(d)h threatened to hit me

[itstimmy]

Yes I provoked him.

When we met he said he had threatened to hit a gf before. And he said if another lady talked to him in a provoking way he would hit her, as apparently 'women who provoke secretly want to be hit'.

There have been lots of small things over the last 7 years I have wanted to speak to him about, I have, to no avail, he will just cut me off with a threatening look or sarcasum. And there have been a number of big things over the years I have had to keep a lid on when really I wanted to go ballistic with him. This has led to me simmering with resentment and anger at him, I just want to speak out and be heard and for him to actually take some action...but I dare not for this threat.

So yesterday it was a minor incident, I have been 'needling' him about it and making a few snippy comments, and in front of dd which I'm not proud of but I can hardly tell her not to do something when her dad is...it needs both of them to stop and have spoken to both indvidually about it. And I made one last comment yesterday, I was just incredibly pissed off but could not tell him how annoyed I was due to constant threat so made a pointed 'look what has happened, don't do it to the next one' comment and he got up from table and went to other room.

About 15 min later he comes to room where I'm folding clothes and warns me that I nearly got hit. To stop provoking him or I will get hit. He was not threatening me or trying to bully me he was warning me. And that it would hurt (said that a few times) and we have two small children in the house and that he did not want to hit me but I was provoking him into it. He was v scary, as he rarely makes eye contact and he did yesterday. First I tried to put on a I'm not scared leave me alone look but he told me I was provoking him, so I told him in a calmer (upset way, I was scared) why I had done it and it was wrong to have provoked but I had done it because he has been ignoring what I've been saying and I just want him to listen to me. In the end after a few more 'warnings' I asked him to leave, so (cursing myself now) I left the room and went to bathroom (door shut) so quietly cry my heart out, then when he went out drinking last night to do it again. He has left house again for an hour now and I just want to cry again. When he's in room I just start meaningless things like stirring porridge, feel a bit shakey.

I don't know what to do now. Does this mean after 7 years he is going to start to hit me? What will count as 'provoking'? Will going out all the time be provoking as I don't want to be in the same room as him. There have been a number of incidents over the years that have made me want to leave but I think this could take the biscuit.

On another note I don't think he loves or cares for me which is probably also where the provoking comes from...

I feel humiliated and scared. Wish I could threaten to smack him one...but even if I had the advantage I would not.

I know I can be a martyr and annoying but what the hell do I do now? I cannot move on without him actually taking responsibility for his actions in the house without getting so wound up he won't listen to me and then I get wound up and want to vent but can't.

What a mess.

He's back shortly so if I go quiet its for a reason.

And I married him because he reminded me of abusive dad...

Just rechecked this...I think I can see why he wants to hit me...but I just want him to LISTEN. And the provocation is down to that...you know where you just want to go "AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!!' and then whatever it is gets blown over, no big row, just a quick vent...imagine keeping a lid on that for 7 years...and there have been some whoppers where I wanted to just go completely wild and walk out that I've had to keep a lid on. Am excusing my behaviour now...how the hell do I get him to listen...thanks for reading so far...

Yes it is tactics. And it's frightening you deliberately. He is no doubt livid

Remember, he does not care for you (sorry if that hurts). hang on to that thought. You have been a strong grown woman protecting your children and forging a new future for yourself. Do not ring or contact him again. Do NOT feel sorry for him. He deserves no sympathy. Wait.

I don't know what else to advise as I am concerned for you. Can you speak to WA again and get one of their outreach workers to come and be with you today?

something else that struck me yesterday is what absolute fear does to you. i knew he would do something if he found me packing, i never knew you could sweat and be so hot yet so freezing cold at the same time, i' ve never felt like that in my life. and the constant tremors. how could i have lived with a man and have children with him for all 7 years without fully realising that is what he could bring me to..he didn't even charm me, no love, no affection, no flowers, did cards, pufunctuary kiss hello and goodbye, no snogging, i fecking love snogging, never had a bf who liked snogging, going to be top of the list when i let someone else into our lives...girls call...

Morning timmy. Just wanted to put your mind at rest re going to court. I've been lots of times and the room was set up as if you were at a business meeting, not at all intimidating.

When you have to go back to sort occupancy and he is going to be there, why not arrange to meet your solicitor somewhere else? I used to meet mine either at her office, on a different floor in the court building or in a coffee shop. That makes it much less scary. My wonderful solicitor used to even wait outside the loo for me so I didnt ever run the risk of bumping into him on my own .

Keep strong xx

Timmy - more power to you. You're doing so incredibly well, in spite of the perfectly natural terror you are feeling. Brave lady.

With regard to him blanking you the way he is doing - he KNOWS what effect this is having on you, making you panic, making you check that he has the message, making you worry that he's looking for you. That's why he's doing it.

It's all about control for him, isn't it? He's absolutely determined that no-one will get the better of him - even if that means making yours and your kids' lives an utter misery

Don't let him scare you. Keep your kids close. Keep building your support network around you. Keep talking to us/friends in RL/WA or DV unit

It WILL get easier, because you will get stronger the longer you are away from him

All our thoughts are with you here

i nearly did txt him again, felt i was giving in, but thought i would wait for advice, thanks! no txt sent. also realised if he was worried about our whereabouts he would have rung my mobile, doh. so he knows...

thanks for info re dd at school, sorry you and dd had to go through that. will be speaking to school today.

bit confused today as wa said go for residency order for girls, but solicitor said not until he makes a threat at which point it could be too late!...anyone had experience of that?

on the bright side, this is the most popular thread i have ever started..at least 60 times more popular than last one

waiting for friend to come back and ask if she will sit with girls, dd1 asked yesterday why i was on the telly (phone) all day. so told dd1 i need to be on phone again ut friend will sit with her and dd2

and can i say...god bless cbeebies..still can't spell it either...

i don't want to believe he would use girls against me. for their sakes...he always so dedicated to makig sure they have the best upbringing. i am scared he would take them back from me when i go back and do a runner. the only thing that makes me think he would not do this is he is totally dedicated to his business

something else, he didn't want us to tell our girls we loved them as it should be obvious and not need to be said, i've said it very occasionally to girls, feeling a bit guilty about it as not part of our plan for bringing them up. but for first time just now i smiled and told dd1 i loved her and she said it back to me!! with a smile. I want to keep doing that...its good.

Your sense of humour shines through timmy, even at this scary time. You are going to be so much happier when you are through to the other side.

Do not text or try to contact him.

The sweat is adrenalin. You are in flight mode and your body is giving you extra resources to keep you strong - flooding your system with adrenalin. The cold is fear.

Keep your dcs close as the others say. Can they stay off school for a few days?

So glad you have good RL support. Lean on people now. Take all the support you can.

Stay focused. One hour and day at a time.

ah tell them every day you love them!! If you have to remind yourself not to do it - (when you were with him) shows how un natural it is!

Reading this thread has been amazing.

Go Timmy, Go Timmy, Go Timmy

gone.

if i had been the one who had had the children taken...i would have been on the phone to him th epolice everyone and anyone to get them back...most of all wanting to know they were okay...he has not contacted me once...he last saw them over 24hrs ago and not one request to speakk to them or ask to see them...would not want to be pestered at the same time no concern at all???

Timmy: this man doesn't see you, or the children, as people at all. You're just objects to him. So he will have decided to ignore you for the moment until he has worked out a strategy for causing you and the DC as much distress as possible.
He is very dangerous, so go with WA's advice to get the residency order in place ASAP.
YOu are doing brilliantly, BTW. Well done. Be proud of how strong you are.

"i don't want to believe he would use girls against me. for their sakes..."

And yet, as you say, he hasn't called or been in touch to see if they are ok

If THAT doesn't tell you about the level of his self-interest, nothing will. Oh, I'm sure he will come up with a plausible excuse as to why he hasn't been in touch about them (never mind you), but like you say, if it was you, you'd move heaven and earth to speak to them

It sounds like he would use anything against anyone to ensure he "wins"

Be so, so, so careful Timmy. Don't let him alone with your kids, no matter what he tells you

Agreeing with SGB too

timmy - just a thought - he is obviously being calculating in his response - and if he doesn;t know where you are staying, he does know that you will be taking dd to school and picking her up. I can't help think that it might just be possible he will turn up at the school gates to try to engineer some situation or other/manipulate you into something you don't want to do (using the presence of other people and a sad-victim-she-left-me face etc.) I think it would be wise to plan a response to this - possibly including going to school with a friend who knows what's going on. you are being strong and brave and you are, absolutely, doing the right thing - including for your daughters.

just read this whole thread... all 10 pages.

Good luck Timmy, you are very brave. If you are in my area Bucks feel free to PM me and I will help all I can.

Nobody should live in fear and if him not being in touch re the children doesnt tell you how little he gives a toss, nothing will.

huge un mn hugs from me.

My sister went through this and she fled to my old house, the look of sheer terror when a certain car/motorbike went past was awful to see. I am glad to say that she is happy, in a loving relationship and is a totally different person now.

I second what everyone else has said with regards to DD's school. Put nothing past this man. Believe that he would use the girls to harm you.

Make sure you are absloutely honest with the police about the depths of the abuse. Tell them everything. It will all be noted and put on your file. Same goes with solicitor.

I know the idea of court and solicitors and police are all bloody scary, but you've done the hardest part, leaving him.

I'm in Surrey, if you're anywhere nearby I'm happy to do what I can.

Cheering you on

Timmy he hasn't responded solely because you asked him to.

He knows perfectly well the girls are absolsolutely fine with you.

YOu might want to put the school in the picture and ensure that only you can pick them up.

not taking dd to school, out of area. was not goinng to risk that. now telling myself i said i would contact him whenn i knew more, maybe hes respecting our space? (pushing it arent i...)

i just want to get them home and safe and back to school and for him to be their dad and he could come as much as he wanted to see them...i don't want them without him.

friend has not arrived home, solicitor said i could leave it up to 2 wk max to make statments to cops annd gp, wil do cops this aft when friend shld be back.

not in bucks thank you! and sim cards someone mentioned ages ago i'm risking he does not have nouse to work that one out, total technophobe. don't think he would even know to ask.

So proud of you Timmy.... Hang in there, don't call or text anymore as that is his way of controlling you further. I was also with an emotionally abusive exh, we split up about ten years ago and he continued to be EA through our DS. I would advise you to go for residence and formalised contact given his history with you. Insist to your solicitor that you want both because of his abuse. The fact that you are applying for a non-molestation order and occupancy order will prove that it is in your best interests to have residence. Sadly he might decide to take the children and not bring them back just to get at you and if you feel he might do this then please apply for residence.

Just before my DC went to his father's I had asked a solicitor about applying for residence as I feared he would fail to return him home. She advised against it and told me he would never do it - well he did and I had to stand before a judge too to have him brought back home. I am not trying to frighten you or anything Timmy but just want you to have all the facts. Have a think about it, and weight the pros and cons based on the legal advice given to you by your solicitor.

Well done for leaving, you are an inspiration

Just wanted to send some love your way, Timmy. Just read the whole thread and I've got happy tears in my eyes for you. Mumof3's right - you're an inspiration

He's not replying to make a point...

Telefonically he is giving you the stare... so that you are trying to guess what he's thinking, the waiting becomes too much, you cave, you go home, his life and abuse of you goes on. But the next time, you'll be weaker, you'll be more defeated. You may never get out the next time.

So this is IT timmy, this is your chance to live in the sunshine, to laugh and cuddle your girls, to tell them you love them wherever and whenever you want to. That is one seriously f*cked up theory too btw, that way is only going to make them insecure people pleasers, desperate for approval, with no self esteem. Perhaps his own parents were never affectionate with him.

It matters not, YOU will raise them to be like you, nobody's fool, strong women with the courage to know that things are wrong and to do something about it. You are their SuperHero. You will be their inspiration.

You are our inspiration already!

In terms of protecting yourself. Expect and plan for the worst, hope for the best. Make sure all angles are covered, all loop holes plugged.

hope you are ok Timmy. You are best out of it. Just to let you know my Dad hit my Mum (only occaisionally) but used more eamotional blackmail on her & still does..my sister & I both love him - but we both ended up in abusive relationships too. Just a thought that you don't want your children to replicate.

Hoping it all goes well for you - lots of love