I love you, but I'm not in love with you!!!!

[cheeselostandconfused]

Well, where do I start...? I have been with my DH since sweet sixteen, we have been together for 20 years and married 12. We have two wonderful children. My DH has been distant from me on an emotional and physical level - I put this down to the stress of the posibility of loosing his job. The job has been confirmed as secure, but he didn't come back to me (emotionally) as I had hoped. The last straw was last weekend. I asked him what was wrong and that if I didn't know what was going on in his head, I couldn't help him. He told me he was "fine". But in the evening he eventually opend up and told me he loved me as a friend (best friend), the sex is great (but it's just sex!)and that he is not in love with me. When I picked myself up off the floor, I asked him why? He said he couldn't give me any answers as he doesn't know and that his head is confused. He cried and I cried. He said he will go to counselling (on his own initially), which is hapening on Tuesday. I have already had one session and the Cousellor gave me the details of this website (so grateful to her already). We have talked and talked...DH said that there is noone else, and I believe him. He is a very honest man, and this is something I have always admired about him. I am totally, lost and confused. How do you get your DH to fall back in love with you? Please help....any advise would be greatly appreciated.

Yes. Maybe this is just a rough patch. But, I am biaised, as I can identify with getting easier's post and have been there a long time and you do feel that you are being kept on the back burner, so to speak!

Sorry, can't spell today. Biased.

PP the huge majority of posts are describing peoples own experiences and how they have reacted NOT telling OP what to do. As I understand it people post on MN for opinions and go to counsellors for neutral advice.

Incidentally at no point did I say to the OP I thought she should leave or mention fairy tale romances as being what she should aspire to. I think I said I understood why she didnt want to throw the towel in.

Purplepeony: the Op's husband has told her that he loved her because she needed rescuing and now she's a strong competent human being, he doesn;'t fancy her any more. That's an arsehole thought pattern that needs dealing with drastically. As I said previously, he's telling her that he's about fo fuck off anyway or that he is trying to hurt and weaken her enough for her to be desirable again so she had better stop disagreeing with him and start begging and crying mighty quick.

I agree with purplepeony - people are too quick to tell others to throw in the towel. I know they mean it in good faith but I don't necessarily think that is right in every situation.

I don't think all is lost in Cheese's case. It is worth the effort to try and sort it out, not endlessly (when I said in my earlier post set a deadline, I was thinking Christmas so a couple of months) but you have to try, particularly if you have children.

Perhaps her DP is saying this to the OP because he wants a reaction, maybe she has withdrawn from the relationship a bit, taken it all for granted. It might be misguided and tactless way bringing matters to a head but, with all due respect to the OP who I am sure is being honest in how she sees things, we only have her side of the story and her interpretation. A counsellor who has spoken to both of them, either together or alone, would be able to make more sense of it than we can and so they need to give it a go.

Maybe there is a spate of women being left like this on MN precisely because they come on here to talk about their problems rather than thrashing it out with their partners and they are told it isn't worth working things out, he'll never change, so they don't bother. Not in all cases obviously, but sometimes.

And maybe there will be no happy endings but I don't think we know enough about those two people to judge, just to open the OP's eyes to the possibilities and to highlight the dangers.

sgb just summed it up for me as she did further upthread

The problem with MN is it gets like Chinese whispers. Things get quoted and commented on when the quote is not accurate.

this is what the Op wrote:

DP said last night that he doesn't feel like he needs to rescue me anymore (I had an abusive mother amongst other things) and he is not sure if he mistook protecting me as "being in love" all those years ago. He said he is completly confused.

Nowhere in her posts does he/she say he "doesn't fancy her" anymore.

There are 2 sides to every relationship, a point which is often overlooked here. If he said he felt her was rescuing her, then maybe she has fallen into the role of being the victim and allowing herself to be rescued. It was something that worked at the time for this couple but maybe now he is rethinking how he feels- if you recall he made his choices at 24. My son is 24 and I hope to God he doesn't marry for ages as he is still emotionally very immature and inexperienced with women.

As the other poster said, too many of you are too quick to say get out of marriages. We don't know the whole story, only what the OP tells us, with their slant on it.

People change but marriages can weather that if their is enough love and goodwill.

I really think that there should be more support along the lines of try towork it out first- and get to the bottom oh his unhappiness- rather than simply conceding defeat and destroying the children's lives as part of a quick break up.

get to the bottom of his unhappiness

what about her unhappiness ? She obviously is unhappy, hence the posting

she is unhappy because of the way he is treating her, the things he is telling her (directly, and imbetween the lines, it isn't rocket science, tbh) and the actions he is taking

should she tolerate that and throw herself wholeheartedly into doing that one-handed clapping trick while he makes no effort at all ?

except to whine about how he is "so confused" and remind her that there is a couple of women he might just get to rescue if he decides to leave OP to find himself again

why should she wait for that ?

I wouldn't. I would invite him to go and sample these other women, and not darken my door again.

All these kinds of threads get a range of responses.

I would hope that if I were ever in a similar unfortunate situation, there would be someone telling me to wake up and smell the coffee, tbh. I did my share of putting up with crap treatment a long time ago. I will point it out where I see it.

AF- did you find English comprehension hard at school? Becuae you seem to have a problem grasping what is actually written rather than what you would like to think is written.

All the twaddle about "other women" is a red herring. I suspect that the OP asked her DH if he fancied any other women, or if there was another woman.

He responded in a very silly, tactless way by saying no, there was no other woman, he would rather live on his own like X , BUT if he had to come up with names then she had 2 friends who weren't that bad.

I posted this up the thread but for your benefit doing so again; this was written by an accredited counsellor with a masters degree etc in couples/relationship stuff. he explains very clearly how one stage of marriage can be when couples find each other a disappointment. AND how the situation can be worked at.

The process of "falling in love" is only the first stage of a relationship yet our cultural myth is that the initial feeling of love 'should' last forever. We know that this isn't the case.
It helps to see the larger perspective that relationships a go through stages with movement back and forth between the stages. This perspective normalises what we actually experience and indicates that conflict is normal and can lead to a deeper intimacy.
After the Initial Attraction ( first stage) and 'Settling In Period' ( second stage) , we reach the 3rd stage called Polarisation. This stage is where our differences come to the surface. We discover our partner is " not all what we expected or hoped for'. Such feelings of disappointment are normal and not a sign of failure.
If we can get beyond the power struggles, and arguments of who is right and wrong that arise in this third stage we can start to appreciate who our partner is and move into the 4th stage - 'Healing'. We can find ways to communicate and express who we are with being defensive. We reclaim in ourselves what we were looking for in our partner and step by step build a mature love together based on trust.
At this point we have more experiences of the 5th Stage - 'Deep Intimacy. We and know how to nourish ourselves and each other and have the trust to allow ourselves to be nourished.

It's part of the relationship process to move back and forth between the stages. A relationship is like a teacher that invites us face our unresolved issues from the past so that we can fully love in the present.

PP, our viewpoints have always differed on this.

I can accept that your view is different to mine.

Attempting to be patronising towards me and pasting tracts from academic works does not make your comprehension of a situation any better than mine.

Both of us have only the OP's words to go off. So I could just as easily say to you that you are extrapolating "facts" from this situation that have no bearing at all.

That last sentence is also utter bollocks.

PP, a relationship breakup doesn't have to destroy childrens lives. It can be handled in such a way as to cause the least amount of distress possible. Women should not feel obligated to remain in relationships that make them miserable and erode their self confidence, children or no children. A miserable family life has its own negative effects on children too.

I think some people have a knack of reading between the lines hence differant responses to how they would react . Theyre also good at noting what hasnt been said.

I really am not keen on comments about " destroying childrens lives ". Its rather dramtic . For many women their major concern is their childrens wellbeing and i feel statements like this can add even more to the idea that women must do everything they can to fix it . Men too have a responsibility to their children , if anyone is potentially "destroying childrens lives " its Toasts H.

You don't throw away almost 20 years of a relationship just because someone has doubts for a few months.

Thats a comment for Toasts H i think.

AF you must take up your bollocks* comments withthe writer of that sentence who is Richard Cole of the St Pancras Centre for relationship counselling- they are his words as part of the piece I quoted.
www.relatenow.co.uk/

I didn't know we had differing opinions- your name is so similar to Any Fucker that i am easily confused.

I think it is a shame though that you are not willing to even comment on the points he made in that post which was part of a very long feature on how to make love last in the Times yesterday. I felt it was very relevant to the OP's situation.

AF you said:
Both of us have only the OP's words to go off. So I could just as easily say to you that you are extrapolating "facts" from this situation that

yes, but I haven't extrapolated facts.

And the quote is not from an academic work, by the way- it was a comment written by that counsellor in response to a feature which was in the Times.

I also use the name AnyFucker, sorry. Does that change your attitude towards me, or make it worse

PP, I have my own ideas of how to make love last

And this woman's partner is shitting all over them.

That's the point though, AF, they are your ideas of how to make love last. They may not be the OP's or anybody elses (not saying they are wrong btw, because I don't know what they are and they are entirely personal) so whether the OP's H is shitting all over them is irrelevant.

As I see it, as I said before, we shouldn't be telling the OP to do anything, including telling her to leave her H. The best we can do, since we don't know both parts of the story, is to say you can do x,y and z and beware of a, b, and c. It is not for us to make her mind up for her. It is her life.

Of course if he was beating her or really emotionally abusing her (and I don't think he is - he sounds messed up and in need of help) then of course yell leave him as loud and as often as it takes to get her to see sense. The OP's problems, however, are not that clear cut. The only people who can sort this one out are the OP, her H and a counsellor to mediate.

cheeselostandconfused - sorry to hear about this. I am finding your DH a bit self indulgent! I think that you have a strategy of leaving the door open for marriage repair without losing your dignity and trying hard to "win your man back". In fact, trying too hard would be self defeating IMO. I think that you need to love yourself ahgain. Rediscover the old you; spend more time with your real friends and people who like you. Do your hair, spoil yourself; go to the gym, run a half marathon; look after yourself....this will protect you emotionally and incidentally, your DH is more likely to come crawling back when he sees that your self esteem is high.....I must confess that my first impression is that he is immature and self indulgent.

I think people don't dump bad relationships nearly fast enough. 'Working at the relationship' nearly always seems to translate as: 'Women! Eat shit and smile! Men have to be Made Happy or they will LEAVE and that's the worst thing in the world.'
It's not, actually. Tearing yourself apart trying to please and placate a partner who is not prepared to put any effort into considering your wellbeing, or who is actively abusive (and constant criticism and demands for a person to change behaviour or change who they are do constitute a form of abuse unless who the person is, is unlivable-with eg alcoholic, gambler, criminal, violent etc - and in that case it's better to cut your losses and flee if the person isn't showing any signs of trying to change) - well, that's no way to live. Bad relationships are a blight on lives.

But SGB- aren't you underestimating the sheer emotional turmoil of a divorce ( which I assume you have never experienced), selling the family home, possible poverty and the effect on the kids?

i know that material things are no reason to stay, but I do think that you often do not empathise with what it means to split up a home after 20 years.

And, agree or not, people make vows which included a promise to stay married through thick and thin, good and bad, etc etc.

Purplepeony: Those vows also include a promise to cherish and love the other person. So when one person starts bullying or mistreating the other, game over.
Divorce is distressing, but not as distressing as violence or the constant threat of it, having to be a partner's struggling 'keeper' ie when the partner is an addict/alcoholic and keeps promising to change but not doing so, or when the partner is forever threatening to breach monogamy in order to make the other partner jump through hoops or feel desperately insecure and (most importantly) less powerful than the one who is threatening to leave.

Women are still constantly fed the bullshit that not only is it the worst thing in the world to be single, but that it is somehow their genetically-inherent duty to tend to men, 'fix' men who are messed up in some way and basically put up with men, because not having a MAN is failure, and not keeping one you managed to 'catch' is all your fault, no matter how horrible he has been.

Neicie, do you seriously think even one person has left their partner because of something a stranger on the internet said ?

These threads give posters a range of opinions. Because that is all they are... opinions

People should not post if all they want is muted there-there's.

If I were to post about a relationship problem, I would want honest opinions. Or else, what is the point ?

I wonder where the OP is ?

Probably shouting, "But what about me? This thread is supposed to be about me..."

SGB you are such a breath of fresh air. I am following this from the perspective of someone who realised I didn't love my DH after 28 years. There were reason for that but it doesn't excuse my behaviour.

I was mildly abusive, lacked respect for him and had an affair before I woke up and realised what was going on. I wish I had been self aware enough to be able to say what the OPs DH said before I behaved so appallingly to DH.

It has been a hard year of joint and separate counselling and has resulted in me leaving him. I hope sincerely he finds someone else who appreciates what a kind good man he is.

It heartens me that you agree that it can be better to split up than stay together grimly for the sake of the DC.

I was wondering where the OP was too - her H was supposed to be seeing the counsellor today.

AF - Even if nobody has left their partner due to what others on the internet have said, doesn't alter the fact that they get put under extreme pressure to do so sometimes.

I have seen threads on here where the OP has come on with a little quibble and it has turned into an avalanche of people telling her to leave the bastard. In her head there isn't going to be much trying to sort things out. I have seen OPs thanking everybody for making her see sense and agreeing she is going to leave her partner. Of course people listen when they ask for advice otherwise why give it? You said the same yourself!