Biological daughter making contact (long)

[MrsJS2008]

I?ll be honest and say that I?m not actually sure what I am looking for in posting this ? some perspective or insights perhaps...

So ?my DH is the biological father to S who is around 14-15 years old. My DH, S and her mother (C) are not British. S&C live in their home country.

C told my DH that she had a condition which meant that she would struggle to conceive. As she had no partner at that time she asked my DH (a former lodger) to act as a sperm donor and he (in one of his less well thought out moments) agreed. They did not enter into any formal agreement just did the deed. My DH subsequently had second thoughts and decided not to continue but despite supposedly having a condition which would make it difficult to conceive, C became pregnant after the first occasion.

The agreement was that this arrangement would be an absolute secret, DH would not be part of S?s life in any way and is not named on the birth certificate (it is stated ?father unknown?). This is in fact a criminal offence (I believe on the part of the mother) in DH?s home country.

For two years, the arrangement proceeded as agreed. DH moved away (as had always been his intention) and did not see C or S or remain in contact. He started a new relationship with J who subsequently asked him outright if he had ever fathered a child. DH told J that yes he had and explained the situation. For what reason, I cannot begin to comprehend, J then insisted that DH tell his parents about S?s existence.
My PIL?s then made my DH make contact with C and S and despite living several hundred miles apart have developed a relationship with both of them particularly their grandchild. DH (as agreed) continued not to see either of them, other than once during the meeting to introduce his parents.

Fast forward 10 years, DH and I meet and marry and he lets me know what the situation is. Two years further down the line DH and I have a new DS who we adore. The subject of S did come up shortly after DS was born in a ?what shall we tell DS so that this does not ever freak him out/cause him any confusion if and when he finds out?? kind of way. I?m sorry to say that I then kind of parked it as a ?too difficult? and not something I need to think about now kind of way.

Fast forward to Friday last week and S has sent my DH a facebook friend request. I?m not sure why but I?m freaking out a bit.
I?m not really sure how to proceed or how DH should proceed. I tend to think that facebook is not an appropriate communication tool in the circumstances and think perhaps DH should speak to his parents about the request with a view to them helping to ascertain what S wants and what has prompted this (ie was it just a strange with her friends on a Friday night dare, does she want to know my DH, has the existence of a biologicial half brother prompted this?

We are due to go to visit my PIL?s for Xmas and I was so looking forward to it but I now feel quite nervous that something I am not yet ready for is going to be forced on me. My main concern (I hope ? I am not 100% sure that my motives are quite this pure) is that nothing affects our DS adversely but I see no reason (thinking rationally) why it should. I am possibly/probably unreasonably angry at my PIL?s as I really do believe that their insistence on being part of S?s life was selfish and confusing for her (with regard to her ?father?s place in her life) and on the whole I would rather the whole issue had just gone away and stayed away with everyone being happy with the arrangement (ridiculously unrealistic, I know).

I guess what I am looking for is any help at ordering my thoughts and feelings and any ideas on how to proceed since it no longer seems possible to leave it parked while we enjoy our DS?s early months.

Wasn't going to post any more as I am tired of having to explain the same old thing but to repeat - there is no intention (and never was) to keep S a secret from DS.

The "secret" was what was agreed years ago between DH and C (her request/her rules) but there has been no secret for at least 12 years now. All DH's family know about S. I would never want to put my son into the position that Tonic was in.

I am posting back because I wanted to say thank you to those who have taken te time to post hepfully and to Schnullerbacke for the post and shared experience (I am the queen of long so no need to apologise). It is good to hear a positive outcome/story and probably reinforces my half formed thoughts on extended families.

Phipps - I do think my PIL's acted selfishly. Considering my DH and his DB were still relatively young at the time, they were (it seems) borderline obsessive about their desire for a grandchild. They just as much as any other adult in this situation put their needs/desires first. I do believe that S has benefitted from having GP's in her life so no harm no foul but I also think it may have intensified feelings of rejection by my DH - I think his lack of involvement may have been slightly less confusing to her if there was not this cross-over in their lives - I don't know and suspect these issues/questions are ones which DH and S may need to discuss over the coming months/years.

Nemo my DH was indeed very stupid (my very understated PIL apparently stated to him "not the brightest decision you ever made son" when he found out) and undoubtedly if DH had had the sense to insist upon going through the proper channels such that all relevant matters were considered, he would not have gone through with it. But what is done is done. To dwell on that is to regret S's existence which does not seem at all appropriate and additionally I prefer to try to focus on the fact that C has kept so much as she was able, to her side of the agreement and has behaved very gracefully.

I did not find you at all passive aggressive *Nemo - thank you for taking time to post at such a difficult time and my sympathies.

Phipps I see your point about the Death in Service (it is not the will - DH's will does not yet exist but will consist of I leave my 2 marks & spencer easy care suits to whoever wants them). The point is that DH will only receive the Death in Service if he dies will still working ie while DS and I are reliant upon his support and income. S is cared for by her mother who is significantly better off than I will be if DH dies will still pre-retirement and DS still at home. Hopefully noone will ever receive any death in service benefit.

Geek - it is hard to explain how DH feels. This is not what he wanted. He has always refused to be angry at his parents or J because what is done is done and they are his parents. He acknowledges that he was too hasty and should have gone about this in a more formal way and acknowledges that had he done so he would not have gone through with the arrangement but as I say - the logical conclusion to that is that S would not be here and you just can't go there. The difficulty now will be dealing with those questions if S ever raises them. DH made me aware of S's existence a few months into the relation ship. I was shocked. I am a bit anal and would never have got involved in such an arrangement. I over think things, the criminal offence aspect (the birth certificate) troubled me etc etc etc - all things which DH and C did not think about. So yes I was aware when we married. I believed that S was settled, secure and accepted the situation but I am not stupid and was probably a bit in denial about the likelihood of that changing

Maryz - your comments and willingness to listen to and understand my explanations have been nothing but appreciated. We have disagreed on one point in particular but I respect your views. I probably am a bit selfish and deserve some criticism to be fair but I really am trying to do the right thing and support my DH in doing the same. It is not easy and fair play to those of you who would find it so.

Sorry if I missed any questions, I am trying to answer honestly even if this does not show me in a good light as I do appreciate the time taken to post responses.

sorry - when I say "I would have never got involved in such an arrangement" I mean the one that C and DH did - had I been a man obviously!

"Phipps - I do think my PIL's acted selfishly. Considering my DH and his DB were still relatively young at the time, they were (it seems) borderline obsessive about their desire for a grandchild"

What has this got to do with it? Regardless of whether your h fathered a child at 16 or 36 the resulting baby was just as much their grandchild. Nothing wrong in being very keen to have a grandchild. We will have to disagree as thanks to your "selfish" PIL your husband's daughter had grandparents who were interested in her even when her father wasn't.

From the posts it looks like the op does not want her dh's other child to exist and is having a right toddler tantrum about it, better on here than in real life. I don't think posting any more will help her come to terms with it, I think professsional help is the way for her to go, I feel very much for her baby and her stepdaugther. Sadly I think she will not get help for herself and her selfish dh, and two poor children will suffer the consequences.

OP I think you have been very graceful and very honest in your mulling over of this problem.

You have just had a big change in your family dynamics without the advent of S

Discussing it here shows your commitment to geting it right for everyone involved.

Anyone who thinks you should develop overwhelming love for a child 'just like that' just because your DH acted as a sperm donor is being unrealistic and unhelpful

I'd happily have such a thoughtful woman as my stepmother or mother. I'm sure you will find a way through this doing the right thing for both children

Best wishes

Mummie your conclusions are the exact opposite of what I have said and at the risk of having some of the helpful posters revoke their thoughts of me taking criticism gracefully, I have to say that you should take your own advice. You are clearly very bitter, apply your own circumstances and motivations to other people and MUST be damaging your dd's with your sourness and vitriol.

Phipps to me it is a question of motives. As you say agree to disagree. I like my pils very much and have acknowledged that I may be transferring annoyance with dh on to them.

Thanks all. I really do want to concentrate on helping dh deal with this in rl now and do feel (posts such as mummies aside which drag me down) in a better shape to do that. As noted apart from the form of the contact it really is down to dh and s for now.

Tbh op I don't think your dh is being selfish.

He acted as a sperm donor. That was the agreement. It wasn't done in the legal way but ultimately thats what he was.

both DH and C should have thought more about what the child would think/become curious about. It is not just DH who is at fault in that

I know...that is what I meant by 'creating' a life. But he was the only one who didn't want contact, so HE should have been more careful before deciding to cut & run after creating a life.

MrsJ - what motives do you mean? Your PIL have a grand daughter, they wanted to see her and be a part of her life. There is nothing wrong with that.