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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Imagine the scenario

95 replies

PurpleOne · 25/10/2010 18:16

You're out on a date with someone and the drinks are flowing freely.
The person you are on the date with,seems nice enough but has divulged an awful lot of information about themselves..and it doesn't sit right.

You do know that he's a single dad of two and registered homeless which isn't the issue here, but he has mentioned that he is not in contact with any of his family at all. Then you find out that he has absolutely no friends. That he takes himself out usually and has no-one to call up. He says he's desperately lonely and you can see he is getting upset by this.

Would you see this as a red flag and run for the hills? Particularly of the fact he has no close family or friends. Could you go on another date with Billy no mates?

WWYD?

OP posts:
peasantgoneroundthebend4 · 25/10/2010 22:50

friendship at first to you se ehow it goes then decide once know more about him and if he is the person you want to take it further with

dignified

sometime sthe best friendships can be forged when your at your lowest becuase thats when you make friends an dknow there not just fair weather friends

AuraofDora · 25/10/2010 22:51

this can happen to people

how do you feel about him, all this aside? is there a spark, a connection

i think it depends what you really feel towards them

good idea about meeting for coffee,taking it slow

peasantgoneroundthebend4 · 25/10/2010 22:51

dignified

oh an di agree not the baths or the phone keep your home lifes seperate till know more about each other .

dignified ima soft touch but im not even that soft

D

hobbgoblin · 25/10/2010 22:52

One I met like this tried to strangle me and harmed my DC a few years down the line.

So, I'd run now while it's easy to if it were me all over again.

HTH

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 25/10/2010 22:58

I'd run. THere's a strong chance he's told you all this because he expects you to rescue him immediately and allow him to move in to your house. Just because you are a woman does not mean that you are under any obligation to look after everyone you meet. He may well have no friends because he's a total leech.

aurynne · 25/10/2010 23:02

I am at a loss with people who imply that a woman should "give a guy a chance" based on pity.

I make no apologies to accept or reject a possible date for whichever minutiae I decide to base my decision upon. And the example in the OP would make me run to the hills. I have had my fair share of being with someone "to try to help him", and nowadays I don't work as a free psychologist and a mother figure anymore. The person I may spend the rest of my life with has to sonform to MY conditions (and same the other way around, of course). And in my conditions, someone who hasn't been able to keep a single relationship (romantic, family or friends) is a big, red, flashing flag.

Being homeless would also affect my decision, by the way. It may not be a deal breaker, but wouldn't be a bonus. If some of you are as offended by this, you are welcome yourselves to them.

aurynne · 25/10/2010 23:02

sonform=conform

hobbgoblin · 25/10/2010 23:05

Those of you who think it so important to cut this guy some slack need to spend some time on the other side of an emotionally torturous relationship. It doesn't matter what the frikkin reasons are for emotionally leeching, financially draining behavioural traits, the fact is these people TAKE PIECES of YOU that you can often never get back. Sympathy is fine but anything more than that is madness.

dignified · 25/10/2010 23:17

I agree strongly with the last few posters . I ended up in a shit marriage , with several shit freinds because i was too nice and felt sorry for them .

Lateley ive had to fend off a " freind " who thinks its ok to ring me several times a day ranting and moaning about every aspect of her life .She feels entitled to my time and its all about her . I initially felt sorry for her as she was having a hard time , was loneley and had no freinds . No wonder , i realise now.

Did he apear interested in your life at all op ? Its odd he has no freinds at all , especially with small children , i wouldve thought he wouldve got freindly with at least a few other dads.

Original poster
PurpleOne · 25/10/2010 23:18

Why would homelessness be an issue for you aurynne?

[curious]

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleOne · 25/10/2010 23:27

He doesn't have small children, he said they were teenagers.

I'm also curious as to why the ex wife hasn't taken the children in for a while, even just to cut him some slack.
He did have an interest, dignified, the convo wasn't all about him.

OP posts:
DinahRod · 25/10/2010 23:43

I could accept that he's not in contact with family, as family can be odd, but I would be concerned by the complete lack of friends as often that's a way of checking someone out, especially if you are wary about their circumstances. Does the no contact with family include his children?

It feels like he wants/needs to be rescued and that doesn't feel healthy.

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 25/10/2010 23:43

I also agree with the people who said that someone who is homeless and desperately lonely should be working on sorting himself out, not dating. This man is almost certainly dating as a way of finding some mug kind woman to rescue him ie take him in and feed and launder and allow him sex in return for.. er... well... what, exactly?

Original poster
PurpleOne · 25/10/2010 23:51

Dinah no, his kids stay with him in a bed n breakfast. They are teenagers.

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 25/10/2010 23:57

If you had two men to choose from, as attractive as each other in every way except the issue of friendlessness, and homelessness, which would you choose?

DinahRod · 26/10/2010 00:05

Then that shows a level of responsibility and he might be a decent bloke.

But I still concur with SGB that he feels like he's looking around for someone to take him and the kids in, do his laundry, nurture him and put him back on his feet. Do you get that vibe or is he making plans for standing on his own two feet - job, permanent home etc?

Would wonder why no friends though - wrapped up in wife and kids? Moved area? ...

Googled him yet? Grin

dignified · 26/10/2010 00:06

The fact he has teenage kids and still no freinds would concern me even more. Thats years and years of various types of contact with other parents and nothings ever come of it .

It would seem apropriate for the kids to stay with there mum , perhaps they feel sorry for him and dont want to " abandon " him as such. If he was saying this stuff to you and getting upset its probably normal everyday behaviour from him.

Original poster
PurpleOne · 26/10/2010 00:10

Yes I have Googled and nothing comes up.

Only Facebook where we have been chatting the past few weeks.

OP posts:
ItsGhoulAgain · 26/10/2010 06:49

I'm another one who would come over as unsuitable dating material - lost home, money, friends, etc, and have recently embarked on a programme of losing my family, too. As someone wisely said upthread, I DO NOT DATE because my life isn't a great place for me at the moment, never mind anyone else!

Somebody who's dating while in this state is looking for a partner to save them. I strongly advise against choosing to be that person.

pithyslicker · 26/10/2010 06:58

Well it sounds like he's trying to make a friend-and you're being advised to keep away.

So how does he make friends then?

ItsGhoulAgain · 26/10/2010 06:59

OK, been re-reading your thread and asking myself if I'm projecting. While I would also feel like being a friend to the guy, I don't think it's likely to work in this situation. The greater likeliood is that he'll get a bit limpet-like, what with having nobody else and all, then you'll be faced with a bunch of anxiety & guilt when he's invading every aspect of your life and starting to reveal the issues that led to his bad luck. In fact, that happens to people who simply befriend the lost & lonely - as in meeting for a weekly cuppa.

There are too many mystery factors. I just don't thnk it's worth the risk.

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 26/10/2010 10:15

Also, PurpleOne (and I may be confusing you with another poster with a similar name in which cas please ignore this) - aren't you not in that great a place yourself? If you are struggling with issues of your own, then nothing is more disastrous than starting to date someone who's an utter mess - you will drag each other down and make each other worse.

dignified · 26/10/2010 12:36

Apart from all these issues about how he arrived here , and why he hasnt got any freinds ect , theres also the practical side of dating someone like this .

Im presuming hes short of money , therefore hes going to struggle to pay his way on dates , weekends away will likeley be out of the question due to finances and his teens , and i dont thin k youll want to spend evenings cooped up in his b and b. The other option will likeley be him spending time at your house , and considering his lack of boundarys id imagine you,d end up washing his clothes , feeding him ect.

Pithy , he would make freinds by not burdening people on his first meeting with his woe is me tales and stating how loneley he is .If hes got no freinds at all hes doing something wrong.

GypsyMoth · 26/10/2010 12:49

purpleone...can i ask again?? is this really your situation put to us in reverse??

(i remember your previous threads so wondered??}

Original poster
PurpleOne · 26/10/2010 18:29

Yes it is. I am that person I described in my OP.

I wanted a completely, unbiased opinion which I got...thanks.

Smile
OP posts:
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