what have I done?

[nickname2]

Ive just had lunch with my DP. Weve had a really bad week, in which he has had a lot of mixed thoughts about me, his exwife and the way forward. Its got to the point today that I have said to him.... right, ask her to stay with you and the DC for the weekend and see if you can ro want to make a go of it. Leave me out of it, if she says yes then you know she is serious about wanting to get back with you, if she says no then you put all thoughts of getting back with her out of your head, you know shes not serious is just playing you and you concentrate on me!!!

OMG, I had to do it, i had to say it for my own sanity, but im bricking it now. Deep down I dont think she will say yes, cos she has another boyfriend, and is setting up home with him, but she keeps txting my DP saying the new man means nothing and she misses my DP and would come back.

My DP has been in complete turmoil really since i met him and I know I should have walked away at that point but I couldnt.

Please dont tell me to give up on him and leave them to it, cos I cant at the moment, I love him and want to be with him. You are going to say Ive been incredibly understanding and that you would have knocked it on the head way back, but thats not me.

How do i get through tghe afternoon, hes not going to ring her till between 5 and 6 and then I will get my answer. If she says yes, she will give it a try, them I am prepared to walk away, Ive told him that. But if she says no then Im staying put and going to see it througgh with him, get his head straight for him and help him some more.

Forgot to add, a lot of the advice offered here by you ladies is also helping me immensely, much appreciated, even though it wasn't meant for me it's helping to keep me strong.

if you all care to trot along to the WT...? LMHF thread, you can see how I got to the disengage, dignity stance.... wasn't easy, but it's literally the only way, it's self preservation. We shouldn't NEED to self preserve, so I am told...

Basically, as I am given to understand, and perhaps those with normal fellas can back me up here, but I hear that normally blokes support you mentally, they put you first and care about you. basically all the wonderful nurturing caring feelings we pour into these emotional vampires, rather than it vanishing into a bottomless chasm, gets bounced right back at us, mirrored and reflected.

daphanee how can we help YOU honey????

UPDATE
He rang me and said hed spoken to her. asked if she would stay next week with dcs (as its her weekend to have them) so that they could see how they got on etc etc. Her response was NO theres more for the DCs to do in XXX so im taking them there!!!
So i said right how do you feel about that he said he didnt feel anything, wasnt annoyed, wasnt crying, wasnt sad, just nothing (he started on peozac two weeks ago, so maybe they have kicked in).
so I said so what now then? what should i do? /He said just cos she doesnt want to do this doesnt mean I am just going to turn to you and say right Im going to love you now. I said know that. He said I dont know weve had a hell of a week, could do with just kicking back tonight, but dont want to be sat on my own. I said but you cant want me to come eound just for the company, You need to want me. He said he' call me when the dcs were in bed. I said ok.
I then typed out a 4 page txt telling him if he couldnt love me properlyu then we should call it a day right now and that if he wanted me he would let me know..........BUT i havnt sent it, im scared to send it, in case he says ok then. OMG !!!

please send it.

actually no, don't send it.

Ring him and TELL him.

I'm liking the hard stare, it feels like someone does care on this dark, cold, miserable, lonely evening...hoorah... I don't want to hijack the thread, but I feel in all probabilities I will consume too much wine tonight to start my own. But you know, once I get the little one to bed...well, we shall see.

I dont want to lose him. Its almost like I will accept just a little bit if i cant have a big bit, do you know what I mean.

nn2, this will just go on...and on....until you stop it.

Sorry for you daphaneee

What did you do Daphneee? How did you stop it?

you haven't actually got him to lose though have you? Not really.
Don't mean to sound harsh at all.

If he isn't putting you first now, what's to say someone else won't come along who he feels more strongly about?

Are you scared of being on your own?

I know, but I have in a way. I see him every night, we do stuff with the DCs at weekends, we talk every day phone and txt. we see eachother every lunctime. She is 250 miles away.But I know what you mean.

better still, give me his number and I will tell him

look love, please find some self-respect

if he even asked her for this, you should know you are second best

never mind she said no

now you say no and get it into your head he's just not that into you

if you stay with him, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of being treated like shit

who could respect an abject mess of neediness like you are presenting yourself as ??

Im not scared to be on my own, been on my own before. But dont want to be. I need to be with someone, but in the proper sense, not like this, not like friends.

My situation is different to yours, and I'd like to explain for you but I have my ds in the bath and very soon there will be more water on than floor than in the bath, I need to do my mama stuff, I'll try and come back. Find strength in these ladies words nn2, they speak a lot of sense.

Nn2, been lurking around a bit...you seem really a wonderful person, you don't deserve to be treated like this.
So she said no, but ffs, he himself told you that's no reason he'll turn to you now! I think this is a clear enough message, he doesn't value your attentions enough even to soften the blow...and even if he didn't tell you so, what would you do? Live in her shadow fearing the day she might change her mind?
I know it's hard to let go, but as I said to my dsis 6 months ago when she was with a bastard, out there in the rl there's already a man who'll be incredibly glad you did. Btw she met him and they're engaged, he's a fantastic bloke and kisses the ground where she stands!
Be brave and sooner than later you'll be glad you let him go.

Ok, after reading 3 pages of this, I cant not post what I think (apologies in advance)

He is using you! Using you for company, comfort and sex. Using you so that he feels wanted and needed and you end up feeling like a pile of unwanted crap!

That is no way to be treated. Use your love for someone who will love you back, treat you with respect and be your friend and lover, not just the person who 'helped him when his marriage collapsed'

OP, please please seek some help to boost your self esteem. And tell him not to contact you again! Its over.

nn2 and daphanee, you both deserve someone who adores you, it can happen, you just need to be single for a while, get comfortable in your own skin, and love yourselves,... then it will be time to find someone, or someone will found you...there needs to be love, at least at the begining, with the years come the problems, money, kids, work... and sometimes you survive on the memories of how lovely the begining was, and the hope it will be like that again.

you deserve to be love, if it doesn't happen, his lost, you probe to him what a lovely caring person you are, so far he has proben to be... spainless.

Like I said earlier, he will want you even less now. He has seen just how desperate you are, for the crumbs at his table. He may even despise you. Is that what you want?

It's not over, it was never on to begin with. The guy is in love with his wife and is not even pretending otherwise. Please op, step away, this is giving womanhood a bad name. I don't know you and I'm embarrassed for you. I swear, I am sitting at home, in Glasgow, blushing as i read this.

Wow, whats spainless?

Needafootmassage is right - being single means you can have the sort of relationship you deserve in the future. Being in this one means giving, giving, giving and gettting precious little in return.

Don't see hom tonight or tomorrow. Tell him you think you both need some thinking time after the week you have had. Then call a friend or relative, have a coffee or a night out, browse the shops, clean out a cupboard, have a bath and watch X factor in your pjs. ANYTHING as long as it's something just for YOU! See how it feels to look after yourself and put yourself first for a few days.

I've been the giver in a relationship and eventually got to the point I realised I liked the peace of my own company more than the drama of our relationship where it all revolved around him.

Have a weekend where it all revolves around you go on, your worth it!

And another thing - if you say you want a weekend to yourself so you can both think and he doesn't give you that time then this proves that he is placing his own needs above yours and you should be very wary about staying in the relationship.

When you think about it for him to spend a few days alone knowing they will see their partner on Monday is not a huge ask. For someone to not be able to do this indicates a either a neediness, an inability to cope alone or a disregard for your needs and wishes - none of which are desirable in traits in a man professing to love you. And in a man who can't say he wants to be with you are even less desireable...