The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Players and Supporters Bus

[venusandmars]

Hi I am venus and I am an alcoholic.

Thanks to the first thread by Jesuswhatnow I have not had a drink for a long time.

There are lots of us on here, please lurk, post, whatever does it for you. If you are worried about how much you drink and your inability to stop when you want to, then someone on here can probably understand.

I'm with you Dipso, been determined not to drink all day today but had really stressful/busy day at work so convinced myself I 'deserved' it - excuses I know.

Zany good for you for posting before you have a drink. It seems like madness now that I told myself I could have one...

What are you doing tonight?

Unfortunately I'm on my second

Not up to much except sort DC out, bath and chilling on the sofa.

I've had a drink every day since Thursday. That's the problem...once you taste it you just want more and more and more. I can't even work up the desire to WANT to stop. I think the problem is that I'm being careful not to drink enough to elicit a hangover the next day, so there are no feelings of remorse the next day, just the memory of an enjoyable night.

But I know I am killing my poor body.

dipso you wanted a drink because for years (probably) that has been your response to any stressful situation - whether it was difficult stress or exciting stress, or stress due to boredom. Do not beat yourself about about how you felt or what you did - if you've been practicing that habit for years then you've probably become very good at it, an expert drinker.

Now might be the time to change the habit and to find something that is a more helpful response to the ups and downs of life. You have done a very difficult thing tonight - pouring that bottle away (and I agree, it does smell horrid). What is your favourite way to indulge yourself? Reward yourself for what you managed to do, and just enjoy the peace of the evening.

embracing I think it will be difficult if you don't WANT to stop. Although there is something in your posts that makes me think that is not the whole picture.

Is there something better that you could move towards? Something you deeply, deeply desire that would be worth giving up for?

What type of things usually make you want to change aspects of your life (change job, get a radical hair cut, end a relationship etc?)- is it when you get very, very fed up with the current situation or is it becuse you want the new thing enough to put up with the disruption of change?

zany can you tell me whether you are really enjoying that glass? Is it helping you relax, is it making you feel indulged?

I ask because I can distinctly recall sitting with a glass of wine beside me, and also a mug of herbal tea (so that if dp came home I could pretend I was drinking the tea, and hide the wine). I wandered off then came back and picked up the tea by mistake, I was halfway through it before I realised that I hadn't even noticed. The wine was doing nothing for me, I was just senselessly gulping it. Didn't stop me opening another bottle the next night, but it does remind me of the madness of my drinking.

Just popping on whist guests go off to get the take away with DH.

I'm still alive!!

I see we have some wobblers this evening. Listen to venus Brave Babes, she is talking a) from the heart and b) sense!

If you want to stop drinking then STOP.

It REALLY is that simple.

venus it's usually when the current situation feels so bad that I want it to change more than anything.

With work, it was when I felt so threatened with a colleague that it prompted me to do a postgraduate diploma and start doing things to enhance my career prospects.

With my relationship it took him to dump me to realise I had let myself go and spend a couple of thousand (at least!) on a new image.

With drinking it was a hangover from hell where I was unable to deal with my kids the next day, and I felt so guilty that I stopped drinking for a (little) while.

Obviously, the memory of that hangover has faded.

You're right about there being more to the story. You really are so clever, Venus. I carry on only because I think to myself that will stop before the end of the year. If I thought that I would carry on abusing my body like this, drinking and smoking until it killed me, I would stop right now. But I think I am too intelligent for that.

More fool me, I guess.(Oh, bloody hell, I can imagine MIFLAW's response, and I REALLY don't want to hear it!)

Sorry I'm not eloquent like Venus, but you CAN stop IF you want to. It's not easy and you have to treat it like a project.

Plan your days around not drinking like you used to plan yor drinking, just as you would always have your alcoholic drink in the house, now keep a selection of soft drinks in the house.

Decide what you are going to drink before you go out with friends, take it with you if you are going to their house.

Plan activities to keep you busy in the evenings, baking, crafting, board games, puzzle I mean blimey even JWN is making bunting
Stick with the bus and use RL resources as well - partners friends, GP, AA whatever.
Come on Babes you can do it IF you want to.

I enjoyed the first 2 glasses venus but now every "gulp" sip is like drinking guilt because once again I have been too weak willed to not drink.

I spend the day with thoughts in my head about how my day will continue once I have collected the DC's from school and its usually full of chores, boring but ones that need doing, and getting my life sorted by paying bills and just being organised.

In reality I sit nursing the wine and dont do any of the things I need to do so I end up feeling guilty for all my 'chores' that I have left for another night.

Just don't have the willpower to not pick up that first glass, sometimes I do but then other times I think sod it, I'm fine to drink

I'm going to run myself a lovely hot bath venus and have a cup of fruit tea. Not something I normally do in the evenings (usually a quick shower in the morning) but
I want to be nice to myself. Old habits die hard, you are right.

Zany, no doubt you'll finish the bottle but don't make it another one will you? At least we're all here talking to eachother and not hiding away. Have a lovely evening mouse and hope little Nemo is OK.

I used to drink because I had low self-estemm and was lonely. I've had counselling and I now feel that I am amazing, and yet nobody else seems to notice! I'm still lonely and unfulfilled. So I drink.

Yes, I've started a new hobby. (Two,actually!)

I've started going out more than I ever have in my whole entire life.

But I'm still lonely.

As we all saw spectacularly it took me to hit crisis point before I did something about it. Please don't let it get that bad - becuase it almost certainly will.

Not only was I not in control of the alcohol I was losing control of the other things - what other things are you losing? A decent night's sleep (it only helps you get to sleep, it ruins the rest of the night), the money, the ability to do anything else in the evenings?? Try and bottle that feeling up so you can draw it out at any time instead of the other type of bottle.

Dipso seriously well done for pouring the rest away. That takes will power.

ETT I have been drinking because I was lonely but it has only made me more lonely.

Well my dr's appointment was successful because I have a detoxing regime that my 'D'P is looking after and letting me have half a day's at a time.

Then we had the big chat. We are just going to be friends - a lot of factors, not just the alcohol, but the one that I can't fix is the fact I have my DD all the time and her father won't see her and he finds this tough.
However he listened to me like he never has before and is willing to help me get through this in any way he can. We won't have a physical relationship but can see if we can fall back in love with each other again (not sure it ever stopped for me). I can live with this, I think, for now at least. He has forgiven me and is supporting me. That's all I can ask for. I love him though so going to have to deal with that.

Am heading for bed pretty soon - here's to a day of sobriety for those that have managed it and anyone else, will be here for you tomorrow.

noteven Great to read your post. You have risen to the most monumental challenge. I am so glad that 'D'P is there to support you. The future is yours for the taking and who knows what that might bring.

So glad to read you're feeling so much better noteven. It must be tough with DP but it's nice he's supporting you. Sleep well tonight. If you feel amazing ETT I'm sure other people do notice. Why do you feel lonely? I've lobstered myself in the bath and am going to fall into bed. I wish I hadn't had those two glasses, but hey, it could have been a whole lot worse.

Nite nite wobblers and not-wobblers, see you tomorrow.

Brilliant new Noteven just take one step at at time, you;ll get there

Dipso already opened another

Embracing I get what you mean about being lonely, my last relationship was horrific so I felt lonely even though I was with someone and to be honest even though I have lots of amazing friends and a date on the horizon I still feel very very lonely

Hi ya,

sorry i am just posting without reading the latest posts, (have a sort of understanding where you all are) Well done to all of you who are doing well and big come on! to all that have slipped like me! I just can't get a grip at the mo and am disgusted with myself but must try harder. keep at it and I'll try too!

Steam I know what you mean I constantly feel disgusted that I can't do it. I mean how hard can it be FFS to not have a drink!

Obviously too hard for me at the mo

I agree with wasindie it is really hard. Too hard for me to do by myself, that's for sure.

Day 3 here.
"DP" is bringing me two doses of medication for today on his way to work. We talked rather than AA last night so I am going to a lunchtime meeting today. Going to get a taxi as though it's expensive it's cheaper than the wine. Have to go to take DD to nursery and take my sick note in to work which I am petrified about. By then this dose of medication should be working so it'll just be "normal" panic.

Have to run more later.

You're doing great noteven and you are so right, a taxi to an AA meeting is a better investment today than sepnding it on some booze.

To anyone who is beating themselves up about 'not being strong enough' to stop, or 'not having the willpower', then please be gentler with yourself. If you have been using alcohol for a long time then it will be very difficult to stop using willpower alone. The lovely MIFLAW says, 'it is no easier to control your drinking than it is to control diarrhea'.

So what does it take then? Well I agree with mouseface on this - somewhere deep inside you have to really, really want to stop. Whether that wanting comes from a clear vision of having someone/something else to live for, or the deep longing for a better, happier life (which you know you won't get from alcohol), or whether it is because you are just completely sick of how your life is playing out right now. It doesn't matter what the motivation is, but have a look and see what you can find that is motivating you to take action. Because I do believe that everyone who is on here has that little speck of motivation right now, at this time iun their lives, otherwise you'd have looked at this thread and told the thread (and all on it) to fuck the fuck off! Yet here we all are, coming back again and again, reading and lokking for inspiration, supporting other people and pouring our own hearts out. This is our time. There will be others, but this is one of the opportunities, don't miss the bus x

PS. Loved the idea of wasindie getting all dressed up for meeting with clients then taking them for a wet ride at a theme park

wasindie Hope you have a safe journey ther and back. Not sure if you will read this before dinner this evening but why not decide that you are approaching this meal entirely differently from usual - decide now what drink you will order before dinner, decide now what you will drink with your dinner, take time to observe those you are dining with, have coffee or a hot decaff drink at the end of the meal put something in your pocket that reminds you of DP and DTs and touch it when ever you think of ordering an alcoholic drink. Think of it as just a few strategic steps from start to bed. It is hard but you have done it before.

noteven I have every respect for you in getting DD to nursery and in seeing your de-tox through. Hope AA is helpful and 'D'P is clearly being a support and the friend that you need right now. Re-sicknote: you have been very ill, the GP agrees.