what have I done?

[nickname2]

Ive just had lunch with my DP. Weve had a really bad week, in which he has had a lot of mixed thoughts about me, his exwife and the way forward. Its got to the point today that I have said to him.... right, ask her to stay with you and the DC for the weekend and see if you can ro want to make a go of it. Leave me out of it, if she says yes then you know she is serious about wanting to get back with you, if she says no then you put all thoughts of getting back with her out of your head, you know shes not serious is just playing you and you concentrate on me!!!

OMG, I had to do it, i had to say it for my own sanity, but im bricking it now. Deep down I dont think she will say yes, cos she has another boyfriend, and is setting up home with him, but she keeps txting my DP saying the new man means nothing and she misses my DP and would come back.

My DP has been in complete turmoil really since i met him and I know I should have walked away at that point but I couldnt.

Please dont tell me to give up on him and leave them to it, cos I cant at the moment, I love him and want to be with him. You are going to say Ive been incredibly understanding and that you would have knocked it on the head way back, but thats not me.

How do i get through tghe afternoon, hes not going to ring her till between 5 and 6 and then I will get my answer. If she says yes, she will give it a try, them I am prepared to walk away, Ive told him that. But if she says no then Im staying put and going to see it througgh with him, get his head straight for him and help him some more.

Can't believe this thread. OP, you need to build your self worth. Otherwise you are like someone at the fair inviting people to thow custard pies at you.

Dust yourself down, get a facial and haircut and get back out there. There are people out there either with or without baggage who will love you. This man does not love you, and he probably never will.

Hugs - you can do this! Do it for yourself

daphanee you have possibly been unlucky with this guy, but tbh you haven't known him long, have very little day to day personal contact, it's possible he's not taking your relationship as seriously as you are.

It's also highly possible that he's taking advantage of the fact that you are so far away and using it to be adored from near and from far.

As you have had abusive relationship before this, I'm venturing that the distance thing is what worked for you. In that 99% of the time, you are in a relationship, but he is no threat to you, you are safe.

I think you have grown, but it's less than a year and this was a 15yr relationship. You may have found some self esteem, but IMHO you need a good few months on your own totally to heal, to reflect and to see why you are drawn to the kind of people that may hurt you.

Be kind to yourself, love yourself and then everyone else will. Only you can do this, alone.

We can help, RL friends can help, but a relationship is potentially not going to be 100% healthy until you work all this stuff through with yourself.

Nickname: is this the bloke that wanted to explore his bi-side aswell? Because I think this man is telling you in every way possible that he is NOT THAT INTO YOU. If you carry on clutching at him and whining and promising you will do anything as long as he doesn't leave, then his behaviour to you will get more and more unkind as he is trying to get rid of you.

LMHF. Just to let you know I've requested these posts be deleted as I felt that I was taking over the thread, but thanks for taking the time to respond. You are right about the distance suiting me if I'm honest. And he wasn't even the one for me, I knew that really, but we got on great, and the loneliness vanished, as he was always at the end of the phone, loving thoughtful texts and emails throughout the day, every day....and of course a long phone call every night. I'm struggling as the loneliness has come back to bite me on the arse, ten fold. I need to get him out of my head, and carry on the process I'd started before I met him, I was doing so well, it's just very painful at the moment.
This is going to make no sense once my other posts are deleted.

Not wishing to continue with a hijack, but daph, you need to be kinder to yourself and take the time to get to know YOU again. Work THROUGH the loneliness.

You need to appreciate YOU so that you won't attract abusive types anymore.

You are right you need to get him out of your head. You need to get YOU inside YOUR HEAD!

Good luck

Oh and I wouldn't have said you are taking over the thread, your experience can help others in the same situation. Remember that.

OP you might as well throw yourself at hid feet and cling round his ankles begging him to stay whilst licking his boots. He does not love you and he never will you would always be competing with the ghost of her. Always on edge that she might click her fingers at him to come back coz you know deep down he'd drop you like a hot potato where that to happen.

Please, please have some self respect.

Hi nickname,

U are really in love with him . I know how u can get so intensley in love but the fact is he will never love you the same. If he can consider getting bk with his ex tht proves he doesn't love you at all. I bet u could not consider any other man could you? That's because u love him . He can consider a woman he doesn't love u. Your 2nd best , he prob doesn't want 2 be on his own prob because you make it so easy 4 him, so if there is noone else he will go bk 2 u.
ThE only thing u can do is stop all of this or you are going 2 get even more hurt the longer u carry on with him.
The real way 2 play this is 2 back off. Don't let him have his way. Say sort yourself out your not hanging around. U need to say this and stop seeing him and c if he contacts u. then u will know. U can find the love u deserve.

Be strong,keep busy fine the willpower x

Rachyanmeg.. sorry we don't do txtskp here...

[hgrin]

You can't help who you love and you can't decide not to love someone.

However you end or continue with this it has to be on your own decision and when you are ready.

You may be on a sinking ship - if you want to lash yourself to the wheel and see if it floats then do that - if it does all well and good - it not you will come bobbing back up when it breaks up under you!

I agree with all the comments above but I've never won any head/heart arguments in the past - sometimes you don't need to do anything.

LMHF, thank you for the advice. It really helps.

nn2, how are you?

Daphaneee - I dont know how I am, Scared of coming back on here just for people to tell me how stupid I am. I know how stupid I am. Had an ok type of weekend with him, had some laughs and went for a lovely long walk yesterday. He has been ok, but not acting like a boyfriend really, apart from the hand holding whilst walking !!!!

I know, I know!!! I stayed at his all weekend, But......Oh god I dont know where this is going.

Hi nn2

you could find out how this is going, by taking some control for yourself

you are acting like some sort of frozen bystander in your own life, waiting for him to decide which way to go

the feeling you will get from making your own mind up will be fantastic, being at the mercy of somebody else's whims is a very bad place to be

I would imagine that eventually the decision will be taken out of your hands. If he's willing to go back to his ex, he evidently doesn't care about you at ALL so it's only a matter of time until his ex finally does take him back or he finds someone else. Either way you WILL be dumped because he does not care about you. You are a convenient amusement for him while he has nothing else to do.

Your only choice is whether you want to continue to lap up the crumbs he chooses to give you or whether you want to find some dignity and walk away.

I think you really need some help to work on yourself because you don't seem to have a healthy view of yourself or what you deserve

Even if he didn't still love his wife you would have no chance anyway because he won't be able to respect you because you don't respect yourself.

I suggest you back right off as hard as it will be for you, then maybe it'll be a shock for him to see that you're not always available.

hi
I have only skim read this thread but nn2 you put me in mind of something I read in a book once, about how the woman would pick needy broken men and 'fix' them but then be surprised when they went off to other people once they were fixed.
I have always understood a relationship, to be successful has to be fairly equal. You are allowing him to make all the decisions about your life when quite frankly I don't think he even considers you or your feelings.
I hate to sound harsh but I think he is using you, to help him sort himself out, to comfort him and make him feel better about himself whilst all the time grinding you down little by little.
No-one deserves to be a bystander in their own life. No-one wants to be on their own either. Sometimes it is better to cut your loses. A life halved lived and all that....

nn2, I feel for you sweetheart, I really do. I might be wrong but I think you're far away from being strong enough in yourself to even be able to contemplate what these ladies are talking about. I don't know how you go about getting to where you need to be, but it's not going to happen while you're with him, you'll just go round and round in circles, waiting, hoping for him to love you the way you need, and it isn't going to happen. I'm so sorry for you, you must be all over the place.