Biological daughter making contact (long)

[MrsJS2008]

I?ll be honest and say that I?m not actually sure what I am looking for in posting this ? some perspective or insights perhaps...

So ?my DH is the biological father to S who is around 14-15 years old. My DH, S and her mother (C) are not British. S&C live in their home country.

C told my DH that she had a condition which meant that she would struggle to conceive. As she had no partner at that time she asked my DH (a former lodger) to act as a sperm donor and he (in one of his less well thought out moments) agreed. They did not enter into any formal agreement just did the deed. My DH subsequently had second thoughts and decided not to continue but despite supposedly having a condition which would make it difficult to conceive, C became pregnant after the first occasion.

The agreement was that this arrangement would be an absolute secret, DH would not be part of S?s life in any way and is not named on the birth certificate (it is stated ?father unknown?). This is in fact a criminal offence (I believe on the part of the mother) in DH?s home country.

For two years, the arrangement proceeded as agreed. DH moved away (as had always been his intention) and did not see C or S or remain in contact. He started a new relationship with J who subsequently asked him outright if he had ever fathered a child. DH told J that yes he had and explained the situation. For what reason, I cannot begin to comprehend, J then insisted that DH tell his parents about S?s existence.
My PIL?s then made my DH make contact with C and S and despite living several hundred miles apart have developed a relationship with both of them particularly their grandchild. DH (as agreed) continued not to see either of them, other than once during the meeting to introduce his parents.

Fast forward 10 years, DH and I meet and marry and he lets me know what the situation is. Two years further down the line DH and I have a new DS who we adore. The subject of S did come up shortly after DS was born in a ?what shall we tell DS so that this does not ever freak him out/cause him any confusion if and when he finds out?? kind of way. I?m sorry to say that I then kind of parked it as a ?too difficult? and not something I need to think about now kind of way.

Fast forward to Friday last week and S has sent my DH a facebook friend request. I?m not sure why but I?m freaking out a bit.
I?m not really sure how to proceed or how DH should proceed. I tend to think that facebook is not an appropriate communication tool in the circumstances and think perhaps DH should speak to his parents about the request with a view to them helping to ascertain what S wants and what has prompted this (ie was it just a strange with her friends on a Friday night dare, does she want to know my DH, has the existence of a biologicial half brother prompted this?

We are due to go to visit my PIL?s for Xmas and I was so looking forward to it but I now feel quite nervous that something I am not yet ready for is going to be forced on me. My main concern (I hope ? I am not 100% sure that my motives are quite this pure) is that nothing affects our DS adversely but I see no reason (thinking rationally) why it should. I am possibly/probably unreasonably angry at my PIL?s as I really do believe that their insistence on being part of S?s life was selfish and confusing for her (with regard to her ?father?s place in her life) and on the whole I would rather the whole issue had just gone away and stayed away with everyone being happy with the arrangement (ridiculously unrealistic, I know).

I guess what I am looking for is any help at ordering my thoughts and feelings and any ideas on how to proceed since it no longer seems possible to leave it parked while we enjoy our DS?s early months.

Good idea, love those new baby snuggles! Nothing like those late night cuddles when feeding . dd (3) currently co-sleeping as she's got really high temp and seems to be the only way she'll sleep. Do alot of late night thinking when cuddling them. Sleep well, try not to let it take over.

i guess its difficult for you because your dh doesnt seem to know what to do either whereas dp and i always knew that this day would come so we were expecting it

i'm not very good at putting my point across either so i'm sorry if i came across a bit harsh, i'm not very good at putting things properly but if you think i could give you any advice i am happy to do so :)

i do have experience of feeling funny about a child because dp also has a son who was not conceived until after we got together

i think i have come to realise that all children are blessings even if we don't initially want them around

good luck to your family

not sure why 'around' is slanty

If your DH isn't going to respond to the friend request on Facebook then can I suggest that he contacts her in some other way as quickly as possible. I find it heartbreaking to think of a teenager waiting and watching for her friend request to be accepted by her father.

Hi OP

Ah, so you've just had your first child (congratulations), which means that your relationship with with DH has probably changed and you are both adjusting to the new role of being a parent, which is probably why any more potential change in family dynamics feels so very unsettling. And the uncertainty of not knowing exactly what DH's daughter wants in terms of a relationship with him is probably not helping.

The situation is made a bit more complex by the fact that despite that your DH not wanting any contact his parents went ahead and built a relationship with his daughter without him (and yes, I understand it's natural to want to know your grandchild). So he may feel that he can't say no to contact for fear of causing family ructions. You will have to weigh it all up. Does the good of his DD knowing her father outweigh the fact that she may later realize he felt coerced into a relationship with her? On balance I would say that the kinder thing to do is to have contact (because she will see it as parental rejection), but the decision will have to be up to him.

You sound committed to a positive outcome to all this for everyone concerned. I think the best way to achieve that is to think about what that long-term outcome might look like and how over time you can all work together to make it happen. Part of that will involve not minimizing your own feelings (because a good outcome should, if possible, take into consideration the fact that you and DH do have a life together) and working it through slowly. This isn't to say that the situation is all about you, but I think it would be better for your DH's daughter too (as well as your son) if you can get to a point where you don't feel disturbed by this and can have a good relationship with her too (if your DH does choose contact).

Just go slowly and explain to her if possible that you're interested in making this work in the long-term, but in order to do that everyone needs to go slowly. Just be prepared for the possibility her feelings may change as she gets older, and don't let the PILs dictate the pace, although I think they should be involved.

My mum's situation really was identical to yours - she knew about my sister from the beginning but would have thought the chances of her reestablishing contact were very low. So I'm sure it was a shock to her when my sister did get back in touch, and she probably did worry about how all the family relationship dynamics might change. I still don't think she's wild about the situation, but she has been very generous to my sister and my sister's daughter, and my sister thinks she's absolutely wonderful, which has really helped me. Things will never be perfect, but we are healing a bit.

You can contact people on fb without "friending" them, maybe your dh should send her a message.

You can have categories of friends on FB so that some can see more than others - and the friends have no way of knowing which group they are on. Perhaps, until you are both more comfortable with how you are feeling and how S might react, you could create a new category of friend on your FB and accept S into that.

I agree with others that S should be your priority...this is not about DS, or at least only in the sense that he may one day judge you for how you behaved to a fatherless teenage girl reaching out to you.

Yes, your DS is the most important person in the world to you, especially when tiny, but that does not mean that you can ignore the feelings of everyone else in the world and your responsibilities to them - what kind of society would you be bringing DS into if that were the case? A 14 year old girl must seem very big and independent to you compared with a tiny baby but she is not really - she is a teenager struggling with her identity, seeking to make contact with her biological father.

Remember that DS's needs and S's needs are completely compatible - they both need you to behave like a decent caring adult. Which it sounds like you intend to do once you have got over the shock! Good luck.

I wonder why no one thought of all this when they decided it was a good idea to have a child in those circumstances.

He must have known that in time, she would become curious.

I cannot believe a life was created so coldly & is still being given the cold shoulder.

I am sorry OP, but if S wants to meet her father (because he IS that, and she IS his daughter, no matter how much either of you disagree) I think he has an obligation to do it.

After all, he created life & last I heard, life wasn't disposable.

I'm sorry I have no advice on the dynamics of the relationships etc but I do have FBook advice... If S has a relationship with the ILs then is it possible that they have shown/will show her your family's page, updates etc anyway - especially if they are supportive of her reaching out to her dad.

If, however you accept the friend request, then you can put controls on what she can and can't see (you can do this for all of your friends, and for individuals.) She will not be able to see that you have done this unless she compares notes with what the ILs can see, and if she has access herself then there will be no reason for her to do this... (does that make sense?!.

I understand what other users have said about FB not being appropriate, however, this the method of communication that S has chosen so clearly it's what she is comfortable. I hope it all goes well in the end, you sound like you want it to. All the best xxx

I think Victoria has a point. Donating is not the same as committing to parenthood - from the POV of the donor. In my experience though, you get many different reactions from the child.

This was not a conventional donor process - but really, the process is not so relevant from the child's POV - adults have a habit of expecting the child to adjust their expectiations and feelings in line with the intentions of the biological parents at the time of conception. In some cases, this happens but often is doesn't - the fact of her ancestry is the same no matter hwo it came about - from her POV.

It is not all that uncommon to have the anxiety and feelings you are showing here - if that is any comfort. Of course, for you, your DS is the priority - but that doesn't mean that S has to be shut out.

However, I would also not expect your dh to necessarily become a full-on father to S. You cannot force that kind of relationship - but I would hope that he could give some reasonably honest input into her life.

S is an innocent party in all this. It's not the idea of a family that you had before - but this is the reality. I think some irl councelling wouldnot be a bad idea if you could do that.

No point in denying your anxieties as long as you can work through them. My real concern here is that S is not rejected or made to feel rejected. In that sense, she is a priority.

Personally, I am not in favour of using donors for all these reasons. Sometimes - possibly most of the time, I'm not sure - it works out OK. But it can be very hard for the child to understand that they were conceived by someone who had no interest in being thier parent.

Thinking about your concerns for you ds's future feelings about this. Probably the better the relationship between you, dh and S, the less peculiar it will seem to your ds.

I

MrsJS2008, I think the best way to reassure your ds is to let him grow up seeing you and your dh as competent strong adults who would always put the needs of the child first. SO the better you handle the situation with this girl, the better it will be for him.

If on the other hand, you try to keep this girl out of your lives, sooner or later he will find out about it and that will demolish his trust in you, and even more so in his father (could he do this to me?). If you son finds out as a teenager (which will be hard for you to police), he won't understand about the feelings of a sperm donor: he will see another child his age who was rejected. And that will influence how he sees his relationship to his dad.

He is still little enough for the situation to be salvaged from his pov: he can just grow up used to the idea that he has a halfsister but that she lives with her mummy and her other daddy (by the time he is old enough to think much about it, the girl will be living on her own anyway, because that's what grownups do). If everybody seems happy and positive about it, he will learn to see it as a happy and positive thing. It is the safest way of keeping him safe from feelings of rejection.

LotofDamnation ? I hope your DD is better soon. It?s awful seeing them ill. DS had a cold and sore throat a week or two ago and we also co-slept then and it is lovely how just having his mummy close can make things better for him. On the down side, I followed all the co sleeping guidelines for a little one so no quilt, no pillows etc which made for some cold nights (DS was fine and snugly in his sleeping bag) and I still have a stiff neck!

MrsRhett ? thank you. I may take you up on that offer. If S does want to be in touch, it will be a very long distance relationship with DH and it sounds like you and your DH are managing that well. Well done for being so accepting of your DSS. I can totally see that no matter what ? it is not the boy?s fault.

Celtic ? I thought of that too but with time differences and working hours of DH and PIL?s etc not to mention S?s school it is already too late for today. Also ? my/DH?s thoughts are conflicting as is the advice on here ? make contact quickly vs take a day or two to assess how best to do it/clarify feelings? These are the issues which were confusing me and why I posted and I am not much less confused now (other than that I tend to go along with the views of Tonic/Damnation/MaryZ who have offered up some of their own relevant experiences which is helpful). On the plus side (if you can call it that), DH is not some teenager constantly posting status updates on FB so it is not like it looks as if he is going in there and ignoring the friend request. It will just look as if he has not seen it yet ? (still stressful for her I understand but hopefully not causing any feelings of rejection by itself). Shubie, DH cannot send S a message on FB ? I guess her privacy settings must be set to friends only for messages and her mother does not appear to be on there so that is not an option either. Once this is resolved a bit DH can look into friend categories on FB.

I understand the comment about FB being the method she has chosen. I suspect that FB was a mechanism to do it in secret ie without telling her mum or GP?s and my & DH?s gut instinct is that this should not be the way to proceed ? she should have some RL support to deal with her feelings/questions and how to take this forward. DH is of course concerned that it looks as if he has gone behind her back in discussing this with PIL/C and kicks things off on the wrong foot. I think C has handled things very well so far and we should trust her to continue to do so ? she after all knows S best.

The friend request came through at midnight her time and I would be surprised if this followed on from a chat with her mum as to the best course of action. I would be utterly astonished (I can?t tell you how much) if MIL had any idea of S wanting to reach out to her dad and did not say something. When MIL and I last spoke of S (not a frequent occurrence) MIL mentioned that S understands the situation and accepts it. If her understanding of S?s feelings had changed I am certain that she would have said something. It is possible that PIL?s have showed her their FB or indeed just left it open on their computer which she uses when she visits.

Different name ? both DH and C should have thought more about what the child would think/become curious about. It is not just DH who is at fault in that. I think they (DH and C) discussed their own feelings fairly well but did not take it the extra step that they should have done. I think they both overestimated C?s ability to explain the situation to a theoretical child and ensure that the child accepted the situation. Again ? why it is better to do these things through proper channels where presumably some advice/counselling is given.

Thank you Acinonyx ? everything you say makes sense.

To be clear again at those who still seem to think I am trying to shut S out ? it is not and never was my intention to do this. I posted here asking for advice on how the contact could best be taken forward (feeling very uncomfortable about FB) and to express some of my confused emotions ? partly so that I did not just vent a whole heap of confused negativity at DH but could get some perspective and insight into why I was feeling unsettled and deal with that while still being honest with him. Those of you (most of you actually once I had explained myself a bit better) who got that and helped, I really am grateful to.

Tonic ? it is very good to hear that things are healing and I hope they continue to get better with all your family. I have never intended to keep S a secret from DS ? I just expected more time to think about how she did not inadvertently become one IYSWIM. And I had not expected contact to be initiated by her (given my perceptions, however ridiculous, of her ?acceptance? of the situation). Really with DS being so young, I still have plenty of time on that score, I guess so should not worry so much! The letter/photos suggestion is very helpful. Ironically, I am on only child and this is not something I want for my DS. When DH and I visit the PIL?s at Xmas, one of the items of the itinerary is to discuss what would happen to DS if anything ever happens to DH and I with a view to considering what to put in our wills. Realistically I know that this is unlikely ever to be an issue. I idealistically imagine that if I had a DSis/DB this would be much easier. As it is I don?t, my parents and PIL?s are both relatively elderly parents (although they would be there if needed) and my friends for various reasons are not obvious carer choices for my DS. That leaves us with DBIL as one of the more obvious choices but I have never met him and the thought of entrusting the care of my DS to a stranger is really upsetting me. I am dreading the conversation ? I?ll look like a right wally if I cry about something so unlikely to happen! Anyway I?m rambling but an extended loving family is actually what I want for my DS and I imagine this could be good for S too.

Anyway DS is awake from his nap and all smiles so I am going to enjoy them. Thanks again.

Apologies for not reading every post but I have a head like cotton wool and not memory for remembering everything I currently read.

I come at this from a slightly different angle. My parents had me with my father under the impression that my mother was on the pill. He has told me he never wanted me and we had nothing to do with each other for the first 30 odd years of my life. However I had have a relationship with his mother and that was very important to me. My father knew we spoke, pretty sure he didn't like it but he had no choice. My grandmother couldn't understand his attitude and also blamed his wife for it.

When she was dying we did speak but then had a spectacular falling out which is when he told me he never wanted me. I will never speak to him again and have no problems with that.

I can totally understand your need to protect your son but secrets have a habit of coming out and treating it like a dirty secret is going to make things worse.

Your anger towards your PIL is misplaced and unfair. Why shouldn't they have contact with their grandchild? It really is nothing to do with you. I suppose your are this child's step mother but really she is none of your business at the moment.

The carefully worded will where his first born daughter gets no financial support from her father is mean and cruel imo.

"If S needs some contact with him, he will do his very best for her (from half way across the world) so long as he is not concerned about me and DS"

Lovely just lovely, TBH you and your H sound like a right pair of selfish, self absorbed plonkers, and poor poor S will probably be better off without the pair of you in her life

Dear MrsJS2008,

I know this may come as a bit of a shock to you but the contact with S doesn't have to turn into a negative experience for you all. Of course all situations are different but this is what I have experienced recently.

My parents got divorced when I was 8 or so. I stayed with my father for 1/2 before I joined my Mum and sister. At first there was still some contact, which stopped after about 2 years. My Mum had found a different partner and felt that we should try to become a family. Rightly or wrongly, this is what happened.

I was heartbroken that my father didn't stay in contact as I loved him very very much. I always knew where he lived but it was seen as inappropriate to contact him. I was told that when my sister came along he was disappointed that it was another girl. Fast forward 5 years, he got married again too and took on his new wife's baby, a son.

Resentment build over the years on my part, lots of anger too and then as an adult, from about 25 years onwards, I just didn't care anymore. I had drawn a line under it all. My father tried to contact me every now and then and wanted to re-build the relationship but I wasn't really bothered. I had also at that point left the country where I grew up and was done with it.

Moved back to my home country two years ago and this summer, had a massive argument with my Mum. Things had build up over a few years which needed to be told, so I did. Whilst I was at it, I thought I might as well go further and resolve any outstanding issues that I do have.

My father still wrote birthday and x-mas emails, always wanting to meet me and my sister and this autumn we took the plunge. His wife was instrumental in all of this. I don't think I would have bothered if it wasn't for her. We talked a lot on the phone at first, which took the nerves away and we got on really well. In fact, I spoke more to her than I did to my father.

So we met a month ago and it went quite well. Was nervous as hell but it was ok. I have to say, his new wife was the nicest person ever and I really admire her for her strenght. We looked over some photos and there were even some from my parents' wedding and she took it all in her stride!

Went for a walk one day and I asked her why she was so cool with it all and didn't she feel threatened by me and my sister. She said no, because even though in all those years the three of them had a really nice time and a good family life, she knew that my father was missing us. So I don't know if she is being so nice for my father's sake or if she really feels that we are all family.

I really appreciate that she never got involved in the politics in it all, she said she didn't know what happened when my parents were married and it has nothing to do with her. We are all grown ups now and will just have to deal with the past. I asked her why they only the one child and it is because my father never wanted more, as he had two already. That must have been really hard for her and could have given her lots of reason to resent us but she didn't.

Then I met my step-brother. The one I also resented for all those years, the one I was jealous of because he got to have my father to himself. And do you know what? I am glad he grew up with my father because my little step-brother is the coolest guy. My sister and I hit it off with him immediately and I don't begrudge him at all. He really is a cool guy.

So where does this leave all of us? Its been nearly two months since we met them and I haven't really changed my mind. It was good too see what the place looked like where I grew up, it was good to meet them all but I'm still not very bothered about my father.
It's good that it's all in the open now but I would not and nor would my sister ever ask him for anything.

Since then, I have talked to my father only once and to his wife every week.

What I am trying to say with my very long post, don't be afraid to embrace S as part of your family. Regardsless of how she was conceived, she needs to know where she comes from, what her background is. If you and your husband are a strong unit, you should have nothing to worry. I know there may be some jealousy or confusion but I think it would benefit all immensly if you can work through it. Its in your power to make this a positive experience and I think you should go for it.

I guess it all worked out ok for us, I have finally put my demons to rest and they got to meet us and their grandchildren (well, not that the kids know who they are, we are not there yet) and his wife is the biggest winner in all of this. She showed amazing grace by including us into her family and in the end she has not lost anything as we will never make any demands on any of them and we won't take her son's Dad away either.

Long, sorry, but I hope it helps.

Macdoodle, I think your comment is a bit harsh. It must have come as a big shock to Mrs... and it will take some time to get used to it.

It especially difficult as they just had a baby together, which changes family dynamics again.

Just take things slow and as they come. I agree though with other posters that secrets do have a habit of coming out, apart from this, it will always be on your mind anyway.

I do hope you all have the courage to sort this out.

I have to mention OP that I think the line C used 'oh goodness me I have a condition that makes it difficult to concieve' - in what way would 'donating sperm' - well, having sex to be more accurate - help? Surely if that were the case she would require tests to ascertain the nature of the problem and most likely drugs / surgery to help the symptoms. Your dh was very stupid and let himself be talked into a shag on this weak flimsy 'donor' bullshit.

I had to use donor sperm to concieve my daughter, because my dh has fertility issues - not me. Sorry but it makes no sense.

I understand that your DS is your priority, try to see his older half sister, rather than as a threat, but as a victim of two people who didn't think anything through / indulged in some bizarre selfish fantasy. I'm sure your dh has grown up somewhat and may be able to not be a nob make amends. He is, like it or not, convenient or not, her father, but that inconvenience isn't her fault. He's the adult, he has to live with the consequences (and unfortunately you and ds too)

Best of luck to you, it's a very difficult situation

And I apologise if I have been passive aggressive, my father died on monday I am not qwuiet with it XXXX

Gosh, that poor girl! All those adults thinking about themselves all the time, and expecting her to fall in with their dreams and desires. It's like she's not fully human to anyone, except possibly her grandparents (but even they seem deluded about how happy a girl is whose father is happy to ignore her). THis is nothing like a sperm donor relationship. Her parents had sex, her father's parents love her, yet her father is happy to ignore her existence. I cannot understand how he could do that. You cannot stand in his way or his child's way. She was there first. She was not even an accidental conception, he deliberately made her. He is her father! And she is your son's sister. Why is it so awful that he has a sister? Many children have siblings that are from one or both of their parent's previous marriages, it's quite normal, and they accept it.

And it is ridiculous to try to suggest that the girl's mother tricked this bloke in any way. She didn't pretend to be on the pill, quite the contrary, she asked him to have sex with the express intention of having a child and he agreed to it, and did the deed. What could be more honest than that? He can't pretend she somehow tricked him into anything.

So sorry, nemofish .

So is he a father or a sperm donor because imo there is a huge difference.

The agreement was that he had nothing to do with any potential child. How does your dh feel now this hasn't panned out they way he planned?

Op, were you aware of this child when you got married? Did you presume there would be no contact as per the initial agreement?

Thanks phipps XXXX