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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Imagine the scenario

95 replies

PurpleOne · 25/10/2010 18:16

You're out on a date with someone and the drinks are flowing freely.
The person you are on the date with,seems nice enough but has divulged an awful lot of information about themselves..and it doesn't sit right.

You do know that he's a single dad of two and registered homeless which isn't the issue here, but he has mentioned that he is not in contact with any of his family at all. Then you find out that he has absolutely no friends. That he takes himself out usually and has no-one to call up. He says he's desperately lonely and you can see he is getting upset by this.

Would you see this as a red flag and run for the hills? Particularly of the fact he has no close family or friends. Could you go on another date with Billy no mates?

WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

PurpleOne · 25/10/2010 18:43

anyone?

OP posts:

beingsetup · 25/10/2010 18:48

What a total bitch you are! There for the grace of god go you! So he's had some bad luck, for the record one in four have mental health problems or financial problems or whatever else problems.

But if you are so certain that fate will never strike you and that you are so superior to everyone else go for it.

Is he a nice person?

Do you get on with him?

Stop beeing a judgy person and give him a chance

scurryfunge · 25/10/2010 18:50

It would cause me to question whether he is capable of sustaining any adult relationship.

At best he could just be an introvert who likes his own company, at worst a sociopath who can't maintain relationships and will kill you

ZombieChickensHaveNoMercy · 25/10/2010 18:52

Sorry, but I'd run so fast he'd see only a fluttering beer mat in my wake.

crimsonpetal · 25/10/2010 18:52

Honestly? I would not bother. Having absolutely no friends or family onside whatsoever does say something about a person imo. You're not obliged to take him on just because he's had a tough life.

aleene · 25/10/2010 18:54

beingsetup, steady on, you are being a bit harsh there. purple one already said for example that being homeless was not an issue which says a lot for her.

Purple One - go with your instincts. In fact there is a thread about this just now. It is called something like If a guy tells you what he is like - listen.

ValiumSkeleton · 25/10/2010 18:54

too needy. It's not the homeless thing. It's the NO FRIENDS thing that is a red flag for me.

If you feel you need to help him, contact organisations which could help him. Give him a phone with some credit to ring his children. Let him take a shower at your house once a week at a pre=arranged time. But don't become his crutch or his confidante.

aleene · 25/10/2010 18:55

here

booooooooooyhoo · 25/10/2010 18:56

have you seen the other thread saying to listen to what someone tells you about them. i would suggest you read it.

ValiumSkeleton · 25/10/2010 18:56

Yes, aleene, I thought of that thread too. We all ignore that little tinkling bell because we want to prove we are polite, or aren't too fussy or aren't em, anti-homeless or whatever.

perfumedlife · 25/10/2010 18:56

I would like to think I would see him again if he was a nice guy. The no contact with his family, did he divulge any reasons for that whilst he was spilling?

His kids see no grandparents or aunts or uncles? That and no friends might make me rather suspicious but i would meet him again to find out more.

And a landline number and address since he is being so open. Where does he sleep with his kids?

booooooooooyhoo · 25/10/2010 18:56

ops, xpost aleene

2cats2many · 25/10/2010 18:58

Maybe I'm a bitch too, but I would run for the hills.

Original poster

PurpleOne · 25/10/2010 19:02

I assume his kids see grandparents on his ex wife's side.
He said he hasn't spoken to his parents in 3 years, made peace with his father last year but has only seen him once.

He sleeps with his kids in a bed n breakfast.

Blimey 'beingsetup' that was a bit harsh

OP posts:

ducati · 25/10/2010 19:02

Well maybe I am total bitch, but why would someone not have any friends and not be in touch with any member of their family? A nice guy down on his luck would still have mates, non?? Half the fun of a new boyfriend is meeting their mates and colleagues.

Also is it not normal when on date with someone new to try and highlight some of the positive aspects of one's life and character rather than guilt-trip them with a sob story? I have had bad luck in my time but wouldn't offload it all onto some poor guy on a first date. sounds like he wants you to rescue him.....

dignified · 25/10/2010 19:04

Like Scurry said , i too would wonder if he is capable of maintaining an adult relationship. Id also worry that he is trying to get you to feel sorry for him .
The homelessness thing would bother me too , it could suggest he is also financially irresponsible although i do apreciate that sometimes circumstances occur that are out of peoples control.

Somebody spilling theit guts like this ( particularly getting upset ) would have me running for the hills . He sounds like he could be emotionally demanding and could become very dependant on you .

Beingsetup , this comment isnt very nice " What a total bitch you are ". She doesnt have to date him if she doesnt want to .If your so bothered date him yourself , op doesnt have to and has every right to be concerned .

ooooozathon · 25/10/2010 19:13

Perhaps he has had to move around a lot and that's how ge hasn't maintained friendships?

Go with your guts on it - take extra care and guard yourself to some extent, but especially in cities, it's easy to become isolated, and as others have said, being homeless is no issue.

It's good he's being so honest with you. How did you meet?

beingsetup · 25/10/2010 19:21

I'm being harsh because women come on here every day saying they have no friends, whether it be because of dv or ea or just circumstances and they are ALWAYS listened to and given a voice.

She isn't even giving him a chance.

The post sees to indicate that she likes this guy and is discriminating because of his homelessness/lack of friends.

I apologise if I seemed harsh having a bad day and it was out or order but that is a whole different post!

Original poster

PurpleOne · 25/10/2010 19:24

dignified, maybe he spilled his guts like that because of the lack of social interaction. I don't know. He did say they were evicted, but for what, I don't know that either.

I mean, a lack of family and friends when you're in a time of crisis just doesn't seem right. He's had to cope with all of this alone, which takes a strong person.

I don't know how the kids cope. [too soon for all that]

OP posts:

ooooozathon · 25/10/2010 19:28

I guess on the plus side purpleone, if he's happy to talk about his circumstances, you should feel able to question him without feeling like you're giving him the Spanish inquisition!

Essentially, he could be bad news, he might not, so find out more and take it slow - that's the only advice I can give. You need to find out more, and he seems happy to tell you.

Why not try seeing him with your friends, to test his social abilities?

beingsetup · 25/10/2010 19:29

ooo and I'd love a date! Working full time lots of kids no time off and ex not taking them off my hands at all.

Sorry purple i was just writing a rant when the baby deleted my entire post!

So again, apologies for the bitch comment I am bitchy bitcherson today!!!!

hangs head

atswimtwolengths · 25/10/2010 19:30

One thing that would concern me is that he isn't in the right place for dating anyone. I think it's best to start dating when you're in a good place in your life, if possible.

He should be prioritising. I'm assuming he's not working, since he is also homeless - is that right? If not, doesn't he have any friendships at work?

I can understand someone losing everything - home, family etc through a divorce. However, to also lose his own family (parents etc) and all friends, seems to indicate there's something much more serious going on.

Any romantic relationship he has now is going to be uneven - too much depends on it for him - it would be his home, his future, his friendships, everything. The woman wouldn't be able to make a free choice - how could she dump him later, knowing he'd return to that state?

He needs to focus on getting a job and home first and then to make friends, before he thinks about a romantic relationship.

atswimtwolengths · 25/10/2010 19:32

Beingsetup - I don't think any of us would advise a woman on here who has no friends to embark on a romantic relationship, because we'd acknowledge that she would easily become too dependent on the man and would thus become even more vulnerable.

Don't you agree?

PercyPigPie · 25/10/2010 19:33

This would say to me that he is not capable of forming relationships either due to an unpleasant personality/personality disorder/aspergers/autism, or some other problem. I would explore more and dig to find out why he has no friends.

dignified · 25/10/2010 19:35

She isn't even giving him a chance.

But she doesnt have to ! She either likes him and is willing to overlook these things or she isnt , and thats ok. In terms of dating no one is obligated to see anyone again if they dont want to , to do so out of a sense of pity or guilt isnt apropriate.

Purple , did you like him , was he good company ? ( does he work ?)

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