You attitude to Pornography

[BethanJKendra]

Hey guys. Just joined but have been a long time browser of the site.

I was just wondering what everyone's attitude to their OH watching porn was? My DH does and is quite open about it. He's asked me to join in but it's not really my scene. I've never really minded him doing it, though. I thought it was just something most guys did to get off, not all that different from reading a trashy romance novel or the like.

The thing is, I got a call from my friend the other day. She was distraught, in floods of tears. I go meet her and apparently she's split up with her boyfriend of four years because she found porn in his internet history.

At first I thought it must have been something sick or disgusting to prompt such a reaction from her. I asked, and she explained it was just regular, man on woman stuff (some woman on woman, of course). The reason she was so upset was because she didn't like the idea of him imagining or seeing other women naked.

Am I wrong to think she is being unreasonable? I could understand if he was actively deceiving her, but that doesn't seem to be the case, unless you count lying by omission. It makes me think that maybe I'm wrong to be so laid back about it.

What are other people's views?

I feel the same way your friend does. Granted,I feel that way because I like a LOT of sex in a relationship and feel like if my partner is expending energy on porn he's denying me sex. So that's perhaps a bit different that how most women feel, which is, I think, more related to viewing it as a kind of cheating.

You're not wrong to like porn. The only argument against porn that has any validity when objecting to other people's enjoyment of it is that some porn is produced by the exploitation of unwilling participants. But it's not difficult to find stuff that is produced by enthusiastically consenting adults.

I like it as does my DH. Its a fundemental part of almost any relationship. If you have a healthy attitude towards it there is nothing to hide and therefore nothing to be embarrassed about.
We like to put a DVD on fast forward it, stop it at a random place and act out the scene that is on.

Imagine my surprise when I ended up in a gangbang with 4 rather well endowed coloured chaps.

sighs it is extremely offensive to use the term 'coloured' or 'Oriental' for that matter.

Nothing wrong with porn if enjoyed in moderation. Excessive usage can change one's behaviour and not only that, a person becomes 'immune' to certain genres and begins to look for more 'hardcore' genres. I speak from experience.

Amazon, can you tell me how it feels to be offended? What else offends you? Could you please tell me the correct term that I should of used and the context in which I should use it?

SA: While I suspect that Bucketcrutch is being, um, mischevious, I rather think that 'coloured' is more of an outdated term used by thick people than a malicious one.

I wholly dispute that it's a fundamental part of any relationship. Wholly.

I also don't think it's particularly rational to break up with someone because you don't like them imagining other naked women, but I wonder if the OP's friend had made it very clear to her partner that she was completely against porn prior to the discovery? Because if that's her boundary she does have a right to express it. And he has a right to decide whether to continue the relationship or not under such terms, of course.

Bethan, I have feminist objections to pornography, but I don't think it's wrong to be laidback from a monogamy point of view, or anything. My concern for you would only be that if you actually, genuinely, didn't like porn, you would feel able to tell your husband that. You do get a say in things, that's all.

If it is jointly introduced to the relationship to the benefit of both parties then I dont see a problem with it. If it is underhanded and done secretly then surely that is far worse? If a man can lie about porn what else can he lie about?

I'm not being mischevious SBSUB as far as I am aware it isnt an offensive term and I have asked for suitable alternatives to be provided, its a bit like being called thick, but I wont get offended as being offended on an internet forum doesnt really achieve a lot.

@Solid - Heh.

Bucketcrutch dear, the term 'coloured' was given to slaves to denote people with no identity - just human cargo to be owned.

Suitable alternatives would be African, Afro-Caribbean, in or if you really cannot be bothered, then Black will suffice (the term Blacks refers to people who are dark skinned in colour but not necessarily African; think dark skinned Cubans and Brazillians).

However, given your previous comment (which suggests that you are quite comfortable to stereotype Black men as sexual objects with large members), then I would recommend 'Mandingo'.

What else offends me? People who fast forward porn, stop it at a random place and act out the scene that is on.

That is bogus!

Yeah I watch porn every now and then, my wife knows I do as well. Doesn't affect our sex life at all really.

Surrey,

coloured is offensive to white middle class people who mistake their high horse for faux offense, how about you dismount? I could be offended that you think sexual acts that my husband and I enjoy would be bogus, clearly the last bit was added as a humourous addendum, however as I am new to this site my post was not taken in the manner it was meant and for that I apologise to anyone who was genuinely hurt by that comment(not faux offended) I am struggling to work out if you are a troll or just a genuine attention seeker, one who owns a black(not coloured or oriental) cat that is bigger than everyone elses.

To anyone else who maybe 'offended' by my use of the word coloured then I apologise but it isnt a word that is deemed offensive up here.

I tend to think terms about skin colour - whether you choose 'black' [hint] or whatever - have more place in a discussion about porn than some other topics. People have body fetishes, whether it be blondes, abnormally large protrusions, or whatever. Anyway. I used to be avergely cool about porn but then a few things happened and I've changed my mind.

I've been partly influenced by the fact that ordinary porn's a lot 'harder' than it was in the 70s-80s and partly by the trafficking/exploitation issue. But mostly because I have finally got the objectification argument. Porn reduces the players to bundles of flesh. I wish it weren't so, but it is. If a partner of mine was a porn user, I'd have it in my mind that he wasn't making lurve with me so much as fucking a piece of flesh. And, from there, I'd feel he might prefer it if I were as reliable, hairless, labia-less and altogether less human a piece of flesh than the woman I am.

That lays me open to accusations of insecurity - yes, I am insecure as it goes - but it's not the real point. I want the person I'm having sex with to be having sex with me, not mentally replacing me with some photo-retouched creature. I want him to recognise women as people: complex, sexual, feeling, thinking humans.

Both you and your mate, OP, seem to be taking polarised stances - I assume you posted for a variety of responses rather than the specific issue. If you're asking, though, I think your friend did the right thing: not altogether because of the porn, but because of the 'lying by omission'. It's still deception.

IGA,

I think you are right about porn being harder(No pun intended) and the medium that we are talking on at the minute is responsible for that. However its the same with anything, No means no.

we have times where we 'make love' and there are times when we 'have sex' there is a distinct difference between the two.

I don't think watching the odd bit of porn means that when you have sex with your real partner that your not thinking about your partner!!
Im suprised you give so much credit to a quick bit of wanking material, cos thats really all it is to most people.
I certainly wouldn't be ending a relationship over it.

Pssht. I'm jaded ... I had one too many boyfriends who've said they only look at the odd jazz mag & video, to later find secret hoards of the stuff and seret girlfriends. I'm not that big on sexual objectification or secrets these days!

Being a jaded old bag, though, I do think young women underestimate the extent of the problem (ie, that it is a problem).

I enjoy watching porn with my dh and we also act out fantasies.

I am firmly of the opinion that what goes on behind the bedroom door is no one else's business provided both parties are in agreement and are happy.

So if you like to be tied up and whipped, then that's fine so long as your partner is happy to go along with that.

It's not for anyone else to disappove of your sex life.

I don't even mind my dh watching porn by himself, provided it is not to the detriment of our sex life. Sometimes when he is away I get out Mr Buzzy and launch into a fantasy of my own.

But if I thought he was preferring porn to me, then we would have a problem.

Where that line is drawn in your individual relationship is up to you.

Relate says: change it, lump it, or leave it, when it comes to relationship issues.

If there is a behaviour in your partner that you dislike, you can either try to change it, put up with it, or leave him over it. Porn is no different. If your friend seriously dislikes him watching porn, she has those three options. Whether she is right to dislike him watching porn is actually irrelevant. She still has those three options. Only she can decide which one she will choose.

Myself and dh neither use porn or masturbate.

It is not that we would not enjoy it, it is just that we have decided it is better for our relationship if we rely entirely on each other for our sexual fulfillment.

It makes our relationship a little less self centered because if one of us is not feeling well or something then the other puts their sexual wants to the side until both of us are ready.

I have found our sex life has improved immensely and is much more adventurous and intense now that it is just about the two of us and not some far fetched fantasy.

I think porn detract rather than adds to the overall relationship. Also it can and does become addictive for many people. It only focuses on the physical side of sex and is just about instant gratification.

I do not need to watch other people having sex to learn or get turned on. I would much rather focus all my attention on my dhs individual needs and desires.

Sex is a very important and enjoyable part of my marriage. Porn is not in any way fundamental to it.

Bethan Like Tortures, my dislike of porn is political, not personal. It would be perhaps comforting for you to think that since you don't partake and have no real clue what your H accesses, he is viewing joyful sex created by two consenting adults. However, with the advent of private browsing facilities, I suspect a lot of women would be horrified if they really knew what violent, misogynist porn their partners really accessed.

As your new to this site, I think you might find it worth searching for the numerous threads on here about porn and the true nature of it. I have I'm afraid, also seen a post you made on another thread yesterday about your H's truly awful behaviour. The scales might fall from your eyes when you read that many people see a link between the porn culture and its users' behaviour.

I would be surprised if your friend had ended a relationship solely for the reasons you suggest, unless she had made it clear that this was a boundary she didn't want crossed and her DP had agreed not to use porn. Perhaps she was seeing other behaviour in her DP that she linked to the porn use and just couldn't bargain it away any longer? For his part, no-one can stop him from using porn, but your friend can vote with her feet, if it is unacceptable to her.

I agree with Tortures that no-one needs porn and the notion that it is "a fundamental part of almost any relationship" is absurd. My H is a feminist and shares the same views as me about porn. Over our 26 year marriage, we have both shifted our views about porn because of how it has changed, both in content and accessibility. As a father, he has spoken to our teenage son about the issues surrounding porn and it is something we have discussed as a whole family, especially after a porn-fuelled sex attack that occurred at our son's school.

I believe that everyone has the right to their views about this, as long as the decision they reach is informed. My problem is with people who form a view on this when they haven't looked into the politics, have been conditioned to be "cool" about it, or have bought the idiotic stereotype that anyone who objects to porn dislikes sex and must therefore have insecurities within their relationship.

So have a read and then see where you stand. Perhaps join the many threads that are started about this issue and the plethora of threads about relationships that have been blighted by porn use. This site is great for debating the issues, but its posters have low tolerance for racism or stupidity, as you have seen on this thread.

Porn isn't a fundamental part of every relationship, any more than having children is, or supporting the same football team, or even monogamy. Some people have ethical objections to it (which may be informed or which may be stupid and symptomatic of sexual dysfunction). Some people are more excited than others by looking at depictions of sexual activity, that's all. Fantasy of some kind is a part of most people's sex lives - I don't get why fantasizing about a particular porn performer is any more reprehensible than fantasizing about the bloke from Twilight/Gene Hunt or whoever. The fantasy figure is not your partner, is not a 'real' person (your perception of an actor, particularly if what you are excited by is the fictional character the actor portays, is objectifying: you're not interested in the whole person etc. However, there isn't anything wrong with that.)

Bethan I think your friend has gone way over the top, ending a 4 year relationship just because of some porn on the internet history! I can't help thinking she couldn't have been particularly happy with her DP anyway - even if she did feel that strongly, why couldn't she just talk to him about it and tell him she found it unacceptable?

Personally I have no interest in porn, because it does nothing for me to watch two (or however many!) people rutting away. However I do understand that a lot of men (and some women) do enjoy it; men get turned on visually, etc, and can 'compartmentalise' porn as a completely separate thing from their own loving relationship without it impacting on that relationship, yada yada.... My DH likes to watch it now and again and it really doesn't bother me. He knows I'm not interested so doesn't thrust it in my face , any more than I try to get him interested in ebay.

As long as it's between consenting adults, I don't see the harm. I can't help thinking that if a man enjoys porn and his DP tries to 'ban' it, he'll still have a sneaky look anyway. I can't help thinking it has more to do with the woman's insecurities than her real moral values a lot of the time anyway....

PS I can't help thinking I repeated myself there....

Why do you think men are stimulated by visual images MooMooFarm?

Why do you think "men can compartmentalise"?

Do you think that men lack imagination and that the ability to transfer thoughts from one media into another?

Do you think all porn is enacted by consenting adults?

Why do you think a lot of women object because of insecurity, rather than political (as opposed to moral) reasons, MooMooFarm?

the ability, not "that the ability" sorry for typo.

"As long as it's between consenting adults, I don't see the harm. I can't help thinking that if a man enjoys porn and his DP tries to 'ban' it, he'll still have a sneaky look anyway. I can't help thinking it has more to do with the woman's insecurities than her real moral values a lot of the time anyway...."

Um actually no, Moo Moo Farm,some of us just dont like the idea of our husbands watching porn becuase of the mysoginistic and depersonalising nature of it.

Whenwill I am not an expert on the subject and would never profess to be! I was just expressing my humble opinion, based on my personal experience; articles and programmes on the subject I have read/seen, and nothing more.

You clearly have very strong opinions on this subject which I completely respect .

My opinions on your first three points are based in part on many studies on the subject which I have taken enough of an interest in to read articles about or watch on tv. I won't list them here; they are easy to google and I'm sure you're already aware of them - and also probably many more which conflict...

On your fourth point, no I do not believe that all porn is enacted by consenting adults - my point was that I don't have a problem with the porn which is. Porn which is exploitative is another subject which I wouldn't have a clue how to begin to deal with.

And on your last point, IMHO, some women take their partner looking at porn as an insult to them, ie thinking that they are therefore not attractive enough, etc, to 'keep their partner happy'. I have had discussions with friends on the subject and amongst them, the main complaint seemed to be that the women portrayed were much slimmer and had much bigger breasts than they did, which made them feel inadequate.

That's all!