair discoveries incidentally. Many trauma victims are astonished when they feel a strong urge to have sex shortly afterwards.

Let your instincts guide you and don't ever feel that it would be wrong to have sex, once you have established what it is you both want - and assuming he really has practised safer sex.

I do have to go away next week really - I don't work much but do stuff every six months or so. Pays a good rate and given our (pretty extreme) debt issues over the last year or so it really is necessary.

I know that it could be said that our relationship also is at a rather crucial stage. Have told H that (a) we are going to talk before next week and that (b) he is going to organise counselling through his work (before I go away) ie he will do what needs to be done to put it into progress - have no idea what the time scales are like.

Find myself wondering what would be the very worst that could happen, in a sort of prepare for the worst way.

Might sleep down here tonight as have not a lot of urge to go and sleep upstairs. H does need to work tomorrow whereas I don't. And he did look just as awful as I do/did.

Is hard to care for someone and know they are hurting when they are hurting you so much.

I want him to end it with her. There is no need for him to contact her - they used to work together and don't now. But I have always trusted him so much and would have hated to feel that I needed to ask him to do or not do something. AM feeling I was rather too trusting.

I need to be definitely sure on the safe sex front. Have no urge to have not had sex for so long and then get infected with something. Rational part of me thinking there.

:(:(:(:(
:(:(:(:(

Usually use lots of emoticons in my posts so a few needed to come out there.

I am assuming then that you haven't checked his phone for messages, photos and hidden folders? Why is that?

I don't really know. We had a ridiculous needing to swop cars thing today and his phone was in the one I needed. I took it back to him - could easily have kept it and checked it. Don't know why I didn't really.

Maybe I will search for it now. Not sure what it would do to find something although he may well have deleted anything not good now.

Is rather late isn't it? Should really try and get some sleep.

I'm not saying you should look at the phone, I just wondered why you hadn't. The story of most modern-day affairs is to be found on phones. It all depends whether you think your H will be honest with you when you do have your discussion. If you think he will - and finding stuff on the phone is going to make you feel worse, then don't do it. If on the other hand he has got form for only admitting what you can prove, then that phone might hold some clues and give you info you are missing.

Yes try and get some sleep then. I wanted to stay with you while you needed help, but tomorrow is another day, eh? Hope you do manage some sleep; you must be exhausted.

I was thinking about you and sleep as well. Although I am sure you are grown up enough to decide when you are going to bed!

i didn't look at the phone before because I didn't suspect anything. I am pretty sure H will be honest but seeing as my previous sentence shows I didn't suspect this then who can tell. Don't think I can feel any worse really - my own wonderings about excatly what happened are doing a good enough job at that one.

Slept mostly on the sofa and sleep was ok.

Checked this morning and yes it was the person I thought it was. Strangely knowing makes me feel a bit better - I suppose it is the fear of the unknown that is worse.

This is all still rather shit though. Suppose it will be for a while though...

Hello Notsurewhatnow,

I've been through similar, having had a horrible, horrible time with my DH having found out about his betrayal.

I was sent a text meant for the OW, which is how I found out. But he had history of textual affairs.

He's been going to counselling, we are going to start going together. This weekend we turned a corner, and it was so, so hard. But I simply couldn't live like it 6 months on.

We are going to try again. And I'm not doing it for the sake of the children (which, up to now, has been the reason neither of us had left).

All I really want to say to you is that it is a long, hard path, and it will turn out how it is meant to. You haven't said too much about how he has reacted to this. Is he sorry?

I don't think you can sweep this under the carpet. Relate are flexible with their payment and you don't have to pay more that you can afford. I've been on my own, DH is going on his own and we will start going together - but thats a childcare issue.

WWIFN will look after you, as she did with me, and countless others. But you have my support. You don't have to make any decision now.

Not sure if I'm making sense, I'm coming to the end of a rollercoaster and have that 'out of sorts' feeling. Now is my time to heal, but its taken a long time. I think that's all I'm trying to say. Its a time thing.

Good luck.

Thank you sandsad. I think I might have seen your name in relationship threads before but never really looked further than the title iyswim.

He is sorry. Think he is also in shock at being found out though. Not sure which is the bigger thing for him.

Agree this can't get swept under the carpet. He is saying he finds it hard to talk but tough. I am finding it hard to know that someone I trusted totally has betrayed that trust.

We did talk for about 2 hours just after I found out on Sunday but i was in a bit too much shock to say what i really needed to I think

our relationship has been lacking something recently though. Suppose this is maje or break time. I do know he doesn't intend to leave right now.

Am not exactly managing the housework today. Think I need loud music and to have some physical effort

If you're feeling listless and numb still, OP, can I suggest you do something that will be amazingly productive before your long-awaited chat?

I have lost count of the people I have now come across who believe that their marriage hit the buffers and that this is what caused the infidelity. Now maybe that's true in your case and what I do know is that it only happens after the unfaithful party has checked out of the relationship. The challenge is to find out when that happened and why. It could be that he checked out long ago and therefore when the opportunity for an affair presented itself, the barriers to it weren't there.

Sometimes though, it only happens after first or resumed contact with another person, who has made it clear that they are open to an affair. Hence, the under-investment starts at this point and not when the affair actually started. It is vital that you learn when your H first started seeing this woman as an opportunity, so that you don't "set the clock too late" when you are timelining the problems in your marriage, that you believe caused the affair.

Whatever happens after an affair discovery, whether the couple part or stay together, it is essential to work out what triggered the under-investment and when that happened.

Incidentally, what do you mean you checked (the identity of the OW)? Did you ask your H? What led you to think that it was her in the first place? If your H used to work with her, when did she re-enter the picture?

I asked H this morning and he told me.

He used to work for a small company and there are details of everyone who works there on the website. There wasn't much choice for who it could have been iyswim.

When he worked there I knew his email password and did used to check it but to check whether he was still at work (used to work a couple of hours away and was useful to get an idea of when he would be home). Thinking about it, I had seen emails between them then and nothing untoward ie no explicit anything but having been there myself i could recognise the flirty nature of emails probably more on her side similar to ones I sent to person in my EA although before if started.

I may be Reading things into stuff that's not there fir that though - filling in the gaps now I do know things.

Have stopped crying for now. FFS I was crying about the fact he took her to a hotel and not me. I like hotels. And our budget doesn't exactly support it. I do other stuff as well as my main work and it is dull and doesn't pay that much. Is galling thinking how long I did that for to support this night of sex. Nb we have joint account. Always wondered why ppl didn't. But now understand a bit more.

Am waffling away. I really have to do something practical and for now rhis is housework based as is a tip.

You are brilliant WWIFN :)

I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling , but you now have to decide whether this is fixable or not. If it is, and he agrees it is what you both want, then work together with all your might. If not, clean break. To me there is no inbetween as neither of you will be entirely happy.
I am so very sorry this has happened to you, but chin up, we will listen and help where we can.

Get those tunes on and take it out on the house. And if you've a voice like me, close the windows to spare the neighbours

I went to H's work this afternoon to drop something off and he came out with me in the car and we talked for a couple of hours.

Was quite good. I found out more things about exactly what happened and when. I talked about things to do with the EA which I hadn't done before.

I really don't think H doing this is to do with the EA especially as I never said everything to do with the EA at the time. He had had friendship with this person, they kissed at his leaving do and then have met up and slept together on two occasions since.

We talked about the children and our relationship with them, things to do eith each one of us. And "us" as an entity. We agreed there hasn't really been an us for a while - years probably.

We both want to find out if us is there somewhere and are going to get counselling to help facilitate it. I have told dh that I will be talking to him over the next few days before I go away.

I am not sure what sort of sorry he is. He is sorry for hurting me but I'm not sure he regrets it happening.

Still hate the fact he did it at all but I understand about being flatterered by someone. Sigh.

He used condoms which is better than not.

He doesn't want to never see her again. I said j understand that but I am not happy about it. But it would need to be organised given where she and we live so i am not pressing it thus second. I do know that a clean break makes more sense though.

He understands why I skept on the sofa last night and said he can if i would like that. Wish we had a spare room tbh!

Will return here later on I an sure

No. No. No and No again. You will never be able to start a path to recovery as a couple if he is still seeing her, in any capacity whatsoever. He should end the relationship now and sever contact completely. He doesn't have to work with her or have any contact with her ever again and this is a must.

Do not be afraid to state your boundaries.

It's difficult to help you when you are being so guarded about the information you have gleaned, although I understand you don't want to be outed.

So I hope you work this out between you and resolve the fidelity in your relationship once and for all, if you are going to stay together.

The thing is I remember when I still wanted to stay friends with the OM after my EA was discovered. Although I couldn't as it turned out.

I know I need to set boundaries. And Reading this helps me get things a bit straighter in my head.

I thought I was saying quite a bit about what I have found out. But maybe not. Don't think it will out me that much.

Reading the end of your post does sound rather like I am a lost cause anyway and you are bidding me well. Feel a bit like I may not have been saying what I should be saying. Anyway thank you a lot for all you have said and I am sorry to have not said enough.

I'm still here, WWIFN is bang on again.

State your boundaries NSWN, he has to cease contact. She has to stay away.

Sorry again, that sounded snipy. Wasn't meant to. It's just that I haven't been through this before and so don't know quite what to say here or to H.

Just still feel all shit snd also talking with H made me realise I have been withdrawing from him for years :( And s lot of it is to do with the EA. Becuase we didn't talk about it I have been carrying guilt with me and being scared about letting myself be near H. Which sounds muddled even to me.

I don't know if there is an "us" left. We are both individually and together great parents to DS (7) and DD(5) but it's not enough.

I am going to go through his phone later on. Might as well go through it although don't think there's any more to find.

She knows I know.

I really will leave this for ar least now and maybe totally.

You cannot stay friends with someone who has threatened the marriage you want to keep. It's as simple as that.

To help you properly, can you tell us the timeline for this, like I suggested earlier? I'm pretty certain that they didn't suddenly develop a mutual attraction to eachother at his leaving do, so tell me this:

When did they first start fancying eachother and how long ago was this? A year ago, 2 years?

What happened after the kiss and when was this? That is, how long ago?

Why did they only meet twice, if this started in August?

What defined this relationship? It doesn't sound like it was the sex. Did he become addicted to the feelings the relationship was evoking or her as a person? They are very different things.

When did he start to detach from you and his marriage? Before he realised she fancied him/he fancied her or after?

You both sound rather ambivalent about this marriage and what has happened; a rather anti-climactic under-reaction, if anything. Now I understand that your communication has been poor in the past, but this is the chance to improve that - and yet there's no sense of urgency or clarity about how you both feel or what you both want.

Now maybe that's the case and it's not just you being guarded about what you reveal, but if you want to unravel what happened here, you need to know these things and I would be very happy to help you, if you need it. But at the moment, there's not enough in your posts to go on.

Incidentally, unless the work-based counselling specialises in infidelity, I don't think that's a good idea. If money is tight, you would be better off buying two copies of a book called Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass, which is IMO, the best affair recovery book on the market and has exercises within it, for a couple to attempt.

NSWN, I haven't posted on your thread because I am really struggling to understand your detached tone

You sound like this is happening to someone else

Now either you are completely in shock and reeling, or you just don't really care very much about the fact your husband has shagged another woman.

Please believe I am not being critical, and I am sure there is no set response to such a devastating discovery, but I don't know what to say to help you.

I think you should stick around, though.

Hi NSWN - just wanted to say - this sounds awful; you sound very down and sad about so many things... there's a lot of work to do... and lots of people here to listen...

I was wondering why you have not felt like sex for an awful long time. Was this as a result of the emotional affair, or before that?

The lack of desire is often a marker of other real issues. Was it simply tiredness? Did you and dh talk about the lack of sex?

I cannot imagine my marriage staying solid if we rarely had sex and never discussed what was causing that.