Don't know what to do

[wearingaway]

I'm sitting here with a black eye and a gin and tonic.

Last night we fought. He turned the electricity off so I pulled his hair. He responded.

I can't bring myself to end it as I'm terrified of being alone. I'm dreading the questions at work on Monday.

I'm not asking for sympathy, this mess is my fault. I'm the bad guy here. How to I cope?

Thank you Dittany.

I realise now my post was too harsh, and won't help the OP in the way I want it to, I just hate hate hate reading of other women being in violent relationships and not getting out fast.

I know it's easy enough for me to say, 7 years after leaving, with my life so much better now, "just leave for goodness sake", but for the woman stuck there, it's not so easy.

I just wish there was some way of quickly and completely persuading mners like this to leave. It makes me cross that people they have trusted into their lives have got so much control over them that they can hurt them and they still don't leave

Please WA, please please please just find the strength to leave. I promise you it will be the best thing you ever did in your life.

Wearingaway, what happens when/if you talk about the violence with your partner?

I'm going to talk to him when he gets back (out with friends at the moment).

I haven't got a clue what I'm going to say. I'm actually shaking.

You are scared of the man you live with. Do you want that for your children?

I'm so sorry you are shaking and scared. Would it be easier to write down how you are feeling or what you want to say to him?

I wonder if there is anywhere else you could go to get your head together tonight? Maybe you could say you are obviously both knackered after fighting and also a party and need to get a rest before work? You sound like you need space to think.

My advice for what it is worth is "walk away" whilst you can.
Been married to two brutes before, was lucky to survive, went through the womens aid system and every other counselling service there is,
It never stops at just a black eye,
the fact that he hit you, even just once makes him no good.
Just put on your coat and hat and walk straight out the door and don't look back.
First time, I was twenty years before I walked through that door, I too did not want to be lonely, eventually I did not want to be dead.
Second husband took up where the first left off,
and again, it took a while for me to admit I'd made another mistake, four years, but I walked away, eventually.

You are a worthwhile person,
start to believe in yourself and your life will change.

Even him turning off the electricity, is in itself an abuse of his power over you,
Leave him.

Thing is, this is my home - he has no legal rights over it. It would have to be him leaving. I need to convince him to leave. How?

Tell him you want the relationship to finish and he is to leave now.

Call the police and have him removed...

I say that but i know it not as easy to do as it is to say..

Despite his behaviour being appalling, I think he will be surprised that you genuinely want him to leave. Maybe you just need to have that first conversation so that he knows you are not happy to carry on the way you are. What do you think he thinks when he looks at your black eye? Will he admit that you aren't good for each other (rather than take responsibility for being a violent bully which I imagine he won't).

I don't know what triggers his anger but I imagine being told to leave won't go down well. Do you own the house or rent it?

Of course you need to be safe and have him out of your life but surely not with a dramatic gesture that will provoke him. You know him best, you need to find a way out of this that protects you and, if possible, your home. How do you see this playing out?

If it's your home and he has no rights there, then you can put his stuff in binbags on the step and change the locks. And if he then tries to force his way back into the house, you can have him arrested and removed. The fact that he has assaulted you means you don't have to bother with any 'reasonable notice to quit' or anything like that.
Now I appreciate that you are going to feel able to do this, and, whether because there is some part of you that thinks this sort of shitty drama-filled relationship is 'passionate' and 'exciting' (because it's what you're used to and because this sort of thing does get romanticized by some stupid people), or because you have been so ground down by this horrid man that you don't feel you have the resources to stand up to him yet, I hope that knowing you can, legally, chuck him out of the house and out of your life right now if you want to may help you feel less powerless.

how are you doing wa?

I hope you are feeling better wearingaway. Were you able to talk?