what have I done?

[nickname2]

Ive just had lunch with my DP. Weve had a really bad week, in which he has had a lot of mixed thoughts about me, his exwife and the way forward. Its got to the point today that I have said to him.... right, ask her to stay with you and the DC for the weekend and see if you can ro want to make a go of it. Leave me out of it, if she says yes then you know she is serious about wanting to get back with you, if she says no then you put all thoughts of getting back with her out of your head, you know shes not serious is just playing you and you concentrate on me!!!

OMG, I had to do it, i had to say it for my own sanity, but im bricking it now. Deep down I dont think she will say yes, cos she has another boyfriend, and is setting up home with him, but she keeps txting my DP saying the new man means nothing and she misses my DP and would come back.

My DP has been in complete turmoil really since i met him and I know I should have walked away at that point but I couldnt.

Please dont tell me to give up on him and leave them to it, cos I cant at the moment, I love him and want to be with him. You are going to say Ive been incredibly understanding and that you would have knocked it on the head way back, but thats not me.

How do i get through tghe afternoon, hes not going to ring her till between 5 and 6 and then I will get my answer. If she says yes, she will give it a try, them I am prepared to walk away, Ive told him that. But if she says no then Im staying put and going to see it througgh with him, get his head straight for him and help him some more.

I dont think its about me, I have never thought that. All the way along its been about him and his feelings and her and hers. I havnt really figured in any of it. Our whole relationship has been me counselling him, helping him, distracting him, but I then fell in love with him!!!

shewillbeloved - I know all that, Ive just realised I may have said what I said today to actually put an end to it subconciously!!! is that possible? Is that what ive done?

by that I mean I hope you won't take it on yourself and feel bad.

You are in an unfortunate situation, fell in love with the wrong person I guess.

I think you need to step out of the relationship, concentrate on yourself. He will come to you if that's the way it is going to be. I think it will also help him.

You are too good for him in many ways, because you are caring, compassionate and deeply in love with him. Let him make his decision and realise what he has to lose. Then you and he will be starting again from the right place.

I feel physically sick!! Im at work and cant do anything

My DP went back to his wife to try again 'for the sake of the children' after we had been going out for a couple of months. This was after guilt trip hell from her.

It lasted less than 48 hours. It would have lasted less but they went away for the weekend so they could be together without the DC's.

He called me and begged me to give him another chance. I talked it over with my best friend who gave me very good advice. She said that if I did not give him another chance I would always wonder what would have happened, and that it is incredibly hard for someone to leave their children (I haven't got kids). So I gave him one chance.

As they say, Reader I married him. We have now been married for over 10 years. And I can't imagine being with anyone else. If you truly are meant to be together you will be. But it is a long hard road as a Stepmum. Very long and very hard. Make sure he is worth it.
Good luck

Nickname2, you sound to me like those muslim second wives.. You can't do that to yourself.

You go wishy washy on this occaision and you will never reaalistically be able to stand up to him again.

End it.

Mean it.

If he wants it, he will tell Ex that it's over and it's you he wants.

if he doesn't, you deserve better, and he doesn't deserve you.

Don't ever cow tow to blokes like that, teh power goes to their heads.

Think of it this way.

With this bloke, you are not taking on a clean sheet, you are taking on baggage in some way shape or form. You are sacrificing that clean sheet, the no ties, the 100% you couple time, because of his past.

Women like you, to accept a bloke like him, with a past and history etc, are not as plentiful as you think. If he wants to be with you, he has to make this sacrifice of yours worth your while. And that is only achieved by him placing you in a position of high respect and regard, not faffing about with his ex bloody wife.

Be brave, if you lose him over this, it's for a reason. Better will come.

Be firm, stand tall, make HIM do the running now. Dignity, dignity, dignity!

GAH, spelling! [hblush]

WkdSM - thanks for that. I have my own grown up DCs and grandchildren now!! I do feel that we are not done yet IFYSWIM, its not over yet for us, theres still more to come, i dont know why I feel like that, but I do. Its like I cant give up because its not right to.
Oh I wish I had a magic wand or a glass ball! How many people have ever said that !!!

"Ive held him together, Ive dragged him to the docs when he was rock bottom with depression. Ive done everything I can."

You did all this for him and he's still unsure?

Tell him to trot off, seriously.

Ahem, I'll shut up in a minute

thanks Littlemiss x

Noplease dont shut up, please have your say. it all helps.

It is right to give up. You know why? Because it's not you he wants. The only thing that there will be more of to come is heartache, and it'll only be yours.

going for a fag, sorry but I need one !!

I'd just like to say that if you love someone, you will do almost anything to help them through the hard times. It is not about keeping score - helping someone when they are depressed and supporting them is all part of loving them. Whoever they are.

Only you know your true feelings and if you think he is worth it then you will continue to ignore the naysayers and carry on.

Oh - and most of us have 'a past and a history' - I don't have kids but I certainly had baggage from a previous relationship.

thanks WkdSM I know what you are saying.
Im going to be off of here at 4pm and wont be back on till I epxect Ive heard the verdict :( OMG Im going to have to leave it arent I if she agrees to the weekend thing. Problem is, theyve tried all this before and he said it was strange and he didnt like the fact that she was back in the house or the way she treated the DCs, admittedly it was only for a weekdn and this time we are talking about next Thurs/Fri/Sat and Sun. But I truly think she will say no cos she wants to be with the new man 250 miles away and take the Dcs with her for the four days.

I'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear but you sound like you have such crashingly low self esteem and self worth that you give love, so much love out to get some love back and I'm afraid your DP is not the man to give it back to you. He has even told you this ina roundabout way!
CUT YOUR LOSSES! Seriously.
You know he wants to be with his wife, you know if she rejects him you will end up always living in her shadow, always wincing every time she texts or sees the children.
It's no life for you.

What I think you should do is (no matter what she says today):
1.leave him
2.and then see if he begs and begs you to come back
3.don't go back, not until you're feeling good about yourself. Get some counselling, CBT, whatever. Then reassess whether or not he is serious, and worth it.

I had bad anorexia in my teens and really low self esteem and it's tough but even I now feel better about myself to the point where I don't need anyone's validation. I would not stay in a relationship like that.

Take my advice - book girlie nights out for when he can't be there with you - used to drive mine crazy that he would call ( when he had the kids before I was allowed to meet them) to say goodnight - I would be saying - Can't hear you - in a bar somewhere going off to a Club - - have a good night with the kids.

Ha ha

Kept him on his toes a bit.

thank you all for all your opinions and help, Im useless I know Iam. weak and spineless it would seem.

"Oh - and most of us have 'a past and a history' - I don't have kids but I certainly had baggage from a previous relationship."

I hope no one took that as a slight, I agree entirely, but there comes a point where we as individuals have to be selfish.

cold hard light of day, 2 identical blokes, same lifestyle, humour, looks, prospects, only one has and ExW and kids, the other one doesn't. which is more attractive a choice. be honest.

I know we all have baggage, but emotional baggage is a whole other world to RL kids, visitation, maintenance, holidays, christmasses etc etc etc.

Nickname is making allowances, far too many considering the package she is getting.

if it were pristine, no hassle, no alternate weekends, let's jack it all in and bugger off around the world my treat, stuff like that, then it's worth holding out for... to a point.

This bloke has been hard bloody work (I've been depressed,I know I was a nightmare and I can't play the ManFluAmDying card IYSWIM), and he's unsure... Un-ffing-grateful more like.

I agree when you love someone it's not about bean counting. But this texting the ex missus lark forces Nickname to stop and appraise the situation, take stock and see where the scales balance to.

it seems mightily unbalanced in his favour (surprise surprise)

Nick, if nothing else, why not take a break from each other. You need to get to know yourself better. he needs to grow the ff up.

got to go now. be back later when I know whats happening and i can make another decision!!! Dont want this. Dont deserve this. thanks again. back later x

"thank you all for all your opinions and help, Im useless I know Iam. weak and spineless it would seem."

Somebody hold her, I'll slap her...

If you were any of the above you would be saying OK honey and it'd all be fine.

You are not, you have told him off, and you are posting here for help. We are discussing it with you, holding your hand and encouraging you to stick to your guns because, above all else, you are worth more than you think, and way, way way more than this clown is treating you.

It's OK, FGS, switch the phone off. let him sweat and take yourself off to the cinema. Buy a yummy bottle of vino, a takeaway and go home. Unplug phones, keep mobile off and shut out the world.

What shite is on the box tonight? Nick, if you are on twitter, a whole heap of us from MN end up watching shite and moaning about it... I'm @LilMsHissyFit.

But don't you see nickname, if you carry on with this 'helping' charade, he will love you even less than he does now.

There is not a man alive that wants a woman with such low self esteem. Well, no worthwhile man alive. There is nothing attractive for him, he wants to feel his woman is a catch, a prize, and not the booby prize, which you are offering yourself as.

There is no more to be said, get out of there, fast. The only small chance you have of turning this around is by calling it off and showing him you are worth more than this tawdy waiting game. Do it, you wont regret it, I promise you.

I don't think you are weak and spineless. I think you are brave to give him the go-ahead to find out if she wants him.

But you know that both of you will never be truely happy together if she says no because you will together because of her rejection.

You need to walk away.

You are prepared to do so much for him.

The best thing you could do for him is leave him.

This doesn't have to be the end of it, life rolls on and he may wake up one day to realise you are the love of his life.

Wouldn't it be better to have a man who knows he loves you, and doesn't think he loves someone else?

I'm watching this thread with interest, as I find myself in a similar situation at the moment, not exactly the same but similar. Hang on in there nickname2! I'm hanging on by my fingertips at the moment, I have been all week, and my head is shot, and my heart been stamped on. I feel discarded, used, abandoned and so alone, BUT, we deserve to be number one, we deserve to be cherished and loved, not just a fucking stop gap til what they really want comes around again. As LMHF said dignity, dignity, dignity.....it's not something that is coming easy but I'm fighting almost minute by minute to keep it in my mind. I know if I lose the dignity, it will cause me huge pain, even more than I feel now. Good luck sweetheart, you are not weak, what you've done today is the right thing, for everyone, and you will gain strength from this.