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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what have I done?

94 replies

nickname2 · 22/10/2010 14:16

Ive just had lunch with my DP. Weve had a really bad week, in which he has had a lot of mixed thoughts about me, his exwife and the way forward. Its got to the point today that I have said to him.... right, ask her to stay with you and the DC for the weekend and see if you can ro want to make a go of it. Leave me out of it, if she says yes then you know she is serious about wanting to get back with you, if she says no then you put all thoughts of getting back with her out of your head, you know shes not serious is just playing you and you concentrate on me!!!

OMG, I had to do it, i had to say it for my own sanity, but im bricking it now. Deep down I dont think she will say yes, cos she has another boyfriend, and is setting up home with him, but she keeps txting my DP saying the new man means nothing and she misses my DP and would come back.

My DP has been in complete turmoil really since i met him and I know I should have walked away at that point but I couldnt.

Please dont tell me to give up on him and leave them to it, cos I cant at the moment, I love him and want to be with him. You are going to say Ive been incredibly understanding and that you would have knocked it on the head way back, but thats not me.

How do i get through tghe afternoon, hes not going to ring her till between 5 and 6 and then I will get my answer. If she says yes, she will give it a try, them I am prepared to walk away, Ive told him that. But if she says no then Im staying put and going to see it througgh with him, get his head straight for him and help him some more.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 22/10/2010 14:19

i'd back off and stay that way,regardless of what they decide.

let him do the running for a bit......

msboogieHallowqueen · 22/10/2010 14:20

But you're looking at this the wrong way round. If he wants to be with her, irrespective of what she wants, then you have no future with him.

Why would you allow yourself to be second prize?

ohforfoxsake · 22/10/2010 14:21

Nickname2, what an incredibly sad post.

I don't really know what to say. My first reaction is are you really happy being second place? He wants to get back with her, obviously, and the decision lies with her. Are you truely OK with that?

Maybe is he confused by her saying she wants him, but they both need to remember why they broke up in the first place.

Are they her DCs, or yours?

What I really think is that you are very brave.

You will get through this afternoon, a minute, an hour at a time.

Original poster
nickname2 · 22/10/2010 14:21

Msboogie -Ive been second best since this all started. And I dont know why I let my self be like that. i cant answer that one.

OP posts:
Original poster
nickname2 · 22/10/2010 14:23

they are their Dcs not mine.
she has treated him appallingly, he knows it, but seems to overlook it. althought he mentions it all the time. Ive told him he needs counselling to change his thoughts about her, hes prepared to go to counselling, just hasnt sorted it out yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
nickname2 · 22/10/2010 14:23

Dc live with him, she went off and left them He has interim custody order,.

OP posts:
mazzystartled · 22/10/2010 14:23

Blimey

if HE is prepared to ask her then you should for your own self-respect, happiness and sanity, walk away.

do you have children with this person?

Original poster
nickname2 · 22/10/2010 14:25

I know I should walk away, i should have walked along time ago, But I cant there is an enormous pull there, a thread I cant break.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 22/10/2010 14:26

I'm so sorry, nickname2.

I think the only way you can be happy now is to tell him it's off with you. He can then do whatever he wants with her and you won't have to know about it.

You haven't given us any background, so we don't know whether he was still married when you met him, whether you have children with him etc, so advice may be skewed.

However, if he isn't certain he wants you, be as brave as you can and just walk away. If he wanted you, he would be fighting for you to stay now.

You have obviously been through a really rough time - be kind to yourself now. If you make the decision to break up, you will be much happier in the long term.

mazzystartled · 22/10/2010 14:27

You sound like a loving, caring, giving person.

Find someone else who will deserve what you can offer.

Most people have "baggage" but being in love with someone else is too heavy a load to share.

atswimtwolengths · 22/10/2010 14:28

The pull is just your emotions getting in the way of reality. The fact is that he wants her back - there's nothing you can do about that. If he stays with you now because she doesn't want him, then how will that make you feel?

It seems to me you've felt bad for a long time and you probably will feel bad for a while, but if he stays for the wrong reason then you will ALWAYS feel bad.

Original poster
nickname2 · 22/10/2010 14:29

We broke up for 3 weeks 6 weeks ago, and he contacted me, missed me, etc etc. so I went back. Weve had a wonderful 6 weeks, really lovely time, hes been the most normal and lovely person towards me. Now this has all stemmed from her contacting him again originally over seeing the DC and then they got into a txt war and weve ended up here. Im so gutted again,I cant tell you what Ive done for him and his family since Ive known them.
Ive held him together, Ive dragged him to the docs when he was rock bottom with depression. Ive done everything I can.

OP posts:
Original poster
nickname2 · 22/10/2010 14:35

bumping for myself

OP posts:
mazzystartled · 22/10/2010 14:35

Please, please, find some self-worth.

Original poster
nickname2 · 22/10/2010 14:36

Mazzy - where do I find that from? Im not being stupid, how do you make yourself feel differently, please tell me

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 22/10/2010 14:37

what mazzy said

you need to walk away with your head held high

no good saying 'don't tell me to walk, i can't'

yes you can !

take back some control and bin him

you are his booby prize, taht's no life

find a man who does not want to women fighting for him, but one who loves you for you and doesn't amek you beg

Original poster
nickname2 · 22/10/2010 14:39

Beg is the operative word here.....you would all hit me in the real world because only yesterday, I said to him.... Please choose me!!! I mean how pathetic is that, what have I done? I must be mad

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 22/10/2010 14:41

You're going to stay put, and see this through? Do you honestly have such little self worth that you're prepared to stay when you know you aren't really what he wants?

The fact that he didn't insist that he wouldn't even ask her such a question answers everything, you don't need to wait for her answer.

He's not over her. It's nothing you can help with, he has to do it in his own time. If anything, you'll prolong it. He needs to be with her, or by himself.

ohforfoxsake · 22/10/2010 14:41

Nickname2, have you considered counselling yourself? I think it would really help you.

I've been to Relate on my own and it has made me see things from a very different perspective. It will help you see things clearly for yourself, and also from his and her perspective.

But mostly it will be about you and how you can or cannot cope with this situation.

msboogieHallowqueen · 22/10/2010 14:51

Yes deffo look into counselling. I am sorry yu are in this horrible situation but if you valued yourself and loved yourself you would walk away and leave them to it.

There is always going to be something between them since they have kids and if there is unfinished business on either side it will be very difficult for you.

you deserve better, everyone does, and you won't "win" by hanging on in there for grim death.

Original poster
nickname2 · 22/10/2010 14:55

To be honest he says he doesnt know if he can love me like I love him. Hes very honest with me. And he says that because he still has alot of feelings for her. so if he lost the feelings for her then he could maybe feel differently towards me. He would lose the feelings in time and when he realises that shes just playing him along so that she can get the kids off him in time. Next custody hearing is in February. shes renting a new house with the new man, big enough to hold the dc too. she hates the fact that we are together.

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 22/10/2010 14:59

If he lost feelings for her, it doesn't mean he would feel different about you just because you happen to be there.

Honestly, cut the strings. You can't save him. You can't make him love you.

Original poster
nickname2 · 22/10/2010 15:01

that is so NOT what I want to hear, but I know you are all right. Im so sad.

OP posts:
ohforfoxsake · 22/10/2010 15:02

Maybe she doesn't really want him, but doesn't want him to be with anyone else?

I don't think this is about you if that helps, but about them. But you will be the one who is most hurt, though DP won't come out of it unscathed I'll bet.

SheWillBeLoved · 22/10/2010 15:04

Don't be sad. Be happy :) you deserve more than settling for the second best booby prize, you deserve to be with someone who really loves you and isn't just fond of you or feels it is his duty to love you back.

But you'll never find the man who can truly love you whilst you hang onto this one who's heart is tangled up elsewhere.