So it's all just come out about OM

[JustNotThatIntoMe]

It was an emotional affair. Some of you will know the background.

I closed down my FB account. That's where it started with OM. It didn 't end well. I used to love it on there and DH knows this so was suspicious.

TBH it was a relief to get it all out. But DHs reaction has made me question why I fought my feelings for OM. DH says he understands why it happened because he isn't being the husband I need him to be and he can't change the way he feels about me.

He then started to read the paper.

I have fought the most intense feelings for someone else and not acted on them. Why can't DH fight for me?

OM is not the answer, I know that. But I can't go on feeling so rejected. I am a sitting target for an affair.

We're going to talk tonight. I don't know what the hell to do.

If he isn't bothered and isn't willing to fight for the relationship why don't you just end it?

sorry don't know the background but from the post above it sounds as if your way is clear...

or was the OM just a way of testing your husband and you haven't got the reaction you wanted?

Has he been suspicious of this for a long time? I can think of one poster that this scenario applies to, and if you are her, I thought you had both worked through this countless times?

Perhaps he doesn't think he needs to be the one fighting for the marriage? If he has done nothing wrong but you are hung up on somebody else, I am inclined to agree with him.

I don't know your background but I suspect you do know what you need to do.

Your H may be in a degree of shock at the moment, that's understandable. If he's just indifferent though, that really spellls out the state of your marriage.

Gosh. Is your DH a bit depressed? If he's so indifferent why hasn't he done something?

Really for you.

I did nearly end the marriage twice, earlier this year. But each time DH has talked me round saying to give it time.

OM is symptomatic of what is missing in the marriage, I can see that. And I have watched four marriages implode this year and do want to get ours back on track if it's possible. We went to Relate at the beginning of the year. OM clouded the issue for a while but is off the scene now.

We have two young children. That's why I know we should give it time as DH says.

But how much time? Especially if this is how he reacts to news my head was being seriously turned by someone else?

I asked my husband about something like this before and was shocked and a bit upset by his answer. He basically said if I wanted to go he would let me. He wouldn't want me staying with him if I didn't want to be. I was pretty hurt but I kind of get what he meant. If he had someone after him I would damn well fight for him though but I would keep my dignity. I am lucky in that he would never look at anyone else and I am very lucky he has stuck by me through some crappy stuff.

'DH has talked me round'

On the two occasions that you tried to leave, he talked you round. What did he say to make you stay?

And you want to know how much time you should give him to see if this will work out?

If you wanted to leave twice before, then you'll want to leave again I feel. Regardless of the children, if you don't want to be in this relationship, no amount of time will change that.

Especially if he appears to be indifferent about an emotional affair.

Do you think he is playing it 'cool' to see if you will actually leave?

This is going to sound harsh and I don't mean it to but try seeing things from his point of view....

He probably didn't have a clue what to say.

What did you want him to say? Beg? Plead? cry? Rant? Shout?

Were you expecting gratitude from him for not continuing with your relationship with the OM?

He's talked you round twice now. He's probably given up knowing what you want.

He went along to relate while you had a connection with the OM so he probably sees that as a waste of time.

You've lost his trust and he's probably completely at a loss as to what to do.

I really hope you can work it out.

So you've wanted to leave twice already and you've just had an emotional affair with someone else? I wouldn't be asking you to stay either. In fact if you were my partner I'd be telling you to pack your bags.

What have you done to get your marriage back on track? Other than having an emotional affair while wasting time at relate? And now you threaten a real life affair? "I am a sitting target for an affair" Seems to me you are pretty desperate for a shag with somebody else than your husband. If I were him, I would also fume into my paper and let you leave. This is not fair on neither nor your children.

Why the push me pull me games?

I'd be indifferent if I was him, I'd have expected it and be detached from you already nd be waiting for you to go.

Don't know why people feel sorry for you in this situation, it sounds like you are fucking with his head tbh.

I think Colourful and Callisto have a point. This isn't a romance novel, and expecting him to 'fight' for you and being miffed when he refuses to play is a bit unfair IMO. It sounds as though you both need to actually talk properly about where you want your marriage to go.

Thanks for your replies. I thought I'd get a bit more judged to be honest. But just so you know I couldn't feel more shit about myself, and all of this.

OM wasn't on the scene when we started Relate. He contacted me just after we started. Worst possible timing as we were at our lowest point and I was a sitting duck for someone like OM who wanted an ego massage and a perv at my pics on FB (as it turns out).

What do I want? A bit of emotion, I guess. A glimpse that he might still want me. It all comes down to needing to feel desired. DH and I live like friends. That's not a bad place to be but it's not enough, either. I need to be held once in a while. And since kids I've run out of energy to always be the one to freshen things up. DH admits he's happier than me to drift along, even when things clearly aren't right.

What's he said when he's talked me round? That he loves his little family (not me specifically but that's been ok with me as a start). That he wants us all to stay together. He thinks it will get better as the kids get older and we get some time to ourselves again.

He is, bascially, a really good, loyal man. I am, basically, a decent person too (despite what you might think). But we both deserve to feel loved and desired and special and I don't know how much longer I can keep holding out for that intimacy to hopefully return.

I'll tell him all of this tonight. It's everything I didn't say at Relate, despite the counselor telling me privately I should.

But how far do I go in what I tell him? That the way I feel right now, if another OM came along, I wouldn't resist. And in 21 years of being with OM I've been the harshest of judges on anyone else who's ever cheated.

Did you mean 21 years of being with your DH and is it sex you want and are not getting?

You dumped on him when you were going to relate, your marriage NEVER had a chance to fix itself when you were messing elsewhere.

I wouldn't expect dramatics from him, he maybe digusted, sick of the sight of you and want you to leave, I would.

This is your fault not his.

At the risk of sounding like a meany -

Maybe you have hurt his feelings. Maybe he thinks an EA on Facebook is a bit pathetic and therefore not worth giving you the drama you seem to require from the situation.

Have to say, I'd probably be acting like him if something like this happened to me. Maybe this has made him like you less, either temporarily or permanently and he doesn't feel like putting it all out there for someone who has been getting all worked up about someone on Facebook.

Give him time to think - surely its better than him kicking off and throwing ultimatums around or whatever it was you had envisaged.

In response the posters who see things as being so black and white, well I knew I'd get flamed by quite a few of you. And before all of this I'd have been all holier-than-thou too.

Carry on flaming if you like and telling me I should pack my bags. My kids would just love that, wouldn't they? I'm actually seeing if I can get my marriage back on track and stop any potential affair happening before it starts. So anyone with something actually constructive to say to help me with what's to come tonight, thanks in advance.

Well, you are drip feeding. Most people will not know your back story, and can only go by what you say in your op.

Oh behave and stop being a matyr if you wanted your marriage to work you would have not seen the OM emotionally and given relate a chance.

If you get told to pack you bags and it hurts your kids, it will be ALL your own doing for not being 100% committed to sorting out the marriage and going else where.

You have admitted you'd run off with OM given half the chance, so maybe you husband can see you for the selfish, indulgent, person you are trying to play games and fuck with his head.

No wonder he appears not to care,I'd just want shot of you tbh.

RudeEnlgishLady, and EA on FB is pathetic, it's a total cliche, you're right. I don't expect a medal for not entering into an affair. And if he needs time to digest this that's absolutely fine. I'm not going to be throwing any ultimatums at him. I just want to feel we both want things to improve, and to see what we can both do to try and make that happen. He says he wants things to get better but never does anything about it. It's always down to me.

If you want to get your marriage back on track then you need to be honest. All this 'I'm a sitting target for an affair' stuff has to stop. An affair is a choice, not a hole you fall in to. It is not an accident waiting to happen. If you want to focus on repairing your marriage, then do so. And you can't get all huffy because your DH hasn't given you the reaction you wanted. Either put in the effort or don't, but don't expect him to take responsibility for your actions.

if you want to leave your husband, that is one thing and doesn't necessarily need to involve anyone else, but you know how hard it would be on all of you. But if you are seriously unhappy that is an option.

Also, maybe you need to think about the reality of an affair-

You might get some more passion in your life, but you would also get a lot of stress, guilt, sneaking around and feeling like shit

and if something comes of it, splitting your family up, throwing in your lot with someone else, hoping they'll be a good father to your children

I think the fact that he has talked you out of leaving him twice shows that he still wants you, doesn't it? but yes, talk to him about how you feel. It's fair that he knows. He may be an undemonstrative person but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel emotion too. And life can be tough with young kids, there isn't much time for the two of you, but maybe you could make time, get a babysitter, go out a bit more? marriages have crap patches, it's a fact. You can get over them if you both want to.

emyloulou, congratulations on being such an upstanding model of how to do things right.

what a shame us mere mortals can't be like you.

flame, flame, flame...

Well, mostly you are the one in the wrong and want the change so I can see why he thinks you should be doing more of the work.

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