I love you, but I'm not in love with you!!!!

[cheeselostandconfused]

Well, where do I start...? I have been with my DH since sweet sixteen, we have been together for 20 years and married 12. We have two wonderful children. My DH has been distant from me on an emotional and physical level - I put this down to the stress of the posibility of loosing his job. The job has been confirmed as secure, but he didn't come back to me (emotionally) as I had hoped. The last straw was last weekend. I asked him what was wrong and that if I didn't know what was going on in his head, I couldn't help him. He told me he was "fine". But in the evening he eventually opend up and told me he loved me as a friend (best friend), the sex is great (but it's just sex!)and that he is not in love with me. When I picked myself up off the floor, I asked him why? He said he couldn't give me any answers as he doesn't know and that his head is confused. He cried and I cried. He said he will go to counselling (on his own initially), which is hapening on Tuesday. I have already had one session and the Cousellor gave me the details of this website (so grateful to her already). We have talked and talked...DH said that there is noone else, and I believe him. He is a very honest man, and this is something I have always admired about him. I am totally, lost and confused. How do you get your DH to fall back in love with you? Please help....any advise would be greatly appreciated.

My reply to him would be 'so what?'.

I'm not in love with DH and he isn't in love with me. Big deal. I love him, I respect him, I enjoy his company, I want to be with him for the rest of our lives. Why isn't that enough?

It sounds as if he is being a big child.

I am a dreadful cynic.

I would be very surprised if there wasnt anyone else.

Sorry.

My SIL had this experience after just 2 years of marriage. her dh said there was no one else. Turned out he has been seeing her friend. The "Friend" went back to her husband evenutally and then he decided he did love her after all.

Its been 5 years and she is still not over it.

I am having counselling tomorrow, so I hope that gives me more strength through this. We are having a day together on Wednesday. I suggested it, but he followed through and has taken the day off. Normally he is a bit of an airhead and forgets things like this. Hopefully that is a good sign. We are going to play Pool which we use to do when we dated. I have also suggested that we go to the Golf Range to hit some balls, as his passion is golf, and I think it would be good to show that I am showing an interest in something he loves. We are going out for a meal on Friday night and bowling. I think I need to read some books on how to win your husband's heart back... any suggestions? There are so many on the web and I don't know which one to look at! I know I may sound pathetic, but I have to try as I have too much to loose. Just hope that I am not going about it the wrong way.

It is your right to stick your fingers in your ears and your head in the sand, but since you asked, yes I do think this is the wrong approach. Sorry to be harsh, but it sounds like none of the advice you asked for below has had any impact. I genuinely hope this works out for you.

I totally agree, but I wonder if this is a course of action that the OP just has to play out. I can identify with it, as it's what I did. You just want to make everything better and it seems the most logical way to fix things at the time.

Weeks or months on, when you realise you can't fix it, you really regret wasting your energy. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though.

Give this approach a try by all means, OP, but don't let it go on too long. You can't paper over the cracks forever and you shouldn't need to try to win anyone back. Don't settle for half measures.

Cheese you know your situation (and husband) better than anyone. I actually think that paying attention to a relationship can, as long as both people are doing this, have a really positive impact.

I am not sure about books, ask in counselling.

Just try very hard to make it clear that you are willing to allow him some leeway because you love him, not because you are desperately needy. WWIFN is right that he needs to give more to your relationship, think about what you would like him to do to help you feel happy.

I appreciate everyone's advice, but I see it as if there are so many books on his by professional counsellors on "how to get him back" then there must be hope. I know it doesn't work for everyone, but it does for some. I hope that I am in that %. I am refocusing on my life again. I have booked myself on courses which I have been putting off. I will meet new people and get my self-asteem back by concentrating on me. But I feel that if I ignore DH then I can't see how this will help. Surely helping him to remember why he married me and feel in love in the first place, is what I also need to focus on. I could be completly looking at this the wrong way, I don't know. I wish it was black and white, as it would be a lot easier.

Re books to win him back - 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' is the book I linked to in an earlier post - it is written by a Relate counsellor and does give hope but also realistically looks at what to do if there is no rescuing the relationship.

FWIW I think you are right to see if you can make your relationship work and not give up just yet. You have had a terrible knock and you need to draw breath and find out what is really going on before throwing him out or writing him off as in any way nasty.

However, I wouldn't waste years on it because if you can't sort it out quickly it will probably mean you never will. If you don't feel things are improving in a couple of months or he can't see that things are going to change after some counselling then call it a day.

I appreciate that you want to give it a try, but for your own sake set a strict time limit on all the being-nice stuff and don't, whatever you do, abase yourself or agree to doing things that you really don't like whether that's following him round a golf course or letting him do some kind of sexual activity you're not keen on. Because sometimes people do give their partners the old 'I don't know if I love you any more' number as a way of seeing how much they can make their partner comply and submit, and if he gets the idea that any time you don't want to indulge his whims or put him first he can just look wistful and wonder aloud if you're really the one in order to get abject submission once again, well, your life will be barely worth living till you kick him out.

I think I need to read some books on how to win your husband's heart back.

I think your husband needs ro read some books about divorce and what its like to be a mcdonalds dad . What is he doing to improve the situation or to gain some insight into things ?

Its him that needs to be reading books and putting the effort in as well. Id forget books about winning his heart back and id get the shirley glass one as i think it might be more usefull to you.

As others say id put a very strict time line on this . Id pay close attention to what hes doing , not what hes saying , and next time you have a conversation about it make sure you point out that if you were to divorce , youve no intention of sitting around like a nun.

His passion is golf ? Is it yours too ?

Hve not read all posts but I bet there is not a married person reading this who doesn't nod when they hear "Love you but not in love with you".

In love deosn't last- that rush of attraction lasts about 2 years tops.

Something deeper comes along.

I'd say he is confusing the feelings he thinks he should have, with what he has.
There was a long atricle in The Times about this a couple of days ago.

As it's not subscription only, I can't paste the link, but I will try to paste some comments

Here from a counsellor. Can you ask your Dh to read?

The process of "falling in love" is only the first stage of a relationship yet our cultural myth is that the initial feeling of love 'should' last forever. We know that this isn't the case.
It helps to see the larger perspective that relationships a go through stages with movement back and forth between the stages. This perspective normalises what we actually experience and indicates that conflict is normal and can lead to a deeper intimacy.
After the Initial Attraction ( first stage) and 'Settling In Period' ( second stage) , we reach the 3rd stage called Polarisation. This stage is where our differences come to the surface. We discover our partner is " not all what we expected or hoped for'. Such feelings of disappointment are normal and not a sign of failure.
If we can get beyond the power struggles, and arguments of who is right and wrong that arise in this third stage we can start to appreciate who our partner is and move into the 4th stage - 'Healing'. We can find ways to communicate and express who we are with being defensive. We reclaim in ourselves what we were looking for in our partner and step by step build a mature love together based on trust.
At this point we have more experiences of the 5th Stage - 'Deep Intimacy. We and know how to nourish ourselves and each other and have the trust to allow ourselves to be nourished.

It's part of the relationship process to move back and forth between the stages. A relationship is like a teacher that invites us face our unresolved issues from the past so that we can fully love in the present.

Richard Cole works at St Pancras Relationship Counselling. www.relatenow.co.uk

Cheese almost word for word I could have written your post a year ago except for two things.

One my xh had told me two years previously he wasnt happy so it wasnt quite as out of the blue as you describe.

Two he wouldnt consider counselling.

For the first 6 weeks after his announcement there were lots of tears and upsets and a short period of him saying he couldnt face splitting up. However he didnt change his actual behaviour one iota and did nothing to actually fix our 17 year relationship. I on the other hand did all I could without debasing myself to get him to stay. I quickly realised that he had emotionally left long since and nothing I could do would win him back.

A short time later an ow hoved into view and from telling me he didnt love me to moving out took a couple of months.

I recognised very quickly that I had already spent too long in my marriage trying to be someone he would love and his low opinion of me and poor treatment of me meant that once the shock subsided I let him go without ever wanting or expecting his return.

Your OP and the post where he tells you details of who he has identified as a possible partner suggests he has already left the building there is no other explanation for such crassness.

I see why you want to hang on and try to fix things and yes its important to feel you didnt just throw the towel in immediately but reading back your OP how long has this unhappiness been going on ? How long have you already spent melding to being how you think he wants you to be ? How long have you already spent making excuses for not being treated well ie with love and respect ?

Sorry Cheese I know this is hideously difficult , FWIW I am a year on and very very happy to rediscover myself and be free of someone who didnt love me as I did them

But Cheese don't you think that what you describe in your marriage is not a man who loved you, but a man who didn't love you?
The OP says that her DH says he loves her.

I think that all marriages go through a stage when one partner or the other wakes up one day and realises that the in love feeling has gone. To stay with that heady " in love" feeling for up to 60 years is just not possible.

If people really love one another then they will try to make the marriage work.

Maybe the OP's DH doesn't even love her- but surely it is best to work with what you have and try to make it better than chuck it all in for some romantic fairy-tale ideal that doesn't exist?

sorry- that should be directed at gettingeasier.

PP I take your point but if his idea of love is telling her about her potential replacements she can keep it.

Also I am not suggesting she pursues "some romantic fairy tale that doesnt exist" . If working with what you have involves a life of compromise , bending yourself out of shape to be wanted and generally being the work engine of the partnership then I personally prefer the option of being single.

I missed the bit about possible replacements- where is that? also I do agree that you should not try to make yourself into something you are not, just to fill your partner's ideal image.

Monday 1st Nov 8.29

Yep, I found the one about him saying he knew 2 women who might in theory fit the bill- BUT he also said he would rather live alone than blah blah.

I think he is very confused and I am not really surprised after settling down so young. In my experience, very few marriages that started when the partners were late teens/early 20s, have survived.

It is well recognised that we change hugely between 20 and 30; so what fitted the bill then may not any more.

My personal feeling is that no man is ready for marriage/commitment until he is pushing 30.

I know there are exceptions, but I am speaking generally.

In this case, i think it is vital they have counselling together and separately.

I think this lady needs counselling alone, to find out why she is willing to debase herself so completely in the fruitless clinging onto of one man.

He should be invited to fuck off and find himself.

AF that's a very harsh thing to say- maybe you mean to shock her into some kind of action, but to be described as debased while trying to save your marriage is not exactly supportive.

To give her DH his due, he has expressed doubts over how he is feeling; this at least allows them to try to work things out. Far better this, than her coming on here later saying he has left her or had an affair as a means to discover what he wants.

Marriages need to be worked on when they hit the rocks; telling your DH to fuck off when you both have responsibility for two children, and the marriage might be saved, is not exactly adult behaviour imo.

whining about how unhappy you are, and telling your partner you actually have your eye on your next mission to conquer is all very adult is it ?

the most adult way to manage this situation is not to tolerate it

You must be reading another post to me, as i didn't see anything about another mission to conquer- i saw his comments about how he feels theoretically about a couple of women, but had no desire to follow-through, and his comments about there is not simply one "Miss Right" in the world- all very vaild.

How can you expect someone to make the mental leap from loving a husband one day to telling him to fuck off the next because he has expressed doubts? His doubts come on the back of threatened redundancy which make me think he has had some kind of wake up call about his life generally and needs support.

And you haven't even touched on the resposibility to the children to try to make it work.

No parents should walk out of a marriage with that kind of speed when they have children to suppport.

And it's not debasing yourself to want to try to save your marriage.

I don't see how you can think that your comments are helpful or supportive to a woman who is distraught.

Nobody should leave a marriage lightly, agreed. However, nobody should suffer in a marriage where they aren't truly loved or valued. I do think though that based on what the OP has said, her H has gone far enough down the road of disengaging from her that a sharp shock is likely to be the most effective way of bringing this situation to a head.

His comments to his DW about other women were cruel and highly misjudged. If he genuinely wanted to kickstart the recovery of his marriage, that would probably have been the most inappropriate way to open discussions.

Like many others I put my XH's similar behaviour down to work stress, mid-life crises and the like, and then realised it really was just selfish fuckwittery. That's probably why a few of us are getting straight to the point and urging the OP not to indulge this selfish and soul-destroying behaviour. It's not quitting, it's taking back control of your life.

But that's the issue - you are all telling her what to do based on your own unhappiness. A counsellor would be neutral.

The way I read this, was that her DH mentioned that there were women he knew who were not repulsive, but that there was no way he wanted a fling or a relationship with them; I saw this as him reassuring her, trying to explain that he wasn't leaving for anyone else.

You don't throw away almost 20 years of a relationship just because someone has doubts for a few months.

There does seem to be a knee jerk reaction on Mn which is tell him to fuck off or kick him out the minute a man does anything remotely wrong, without thinking that the marriage could be saved.

Try as I might I cannot see anything the OP has said which makes it sound as bad as you are implying- he says he has doubts.

I'd definitely recommend counselling, whatever the outcome, the OP will need some support.

It's difficult not to project your own experience on to these situations, even more so given there's been an utter spate of these kind of threads recently. Sadly, they always seem to have the same outcome.

It would actually be really interesting to hear from people who have been through similar, and where things did turn around for them.