Biological daughter making contact (long)

[MrsJS2008]

I?ll be honest and say that I?m not actually sure what I am looking for in posting this ? some perspective or insights perhaps...

So ?my DH is the biological father to S who is around 14-15 years old. My DH, S and her mother (C) are not British. S&C live in their home country.

C told my DH that she had a condition which meant that she would struggle to conceive. As she had no partner at that time she asked my DH (a former lodger) to act as a sperm donor and he (in one of his less well thought out moments) agreed. They did not enter into any formal agreement just did the deed. My DH subsequently had second thoughts and decided not to continue but despite supposedly having a condition which would make it difficult to conceive, C became pregnant after the first occasion.

The agreement was that this arrangement would be an absolute secret, DH would not be part of S?s life in any way and is not named on the birth certificate (it is stated ?father unknown?). This is in fact a criminal offence (I believe on the part of the mother) in DH?s home country.

For two years, the arrangement proceeded as agreed. DH moved away (as had always been his intention) and did not see C or S or remain in contact. He started a new relationship with J who subsequently asked him outright if he had ever fathered a child. DH told J that yes he had and explained the situation. For what reason, I cannot begin to comprehend, J then insisted that DH tell his parents about S?s existence.
My PIL?s then made my DH make contact with C and S and despite living several hundred miles apart have developed a relationship with both of them particularly their grandchild. DH (as agreed) continued not to see either of them, other than once during the meeting to introduce his parents.

Fast forward 10 years, DH and I meet and marry and he lets me know what the situation is. Two years further down the line DH and I have a new DS who we adore. The subject of S did come up shortly after DS was born in a ?what shall we tell DS so that this does not ever freak him out/cause him any confusion if and when he finds out?? kind of way. I?m sorry to say that I then kind of parked it as a ?too difficult? and not something I need to think about now kind of way.

Fast forward to Friday last week and S has sent my DH a facebook friend request. I?m not sure why but I?m freaking out a bit.
I?m not really sure how to proceed or how DH should proceed. I tend to think that facebook is not an appropriate communication tool in the circumstances and think perhaps DH should speak to his parents about the request with a view to them helping to ascertain what S wants and what has prompted this (ie was it just a strange with her friends on a Friday night dare, does she want to know my DH, has the existence of a biologicial half brother prompted this?

We are due to go to visit my PIL?s for Xmas and I was so looking forward to it but I now feel quite nervous that something I am not yet ready for is going to be forced on me. My main concern (I hope ? I am not 100% sure that my motives are quite this pure) is that nothing affects our DS adversely but I see no reason (thinking rationally) why it should. I am possibly/probably unreasonably angry at my PIL?s as I really do believe that their insistence on being part of S?s life was selfish and confusing for her (with regard to her ?father?s place in her life) and on the whole I would rather the whole issue had just gone away and stayed away with everyone being happy with the arrangement (ridiculously unrealistic, I know).

I guess what I am looking for is any help at ordering my thoughts and feelings and any ideas on how to proceed since it no longer seems possible to leave it parked while we enjoy our DS?s early months.

Primariy, this is between your dh and S. If this were his child by a previous relationship in the usual sense, you would presumably not consider trying to control it in the way you imply.

I'll put my own cards on the table right away. I am adopted and have counselled adoptees for many years. I was also party to the consultation that changed the law in this country so that the children of donor sperm or eggs have the right to know who their biological parent is.

I really think this is something you need to let your dh and S work though (and I do hope your in-laws can allow that to). S is a teenager - a prime time for thinking about your identity. I agree Facebook is not ideal but she's only 14 and I've heard of many such approaches being made though this format. The new sibling may or may not have had an influence - it really doesn't make any difference one way or another.

I'm not sure what it is you are really afraid of here - is it something do with inheritance for your ds?

Children of donors react have varied reactions - but it can be quite a confusing experience and some are very curious about their ancestry - like a lot of people.

I think that S has to be the priority here and her wants/needs must come first.Presumably S was conceived as a result of a sexual relationship and not a turkey baster/test tube situation.You cannot blame your i-ls for wanting a relationship with their grand daughter-that is very much to their credit.Your ds has a half sister,a not uncommon situation these days and he is fortunate in also having loving parents and grandparents.Neither he nor you is threatened in any way by this girl's[your dh's dd]existence.I think if you really are a loving wife and mother you will feel secure enough to help the child to know her father [and eventually her brother].There is only a problem if you create it.

Thinking about a couple of your comments but quickly in case anyone else wonders the same thing - with regard to inheritence - ha ha. DH has no money! Not a single penny in assets and his death in service (please God that it never becomes payable) is very carefully worded (all his doing) to apply to children of marriage only. Even if it were not, inheritence is not an issue and S's mother is I understand comfortable, owning her own property etc so I have no concerns that this is on her mind either.

DS is my priority not S.

I am struggling a bit to identify why you're so bothered by this. What's the worst thing that could happen? That S gets hurt, that your DH gets hurt?

And I don't really understand why you feel angry with your PILs - knowing that they had a granddaughter out their in the world, it would have taken more self control than most people have to do nothing at all. Their actions were probably misguided, but understandable. If your DS tells you, in 20 years time, that he has a child you knew nothing about, how would you react?

This girl exists, she's real, she's your DH's child, she's not going to disappear. And it's your DH's call, not yours, as to whether he makes contact - all you can do is support him. I don't see how this can possibly affect your DS unfairly.

OK ? I snapped back the DS is my priority response - sorry. I think this is part of the problem. If someone tells me that S has to be the priority (black and white, full stop, no context) my hackles rise and I say ? no DS is the priority. I appreciate that it does not have to be a choice but a ?S is the priority response? brings out my protective instinct regarding DS. Still thinking about how to respond to other comments

out there

just going through this myself, dp and his daughter 'found' each other two weeks ago and are talking on fb (she also lives abroad) she is 18, they have never known each other but he told me about her as soon as we got together...

i totally fail to understand why this bothers you or you feel threatened by it

when dp first read the message from his dd, he showed it to me and we both cried from the emotion (not because we were upset) we were overjoyed at having found her, he is now in regular (fb messages/emails) contact with her and she is coming to stay and to meet us and dd after xmas

we couldn't be happier
try thinking about the good.. dd was thrilled when we told her she has an older sister and she can't wait to meet her, its only a problem if you want it to be

Why oh why do women start relationships with parents and then get enraged as op is! Counselling to work out why u r jealous of a fatherless child ur dh chose to bring into the world!

hear hear mummiehunnie

agree with mummiehunnie.

I have personal experience of a situation similar to this and feel that you should be fully supporting your dh in making and maintaining contact with his dd if this is what he wants. And welcoming her if that is also what's needed.

Don't understand why your ds should be affected, he would take his cue from the adults in the situation. Think this is more about your own issues.

Pranma - They did have sex (once) if that is what you mean by a ?sexual relationship?- they did not use a turkey baster. I?m not sure whether that makes any difference. It was still a pretty badly thought out situation regardless of whether they had sex outside of a relationship purely for baby making purposes or basted.

The difference MrsRhett is that this is not what DH wanted. He fully expected it (completely naively) to remain an anonymous thing with no contact. This is why in his country there are quite strict rules about sperm donation - if you go through the legal channels you do still get to stay anonymous and put "father unknown" on the birth certificate etc but the process for doing this with a selected donor (as opposed to a sperm bank type scenario) is long winded hence DH and C circumvented them.

I don't mean to make DH sound unfeeling. Given that this is not how it has worked out he is concerned about S and willing to have contact if this is what she wants but he does not feel "fatherly" towards her (this of course might change) and his understanding was always that S accepted the situation (I was always unsure of how much reliance you could place on the acceptance of a pre-teen).

With regard to being concered about someone getting hurt - the risk clearly therefore is more that S will be hurt. Facebook concerns me because DH and I do not have lots of friends on there (we're not one of those with 3000 "friends" so it is quite a snapshot into our lives and while undeniably wanting to keep our privacy (I'm probably naive about FB thinking of it and privancy together), as much as anything I would not like to think of her looking into our life over such a medium and feeling excluded.

Mummie - I did not start a relationship with a parent. I started a relationship with a single guy who did not tell me that he had a "daughter" because he does not think of her that way. Shortly before we decided to get married (ie once things were quite serious) he told me that he had a biological child and explained the situation. I was confused then and am confused now but her being part of our lives was never the scenario as I understood it and actually while not giving it enough time I have always had it in the back of my mind as something that I might have to deal with in time if HER views changed (expecting that his would not). When DS was born, I asked him if having a child now that he loved had made im wonder about S and he said no - the situation to him is very different.

Maryz - so do you think that no woman should have a relationship with a man who has ever donated sperm and is not depserate to find all his biological children? DH knows that S is well and healthy and has a good mother (who has herself had to come to terms - very gracefully - with DH's parents barging into her life and chainging the scenario that she had wanted).

if s wants a relationship with her father, then as a HUMAN fucking being he should at least try, and you should support him in doing so.

whatever came or went, however it happened - makes absolutley not one JOT of difference. the girl exists. If she wants to know more about her dad, this is something to be supported.

you are totally out of order op

I think the root of your problem might be that you're scared your DH might start to love S as much as he loves your DS. Or are you scared it might be more? If the latter, I can reassure you it just doesn't work that way - your capacity to love your DCs just increases. Yes, he might contact, meet and then love S, but his feelings for your DS will remain constant. I promise you that.

I do see that this isn't what you signed up for, and it must be a hard adjustment - but you just have to support your DH whatever he decides to do (and I really hope that that's to make contact with S). It will be fine.

Sincity - my concern is about having to deal with DS wondering why his daddy does not want to be a daddy to another child of his (biologically speaking) and wondering whether my DH would ever feel the same way about him. I appreciate that this would/should only be an issue while DS is young and I may be completely over-thinking that likelihood or the difficulty of explaining it to him and reassuring him.

One of my RL friends was prviously divorced and it really unsettled her children to find this out (that their mummy had once loved someone before daddy IYSWIM) and this stuck with me. Like I say - perhaps I'm over-thinking it.

'Why oh why do women start relationships with parents and then get enraged as op is! Counselling to work out why u r jealous of a fatherless child ur dh chose to bring into the world!'

I think that's really unhelpful, actually.
The op's dh may have fathered a child, but I wouldn't describe him as a parent.
I also think its unfair of his parents to initiate contact against his wishes, when he and the child's mother had a clear arrangement.

I understand your feelings of unease, op, but the situation seems to be out of your hands at this stage. You can only support your dh in whatever he chooses to do.
Your ds will only be adversely effected if he senses your unease, so try to view S as a positive addition to his life.

Life is complicated and cannot shield your son from it's complications forever. drip feed him the information as appropriate.

Hassled - despite any conclusions that this thread my lead anyone to draw about me or my DH, he at least is actually a very good man who really should have thought things through better when he was a young(er) (but not young enough to excuse everything) man.

If S needs some contact with him, he will do his very best for her (from half way across the world) so long as he is not concerned about me and DS. Clearly (from the responses) I need to make sure that he does not have reason to be - but I have to make sure that is genuine not just me hiding my feelings from him. This is what I need to work on.

Fair enough Maryz. He had a child with a woman he knew, knowing that he was emigrating by the way as did C. It was not at all well thought out. I think perhaps this is why I am annoyed with my PIL - displaced annoyance at my DH. Or maybe I am tired and overthinking things still! I have seen your posts previously on the adoption thread and can fully appreciate where you are coming from but I will never agree with you on this point.

I could not care less what you say Custardo but did you actually read my post at 22.50 where I said that if S wants contact he will do so!

I'm sorry, I'm not posting this to upset you, but I think you need to shake yourself and think about this from a different perspective.

This little girl has a living Daddy, she knows who he is, and would like to get to know him.

He has a wife and a child, and because the wife can't get her head around contact (because she can't cope with someone other that her biological child competing with their son for Daddy's affections) this little girl might never get to know her Daddy.

Shame on you, and shame on your DH too.