"Working" at a relationship - what does this mean?

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

I often read about long term relationships being "hard work" or the necessity of working at a marriage. Excuse my total idiocy but what does this mean, exactly?

for me it means accepting the fact that there are times that DH and I like each other more than others.
There is no doubt that we love each other and we intend to stay together forever however, that doesn't mean that it is always easy to live with him or like him.

I have had other partners with whom I could't be bothered to try to get through the first low patch with and for me it was an indicator of my feelings about "us"

I'm with you on this (By the Power of Greyskull) You've definitely hit the nail on the head.

thanks for replying Greyskull - so it kind of means dogged determination and faith that you will get through the bad times?

I don't know what it means either

I have been with my DH for over 20 years

If it was "hard work" or had to be "Worked at" I would be questioning what I was doing there

"work" is something I leave the home for, to earn money to support my family

everything else is really (or should be) done out of choice

Yes, agree with Greyskull.

DH and I have had some rocky patches, but we've stuck at it, kept faith and done what needed to be done to get through (including counselling at one stage years ago).

Making an effort - to listen when you're not in the mood, to hold back on the criticism, to occasionally join in with their hobbies even if they are things you don't enjoy, etc, etc.

Compromise.
Tolerance.
Putting someone else first some of the time.

Only those in the relationship can decide if the effort's worth while.

that is just being kind to each other, like you would for other friends/family/acquaintances

it isn't "work" and shouldn't be something you make yourself do IYSWIM

Well it's not as scary as it sounds then :) Long-married people tend to mutter about this darkly and it makes me anxious about the future TBH. All of these things are key to any nice balanced relationships though aren't they?

I am always suspicious of this phrase, because ime it tends to be women who are exhorted to work at their relationships and who talk about working at their relationship.

I have literally never heard a man talk about how he is working on his relationship or how he has worked on it.

Tht doesn't mean they don't, of course, maybe they do, but I have a lurking suspicion that working on your relationship for a woman, means putting up with your man's refusal to see dirt and not having orgasms as often as you ought to and for men, it means not sulking too much about the fact that your partner doesn't want to have sex, due to the fact that she's in a state of simmering unacknowledged rage that she does most of the housework and when she does have sex, she doesn't come.

OK maybe I'm being unreasonable here...

Keeping on talking and making sure you are listening - and being listened to.

Compromise and appreciating the compromises your other half makes.

Forgiving them their shortcomings...

Being enthusiastic about some things that don't immediately interest you.

Sharing - I find this one tough, especially with the children.

Accepting that just because something isn't done 'your way' doesn't mean that it hasn't been done to a good standard.

Bothering to try and keep the relationship going and putting the effort in, even when you really don't feel like it because you know this is only a blip and things were great once.

Giving each other the support you need ie. catering for their needs, not just doing the things for them that you would like done for you.

Recognising that each person has individual needs and trying to help the other person in the relationship meet those needs ie I like family time for relaxing, DH likes alone time for relaxing - trying to make family time for me and alone time for him, so that we both get what we want and need.

Trying to be polite even when your other half is unblievably annoying...treat them with the respect you would a stranger.

Expecting high standards from them in the relationship too.

Remembering the great times that got you together in the first place, so you can try and weather the bad times.

Understanding that relationships change over time ad that this doesn't mean the relationship is over - it's just onto a new phase...and can be quite exciting.

PS, I DO think that these are reciprocal arrangements and responsibilities although in a majority of relationships the woman does tend to compromise more IMO

Thanks for that list bb99 - will have a good think about those.

HerBea- I have wondered that. Sometimes I am sure (judging by the rest of the relationships board) it is used as code for "putting up with more shit from husband" for instance. I wonder if it's a bit Taming of the Shrew.

If you were to ask my DH, he puts up with a fair bit of shit from me too - I don't think you can generalise to that extent.

Greyskull's post was spot on. I've been married for almost 17 years, and there have been times that I've been close to walking. The fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with DH, and because we've spent many years building up a strong family unit made me determined to stay and 'work' at it. I'm sure there does come a point where you simply don't want to, but (fortunately!) we're not at that point.

Have you read 'the road less travelled'?

It's a bit old school IMVHO but has some interesting views on what love truly is, it has helped me when I've had to 'work at it'

Plus it's not all work IYSWIM, well not often anyway. After over 12 years of relationship, nearly 6 of those married (not too long I know) I still manage to have a bit of a laugh with the old fella.

Sorry Maisie - I didn't really mean the normal relationship stuff, I was thinking of the kind of abusive relationships you hear a lot about on here, sadly.

I am another one who can heartily agree that DP puts up with plenty from me, especially when I'm tired/stressed out, as I do from him probably to a lesser extent.

Oh sorry, I misunderstood. Yes, some of the stuff you hear on here is eye-watering, and just really, really sad.

I remember when i left my ex (who was very 'hard work') a wise lady told me: 'you don't need to work on a good relationship. I just flows naturally'.
I knew what she meant few months later when i met dh.

Laq, that's what I think too

Well, I think my relationship is pretty good, thank you, despite there being times when we've had to work at it!

Hmm that thing of women tending to compromise more than men... that makes me suspicious too.

In all the RL cases I know where women have got divorced, they spent literally years working at their relationships. And then one day, they realised their men weren't working at it. And so they filed for divorce and the men professed themselves bewildered, hurt and devastated and wondered what they had done wrong.

Relationships, the family, marriage, children's stability, all seem to be the province of women - they seem to be the ones who are expected to work at it. While men are expected to work at their careers and leave the relationships, family networks, friendships etc., to women (how many men remember the birthdays and write out the christmas cards? it's all women's work, even when the women WOHM). Seems to me that women need to do a bit less work actually, we work hard enough.

It means that you have to concentrate and focus on getting on your partner's wavelength (and vice versa) so that you can work out solutions to life's issues that suit you both, and so that you know what is going on in your partner's life so you can support him (and vice versa).

It is all to easy to live side-by-side but ultimately inhabit different universes.

I am hoping that for each phase of "working in your relationship" there are 10 times as many phases where it just flows. I have never worked on my relationship in 10odd years and never doubted it would be a forever marriage. But then we hit a tough patch and have had nearly a year of working on it - my DH would definately say he is working on our relatinship as he knows that unless things change in him, we are finished. And he often says he feels very insecure at the moment knowing I will split if it's not right.

But I am assuming the work phase will pass and we will be loved up once again. Surely it is worth a one off year of work to maintain a previously strong bond and stable home for kids?

I dont think it has to be hard work.
Sometimes I think we all have to stop and think and it is more about ourselves and what we want.

I think all relationships have to be worked on to some extent.

I have friends who have come and gone over the years mainly because one side has not put in the effort . You know when you look in your address book and think ' well i havent even seem them for xxx so will not send a xmas card'.

For me it was more about knowing what my needs were and making sure my h knows that.

I think the reason it may seem as if woman 'give' more is because we do find it easier to put the needs of others first. We have to when we have children and put their needs before our own and then we tend to do the same for our h. Men i think dont always see this and so are stunned when a woman says we need to work on this because as far he is concerned he has not changed iyswim.

Was talking to DP about relationships last night, and his approach is: Do whatever you can for the other person, whenever you can. Do everything you can think of to make them happy or their life easier. And trust that they will do the same for you.

Which is rather lovely :)