Don't know what to do

[wearingaway]

I'm sitting here with a black eye and a gin and tonic.

Last night we fought. He turned the electricity off so I pulled his hair. He responded.

I can't bring myself to end it as I'm terrified of being alone. I'm dreading the questions at work on Monday.

I'm not asking for sympathy, this mess is my fault. I'm the bad guy here. How to I cope?

Please stay on here and tell us how the next few days pan out.

Everyone here will be your new friends if you want them to be.

Men don't hit women on a first date, otherwise they would leave. They wait until they are too low to leave, then they hit them. I know you are in denial but you know this isn't right or you wouldn't have posted this.

You can't explain away a black eye and you clearly aren't ready to tell people how it happened so put lots of make up on, take this one day at a time and when you are ready read this thread again.

Am off for a bath and to hunt out the concealer and sunglasses.

The party starts in a couple of hours. Wish me luck and thank you.

Though I have a sneaky suspicion I'll be playing "i'm going slightly mad" by queen on the stereo all night - I pity our guests lol.

I picked up a wooden toy my ex's daughter made and hit him over the head, he slapped me, hard. Neighbours called the police, I was the one who had to go to the station to cool off. He went to hospital for stitches.

Ashamed? Of course. Should he have hit me back? I can't say I blamed him. But what I did know was there was no way we could stay together. I am the least violent person on the planet. But the years of lies and trauma had worn me down, to the point where there were no words to be said.

When it's all over bar the fighting, it really is all over.

I left the next morning with the clothes I stood up in. We were in a new city due to his career, he was very well known. I knew no one. Didn't matter. I started over, met some great friends, and later my dh. I never looked back.

Please leave. For yourself, and for your future. Don't be ashamed or afraid, it takes strength and courage to walk away and to say " I deserve happiness'. This is not happiness.

you have nothing to be ashamed of. at all.

please find the strength somewhere, so you can get out.

he wants you to have kids so you'll be tied to him and be even more dependent. don't go there. tell someone in rl.

this is classic abuse - to make you feel guilty so you stay subdued and not in control.

Wearingaway please leave this man. You are notmaking it sound worse than it is you are just saying how it is, and that's not good. Leave now please.

At the very least, call Womens Aid and get some support. Take it from there.

If you stay together you will be more lonely than you have ever been in your whole life, I promise you that.

Having a partner does not mean you won't be lonely.

Wearingaway, how was your night? How are feeling today?

Hope everything went OK for you last night .
x

Thank you for thinking of me.

Last night was fine, everyone was very nice including DP. No incidents, no stress. What I'm going to do in the long term I simply don't know.

Did you get a chance to talk things over with your dp ? Maybe sitting him down & telling him that if he touches you again you are going to leave . You have to mean it though . In the mean time start to safe up some money of your own in case you need to leave .

Yes you do know WA. You are going to get rid of this arsehole and sort yourself out. You are in a better position than you think in that you have no DC so you can fuck the horrible man off and never have to see him again. Once you are rid of him and rebuilding your life, a major priority should be: no relationships for at least a year. Because you need to build your self esteem and set some good boundaries: growing up in a violent home stops this happening and means, unfortunately, that you are vulnerable to bullies and predators. WOmen's AId will be able to recommend counselling/help/books etc.
Best of luck. It can be done.

Oh For goodness sake, what you're going to do for the long term is leave.

It's not rocket science.

If you don't have any friends then start making them.

For goodness sake take some control of your life, instead of just moaning on here.

Solid said it better than I could.

sorry if I sound harsh. But I don't think sympathy is what you need to hear right now.

We haven't talked about it. To be honest I don't have the energy for it today. It's wierd, eveything is back to normal now. It's as if it never happened.

But it did happen & it will happen again & again unless you take some sort of action now .

How can he not talk about it when the evidence of his abuse is staring him in the face every time he looks at you?

How can he be normal around you? And not full of self-loathing and remorse.

This is not normal.

What are you staying for? More beatings and humiliation? If you have children together they sure as hell will see what's going on. If you want children one day, you owe it to them to leave this man now.

Because those children you've yet to have deserve better.

This is going to carry on and it WILL get worse! Lord knows what could happen to you when with this poor excuse for a man.

Please leave before he seriously hurts you.

Things may seem like they are "back to normal" but they arent & never will be. He knows he can hit you and he will always get away with it. He knows you will be weak & put up with it.

PROVE HIM WRONG.

He is not worth your time and you need to get out of this situation before its too late.

I urge you to really think about this, talk to friends/family/samaritans...anyone in RL. You will need some support but you can do it. You have no ties to this man (thank goodness), so you can simply pack a bag & get out of there.

Agree with Dittany.

But seriously, why oh why are you not taking control of your life?

Maybe you want to be the victim?

Maybe, secretly, you like all the sympathy you are getting here, you like playing the martyr, you like putting on a brave face and welcoming all his friends into your house, knowing you just had a fight, maybe it excites you that he can be that dramatic, he must love you to get so emotionally involved and worked up enough to hit you.

Is that what you think? Do you think part of you might think his abuse gives meaning to your life? Adds an element of excitement? What?

I cannot think of any other reason why you are still there.

I know dittany, I know.

I am just trying to spur the OP into leaving, and we've already told her all the usual things, given her women's aid numbers, given her sympathy, but she makes no mention of even contemplating leaving, but neither does she sound scared for her life.

I just want her to leave. I want her to realise she can. That she has the strength to if only she would decide to and take control.

I don't want her to make the mistakes I made, long ago.

And I still bear the scars on my back from the day I left. I know that is the most dangerous time.

But the sooner she gets out, before the violence escalates, the better.