Help! Am I getting prepped to be dumped?

[Nogoodatthis]

Been seeing a wonderful guy for about 6 weeks now. He's very kind, affectionate, considerate, sex is the best I've ever had... but he's not very engaged I suppose is the best way I can put it. Like, he never really asks me things about me or what I'm thinking, we banter and get on great but don't really scratch the surface - hopes dreams, etc.

Anyway, saw him last night, was great, he cooked for me, we made love twice, watched a movie, etc. But this morning when we were getting ready together for work, it was really subtle but I felt like he wasn't as affectionate as usual, he felt a bit detached. It sounds silly but normally as I'm brushing my teeth he'd come and hug me from behind or as we're passing each other in the doorway he'll give me a quick squeeze but there was none of that this morning. I felt like I was making all the moves and being a bit clingy. As we were leaving his flat for work, we normally kiss at the gates and agree the next date that we'll see each other. We'd already spoken about meeting on Thursday so he kissed me really passionately as usual but then was all, "So I'll see you Thursday then, PROBABLY, as I just remembered I've got to take my car to the garage..." blah blah blah.

So I'm thinking 'probably'?! It's gone from the previous night's conversation of definitely seeing each other on Thursday to now probably seeing me Thursday? What does that mean? Sounds like he's setting himself up for a get out clause nearer the time right? If I don't see him on Thursday then I won't see him for ages because he's taking his kids on holiday all of next week.

Also, yesterday he was going on about how stressed he was about being so disorganised and how he had so much to do around the house, packing for the holiday, plus he's got a business trip this week, etc, etc. And the whole time I'm thinking 'is this a way of him saying he's too busy to see me?'

Am I just being really selfish and insecure? Or does it sound to you like he's cooling off and is trying to signal to me he wants some space?

I've been very good, I'm not the sort of person who texts him 10 times a day or anything, I guess I just feel really insecure because I don't know where I stand and we're about to have a long period apart and I know I'll really miss him but I actually don't really have any idea how he feels about me.

What would you do? Should I see whether he does in fact bail on me on Thursday or should I call him before then and talk to him about how I'm feeling?

Sorry this is long.

I was very needy and insecure at the start of my relationship. He would never ask me anything really about me, my life. He always just left if open when we saw each other and never said things like - I will call you on ......let's go out on ...... Once in our early days, I think we had been dating for about six weeks, I didn't hear anything from him for a week, not a phone call, nothing, and there had been no arrangement made the last time I saw him. He seemed to blow 'hot' and 'cold'. But, I thought am I being too needy? eg everytime we went out I felt I was just left hanging. This turned out to be an abusive relationship.

Your new man is probably a perfectly nice person and this is just my experience.

I would back off and let him do some of the running. And make sure you keep getting on with your own life - very important. Don't make him the centre of your universe.

Fantastic, that's what I think. That's why I'm so miserable, because I do really like him but I think he just doesn't see us as long term so maybe I'm better cutting my losses now?

The thing is; whenever he's been free, he's asked to see me, which made me feel like he's keen, wants to spend time with me, etc. And then when we are together, there's lots of physical affection and very considerate behaviour - giving me lifts, cooking me dinner, making me breakfast - all of which makes me think he is letting me know he wants to be with me. But he just never says anything about us being a legit item or anything and he hasn't asked me how I feel either.

I guess you're right though. My gut is trying to tell me something. I suppose the my only question is: is there something I could or should be doing to show him that I'd like us to be 'more', or should I just leave it?

I forgot to say, after one week of not hearing a word from him, I was convinced he had dumped me. So I went to his house, and I said I was worried as I hadn't head a thing from him and we hadn't made any arrangement the last time we saw each other. He was totally nonchalent and indifferent about this.

It is confusing when a man blows hot and cold with you - if that is what your new man is doing.

Maybe I am seeing ghosts - it's just that right from the start, my H obviously always wanted to be in control.

He could just pick me up and put me down when he fancied.

Why don't you ask him OP? If you can't talk openly you won't get anywhere.

He does sound like he has a lot on his plate. If you were that busy, could you be 100% attentive and enthusiastic all the time?

Your man has got kids. Mine didn't when I met him. That makes a difference. Yes.

Most people can't be 100% attentive all the time. We all have busy lives. But neither, should he be calling all the shots even from the start.

I agree that if you are able to have a close sexual relationship - why can't you just ask him whatever it is that bothers you?

The poor bloke sounds like he has loads on his plate. Getting ready for a holiday with dc's is mega stressful without anything else on top.

Agree with others - leave it for him to contact you, and then be warm with him but not pushy.

Enjoy it for what it is, and try not to stress about the future so early on.

Because I suspect that his answer will be 'I don't know, let's see where it goes'. Which would actually be a perfectly reasonable response given how little time we've been seeing each other but because I am so insecure (previous EA relationship, very warped sense of what's 'normal'), I don't trust my own judgement and I'm still unsure of my own boundaries and how to assert them.

On the one hand I'm thinking that I don't mind being flexible to fit in with his schedule because I only have myself to worry about and it's no big deal for me to chuck some stuff in a bag and go to his, whereas he has loads of stuff to juggle and it's much more complicated. But on the other hand, the defensive part of me is like; "is this more than a compromise of convenience and is he actually really the one just calling all the shots here?".

Do I not have a right to ask him, after we've been sleeping together for 6 weeks, where I stand? Or is that me putting too much pressure on him to expect him to know so early on where either of us stand really?

I'm sorry, this must be maddening for anyone to read but I genuinely believe he's a good man and not a twat, I just suspect he may be feeling he's too busy to romance a new girlfriend and I'm not really sure how to respond as obviously I don't want the relationship to end.

Yes - leave it for him to contact you. Don't bother with someone who is not really that interested if that turns out to be the case.

As others say, yes, he probably does just have alot on his plate. Enjoy it. Have fun.

Please also pay attention to gut instinct. I didn't.[embarrassed]

I understand. You were in an emotionally abusive relationship before.

Of course, you do not trust your instincts and are unnsure.

Totally undersstandable.

Sorry cindy, x-posted with fruitshoot there.

Yes thanks fruitshoot, I think I'm definitely becoming my own worst enemy here.

OP, I have just read what you wrote about fearing he is calling the shots, and that is why I said he shouldn't be.

I have my antenae too sensitive myself I know as all the warning signs were there at the start of my relationship with my H, but I didn't see then (as you don't!!!!!).

It is natural for someone who has been in an EA relationship to completely have lost track of what is 'normal'.

I am still in my relationship - but when it ends, I would not get into another relationship because I have no idea any more of what 'normal acceptable' behaviour is.

But that doesn't mean your new man is anything but nice.

If he has such a busy life, then it is vitally important that you maintain your life and your interests so you are not dependent on waiting for him.

He may not want to marry you, or he may not know whether he wants a long term relationship with you yet. He is more likely not to be thinking about it in terms more detailed than 'Op is nice, we are having a good time, let's see what happens.'

Why can't you do the same? Why are you so desperate for commitment? Are you broody, to the extent that a man who is 'not serious' and therefore unlikely to breed with you is a bit of a waste of time? To be fair if you are in your early 30s or something and your biological clock is ticking, it is fair enough to be thinking about it but 6 weeks in is still a bit early. 6 months might be a reasonable time to discuss whether you want to get serious or not. ANd do remember that if he doesn;t want to commit and never said he did, he's not a bastard, he's just not interested in committing to you. THere is NOTHING wrong with relationships that are short term and enjoyable, the idea that everyone you shag has to be processed along this linear track to Proper COmmitment otherwise it's a waste of time, is very toxic as it leads to people either stalking others, or refusing to walk away from partners who might be great fun but are not suitable as housemates or co parents.

Not everyone is looking for short-term relationships?

How long has it been since your previous relationship, OP?

Cindy that's the thing, I'm looking at everything through 2 lenses.

Through one, he's an asshole who's only concerned with himself and what he's getting out of the relationship and who will hurt me.

Through the other, he's a fairly recently single dad, trying to juggle the responsibilities of being a good parent now that he no longer lives with his kids, while at the same time trying to have some semblance of a personal life.

I'm on such high alert I interpret everything as potentially abusive first, even if it isn't, so I make myself suspicious from the outset.

SGB I know what you're saying. If I'm completely honest I am at a point in my life where I would like to have a family and commit to somebody long term. That's not to say I'm some mental sperm thief, I realise these things are all about timing and meeting the right person; but that is what I want. I'd be lying to myself if I said I'd be happy just playing the field with no goal in sight.

Oh god. Does that make me sound like Glenn Close?

X-posted again. My last relationship ended properly (after a long, protracted, drawn-out, painful break up) back in May.

No. It is natural to want what you want.

I have been told I am quite an intense person!

My relationship history is not good!!!!! First marriage - obviously didn't work out. I stress NOT abusive. Second relationship - abusive. Second marriage - abusive.

I think you will have to see if you can change your perception for now to just taking it with your new boyfriend one day at a time, have fun, enjoy being with someone nice, and see what happens.

I totally understand alarm bells keep ringing for you in a new relationship. And that is why (OK I am still in this marriage -sort of) I would not consider myself 'fit' to be in a relationship for a long long time as I know I am so messed up.

You don't have to excuse the fact that you have got to an age (I don't mean that negatively - just naturally - as you probably have years more to have children with the right partner - not sure how old you are).

What about just trying to be chilled when you next see him and just see how it goes for a while. And enjoy it as well!!!!!

PS - I think I may be in a long, protracted break-up at present which started with the hot/cold scenario.

PPS - You deserve to have some nice times.

Nogood - i would just avoid contacting him at all now if i were you. Totally ignore him and see if he gets in touch.
If he does - great, if not, then you know where you stand.

Would you be happy if this turned out to be a fling rather than something long term?

I'd be gutted if this just turned out to be a fling tbh. But I realise that sounds unrealistic and a little nuts.

THe thing is, you don't know him well enough to decide if you want to commit to him. 6 weeks in most people are in lust and on their best behaviour. Forcing early commitment is dumb behaviour - either the other person, who might have decided that you were worth sticking with a little further down the line, is put off by your desperation, or you realise in a month or so that actually, you don't really want to be with this man, that he isn't 'perfect' for you and maybe leave him hurt and bewildered.
But you really need to stop thinking of it in terms of 'will he commit, will he love me, how can I make him love me?' because it's got to be a mutual thing, not a case of you sitting there waiting to be the Chosen One.

Yes. Do not think of waiting to see if YOU are the chosen one. Is HE your chosen one? It is early days so - the jury is still out at this stage anyway. You are still getting to know him. I understand you analysing it but don't let your past experiences have too much effect on this. (I know that is easier said than done).

What you are describing is the joy/pain of early relationships, imho.
I have been there on several occasions. Sometimes it is the beginning of the end, sometimes (like with current, lovely beau) it is just the beginning of the beginning.
Try not to panic- wait and see how it evolves. Writing as a single parent children and life stuff can be v overwhelming at times- doesn't mean I am less committed to my bf at all.

Oooh, I love SGB's advice on here!

OP, calm down. Your mission is to find 5 things to do next week that you are genuinely really excited about doing. Think about that rather than some bloke.

Six weeks is WAY too soon to be thinking about this to this extent.

Hi OP. You say you are just about to have a long period apart also. How long is that?

Have you ever had any brief relationships or have you had one/few serious ones?