So it's all just come out about OM

[JustNotThatIntoMe]

It was an emotional affair. Some of you will know the background.

I closed down my FB account. That's where it started with OM. It didn 't end well. I used to love it on there and DH knows this so was suspicious.

TBH it was a relief to get it all out. But DHs reaction has made me question why I fought my feelings for OM. DH says he understands why it happened because he isn't being the husband I need him to be and he can't change the way he feels about me.

He then started to read the paper.

I have fought the most intense feelings for someone else and not acted on them. Why can't DH fight for me?

OM is not the answer, I know that. But I can't go on feeling so rejected. I am a sitting target for an affair.

We're going to talk tonight. I don't know what the hell to do.

Agree with chickens.

This all seems highly self indulgant to me.

You think he'd want to stay with a woman, who has threatened to leave him twice, had an EA, wants to control his emotions, wants to tell him she is a sitting duck for an affair and would leave with an OM given the chance. You wonder why he may not care for you anymore?

Now ladies turn that around to a bloke what words would we have, emotionally abusive, self indulgent, twat, ass hole, get rid, kick him out, don't give him head room.

I'd agree, and it should be no different for a woman. All this me, me, me I would have another affair given the chance and dumped on him during relate, shows no committment from you, he'd be well rid if he chucked you out. I'd never advocate someone continuing post affair when the guilty party is spouting that nonsense.

Chickens, and affair is a choice, you're right. I think I have got myself into a 'victim' mode of thinking and it's very dangerous. So thanks for pulling me up on that one.

Cat, the reality of an affair is why I have never gone there. I don't want to go there. But I need intimacy. Not even so much sex. Marriages have crap patches, you're right. But his year has been a terrible one on top of a few bad years trying to have children and it eroding our relationship.

Perhaps I should have given more background before posting, as someone said. Ironically I chose not to as I didn't want you thinking it was me trying to excuse what I allowed to happen to me this year.

I can't understand this 'sitting duck' thing you keep referring to.

It's as though you have no control over your own affairs, your own loyalties and decisions - nobody can make those for you.

It's not the other bloke's fault you chose to have an affair with him. You sound quite angry with your DH, and it doesn't sound as though your expectations of a relationship really match up.

Perhaps you would be better off apart - rather than you blaming him for your affairs, and him feeling terribly hurt by your actions and choices.

Could it work, practically speaking, if you were to separate? In terms of finances and houses etc.

Just, I think you're exactly right about the 'victim' mode. I also think seeing that is an important step in really making progress. Maybe it would help if you told him that? Just taking responsibility might make him engage more. Haven't we seen it a thousand times on these boards? Women angry because their H blames circumstances/the OW/the DC for his affair? You'll get his attention by being honest. I wish you luck.

OP - if you truly want your marriage to work, for him to show emotion towards you etc, then you have to tell him EVERYTHING tonight.

Just get it all out. By the sounds of it, you don't feel that you have that much to lose at this moment in time.

There is no point in trying to second guess him and how he will be with you in the furture, unless you give him the chance to know the truth and how you are feeling.

How you are feeling about him, about how he treats you, about how you feel there is no connection emotionally anymore.

BUT, this is about him too. You need to listen very carefully to what he says in reply. And value it.

Ok, you need intimacy but you didn't talk about that at the Relate sessions? when you were threatening to leave what did you tell him? do you still love him? if not could you get your feelings back on track?
He probably feels hurt by what has happened so far. It can't all be about him giving you what you need-it's a two way thing, he needs to know what's going on in your head and you need to work together to sort things out. Perhaps he needs to feel convinced that you feel the marriage is worth fighting for before he can make a reciprocal effort.

Speaking as the partner who has many times convinced her partner to stay in our relationship, I do feel empathy with your H, and he had his feelings further hurt by an online affair. My partner, has always expected me to do all the running and it is my job to 'fight' for him............

It's not very equal is it?

Be kind to him, he has already had to talk you round to staying with him twice. And, as you say you really want to make your marriage work, then I do think the ball is more in your court - even though it does take two, of course!!!!!!!

Ok, I kind of knew this is what I'd hear so I'm going to duck out and work out what to say to DH tonight.

I guess this is the point where I could turn it around in your eyes to say I've read your replies and am in tears at your responses.

Well seeing as I have been labeled an indulgent, selfish twat I'm happy to live up to expectations and to report dry eyes and a fresh conviction to sort this out on my own.

How wonderful for those of you with such perfect, perfect judgement at every turn in your lives.

You should all go and be Relate counselors where you fold your arms and tell it like it is as save us all the repeat appointments.

You sound like bloody hard work actually.

I hope you show your husband a different attitude than you have shown us, and our opinions, tonight, if he manages to get a say. Please take on board what he says, rather than go into defence mode and shoot crap back at him.

I agree with QS.

He has talked you round twice before. Perhaps he now thinks bollocks to it.

I think it is very telling that you say 'I am waiting for me head to be turned by an affair'. That seems a very passive response, as if if you had an affair it wouldn't be your fault.

Evdently you want you husband to be something he is not - perhaps give you more attention or something. However it would seem that you have not been giving him any attention, being on facebook talking to someone else.

I would think that you want to leave, but want him to beg you to stay.

My response would be the same as his i think.

what did you want to hear?
i thought you wanted to try and avoid an affair and save your marriage-is that what you want?

it's good that you're going to sort it out on your own but what did you want MN to tell you? I am genuinely curious

How strange.

OP - I did try to help. I think a lot of us did. Without meaning to get at you.

But again you've made it so that you're the victim. We're all 'perfect' and judging you and so on and so on - who's to say some of us haven't behaved as you are ourselves? You have no idea.

We're just trying to help untangle what's clearly a very confusing situation for you, by pointing out how it looks from the other side.

It seems you're not ready to question your own behaviour though, which is a shame as until you are ready to address your own part in this marriage it isn't going to have a chance of working.

Well, at the end of the day, you did make a choice to get involved with another man. That is your fault. And you need to own that mistake.

It sounds like your husband either doesn't love you but doesn't want to split up (split the money, have limited access to the children..) or you have hurt him badly and he is trying to hurt you back or has shut down emotionally to protect himself from further hurt.

Whatever you feel he should have done to stop you from straying - that's classic 'affair' mentality.

If she had not let herself go... the other woman threw herself at me... she doesn't understand me...

You see?

And you didn't allow it to happen to you. You allowed yourself to do it. It's very important that you understand and accept that if you are to fight for your marriage.

You're not perfect, who is? You're human. As are the men who have affairs and trot out the reason why it was their wife who caused them to look elsewhere. You've fucked up. It happens. It doesn't make you an evil person, beyond redemption. It does make you the one who has to go all out to save your marriage! Doing whatever he wants or needs you to do. But he's also got to change whatever it was that left you feeling so alone and neglected and desperate for someone to want you. God knows, I know how that feels. How it feels to be married to someone who feels more like a flatmate / co-parent than husband. Who treats you more like a flatmate / co-parent. God it is painful when the one person who should want you - doesn't.

But you must still own your choices. You made them. They belong to you.

I really hope your talk goes well tonight. You want to fight to get your marriage back - I hope your husband does too.

Stop feeling so sorry for yourself - you KNEW you would get flamed for your post, you even said so, and when the flaming happened you became the victim and lashed out at posters giving their opinion on your question "why can't DH fight for me?"

Nobody is saying they are perfect. But you keep saying you were a sitting duck for an affair - why? You had control over that. As you even said yourself, it was a choice you made. You were not helpless.

Last year my husband did to me what you have done to your husband so yes I would say all that, wouldn't I? I felt pretty much the same as your DH appears to feel towards you in the end. He had disrespected me and made me feel like a worthless piece of crap. Why fight for someone who is fighting to leave?

TALK, TALK and TALK some more to your DH and acknowledge that your actions will have hurt him. You will then be justified in talking to him about him hurting YOUR feelings. As it is, the threat of you leaving is hanging over his head.

There there JustNotThatIntoMe How simply horrible of your dh to not drop on his knees and beg you to love and respect him, it must be so hard to be victim of an EA not that you had a choice or anything.

You came on asking for advice and when lots of posters said "hang on, try looking at this from your husband's point of view" you threw your toys out of the pram.

You have to take responsibility for your own actions and your own decisions and stop making excuses. You chose to have an EA with the OM, no one forced you to. You say you are a sitting duck for an affair - you will only have an affair if you want to. It really is that basic.

You are not the wronged party here so stop acting like it. It's just so lame.

op what exactly is the missing intimacy you speak of? Do you mean he just doesn't talk to you anymore? Do you feel you are drifting apart?

Marriage is hard work sometimes. I knew when I married dh it wouldn't be all wine and roses, especially when we started a family. That's why it's important to have a bit of a life together before having kids, build up a nice memory bank of the two of you. It can keep you going when your reality is all about kids, work and bills. It's also good to get some adult time now and again. Is your dh just happy to cruise along, is that the issue?

I'm not really sure exactly what you mean? When he was twice talking you into staying, was he not telling you and showing you then how much you mean to him?

I agree with the other posters.

Imagine if one of your friends was telling you this:

• that they are planning on having an affair (saying you're a "sitting duck" is just trying to remove responsibility from yourself)
• that you keep on planning to leave your DH
• that you feel there's a lack of intimacy, but don't want to do anything about it because you're too tired

You are playing the victim, and are an attention seeker. If it's hard to hear - it's because it's the truth. I don't think any of the other posters on here came and said "I'm super perfect, so is my relationship so I'm going to tell you what to do". I know about the attention-seeking behaviour, because I do it myself - I know the thrill of it.

And I agree with Hecate - your DH's non response is probably down to him shutting down emotionally to protect himself. Have you ever thought about what he wants and needs from this relationship, rather than what you want?

Look, I know you are cross with us but I think you will come to see this as a very valuable exercise. Better to have spouted all this to the internet than to your husband, where i suspect it would have gone down like a lead balloon!

Trust me - your justifications for your situation are way out of line and I think you'll come to see that. I don't need to be perfect or clever to tell you that.

I feel like you are focussing on having some big powwow tonight. Bear in mind DH might not want to talk yet. Why not make him a cup of tea and then let him take the lead on that. Keep posting on here, tell your mates or write it down if you have stuff you have to get out.

If it makes you feel better - I have done loads of dumb stuff. Its a learning opportunity!

You are not a victim or a martyr, you sound like you are actually quite passive aggressive and as if you are deliberately acting out to get your husband's attention.

All this 'sitting duck' talk infers that it's your husband's fault for not being interested enough in you. Not so. While it may be true that your husband isn't interested in you at the moment, it doesn't mean he's responsible for the way you chose to behave with the OM.

How would you feel if it was reversed? If he had had the EA and threatened to leave you twice? Would you feel inclined to declare undying love and beg and plead with him to stay or would your defenses be up and would you have shut down emotionally to avoid any more hurt.?

You've got to start taking responsibility for your actions and the part you have played in your marriage getting to this point. If your husband isn't meeting your needs, then you need to address that in a mature way, not start a vengeful 'well fuck you, if you don't want me someone else will' emotional affair.

I think the fact that so many posters on here have said similar things is a sign that you should definitely examine your behaviour in this respect. I don't think people are looking to judge but you obviously know you're going wrong somewhere yet seem unable to accept that your actions and choices are part of the reason why.

It sounds like you still have a chance to save your marriage, which is a positive thing. I do wish you good luck.

Drama Queen.

Thank you to those of you who have made insightful comments. You've made me think and helped me to see where I need to go with this when we get the chance to talk tonight.

And thank you to those who called me a twat etc. Seriously. It made me think I need to ask DH if this is how he sees me.

Ultimately, it's his opinion that matters.

So I've actually just shown him this thread.

His response? That only we know what has lead us to this point (I would have given more background but I was already up in flames by then so saw little point) and he can still see why I was vulnerable to the charm offensive on offer by OM. He thinks you lot are harsh judges. And he doesn't think I'm a twat.

Sorry to disappoint.

Looks like I won't be packing my bags.

Thank you to those of you who messaged me privately. I haven't had an opportunity to read yet but I will do this evening and I really appreciate your time.