So it's all just come out about OM

[JustNotThatIntoMe]

It was an emotional affair. Some of you will know the background.

I closed down my FB account. That's where it started with OM. It didn 't end well. I used to love it on there and DH knows this so was suspicious.

TBH it was a relief to get it all out. But DHs reaction has made me question why I fought my feelings for OM. DH says he understands why it happened because he isn't being the husband I need him to be and he can't change the way he feels about me.

He then started to read the paper.

I have fought the most intense feelings for someone else and not acted on them. Why can't DH fight for me?

OM is not the answer, I know that. But I can't go on feeling so rejected. I am a sitting target for an affair.

We're going to talk tonight. I don't know what the hell to do.

Who called you a twat not me? I said if thi were a bloke that's what you'd be called.

Tbh they'd be right. Hopefully your hubby will see the Drama Queen that you are and meet someone else who isn't so emotionally abusive.

You are abusive, I'll give you that, he desreves better.

Why do you keep saying you are sorry to disappoint us, eg because your husband doesn't think you are a twat, because you won't be packing your bags? If "only we know what has lead us to this point" then why did you need to post here? You could have just cut out the middlewomen and just spoken to eachother in the first place. Not so much drama doing that, though.

i guess people judge on what you tell them...if you don't tell the whole story there is a danger of being judged harshly. I think that's something you just have to accept on MN.

On the plus side, sounds like your dh is a pretty understanding sort of bloke. I hope you two manage to sort things out between you.

emmyloulou - why are you name-calling?

I think lots of these responses have been unbelievably harsh on the OP.

Get off your high horses!

JustNotThatIntoMe - Now that your DH knows about the EA at least you can move forward in complete honesty now, whether that means eventually saving your marriage or realising it isn't worth saving.

Also, all of those posters who have accused OP of being passive; well look at her DH's response to her admission of an EA. It's passive in the extreme. And he even admits he hasn't been the husband he needs to be.

OP, what does he mean when he says he can't change his feelings for you? What is he saying those feelings are?

I don't think the OP is saying she has been blameless in any of this.

justnot - ask your DH what he thinks the problems in your relationship are; is he always so emotionally unavailable or do you think it is a result of the hurt he is feeling?

What is your gut telling you about the state of your relationship?

I'm sorry you've been judged so harshly when you came on asking for help. Hope you find a way forwards with DH, or at least that you start to figure out what your future together will or won't be.

I'm not name calling, do read my posts.

I called her abusive, she is. Self indulgent, threatening to walk out on her husband every 5 mins and threatening to drop he knicks and have an affair any second if he does not wail and scream to keep her after her EA.

If that's not the emotional abuse, I don't know what is, poor bloke.

OFC he is passive she is threatening to trash the family evey 5 mins and threatening an affair which will be his fault as she is so helpless. Why wouldn't he be passive. The girl who cried wolf and all that.

Oh jeez. Well there we go, we were all wrong and the husband is happy enough...

ever feel like you're being played off? I'm not going to take part in any more game playing, OP - over to you and your husband to carry on by yourselves.

This is so similar to another thread where the OP wanted to be told only what she wanted to hear and not the uncomfortable truth.
Wish her husband luck, it sounds like he needs it!

But maybe you should have asked more questions of her - some posters were very quick to judge.

I think most OPs on these relationship threads are posting out of desperation, sadness, loneliness, not being able to talk to someone in RL - and it's very hard to get anywhere to helping them or getting to the crux of a problem when other MNetters are so quick to attack.

Now you've scared the OP off and who of us really knows the story of her relationship with her DH? Who knows what really led her to the EA (and it didn't go further than that)? We don't because we didn't really give her a chance. No wonder she got upset.

This should be a forum in which anonymous posters can explore what's going wrong, try and find answers, get support, yes and be self-critical too - but not be subjected to knee-jerk responses that don't help anyone.

I don't think the OP was claiming to be a faultless in all this.

Anyway, that's my penny's worth.

I am sure that despite the kind words of some of the harridans on here the OPs husband is perfectly capable of looking after himself. Most men are.

EmmyLou - you sound a bit demented to be honest. You are responding as though the OP is an axe-murderer as well as having seduced an entire choir school.

A little crush on facebook is hardly worthy of a public stoning - good grief whatever next - are we in Saudi Arabia or somewhere? Thank god for secret crushes. Marriage does get boring after 20 or so years. No doubt the OPs husband will decide how he wishes to live his life without any help from anyone else. He is a grown-up after all. Perhaps he has had a few secret little crushes too!

I doubt the Relate counsellor will be falling off his/her chair over this, even if the MN coterie have got themselves into a lather of public indignation and self-righteousness.

OP - it is hard not to act on feelings, although no-one will give you a medal for it. Up to you I guess to explore whether you can get your needs met within the marriage and how much you are prepared to compromise.

Op are you my friend in RL, because if not then your story is spookily similar.

Exact same scenario, my friend is a huge drama queen, always wanting to be centre of attention, demanding of her DH, woe is me attitude, but underneath all that a basically decent girl who is needy emotionally.

I hope you can sort out your problems with DH if you want to, but you must come clean about all the details. I told my friend this as she has only claimed EA to hubby but I know she has slept with OM. I feel this knowledge will eat away at her if she doesn't make it known. RL friend also admits her feelings for OM are stronger than those for DH.

As someone who is beginning to heal from devastating marriage breakup this past year, where lie upon lie was told, I know honesty is the best way forward whatever the outcome.

I wish my ex had given me the chance to fight for him by coming clean about his feelings and subsequent affair, instead of chosing the path he did by cheating for so long it was too late for me.

OP you have given your DH that chance, it is up to him now as to whether he wants to rebuild his damaged relationship with you. If that is not what he wants you cannot blame him only yourself.

Ok, I've had time to read these posts properly this evening.

I did get defensive. It is hard hearing stuff about yourself. Of course, you don't know the back story and so you judge from what little I've told you, and while some of what you said WAS harsh (if you knew the whole story) there was other stuff that was picked up on very quickly that does have truth in it.

Two things really hit home:

I'm acting like the victim and being passive. You're right. I know what lead to all this but ultimately it's not a justification (though I can see I have been using it as such) and nobody put a gun to my head to force me into an emotional affair. It's really made me think about the kind of person I have become that many of you pulled me up on the 'sitting duck' thing, as basically talking like that is like giving myself permission to go into a full blown affair. I needed to hear that, even if I didn't like it.

Second thing that really got me thinking today was the feedback that I'm attention-seeking and a drama queen. Too many people in too short a space of time have said this about me now - there has to be truth in it. OM even said it. It's a very hard thing to hear and obviously not a trait that's attractive. I don't think I have always been like this - certainly never heard anyone say stuff like this about me - it probably ties in with DCs coming along. I struggle with being at home with two under 2.5. During Relate DH admitted he feels he has lost the person he married who was on a level with him financially career wise. Perhaps I am subconsciously looking for other ways to get attention and validation for who I am as the stay at home mother of two small children.

So that's what today helped me to glean. I have no idea how I can change my attention-seeking behaviour but I can, at least, stop with the whole victim mentality and start to be more proactive in getting my marriage back on track.

I haven't updated on the talk with DH as I wanted to address some of the stuff that was leveled at me here first. I will, if anyone is interested. But mainly I just wanted to come back and say I did take on board some of the stuff that was said.

Good for you JNTIM

Props to you, Just, for coming back and holding your hands up :) I hope the talk went well and that you can get things back on an even keel.

PS. certainly never heard anyone say stuff like this about me before kids

MM and Tadpoles - thanks for your support.

JNTIM, I think people are interested in how your talk with DH went, you got strong reactions I think because people feel strongly about you, your behaviour and your DH

Kudos to you for accepting some of the criticism, however

I applaud your honesty and self criticism.

I hope you manage to get your marriage and yourself back on track.

Bloody well done you. I am very impressed by your ability to hear some hard stuff and actually consider it. I'm sure if you put that level of work into sorting things out, and that your husband can too, then you will get there. Best of luck to you.

If you love 2 people, stick with the second because if you truly loved the first it would never have happened.

That is a lot of toss Alousie

I don't agree with that either, Al

you could just as easily say "stick with the first one, because the second is just a silly infatuation that won't last the test of time"

astonished how your amoral and me-me behaviour is allegedly dh fault.no one makes you sitting target for anything.no one compels you to be duplicitous. you are responsible for your own actions

you come across as needy and attention seeking.manipulating a confrontation and situation.and then wringing hands as if poor widdle you

Alouis That is bollocks. You live in a fairy tale. Hope it lasts.

Good for you Op, criticism is hard to take so you are making a good start. Wishing you lots of luck.