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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know what to do

120 replies

wearingaway · 16/10/2010 13:01

I'm sitting here with a black eye and a gin and tonic.

Last night we fought. He turned the electricity off so I pulled his hair. He responded.

I can't bring myself to end it as I'm terrified of being alone. I'm dreading the questions at work on Monday.

I'm not asking for sympathy, this mess is my fault. I'm the bad guy here. How to I cope?

OP posts:
Antalya1 · 16/10/2010 14:27

no..no..no..no, in no way, shape or form is it acceptable to be punched. and "I wish that he'd finished it"...what does that mean???...there's something seriously wrong here. No you shouldn't have pulled his hair, but he retaliates by punching you that hard in your face that your left with a black eye!!! What is this relationship like? Words fail me...you're worried about the state of the house and what his friends will say Shock

Have you anyone that you can talk to in RL?..this doesn't sound healthy at all..we all argue...that's normal...but this isn't

Original poster
wearingaway · 16/10/2010 14:32

No, I'd sooner die that get anybody in RL involved. Can't think of anyway to deal with this than simply hide.

OP posts:
elmofang · 16/10/2010 14:38

wearingaway Sad please dont stay with him , its easier to walk away when there's no children involved as you can make a clean break from him . Do you have any family or friends you could stay with ? You deserve to feel safe in your own home .

phipps · 16/10/2010 14:54

You need to wake up and stop being negative. You clearly don't work together and since he has hit you a few times and had no consequences the chances are he will do it again.

Original poster
wearingaway · 16/10/2010 15:04

To be fair, he just brought me a cuppa. I nearly told him to leave this moring, nearly.

Just hiding from his friends now. God I'm sad.

OP posts:
phipps · 16/10/2010 15:06

To be fair?? What are you telling yourself. He hit you. He gave you a black eye and you are hiding in your room. A cup of tea does not make everything all right.

Go downstairs, show yourself. And apologise for pulling his hair. Hopefully he will then apologise for hitting you and you can talk like grown ups.

nicnacinoonoo · 16/10/2010 15:14

wearingaway Sat 16-Oct-10 13:05:25
I deserved it, that's how.

He still loves me, he's never done it before. He's out with a friend but due back in an hour. I'm knackered.

wearingaway Sat 16-Oct-10 14:21:09
No, it's not the first time. Maybe the third of fourth in around three years. Twice in the last month though.

elmofang · 16/10/2010 15:27

Agree with phipps - a cup of tea does not make everything OK . He gave you a black eye , what will he do the next time you have an argument ? If i were you I'd be packing his bags for him while you are in the bedroom & handing them to him in front of his mates .

Original poster
wearingaway · 16/10/2010 15:30

The most humiliating thing is that one of the neighbours called the police. Chriest I sound like a right chav. Urgh.

Just wish the house wasn't always full of his friends. It means we rarely get five minutes alone anymore, which may be the point when I think about it.

OP posts:
phipps · 16/10/2010 15:35

You don't sound like a chav, you sound like someone in denail. I am wondering if this is even true now tbh. Assuming it is, you need to be an adult and sort your relationship out. You shouldn't be together when you wind each other up so much that you get violent.

Original poster
wearingaway · 16/10/2010 15:38

I wish it wasn't true. I can see how this may seem far fetched though. I think I'm in some kind of shock. This isn't how my life was supposed to turn out.

OP posts:
elmofang · 16/10/2010 15:39

Are you both very young ? Have you been together long ?

phipps · 16/10/2010 15:39

No one plans to be hit. I have been hit in the past so I know how it can feel. When his friends have gone you need to talk to him. Do you want to stay with him?

Original poster
wearingaway · 16/10/2010 15:41

No, we're in our thirties and have been togther just over three years.

OP posts:
Original poster
wearingaway · 16/10/2010 15:44

What I meant was I didn't think that women like me ended up like this. I know this is incrediably snobby but I thought that being educated, well-brought up and responsible, in some way protected you from ending up like this.

Sounds idiotic now.

OP posts:
Bloodandsnakesplease · 16/10/2010 15:46

I think you need to have a chat with Womens Aid about your relationship and see what they think about it all. I suspect they'll suggest you separate and advise you how to do it safely.

I really wouldn't recommend having a baby in a relationship already this turbulent and difficult. Also what if he punched you in your tummy once pregnant? Sad

spidookly · 16/10/2010 15:48

Please, please can you tell someone in Real Life about this?

Tell me what is wrong with this situation -

A woman, in her own home, feels unable to go downstairs because she is embarrassed to be seen with a black eye. The man who beat her has brought people into her home while she hides away her bruises. He brings her up a cup of tea to help keep her concealed. She is grateful to him.

You need help. Proper help.

phipps · 16/10/2010 15:51

Yes, it does sound idiotic but so is the situation you are in now. Hiding away while your partner has his friends round.

What are you going to do? Are you going to stay with him?

Original poster
wearingaway · 16/10/2010 15:52

I don't know Phipps, I really don't. Part of me wishes he'd leave the other would miss him terribly.

OP posts:
Bloodandsnakesplease · 16/10/2010 15:55

This will be controversial but any problems in your relationship now will be execerbated with a newborn baby and no sleep imo. Do you really want a child brought up in this sort of environment with shouting arguements that turn into hitting?

elmofang · 16/10/2010 15:56

x

wearing , you seem very "ground down" to me tbh . Are you afraid of him ? Sad
I really think you are in a dangerous relationship & you need to leave .

phipps · 16/10/2010 15:56

Nothing to flame you for, Blood. Having a baby now would be the stupidest thing to do.

mamatomany · 16/10/2010 15:56

For god sake don't have a baby with him, you'll end up a single mum because when you have a child to think of you'll find the courage to leave.
Save yourself a shed load of heartache and find a man who doesn't hit you to be the father of your child, there are millions of them out there, you deserve one of those and so do your little eggies Grin

spidookly · 16/10/2010 15:58

Yes, do NOT bring a child into a relationship where there is mutual violence and shutting off of the electricity.

If you want children then leave and find someone else to have them with.

Original poster
wearingaway · 16/10/2010 15:58

don't worry, I'm stubbordnly staying on the pill for now. He's dying for us to have kids though.

OP posts:
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