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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

(d)h threatened to hit me

580 replies

itstimmy · 10/10/2010 08:52

Yes I provoked him.

When we met he said he had threatened to hit a gf before. And he said if another lady talked to him in a provoking way he would hit her, as apparently 'women who provoke secretly want to be hit'.

There have been lots of small things over the last 7 years I have wanted to speak to him about, I have, to no avail, he will just cut me off with a threatening look or sarcasum. And there have been a number of big things over the years I have had to keep a lid on when really I wanted to go ballistic with him. This has led to me simmering with resentment and anger at him, I just want to speak out and be heard and for him to actually take some action...but I dare not for this threat.

So yesterday it was a minor incident, I have been 'needling' him about it and making a few snippy comments, and in front of dd which I'm not proud of but I can hardly tell her not to do something when her dad is...it needs both of them to stop and have spoken to both indvidually about it. And I made one last comment yesterday, I was just incredibly pissed off but could not tell him how annoyed I was due to constant threat so made a pointed 'look what has happened, don't do it to the next one' comment and he got up from table and went to other room.

About 15 min later he comes to room where I'm folding clothes and warns me that I nearly got hit. To stop provoking him or I will get hit. He was not threatening me or trying to bully me he was warning me. And that it would hurt (said that a few times) and we have two small children in the house and that he did not want to hit me but I was provoking him into it. He was v scary, as he rarely makes eye contact and he did yesterday. First I tried to put on a I'm not scared leave me alone look but he told me I was provoking him, so I told him in a calmer (upset way, I was scared) why I had done it and it was wrong to have provoked but I had done it because he has been ignoring what I've been saying and I just want him to listen to me. In the end after a few more 'warnings' I asked him to leave, so (cursing myself now) I left the room and went to bathroom (door shut) so quietly cry my heart out, then when he went out drinking last night to do it again. He has left house again for an hour now and I just want to cry again. When he's in room I just start meaningless things like stirring porridge, feel a bit shakey.

I don't know what to do now. Does this mean after 7 years he is going to start to hit me? What will count as 'provoking'? Will going out all the time be provoking as I don't want to be in the same room as him. There have been a number of incidents over the years that have made me want to leave but I think this could take the biscuit.

On another note I don't think he loves or cares for me which is probably also where the provoking comes from...

I feel humiliated and scared. Wish I could threaten to smack him one...but even if I had the advantage I would not.

I know I can be a martyr and annoying but what the hell do I do now? I cannot move on without him actually taking responsibility for his actions in the house without getting so wound up he won't listen to me and then I get wound up and want to vent but can't.

What a mess.

He's back shortly so if I go quiet its for a reason.

And I married him because he reminded me of abusive dad...

Just rechecked this...I think I can see why he wants to hit me...but I just want him to LISTEN. And the provocation is down to that...you know where you just want to go "AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!!' and then whatever it is gets blown over, no big row, just a quick vent...imagine keeping a lid on that for 7 years...and there have been some whoppers where I wanted to just go completely wild and walk out that I've had to keep a lid on. Am excusing my behaviour now...how the hell do I get him to listen...thanks for reading so far...

OP posts:
Original poster
itstimmy · 11/10/2010 17:47

think hol has gone out of window, got to wait till money in acct, can i pay by cheque so he can't find out what it was?

OP posts:
jacksmomma · 11/10/2010 17:48

it would be harder for them staying in an abusive home , give your dc loads of love and they wil be fine , dont feel bad for him he brought this on himself and never let him know you feel bad about anything because he will use it to his advantage , let him know by text or email (in fact i would do both and keep the copy of the email and text in your outboxes so you can prove when the time comes you kept contact with him) that you are all safe and be strong , you really are doing an amazing and the right thing , have you much support in rl? does anyone else know what you have been through?

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 11/10/2010 17:52

Can you pay by cash?

shodatin · 11/10/2010 17:57

Hi Timmy, and congratulations for getting this far, including the 5K. You'll be OK for the present, enough not to worry at least.
Wish I knew enough to advise you about finances, but hopefully someone more experienced will be along and know just what is best to do.
You really have done well, and hope the little ones are not too confused at present.

jacksmomma · 11/10/2010 17:59

do you have any cash on you? enough for a couple of nights at a cheap hotel? because you could stay there until the money goes in your account then have a holiday, it is prob best to stay somewhere he wont think of going, a freind he doesnt know or a hotel , you could go into a bank and draw out money i think if you paid by cheque the company might still come up on the statement but to be sure ring the bank and ask ,also delete your browsing history on the computer you are using

TheLadyEvenstar · 11/10/2010 18:04

Timmy, Please don't worry your DD's will be fine. They will probably sleep better than they have ever done,they WILL be much more relaxed without the animosity and tension around them.

giveitago · 11/10/2010 18:26

Bloody hell - you amazing woman.

Get great lawyer and get advice.

Re the call to tell him - no idea legally what you should do (anyone out there that could tell her?).

Also get advice about your joint account money. Ideally he should leave and you go back home.

Keep your head right now. Don't feel bad but don't do anything rash either. You're doing great so far.

I'm really humbled by your strength OP.

maxybrown · 11/10/2010 18:34

good luck am thinking of you - but excellent move, you have me gripped with your strength.

Keep it as long as you can, I know it is hard.

Jux · 11/10/2010 18:48

Well done. You are amazing and fabulous and one day you'll see that.

Good luck and keep strong. What a great example to your children.

kittywise · 11/10/2010 18:51

O-M-G you are an AMAZING woman. You go girl.

maxybrown · 11/10/2010 18:53

I have just read your story to my DH and he said good for you and was very impressed by all you have done so far!!

Tippychoocks · 11/10/2010 20:13

Wow, what a day for you! I think it's the right thing and am very admiring of your strength. You've done the hard bit, just remember to keep strong when he tries whatever it is he will try.

HeadlessLadyBiscuit · 11/10/2010 20:25

You are doing brilliantly. Your daughters will thank you one day x

Pixie83 · 11/10/2010 20:29

OP - Just caught up with this thread and I am so so pleased for you and your DD's. I've read through this with tears in my eyes; I was in your shoes 15 years ago, and although it was terrifying and hard to get through, it was the beginning of the most wonderful years of my life.

Well done, I don't know you but I really, really admire you x

JeezyPeeps · 11/10/2010 20:43

I have just been reading this thread.

Don't put yourlf down Timmy. You ARE brave. Yes, you feel scared - but bravery isn't about not feeling scared, it's about acting despite being scared. Which is exactly what you have done. Will it be tough? Undoubtedly. Can you deal with it? Sure you can, look at the pressure you have been living under!

You are doing all the right things in order to secure a better future, not just for you but also for your girls. You don't want them growing up and ending in the same kind of destructive relationship because thats what they saw when they were growing up.

You are strong, you are a fighter. Absolute respect to you.

LunaticFringe · 11/10/2010 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VampireMouseface · 11/10/2010 22:20

Timmy

Your situation has moved so quickly from your first post and I am sure that you have had the odd wobble or two.

You are so strong to get to this point. It is so hard to walk/run away from an abuser. The more posts from you that I read, the more I wanted to get in the car and come and get you.

I left my VXP (violent XP) 6.7 years ago. He controlled me. He made me do things to and for him. He threatened to hit me. For years, the threats came and then he finally 'did it'

He said just push me Mouse, push me and you'll see what happens. I went food shopping. Got the wrong chicken for him. He flppied. He pinned me against the fridge by my throat and punched me in the face.

Broke my nose. DD was in bed upstairs. My face poured with blood and then he made me clean it up.

Get out, stay out and never, ever go back Timmy.

Just don't. You are so brave. Keep going. Stay strong and stay away. If you need anything, ask xx

VampireMouseface · 11/10/2010 22:32

Sorry Blush shite typing.

Unlikelyamazonian · 12/10/2010 00:37

Oh, lovely vampiremouse. Large warm hug to you.

It is hard writing it down and re-living the shit when someone else goes through it.

But, we see that we have come through it all and are now viking warriors and can throw them our spears and armour.

proudnscary · 12/10/2010 06:46

Mouse that is so frightening and chilling. It's amazing that Timmy has left this man before it gets to that point. I hope she is staying strong and realising she has definitely made the right decision.

Timmy hope you are ok, there are so many of us thinking of you.

Original poster
itstimmy · 12/10/2010 09:17

Heard nothig from h, no text nothing. wondering if this is tactics? Its certainly makig me nervous. tried ringing house, no answer, tried mobile, off. what if he's tryinng to find us...he's getting to me. what if he never got txt? I asked him to confirm he had it.

OP posts:
Ineedmorechocolatenow · 12/10/2010 09:26

Try not to worry about it. It's his little game to gain back control. Don't ring again, don't text again. Don't let him control your behaviour from afar. Try to concentrate on what you need to get done today.

Original poster
itstimmy · 12/10/2010 09:29

thank you so much for all your posts sorry i am not responding to them all living in the moment still.

spoke to solicitor, can see her thur at earliest for non molestation order which i have to go to court for in front of judge, she says its in a normalish room not court room and no wigs...v v v scary last thing i need, then even scarier to get the occupancy order i have to apply at same time as non mole order and have to wait 24/48hrs for it to go through and i have to be in same room as h, and each of us put our case forward about who has house, solicitor is positive i will get both. shit. so f*cking scary i should not have to go through that after yesterday. i know i have to see him again but in such an environment?

friends are being amazing, been given a big hug and loads of support and some laughs.

panic coming and going in waves, thought i was going to have a panic attack earlier. need to talk to police and gp but don't feel up to it, may talk to local dv unit to boost me again.

h is so fecking intelligent when it comes to scaring people..hes told me often enough how he does it. absolute calm and a stare. uses it on dd1 :( something i have started developing with her, but am stopping, its not right no matter what he says, i don't want to scare her to behave, i want her to have firm guidence not scary tactics.

OP posts:
maxybrown · 12/10/2010 09:30

def part of a game, stay strong. he is responsible for anything he does, not you. He cna only control himself - not you.

Faaamily · 12/10/2010 09:30

Hi Timmy.

Just wanted to add my support (haven't checked in on this thread for a day or so, sorry).

You are a brave and amazing woman, and one day your DD will be very proud of you for standing up for her rights (and your own) in this way.

Good luck.

Can I just add one pessimmistic but, I think (or know, from bitter experience), crucial word of advice? Keep close track of your DD.

Inform her school that you have left her father because of the threat of violence, and be very clear with them about what the arrangements are about picking her up from school etc. Controlling / violent men in desperate situations can take desperate measures, and your DD is the effectively the best (only) route your DH currently has to you - to controlling / hurting you.