Lessons my father taught me ------

[Vagabond]

.......but I was too obstinate and "cool" to listen to.

My father always taught me that if a man ever shows the slightest bit of disinterest in you, walk away. If he doesn't call you or doesn't try to make plans to see you again, forget him. I used to think he didn't understand!!! I used to think he didn't get it. Turns out nothing has changed in 60 years when it comes to love and courtship.
If a man truly loves you, he'll find a way.
Don't make excuses for a man not calling you. If he wants to be with you, he'll do his damnest to be with you.

that i could be anything thing i wanted

that i am worth a great deal

that not all men are bastards

that you earn respect not demand it

that family is the most important thing

that real ladies wear high heels

That the secret of a successful marriage is to treat your spouse with as much kindness as you can and hope they do the same for you. (52 years and going strong!)

iF you work hard at school then you wouldn't have to work as hard when you grow up.....not sure if that is true though?

He also thought me that your DW will be right on all the big decisions....

That inanimate objects have ears - they must do as he spent enough time swearing at nails, paintbrushes and wallpaper. He only ever got angry at inanimate objects and politicians and was otherwise the gentlest man.

That small children are a great joy - he would get tears in his eyes watching them play.

To show courtesy to my elders.

To not ask him about the War.

That I was very much loved.

I miss him.

My dad never directly gives me advice but I have learned a few things from him.

That even if you grow up with narrow-minded, old-fashioned ideas, you can change these ideas and be better for that. He was an utter sexist when he met my mum and expected her to do everything. But, over time he changed his ways and is a great house-husband now. He also expressed very sexist views to me when I was about 12 (women should stay at home, education is wasted on them) but clearly changed his mind as he saw how well I was doing in school and was always encouraging and supportive. When I had depression he was as rigid and uncomprehending as my mother, but unlike my mother he listened to what I had to say and once again changed his mind. His ability to admit he is wrong amazes me and it is something I always try to emulate. It is one of the main things that makes my marriage happy I think.

If someone is trying to get your goat, let it wash over you and laugh. My dad is very very much an individual. He loves astrology and acupuncture and has to put up with a lot of stick for that. He really, honestly, couldn't give a toss what people think. That takes a lot of courage. He is the most self-assured person I know and again I think that feeds into his ability to admit he's wrong. He never takes anything as a personal attack, he just considers it and changes his mind if needs be. He is so utterly genuine.

Weirdly the only advice he's ever really given me directly is to get more sun. He's obsessed with sunshine and despite his pasty white skin, bakes himself at any opportunity. This advice has been roundly ignored by me, a fact that he always teases me about. He is one of the few people I know who can nag and tease without being mean or annoying.

Kids adore him. And I mean adore My grumpy cousin who wouldn't go near anyone followed him around literally all day any time he visited the house. The reason? He never belittles children, never patronises them and always listens to what they say. I believe learning this from him has made me a good teacher and also quite a kid-magnet too!

That I should never have been born (he left because my mum wouldn't abort me).

:( CheerfulV

Sorry to ask but why on earth do you know about that? I ask because my mum saw fit to tell me when I was little that I was a "mistake" (her words not mine) and that she didn't realise she was pregnant until she was 4 months gone. I always felt this was something she should never have told me.

never start a fight. Do end it. Whichever way you have to.

My father taught me that men are lying, cheating, selfish scumbags who are unable to keep their cocks in their trousers regardless of the hurt they may cause.

My step father tought me that men are kind, forgiving and strong. Men are passionate, respectful and selfless. Men share, laugh, love and cry. And men get hurt, just the same as we do.

Women are second-class people and not only that, they are lying cheating gold-diggers.
Looking after children is the mother's problem.
No matter what professional success a girl might achieve, it counts for nothing if she doesn't manage to catch a man with a good job.
Women who have children without being married are sluts.

That you shouldn't be scared of living ...nor dying.

quiddity...hope that your dad has now repented?

Another laugh of recognition at Penelope's education post. That school saved me; I'd be an even worse mess by now if Dad hadn't pushed for it.

I'd rather not have had my dad at all, but he taught me some things that have proved useful:

If you're sexually assaulted, your attacker doesn't define himself as a rapist. Try to establish where he's coming from and use that to halt the attack or get away.

If you must fight, don't fuck around. He taught me how to deliver a knockout punch, to temporarily disable and to permanently maim an attacker.

There is no magic. Everything's a question of maths, so try to evaluate the numbers.

Never criticise another's appearance or their home (unless they asked you to, obv).

Walk two miles a day.

Stick it out for a fixed period. If it hasn't improved by your deadline, quit. (He should have followed his own advice.)

Never get into a situation you can't get out of.

Bullies only understand their own language (he was eminently qualified to know that) - if a bully scares you, scare them more.

If you see a person in distress, try to help (unless it's your wife or children, plainly!) - bearing in mind the rules above.

His world was a dark place :(

Thanks for asking, TDaDa, but no.
On the contrary, some of it was confirmed when he died--he left me his house because as a "single, unmarried mother" I had "no real chance of finding a reliable, helpful life partner."

My Dad has the patience of a saint. He always smiles even though he has had a tough time of it.

"if you can't say anything nice- don't say anything at all"

"Pay your taxes gladly it means you are earning"

"you can do anything and you are far more clever than you realise" turns out he was right on that one

Vagabond - sorry but I dont entirely agree with your father.

The way you put it, sounds like he thinks the man has to do all the running. Sometimes I read posts from women on MN like that too saying things like 'dont call him, make him call you'.

I will tell my sons (and would say the same to a DD) you do as much of the running as your girl/boyfriend. Be equal from the start and you will set a good foundation for the future.

Work hard then play hard.

It is not always not what you know, it is who you know.

Don't bullshit a bullshitter. (don't lie to him)

Always look groomed, and don't forget to polish your shoes.

Don't take any crap from any man. You will end up worshipping the ground they tread you into.

yes, polishing shoes is definitely a lesson from my dad. He still looks down at my feet when we meet

quiddity - makes me sad to hear that. Hope that you prove him wrong.

Sunday night ritual - polishing our shoes when we were kids!!

That men are weak.

That books are a pleasure.

That if you played Simon and Garfunkel's Bridge Over Troubled Water very loud through headphones someone else would be able to hear it out of the back of your head.

Pardon.

yes, still polish the school and work shoes here on a Sunday night. Already done tonight....very reassuring.

WriterofDreams, just saw your post. It was bound up in him as my dad, I guess. I was curious and asked why he left, and she explained about the big row, etc etc. She did tell me how by the time I was born she had got her head round it and she wanted me very much.

It's funny because I remember saying to the mum of a childhood friend when I was about 9, 'Oh, it must be awful to be a mistake, I'm glad I'm not a mistake!" and her looking at me faintly pitingly. So my mum must not have told me very early on, but while I was still a kid I think. I think she wanted to offset any blame and share the bitterness

Treat others the way you would like to be treated.
I miss my dad.

My BIL taught me that one when I was `15 Vagabond!

He said "Never go to them...let them come to you and if they don't then they're not for you."

It was kind of an early and basic version of He's Just Not That Into You