"Working" at a relationship - what does this mean?

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

I often read about long term relationships being "hard work" or the necessity of working at a marriage. Excuse my total idiocy but what does this mean, exactly?

But don't you have to work on every relationship? I love my kids but fuck me they are hard work at times. I always love them but I am not sure I always like them iyswim. But I have a lot riding on my relationship with them so I am prepared to work to keep it going. Why not do the same with the relationship with my partner?

Orm: Well, because a partner is an adult and can fend for him/herself if need be (obvious exception for people who are in some way unable to care for themselves): DC can't. You have them, therefore you have a duty to make sure they are properly cared for, fed, sheltered, not coming to harm and on those occasions where you are physically separate from them, that the person looking after them is doing a competent job of it.

'Working' on couple-relationships (as opposed to basic give&take) is pretty much always a matter of a woman putting in a lot of effort to please and placate a man who is either unreasonable, uninterested in the relationship but doesn't mind being pampered and run after, or who has discovered that the threat of leaving sends the woman into a frenzy of self-condemnation and excessive effort to please. Men 'working' on a relationship is more often likely to be called 'stalking' ie a refusal to accept that the woman actually doesn't want the relationship.

for me, reminding myself not to take dh for granted

when I am getting irritated/annoyed about minor things and nagging a lot, to rmeember that these things are not the be all and end all of life and to let a few things pass for the sake of a friendly home atmosphere.

That type of thing

"'Working' on couple-relationships (as opposed to basic give&take) is pretty much always a matter of a woman putting in a lot of effort to please and placate a man who is either unreasonable, uninterested in the relationship but doesn't mind being pampered and run after, or who has discovered that the threat of leaving sends the woman into a frenzy of self-condemnation and excessive effort to please."

That isn't a definition I recognise. Thankfully. Neither would I do any of those things to 'work' on my relationship with my children certainly after they got past the age of about 5.

I don't agree that it is always just the woman who puts in the work. I am sure dh occasionally needs to make an effort not to give free reins to his irritability or selfishness- just as I do. Nothing stalking or placating about it in our case, just that it can be tempting, when you find yourself in a safe environment with a person you trust, to take all your frustrations out on them, and it is not always a fair or reasonable thing to do.

And to me, the word "work" doesn't call up anything very dreary or something you only do out of duty- I enjoy working, in the sense of meeting challenges whether in the workplace or in my family life. If it got to the stage where it only felt like a chore, then obviously I'd be looking for a new job .

For me the 'work' if it really is work is being considerate, appreciating DH and wanting to make him happy. I think he feels the same.

As I type this I am sitting in a hotel room thousands of miles from home. My mobile phone doesnt work so DH and I have only been able to communicate by email. DH is dyslexic so I know that this is costing him a lot of effort. That is work!

For me it is hard work sometimes to put up with some of DH's quirks. And he feels the same about mine. So just on that alone, there's a strong element of "work" involved in our relationship.

Also, for DH and I who tend to have very busy lives, we have a bad habit of not prioritising ourselves or each other. And we have to work at that at a little. Both for ourselves as individuals and for us as a couple. So if we're not careful, we can go a few days barely seeing each other (not prioritising ourselves as a couple) or days without eating or sleeping enough (not prioritisig ourselves as individuals) and because of our personalities, we find it hard to say, "no, I'm not going to go to that event or help that friend because I need to spend time with DH/DW".

I appreciate that sounds ridiculous to many people who can't even fathom a life where other committments tend to take up our time, but it's something DH and I battle with. Doesn't mean we don't want to spend more time together, it's just that we're both quite bad at saying no to everyone and everything else. So we have to work at that.

The word itself has something negative to me. 'Working' on it, sounds like something you have to do and sometimes trying to force the other person to do. Many women over-work on relationships trying to change a man or trying to make a man to love them.

I blame popular psychology and gurus. All those magic books with fancy terms. You stick a name to your relationship and then it makes sense to tolerate it, you are not a victim you are intellectuall understanding woman . I.e. 'he told me he cant stand me, he is in love with someone else and he wants a divorce. But i think he loves me, he suffers from this and that, he s got this and that personality, we can work on it, the book says all relationships are hard and need work...'.

"'Working' on couple-relationships (as opposed to basic give&take) is pretty much always a matter of a woman putting in a lot of effort to please and placate a man who is either unreasonable, uninterested in the relationship but doesn't mind being pampered and run after, or who has discovered that the threat of leaving sends the woman into a frenzy of self-condemnation and excessive effort to please. Men 'working' on a relationship is more often likely to be called 'stalking' ie a refusal to accept that the woman actually doesn't want the relationship."

I don't recognise that at all.

From a personal point of view, my relationship with DH does need working on. Mainly as we both have depression (amongst other issues) and we are both fucking hard work to live with. So for us there is work involved, but it's not unpleasant work. I enjoy being with him, and him with me.

So it's more about making allowances for each other than forcing things.

I think that's where the difference is, I see "working at a relationship" as not giving up when things are a bit tough. Whereas others see "working at a relationship" as forcing yourself to do something you don't want to.

What Kaloki said. DP and I are both slightly complicated people (he from a violent family, me from an alcoholic, codependent one) and - while we don't want to be the sum of our past both of us struggle with it a bit sometimes.

There are things he does sometimes, unthinkingly, that bring up aspects of my childhood; the same is true vice versa. When that happens and one of us gets upset, we both sometimes have to make an effort to remember that this is about him and me, as the individual adults we are now, and not a set of ghosts or our unresolved childhood stuff.

So I guess for me 'working at it' is partly about having some awareness of what baggage and assumptions I'm bringing to the relationship, and what I'm projecting onto him; and also being able both to stick up for myself if I feel my needs aren't being recognised and also being willing to try and accommodate (within reason of course) if he's feeling trodden on.

Oops, posted too soon. I meant to say that 'working at it' isn't inevitably a euphemism for some poor harassed woman bending over backwards to accommodate a selfish git.

Sometimes it really can be about two adults, both with baggage, doing their damnedest to relate to one another as adult individuals and - with luck - getting it right enough of the time to keep loving each other.

Agree with Kaloki and Orm. I certainly don't recognise that sweeping generalisation that it's "pretty much always a matter of a woman putting in a lot of effort to please and placate a man who is either unreasonable, uninterested in the relationship but doesn't mind being pampered and run after, or who has discovered that the threat of leaving sends the woman into a frenzy of self-condemnation and excessive effort to please. Men 'working' on a relationship is more often likely to be called 'stalking' ie a refusal to accept that the woman actually doesn't want the relationship"

pottonista i would call what you describe 'understanding each other' which i think is natural -and both ways-in a loving relationship like yours.

Unfortunetely women 'bending backwards to accommodate a selfish git' do exist here and in RL, i know few and i have been one too.

Sometimes it takes a bit more work and effort to 'understand' each other though - and it's definitely 2-way traffic.

I think those of you who find 'working' on the relationship beneficial and not unreasonable are those of you who are basically in relationships with people who are not arseholes.

OP, I have always wondered about this "working hard at a marriage" thing too.

My DH and I were together for 10 years before we wed, and we used to joke in the weeks after the wedding about how it was really hard work being married.

Of course it's not! I think if you are with the right person then it just shouldn't be hard work. If I had to "work at" my marriage then I think I'd be leaving it!

Quite a bit of cynicism on here. Why shouldn't you have to work at a relationship? You often have to work at a friendship, after all.

People only think it is supposed to be easy because they (largely women) are sold a glossy, rose-tinted, romanticised view of marriage.

People may "work" on it in different ways. This isn't a problem. People will have different issues to resolve.

Well there is that SGB Which is how it should be, wish everyone could have the same. Makes me so sad to see people in relationships where they aren't treated well.

SGB - I'm confused. I thought you didn't agree with "working" on relationships. but if I'm understanding the double negative correctly, you are saying if you think working on a relationship is okay, then you're married to a good guy?

"I think those of you who find 'working' on the relationship beneficial and not unreasonable are those of you who are basically in relationships with people who are not arseholes."

Yes, that could well be so.

I also find working on my relationship with my parents reasonable and beneficial because they are not toxic parents (we just happen to have the occasional misunderstanding). And learning to get on with my brothers, nephews, nieces, SILs and aunts-by-marriage is also a beneficial and reasonable thing to do as long as they are not toxic people who are going to abuse my goodwill. But thankfully, none of them are. I enjoy longterm relationship - when they are worthwhile - because it is nice to grow with someone and feel a relationship growing.

Bling: Because, if you think the 'work' you are doing is reasonable and it is a matter of things like consideration for your partner, give and take and a willingness to compromise etc, then that is OK. When the 'work' involves having to suppress your whole personality or devote your whole life to The Relationship, or, most importantly, if you;re the only one doing 'work', then you're in a relationship with an arsehole.

Got it.

I agree with your definition of "work". "Working on a relationship" doesn't involve pretending and behaving in a way that is contrary to your happiness or nature.

As always when on these threads, I find myself grateful for DH and find I suddenly become even more tolerant of his less than good points!