Help! Am I getting prepped to be dumped?

[Nogoodatthis]

Been seeing a wonderful guy for about 6 weeks now. He's very kind, affectionate, considerate, sex is the best I've ever had... but he's not very engaged I suppose is the best way I can put it. Like, he never really asks me things about me or what I'm thinking, we banter and get on great but don't really scratch the surface - hopes dreams, etc.

Anyway, saw him last night, was great, he cooked for me, we made love twice, watched a movie, etc. But this morning when we were getting ready together for work, it was really subtle but I felt like he wasn't as affectionate as usual, he felt a bit detached. It sounds silly but normally as I'm brushing my teeth he'd come and hug me from behind or as we're passing each other in the doorway he'll give me a quick squeeze but there was none of that this morning. I felt like I was making all the moves and being a bit clingy. As we were leaving his flat for work, we normally kiss at the gates and agree the next date that we'll see each other. We'd already spoken about meeting on Thursday so he kissed me really passionately as usual but then was all, "So I'll see you Thursday then, PROBABLY, as I just remembered I've got to take my car to the garage..." blah blah blah.

So I'm thinking 'probably'?! It's gone from the previous night's conversation of definitely seeing each other on Thursday to now probably seeing me Thursday? What does that mean? Sounds like he's setting himself up for a get out clause nearer the time right? If I don't see him on Thursday then I won't see him for ages because he's taking his kids on holiday all of next week.

Also, yesterday he was going on about how stressed he was about being so disorganised and how he had so much to do around the house, packing for the holiday, plus he's got a business trip this week, etc, etc. And the whole time I'm thinking 'is this a way of him saying he's too busy to see me?'

Am I just being really selfish and insecure? Or does it sound to you like he's cooling off and is trying to signal to me he wants some space?

I've been very good, I'm not the sort of person who texts him 10 times a day or anything, I guess I just feel really insecure because I don't know where I stand and we're about to have a long period apart and I know I'll really miss him but I actually don't really have any idea how he feels about me.

What would you do? Should I see whether he does in fact bail on me on Thursday or should I call him before then and talk to him about how I'm feeling?

Sorry this is long.

I would try not to worry, he sounds like he has his mind on other things. I wouldn't call him and talk about how you feel no.

You could call him for a friendly chat or offer to help him with anything for going away he needs help with? But don't bring up how you feel imo.

i'm not sure what you should do, but it does sound like he has a lot on his plate. It's not unknown for a parent who is dating to suddenly realise that although their partner is wonderful, and nothing is wrong with the relationship, they are just exhausted by the demands they already face and frankly, don't have much time for the partner.

iyswim

it's no criticism of you if he feels this way.
Do you have kids, too?

Yoi do sound very insecure, and tbh like you have too much invested in a relationship that is only 6 weeks old

6 weeks is too short a time to be stressing about his other commitments. You can't expect to be a top priority at this stage, but at the same time if it is going to go somewhere, you can't be bottom of the pile either.

Relax. Wait until Thursday, see what it does or doesn't bring, and go from there. Then you decide whether or not you're happy to continue in this relationship, knowing that he hasn't yet opened up, and has more important commitments right now.

He writes: lots going on with my holiday coming up. Got a shag twice last night though

I think your over thinking this.

No, I don't have kids, so I feel like I'm passively fitting into his life iyswim - which I don't mind because I love spending time with him and I want to make it easy for him, but at the same time I don't want to look like a: I'm a push over at his beck and call or b: that I'm not that bothered about him and only see him when he asks to see me cos I'm not doing anything else.

I don't want to be a high maintenance burden or another thing for him to have to worry about, but I would like to feel a bit more secure.

Now that we've had an intense month of seeing each other, being on best behaviour and very little sleep cos of shagging, he does seem overwhelmed by 'life admin' stuff which has fallen by the wayside while we've been dating and I think he's just exhausted. I should just keep on being supportive and chilled out right?

The bit in your OP about the level of conversation while having all this fabulous sex, well, that worries me a bit - it sounds as though he isnt that focused on you as a long term prospect, and the fact you're also picking this up from his subtle signals makes me think it's true.

Maybe he is more interested in having a shallow-ish, very good sexual relationship with you, but not actually integrating you into his life permanently?

How would you feel about that?

I am very insecure, I do know that. And I do agree with the poster who says I am perhaps investing too much in what is a still very young relationship. I am trying so hard not to, which is why MN is so great because I can come on here and go to pieces instead of acting crazy in real life!

Thank you for all your perspecives so far, I appreciate it.

Yes Ennis, nail on the head. I don't think I'd be very happy with that to be honest as I'm looking for a proper relationship, I don't want to be someone's sex buddy.

I'm not expecting him to get down on one knee at this stage but I would like to feel like we were headed towards sharing more of our lives with one another.

Oh fuck. What should I do?

i would neither talk to him about how you're feeling (6 weeks is too early for this, your feelings should be kept close a while longer) nor wait around for him to bail on you. I would call him and tell him you are going out with your friends on Thursday.

And, to be honest, if he's not very engaged after 6 weeks, you're flogging a dead horse and I would suggest finding a live one.

I would reiterate the point that others have made.

6 weeks is not very long, it's a month and a half. If you were still a bit worried in two or three months, maybe, but this is very early.

Chill & enjoy it & don't put your life on hold either. Sounds like you're both enjoying the heady rush but RL/other responsibilities are calling at the moment.

Aw,nogoodatthis, you are from the "new boyfriends" thread arent you?

i really wouldnt worry- ALTHOUGH- i am also paranoid at the moment, i was meant to spend the whole weekend with new man(ie fri night til sun night- were meant to be going out in london), it then turned into only 3 or 4hrs on saturday, then i didnt hear a word from him all of yesterday/last night which is very unusual. :-(
Then got a strange text at midnight saying "shouldnt you be in bed??" which i dont understand!!
So i am quite worried. However, on Saturday i started saying "i dont think this is really working" and he got really stroppy and kept accusing me of using him for sex!

GOd almighty, get a hold of yourself. If you are this needy and desperate, you are going to scare off decent men (most sensible, stable people are still taking it one step at a time in a relationship after 6 weeks) and make yourself attractive to nasty ones - there is nothing a controlling abuser likes more than a woman who is so gagging to be In A Relationship that she will put up with any old crap not to be single.

Yeah allgone, it's me from that thread. Still banging on about the same old thing!

Am hearing a couple of harsh home truths here about whether he sees me as a potential long term prospect or not. But I guess maybe it's too early to expect him to be able to tell yet. It feels like I've been seeing him a lot longer than 6 weeks, but I also think that I need to have word with myself about getting so invested so quickly. There's obviously a big issue with me around insecurity that I want to have all the answers and our future 'locked down' before we've even hit the two month mark.

I think I need to work on my self esteem outside of being in a relationship. I certainly hate feeling like this right now; amd it's not him that's making me feel this way, it's me doing it to myself. Maybe it's a good thing he's going away as it will force me to 'reclaim' myself and not obssess over his every text message. I don't want to be this type of person. It's not healthy and it's not going to get me anywhere.

allgone, why did you only end up seeing him for a few hours on Saturday? I have to say that that would ring alarm bells for me. I mean, I know that's not saying much because I appear to be an unstable loon in this thread! I wouldn't be happy with his strops either, that doesn't sound like something you need to be dealing with in a new relationship.

Thanks SGB, I needed to hear that.

nogood - he forgot he had to go out for his mates b-day the friday night, then he got badly hungover and didnt get to mine til 7pm on the sat, but tbh i have done the same to him when hungover.
Then he had to spend a day with his relatives on the sunday morning earlyish so didnt stay over at mine sat night.
im not that worried about all that though, tbh, originally i was, but now i realise he has to drive for an hour to my house and he does do this a lot just to see me.
He is constantly paranoid i am using him for sex though!! Which is not true!

has he introduced you to any of his friends/family? I find that to be a good indicator of whether or not they see you as a keeper (or vice versa).

(i have met some of his friends but none of his family yet.)

Not sure about nogoodatthis?!

How can you decide whether or not you see him as a long term prospect after only 6 weeks and no in depth conversation?
It sounds as though you have decided he's someone you'd settle down with whilst still hardly knowing him.
Agree with other who say take things slowly and arrange your own social life etc as well as seeing him. Having a boyfriend doesn't mean putting your life on hold.
Someone who expected me to fuss over them on a morning when getting ready for work would be very disappointed.
It may be that he's backing off a bit, but if so you clinging won't help and if his feelings are reducing then there's not much you can do, although it's too early to tell how he really feels, and he may really need to get his car sorted and that be the best day for it and just have had other things on his mind this morning.

No we haven't done friends or family yet, although he's told his mum about me.

I understand he needs to be discreet because of possiblity of stuff getting back to the kids, via his ex or ex's family etc. Could be awkward when we're so new and don't yet know whether it's permanent or anything.

He doesn't want ex to know anything about what's going on in his personal life. I kind of understand because I feel the same way about my ex, but the difference is I can choose to just never see my ex again, he will have to have a relationship with his ex for the rest of his life because of the kids so I do feel insecure that I'm a secret right now. It is a barrier to me being properly involved in his life but I do understand that it's very early days so he doesn't want to rock the boat if he doesn't have to iyswim?

Have you had any kind of conversation that implied whether you and him would be a fling or not?
When i had been seeing my bloke for about 3 weeks i told him that i would hopefully be working abroad from next April (was one of my plans) and he went all quiet, then it was time for him to go home.
When he got home he texted me to say he needed to have a rethink about things as he didnt want to start seeing me just for me to disappear next spring.
i did suggest we could be "fuck buddies" until then, but he said no, he wouuld rather have all or nothing.
So i took this to mean he wanted something fairly longterm ish.

Have you had any chats like this?

No we haven't really spoken about whether we're a fling or not. We were talking about our romantic histories - first bf/gf, how many long term relationships we'd both been in, etc. He said he'd had a couple of long term relationships (one of whom was the mother of his children) and a few shorter term things and I light heartedly said "I wonder what I will turn out to be...?" and then he light heartedly said; "I don't know, if only we had a crystal ball...".

But this was only about two weeks after we first started seeing each other.

I don't think you are over thinking this. I think that you have to trust your gut instinct. I too have felt this so many times.. and have often been left wondering after where on earth it all went wrong - but the signs were there in hindsight.

The best piece of advice I ever had was that if a bloke wants to be with you, they make damn sure that you know it. They really are quite simple straightforward creatures.

Trust your gut instinct because I promise you, when the relationship is right that instinct is NOT there, gnawing away.

Look after and put yourself first.

Back off, don't contact him at all and see whether he contacts you.