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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know what to do

120 replies

wearingaway · 16/10/2010 13:01

I'm sitting here with a black eye and a gin and tonic.

Last night we fought. He turned the electricity off so I pulled his hair. He responded.

I can't bring myself to end it as I'm terrified of being alone. I'm dreading the questions at work on Monday.

I'm not asking for sympathy, this mess is my fault. I'm the bad guy here. How to I cope?

OP posts:
phipps · 16/10/2010 15:59

I wonder why.

Original poster
wearingaway · 16/10/2010 16:03

What do you mean by that?

OP posts:
spidookly · 16/10/2010 16:04

at a guess she means that if you have children it will be harder for you to leave and easier for him to beat you without consequence.

overmydeadbody · 16/10/2010 16:05

For Goodness Sake, do you like playing the victim?

Please PLEASe find some strength and self respect and change this situation, all you have to do is leave. It'll be the best thing that ever happened to you. You don't need him, and you won't miss him, not once you've mourned the relationship that you never had but always desperately wanted.

Call Women's aid. Now.

overmydeadbody · 16/10/2010 16:06

And for goodness sake don't bring a poor innocent child into this horrible relationship of violence.

Bloodandsnakesplease · 16/10/2010 16:06

I normally stay away from threads like this but I really think this relationship isn't healthy and I don't think as the years go by it will improve, I think it'll get worse and you'll loose your self esteem, confidence, think no one else will want you etc. Leave whilst you still have the strength. In healthy relationships these things you talk about do not generally happen, maybe you'd throw some crockery worse case scenario but that's it imo. Speak to Womens Aid.

phipps · 16/10/2010 16:07

Yes, I mean I think he wants you pregnant and bare foot so you can't so easily leave.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/10/2010 16:19

You do not sound like a chav; all your words are those of a domestic violence victim. Do you actually see yourself as someone on the receiving end of domestic violence?.

What btw did you learn about relationships from your own parents?.

Why do you think the neighbours called the police?. They heard you and were concerned for your safety.

You are in danger here from him and have been so for some while now. Denial and hiding away from the situation is exactly what he wants; these are what keeps you trapped within it. He could well kill you if you stayed with him. You are in your 30s, you will perhaps not see your 40s if you stayed with him.

Do not bring a child into such a relationship.

Why are you together, what are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Bet you as well he controls your every move.
You need help badly and Womens Aid as well can help you here. The hard part for you is actually taking that first step but you must take it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/10/2010 16:22

Anger management is no good for perpetrators of domestic violence as it can make the situation far worse. Counselling is also never recommended when there is ongoing violence; he is likely manipulating the counsellor and making it out to be all your fault.

Again what did you witness from your own parents relationship when growing up?. Was theirs a violent one like yours now is?.

Original poster
wearingaway · 16/10/2010 16:25

Yes my parents fought. I know this isn't healthy, but am terrified of being on my own. I don't have many friends - he has hundreds. I know I wouldn't see anybody outside of work for weeks on end if I asked him to leave.

OP posts:
mamatomany · 16/10/2010 16:26

There was a case where a man murdered his wife because his dinner was burnt and will serve 9 months, recently I am not joking.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1299982/Manslaughter-TV-executive-given-18-months-killing-wife-burnt-roast-beef-row.html?ITO=1490
This is what you are up against if you stay in an abusive relationship, he will get away with it.
You are able bodied with 2 legs I assume, use them to run to your mothers house.

phipps · 16/10/2010 16:26

Is this what you really want from your life?

spidookly · 16/10/2010 16:26

Then work on making a new set of friends after he has gone.

You can't stay with someone who beats you just because they have a lot of friends.

Original poster
wearingaway · 16/10/2010 16:30

Actually his friends annoy me - my point was that I have none and will be even more isolated than I already am.

I'm scared.

OP posts:
elmofang · 16/10/2010 16:33

You are terrified of being on your own , but if one day his temper goes too far you will never be able to see anyone ever again. Please re-read all the advice you are getting on this thread .

phipps · 16/10/2010 16:34

What are you more scared of? Being alone but free to make new friends or waiting and wondering when the next beating will come from? You were wrong to hit him, he was wrong to hit you. I don't see him going so you have too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/10/2010 16:35

WA,

I thought you had seen violence within your parents own relationship when growing up and that is why I mentioned it; these people conditioned you to accept that as somehow "normal" behaviour that couples do. You did not know any better at the time and just accepted it as fact but you need to fully realise that what is happening to you is wrong and there is no justification for it. He could end up killing you and I never write that lightly, do not become such a statistic.

You can escape him but the first step out has to be done by you. I urge you to call WA, they will help you.

My guess as well is that he does not have hundreds of friends; abusers like him are very plausible to those in the outside world but they don't really have friends. He has by the sounds of it managed to isolate you socially as well. I think you were targetted by such an abusive man as well because you were and remain very vulnerable.

Counselling for your own self would be good for you in terms of what you saw when growing up. You need to "unlearn" the unhealthy patterns you learnt from your parents regarding relationships.

There are means of support for you but you need to reach out and take it. Again Womens Aid can and will help you here; they have heard many such stories before now and they truly will help you. I would rather see you on your own and safe than remaining with this abusive man. Being in an abusive relationship benefits no-one.

Original poster
wearingaway · 16/10/2010 16:37

I'm making this sound far worse than it is. What I was really wondering about was how on earth do I cope with today. What's an acceptable but believeable excuse for a black eye? Can't be arsed with gossip and questions at work on Monday.

Thank you for all your advice - it's all true I know but putting it into practice is another matter!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/10/2010 16:37

Womens Aid

0808 2000 247

Please call them. Your life is in increasing danger the longer you stay with him.

spidookly · 16/10/2010 16:37

More isolated than hiding alone in your room from people you don't like so they don't see your bruises?

I can't imagine anything more isolating than that.

Solitude and isolation are not the same thing.

phipps · 16/10/2010 16:40

And there it is. The comment about making it seem worse than it is.

If you intend to say just tell people you walked into a door or had something fall on you. People won't believe you but you can try and convince yourself that everything is fine.

Original poster
wearingaway · 16/10/2010 16:40

I'm going to be brave and sneak downstairs. We were supposed to be having a party later - dreading it.

Thank you ladies. Just talking to other people has helped.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/10/2010 16:42

"I'm making this sound far worse than it is".

Again this is denial on your part and downplaying the violence does not help you at all. Actually I think you are downplaying it for different reasons; I am certain too that there are other incidents that you have not mentioned.

"What I was really wondering about was how on earth do I cope with today".

Calling Womens Aid is a good start

"What's an acceptable but believeable excuse for a black eye? Can't be arsed with gossip and questions at work on Monday".

Why cover up for him?. Downplaying the abuse you suffer just plays into his hands even more. Why should he get away with violence?.
If your employers/personnel dept are sympathetic they will help you as well.

"Thank you for all your advice - it's all true I know but putting it into practice is another matter!"

The above is one of the first sensible comments I have seen from you so there is still hope:). As for putting it into practice yes that is another matter entirely but would you rather be free of him or potentially on a mortuary slab because of him?. There is WA; they will help you, you just have to ask for help and they will help you get out.

mamatomany · 16/10/2010 16:43

Last word from me, when I was 18 I used to hit my boyfriend, am deeply ashamed of it but it was all I knew about relationships. He'd wind me up, there were times in public I slapped him so hard my hand hurt and he cried. He never ever hit me back though, he just wasn't like that, I was lucky.
I got the counseling I needed and he rightly dumped me, the circle had to be broken, if we'd stayed together neither of us would have had a happy life and now we are both married to other people, with children of our own and I have never hit anyone since.

phipps · 16/10/2010 16:47

If you intend to stay that should have said.