Biological daughter making contact (long)

[MrsJS2008]

I?ll be honest and say that I?m not actually sure what I am looking for in posting this ? some perspective or insights perhaps...

So ?my DH is the biological father to S who is around 14-15 years old. My DH, S and her mother (C) are not British. S&C live in their home country.

C told my DH that she had a condition which meant that she would struggle to conceive. As she had no partner at that time she asked my DH (a former lodger) to act as a sperm donor and he (in one of his less well thought out moments) agreed. They did not enter into any formal agreement just did the deed. My DH subsequently had second thoughts and decided not to continue but despite supposedly having a condition which would make it difficult to conceive, C became pregnant after the first occasion.

The agreement was that this arrangement would be an absolute secret, DH would not be part of S?s life in any way and is not named on the birth certificate (it is stated ?father unknown?). This is in fact a criminal offence (I believe on the part of the mother) in DH?s home country.

For two years, the arrangement proceeded as agreed. DH moved away (as had always been his intention) and did not see C or S or remain in contact. He started a new relationship with J who subsequently asked him outright if he had ever fathered a child. DH told J that yes he had and explained the situation. For what reason, I cannot begin to comprehend, J then insisted that DH tell his parents about S?s existence.
My PIL?s then made my DH make contact with C and S and despite living several hundred miles apart have developed a relationship with both of them particularly their grandchild. DH (as agreed) continued not to see either of them, other than once during the meeting to introduce his parents.

Fast forward 10 years, DH and I meet and marry and he lets me know what the situation is. Two years further down the line DH and I have a new DS who we adore. The subject of S did come up shortly after DS was born in a ?what shall we tell DS so that this does not ever freak him out/cause him any confusion if and when he finds out?? kind of way. I?m sorry to say that I then kind of parked it as a ?too difficult? and not something I need to think about now kind of way.

Fast forward to Friday last week and S has sent my DH a facebook friend request. I?m not sure why but I?m freaking out a bit.
I?m not really sure how to proceed or how DH should proceed. I tend to think that facebook is not an appropriate communication tool in the circumstances and think perhaps DH should speak to his parents about the request with a view to them helping to ascertain what S wants and what has prompted this (ie was it just a strange with her friends on a Friday night dare, does she want to know my DH, has the existence of a biologicial half brother prompted this?

We are due to go to visit my PIL?s for Xmas and I was so looking forward to it but I now feel quite nervous that something I am not yet ready for is going to be forced on me. My main concern (I hope ? I am not 100% sure that my motives are quite this pure) is that nothing affects our DS adversely but I see no reason (thinking rationally) why it should. I am possibly/probably unreasonably angry at my PIL?s as I really do believe that their insistence on being part of S?s life was selfish and confusing for her (with regard to her ?father?s place in her life) and on the whole I would rather the whole issue had just gone away and stayed away with everyone being happy with the arrangement (ridiculously unrealistic, I know).

I guess what I am looking for is any help at ordering my thoughts and feelings and any ideas on how to proceed since it no longer seems possible to leave it parked while we enjoy our DS?s early months.

God - I'm confused. Going back to Acinonyx (sorry, I did not mean to ignore you, I have been thinking). I probably am being controlling. When DS was born/conceived, I had thought that it would probably be best for him to know S (if that was what she also wanted). I just expected it to happen (if at all) at my pace which is outrageous, I know .

Maryz - you are not entirely right about C. She did not "welcome the contact" as MoreCrack pointed out this was not at all what she had wanted either. In fact it caused quite an issue for her at first for a specific reason but she does now have a cordial relationship with my PIL. I am sure she would do whatever she now feels is best for her daughter.

Thankfully I'm under my halloween name change so that this will only be under this name for a few weeks as its so raw that I don't ever post about it / discuss it.

My biological father didn't want anything to do with me, I was an accident the result of a quick fling and my mum married someone else a couple of years after I was born. My parents later divorced and the person I knew as dad (after adopting me) later refused contact too. I KNOW I would have been better to have limited contact with biological father rather than none.

I would try and look at it from S's perspective rather than yours. You are in a safe, stable relationship with dh and new ds who is always going to be your priority but it shouldn't mean that some sort of relationship with S should not be formed. It is going to be so much better for her in the long run if some sort of contact can be maintained. Its obviously helpful to her she has contact with her gp's whatever the circumstances of that.
She is a teenager ( I guess) with lots of questions and is at an extremely formative part of her life.

I would speak to PIL about contact and the best way they think it should go ahead. Dh needs to be quite realistic about this and not bury head in the sand. Dealing with this sensitively and slowly could be the best thing for all long term.
It may be that all S is after is some sort of email communication and acknowledgement that she does exist. Hopefully the gp's can act as intermediaries if necessary. Agree facebook is not the best forum for this to happen though and slow contact maybe via letter would be great. Sorry for the long post. Hope it works out.

I have name-changed for this so I can't be identified. I found your description very similar to my own family situation (I was in the same position as your DS). I don't intend to hijack your thread, but I'll tell you what happened so you can see how this has played out in another family. Sorry it is very long.

My dad married and had a daughter with a woman who he got divorced from when my half-sister was very young. His ex-wife then took their daughter to live in another country. When my sister got older she refused to have any contact with my dad but stayed in very close touch with my dad's mum (grandfather was dead by this point) and our aunt and cousins. My dad met and married my mum and they had me some time after. When I was about 12, my sister got in touch with my dad again and they reestablished a relationship.

My parents dealt with it in (IMO) the worst way possible, namely, not telling me anything about it until I was 17, despite the fact that I'd actually met her at some family events (she was introduced to me as a distant cousin). When they did finally tell me in a grand dramatic revelation, I was absolutely devastated. I honestly felt as though my father had been unfaithful by having, essentially, a secret other family. It has severely damaged my relationship with him, not least because he made my grandma and all his family (and my mum's family) collude in keeping my sister's real identity secret. So I felt betrayed by them too. I can now see that in particular my cousins on my dad's side kept their distance from me because they felt their loyalty lay primarily with my sister: I have never managed to build a close relationship with them and to be honest I wouldn't really consider them to be family anymore. I feel like my sister basically stole my chance of having a relationship with my dad's family.

So I think what I would say to you is that if you're going to tell your son, you can't leave it too long. Is he 2 now? In which case he won't really understand if he does meet her now. But if they meet when he is old enough to understand family relationships, I think you must tell him who she is instead of concealing it. It wasn't much fun for my sister to be a secret for so long either.

I think you and your husband will also have to weigh up whether any relationship with his daughter is going to be permanent or not, because that will be a factor in how you handle it with your son. I can see that one of the reasons my parents didn't tell me is because a) at first there was no contact at all and they didn't want to confuse me and b) later, my sister wasn't particularly stable and they weren't sure if the contact with her was going to last, and they didn't want to involve me unless she was going to be around permanently. But because your son is so young you do have a bit of time to figure this out.

Finally, I think that you shouldn't neglect your own feelings about the situation. If you knew about the situation when you married, then you should have known there is always a possibility that children will contact their biological parents later in life - BUT - that doesn't mean it isn't natural to feel shocked and destabilized by this, (and possibly quite pissed off with PILs for interfering).

You seem to be approaching this in a thoughtful way, so I suggest you talk to your husband about it. First I think you should talk about whether he wants a relationship with her at all. I think it's fine for you to acknowledge that you are very unsettled by this, but ultimately if he does want some kind of contact I don't think you should veto it - but I don't think it's unreasonable to say that you would like this to happen at a pace you are both comfortable with and that you don't want to feel manipulated into anything you are not comfortable with at Xmas. Then I would make the approach via the PILs (definitely not FB!) to see what she wants from a relationship with you. The you can decide how to proceed with your son.

Good luck. I think if you handle it well there is a good chance of a good outcome for everybody. I have a half-way reasonable relationship with my sister, although less so with the rest of Dad's family.

Thanks Colditz - I think you are right about that. I had been looking at the adoption threads (not quite the same I know)to see how people best recommend telling children about such things.

OP, what do you think will hurt your DS most. Knowing he has a sister, or knowing that you all knew he had a sister and kept it from him? Because he will find out.

i appreciate that your situation is different from mine but there is still a little girl out there who wants to know her daddy and imho i really think that you should encourage your dh to give her what she needs

just really really try to imagine how you would feel if for whatever reason it was YOUR ds that was in this girls situation... it might make you change your ideas a bit, or even try to get dh to imagine what it would be like for his son

i guess i can't get over certain things you have said, for example about the fb privacy thing... she will want to know everything about your family (you are HER family too you know)

i'm not trying to be hard on you but just think ho hard it is on the poor girl, just because her mother and father made the decision for him to be out of her life does not mean that she will just accept that

i guess i'm so emotional about this subject given that it is just happening in my own life that i am quite upset about how you feel (but that is my problem, not yours!)

Ur dh was and is a parent 2 a child that is not urs, as many agreed counselling 2 deal with ur issues may help, u have displaced anger, denial and scapgoating issues from ur posts!

Well put Dione.

And I agree with MrsRB, you are coming across as quite mean with comments like the facebook privacy one. She is your family, you have to accept that and not exclude her just because you're not happy with the circumstances of her birth. She didn't make those decisions, the adults in her life (ie. her parents, including your husband) did, and those adults should be the ones accommodating to her.

It is incredibly selfish of you to try to deny this child access to her dad, and also will potentially harm the relationship between you, your husband and your son. As for your son being your priority, yes, of course he is, but you seem to be using him as a flimsy excuse for depriving this little girl of her dad because of your own insecurities.

I think you are getting a hard time here OP. As far as I can see it if you offer to donate sperm, it's not the same as offering to be a parent... from the sperm donor's point of view.

However the child may view it very differently and now you are dealing with the consequent muddle.

I sense you wish to do the right thing but are trying to deal with your confused emotions?

Your DS will accept this situation far better than you imagine.

Talk and consider each other's insecurities and I suspect honesty will pay off for you all

loopy put what i said much better than i did. but that is what i meant

Maryz - thinking pragmatically about how to go about contact (not to avoid it!) was kind of what I was hoping to get from MN! Unfortunately some attacks started and I went into defensive mode (but in my defence did also try to think about what was being said to me - by most posters anyway).

LotofDamnation & Tonic - thank you for sharing your experiences, especially such sensitive ones. I will digest what you say and thank you for being understanding despite having had painful experiences. I'd never veto DH have contact but at the same time my relationship with DH is the only truly honest relationship I have ever had and I don't want to hide my feelings (should I on this subject)? Ideally I want to work through them so that it can be more positive. I do think that this is probably the best for my son (as well as S - we don't actually know what she wants).

Tonic - DS is not even 4 months yet! This is undoubtedly part of the problem - he is so tiny and defenceless - he just brings out my (over) protective instincts. I will become more rational about that, I'm sure (heaven help him, if not)!

mrsj, you have tried to think about what was said to you but i think the reason you got 'attacked' is because of the way you come across... very uncaring about the little girl :(

perhaps someone should ask S what she wants, has your dh accepted her request yet?

Ops dh told her he was a donor, sadly people lie, he may have left a preg gf and child and he was ashamed so lied! and i wonder if op is scared that is the truth and he will repeat his behavior! And if sd comes on scene ugly truth will out!

i still don't understand what exactly your feelings are tbh..

MrsJS2008 It seems you are struggling to deal with the priority potentially moving away from your DS. For two years you have built your little family unit with your first born child and now you have been given a reminder that your DS is not your DH's first born. He had a life and a past that you would like to obliterate from everyone's memory but it won't go away.

I don't know how to say this other than plainly: S is a child, you are an adult. In the same way you would like all adults to behave with compassion and caring to your child, you have to show that compassion to other children. Even and especially, your DH's child. Regardless of what you and your DH feel about the way C conceived S (it's clear you think she lied), S has nothing to do with her conception. She is a child wanting to know about her father.

In a few months S might decide her curiosity has been satisfied and she doesn't feel a need a father figure in her life permanently. But for now she wants some contact and presumably your DHs side of the story about how she came to exist. Didn't your DH think ahead that this day would or could one day arrive when agreeing to be a sperm donor?

S is probably already feeling rejected by her father as she sees her grandparents but not father. I see you talk about how your DH should proceed but you haven't said anything about what he wants to do. To be honest, a man who wants to stick to the original deal and not have any contact with his child is not someone I would be proud to have as the father to my child.

Feel dismay about the situation if you must but don't make a young girl suffer because your illusion - and it was just an illusion - of a perfect family unit has been shattered. No non has ever lied to you and you knew his past when you got involved.

LoupyLoup - maybe I am mean. What I meant about FB is that DH and I both live apart from our families so we post quite a lot on there (photos etc of our activities especially since having DS) so that the grandparents can see DS growing up. DH's parents will be lucky to see DS once every 18 months - 2 years and even my own parents will only get to see him about every 6-8 weeks). I was worried that she might see us all happy families and feel that she is missing out. I really am sorry if that is mean - I was trying to be thoughtful but am abviously not much good at it.

VictoriasLKS - thank you. I can't tell you how glad I am that I did not post on AIBU.

Going to bed but will check back in the morning - I'm not running away from any criticism - I will try to consider it all honestly.

Mrsjs2008 - I think you are dealing with the situation sensitively, what after all is an extremely emotive subject for all concerned. I do possibly think your dh has been a little naive in thinking that he can brush this under the carpet rather than dealing with it.
If anything it will bring you closer, trying to include S into your family in whatever way you all decide is possibly the best for all.

Ds will just know her as S until he is old enough to need to understand his relationship with her. If you (collective you!) were to start written contact with her as a family including some photos of ds and you and dh it would show her who you all are. I really think that something for her to be able to read and re read and look at is possibly the best way for her to digest that with dh comes the rest of his family. My biological father had 2 more children and I'd of loved to have met them and his wife. I would think that S has a good relationship with her very understanding mother (since PIL'S barged in) and she is fairly secure just inquisitive.

Feel free to PM me if want anymore info etc. But really think that the truth when dealing with S and C however it is done is possibly the best all round.

Maryz, i find it unfair that a woman got involved with my then husband and suceeded with his consent in wrecking my girls as she couldnt handle his past and felt she was competing! wanted 2 erase human children dtc! Also sadly my ex oqened my eyes to the lies men will tell 2 hide their bad behavior and rewrite history...

OP - you sound emotional and you have a newborn which is making you confront all sorts of issues over parenthood at exactly the time that this teenager is contacting her the man who fathered her.

I'm sure it is a complete muddle for you. To me you sound desperately keen to do the right thing and to take advice.

I think if people push you will feel threatened.

Relax. S may turn out to be a lovely lovely addition to your lives.

Mummie - MIL has confirmed DH's "version" of events as being entirely in line with C's. MIL also told me something about C which DH did not know (not a lie @ whoever it was that suggested that I think she lied but something along those lines). I'm not going to criticise C - I think she has done very well in dealing with everything.

MrsRhett - the point is that my feelings are kind of what I am trying to work out. Unsettled would be about it. DH has not accepted S's FB request and since the two posters above (lotofdamnation and Tonic) who have been in similar situations agree FB is not the best way to go I think perhaps through PIL might be better as they suggest).

I'm not repeating things I have already said to new posters. I posted on here to express my confusion and to ask about how best to go about contact NOT to suggest vetoing any contact and have made it clear that DH will do what is best for S! I clearly don't express myself half as clearly as I had thought.

But mummiehunnie.... that isn't the fault of the OP

So attacking her isn't helpful

LotofDamnation - that is very kind of you, thank you. x-posting all over so am going to snuggle and feed DS and say Good Night.